Work drama- how to brush it off?

[TargetPractice11]

Name changed because I'm embarrassed to be asking.

I'm fairly senior in my organisation and from the outside probably appear confident and successful.

A member of my team applied for promotion, and I (as part of a panel) turned it down. I didn't think she was ready. My boss (who was part of the panel and said nothing at the time) decided to tell her that he thought she should have been promoted, and that I had obstructed it.

The team member now HATES me. Says I am sabotaging her, that I lied about supporting her career (I do support her, I just objectively didn't think she met the criteria and encouraged her to give it more time and apply next year).

She made a complaint to HR. She's bad mouthing me around the whole organisation. She's been incredibly hostile and rude to me since. She sincerely believes she has been terribly wronged and I have been horrible to her.

Intellectually I know she is being ridiculous.

But FUCK ME- my feelings are so hurt. I am devastated. I can't sleep. I keep questioning myself and I am so stressed I've seen the doctor about medication.

I can't stand it when people are mad at me.

I know this is part of corporate life. Or really any workplace. And I should be able to hack it.

But I just feel sick. And I'm questioning whether I am cut out for management at all.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Do other people just cope with this stuff better? Or just pretend they do?

No one got the job.

She sort of created the idea of the role and said she wanted it. The role exists in other organisations. It's basically a more senior (and consequently higher paid) version of the job she has.

The team didn't need that role IMO. And if we did we could have hired someone better externally

Wow, agree that she'll be leaving soon then, especially if she'd been given the nod that it was ok. What a fuck -up.

How was she given the nod it was ok?

How did her 'idea' become a reality and could you have spoken up sooner either to her about her chances or your boss re your market research etc? (i.e. before she put her reputation on the line with an application that was always going to fail).

Also how come there will be another chance next year, given that you've said the role isn't really needed.

I don't think you are giving us the whole picture..

@sunights

She informed me she was applying. I didn't have a view on it at the start, as the organisation hadn't had that role before. She completed an application, drafted her business case (that's the process in the organisation for promotion) and I told her and my boss that I would speak to my counterparts at other organisations to understand how they approached this kind of role and what the criteria was.

The next step in the process was a meeting to discuss all the applications for promotion in my team (there were two others - but at different levels). We reviewed her application and the market info - the outcome was that she wasn't quite up to scratch but if she worked on X,Y,Z plus another years experience then there would be a better case for it.

We didn't need the role but equally there was no downside to the role apart from the higher pay expectations. So if she developed and achieved more in the next year, I'd be able to make a good argument that she should have that title and higher pay.

I don't think it would have been more fair to her if we'd made our minds up without hearing her out and giving it the respect of consideration.

@TargetPractice11 thank you for explaining.

If your team member and boss have both behaved in the ways your described in response to this process being followed, and this isn't cause for wider concern in the organisation, then I don't think it's somewhere I'd enjoy working either.

You've asked for help in dealing with and brushing it off. And I think the only thing I can see is to accept it (assuming you don't have grounds to raise any concerns complaints about you boss or team members conduct).

I say this as someone who has been in positions similar to both yours and to your team members at different points in my career. When in your shoes I at least had a boss who had my back, and when in your team member's other managers around me who helped lift me into an alternative promotion.

If you don't have that kind of support, and plan to stay in your job, having a regular self-compassion practice and/or using a self-led inquiry tool such as https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/ may help.

@sunights thanks so much, I'll look into that.

I've previously had supportive and accessible managers so I'm finding working with this one a real challenge.

My previous boss quit, and then this boss sort of had to take over my function which he has no interest in. I think he'd rather hire his own people as well but he's inherited someone else's team.

I think I'll ask HR to fund leadership coaching for me. That might satisfy everyone that the situation has a resolution of sorts, and I think I'll benefit from the support and guidance.

....and that, is the actual nub of the problem!

Things to consider:

Why is your boss like this to you?
Why has he thrown you under the bus?
Has he done it before?

Why did he speak to your colleague and tell them you blocked the promotion? Does he feel more comfortable with her than he does with you?

Perhaps he has a problem with you and has never voiced it?

Technically, you did block the promotion, so your boss is right to say so.

Do you think your boss and this other colleague are going to get you in a "pincer movement"...?

The fact your colleague is behaving like this, indicates to me your boss won't do anything about it, nor cares to. Even the "clearing the air" meeting with HR didn't help.
I wonder if your boss thinks you deserve the fall out? Is there something deeper going on? You say he has no emotional intelligence...but how does he see you, do you think?

@penjil

Great questions.

My boss has never warmed to me. He doesn't like senior woman as a rule, and has clashed with a lot of senior women at the organisation. He says a lot of disparaging things about the women he has to report to - never reflecting that all the people he doesn't respect happen to be senior women.

I think we're also just very different people.

He was against my promotion to my current role, but the CEO and board suggested it so it was forced on him. I haven't had a word of support since, just been ignored with the occasional nitpicking when he feels like it.

@penjil I mean, I would say the panel as a group blocked it. They could have put her in that role despite me saying she needed another year. They didn't. They could have said they were in favour during the decision making phase, and we could have discussed and then reached a different conclusion.

No one on that panel was in favour of her promotion at the time. No one argued for it.

We discussed the criteria and her experience and landed at a no collectively.

Also, I don't think turning someone down for promotion makes me a dick. I've been rejected for jobs and promotions many times. I've never thrown a tantrum about it.

I may be wrong, but I wouldn't read too much into this where your boss is concerned. He could have pushed for this to happen against your will. He didn't. It sounds less strategic on his part, more like weakness. I wouldn't trust him but I doubt he's thinking most about this or losing any sleep.

I line manage about 30 people. Two of them will go around criticising and blaming me to others sometimes, if things go wrong for them. Sometimes there's an element of truth - I'm not infallible. Sometimes they have the facts wrong. But they do this thing of stirring and pushing and to be honest I think it reflects more on them than on me

It is something I think you get used to because some people will be very vocal and critical about you when you are their manager and they're unhappy.

It bothers me a lot less than it used to. You realise most people aren't interested. You find a peer or mentor you can offload to Other dramas come and take its place. I sometimes sit down and have a frank conversation with them. I make sure I listen to any real problems. But people who behave like this rarely convince everyone because they do this sort of thing publicly, repeatedly, to more than one person.

I would do a bit of killing with kindness in this case - "I want to support your application for this once you've done x, y, z. Can we make sure you are getting these opportunities?" But I would also try to detach. If anyone else brings it up, "obviously panel discussions are confidential, but we always offer feedback to the candidates".

The less bothered you seem, the clearer it is to everyone that you made a professional decision.

Middle managers are the least happy workers around. You will meet this kind of person and you are right - you need to look after yourself. Would you really have believed what she was saying if you weren't the manager yourself? We all know office drama queens.

Nobody has died. It will all blow over. I would keep an eye on your boss but he sounds weak rather than plotting against you.

Find a good work friend whom you don't manage, if you can!

(Your other comments on your boss do suggest he's a problem, though, and I would be sure to work with other senior people.)

I would also pick up on the rude and hostile behaviour, if it's at all persistent. A one-off or a couple of snide remarks I would let slide.

Remember that bullying upward is a thing. It is hard to tell from your post how bad this is. But if that sounds relevant, perhaps set yourself a time limit so you feel back in control. Email her once to say, this isn't acceptable behaviour, door open if she would like a chat, understand she is disappointed, would encourage her to seek full feedback from panel from HR if that will help her, can we please return things to a professional footing. Then give it say until after Easter break. Agree with yourself that you will raise the bullying issue with her then if she continues to behave that way. Once that's raised, you may need to escalate if informal doesn't work.

You can be very gentle and sympathetic - it's sounds as if that's how you are, naturally - and still treat this as a problem where you have a right to intervene. Her behaviour isn't okay. She may snap out of it, or she may need you to spell that out. Move the focus away from her imaginary grievance. How would you manage her if she was treating another person you managed this way?

Your boss has totally shafted you, and sounds like they want you out to have pulled a stunt like this. Whatever excuse your boss makes, they would have known that the outcome of their action was never going to be a positive one.

This advice is what I would be doing as well.

Thanks so much all, I really appreciate the advice.

I did not think management would be so lonely.

It really can be.

I remember making a list of (random) people I liked / trusted / felt I could talk to outside my department. That cheered me up in a hard moment.

Keep an eye on things. Set limits to what you'll accept. Take control by asking her to see you. You can be genuinely helpful to people when you point out kindly that they are behaving badly and need to stop.

If you have an Employee Assistance Programme, give them a call. If not, ask HR who you can talk to about the distress this situation is causing. You didn't create this problem. It is affecting you and it's okay to seek help coping with that.

Agree it is your boss who is the issue here and he is trying to undermine you.

You're not feeling lonely because you're some delicate flower who can't manage - your instincts are right that he is targeting you in a very deniable way.

He's not some disorganised naive bloke who accidentally happened to blurt out the wrong thing, he knows exactly what he is doing. I'd watch him.

If the board meeting led to a business decision that resulted in a lot of success, but you were the sole person driving it, do you think he'd say it was you only and he actually didn't agree?

It would be a joint decision then, of course.

Unfortunately there is a trend for organisations which now have successful competent senior women and previously underrepresented groups to subtly set them up to fail.

The old boys can't get away with crude comments or physical harassment now.

So they triangulate the person they're targeting with others and then they can be all

"..my hands are clean, it was all her having a conflict with someone else..another woman..I'm the innocent getting on with work here...see this is how women are in the workplace, always fighting"

Ugly face of sexism.

And they know often the group dynamic is that people will rush to praise or validate a man whilst looking for opportunities to castigate a woman (amplified if he's one of those posh old white blokes).

So he just needs to drop a hint or dog-whistle that it's open season on you and he doesn't have your back, then everyone will follow his lead.

Has the employee been given constructive feedback on why they didn't get the promotion and a plan of what they can do to get them there?

It's time to nurture that person and show them that you want them to get it and help them to get there next time

Oh dear, OP.

I manage someone like that. You have two options;

1. Make a log of every incident of badmouthing you. When review period comes around - mention it. Make it clear her attitude is unacceptable and you’ll PAP them if it continues. - This is what I did to the person I manage.
2. Tell your boss you no longer wish to manage them as they circumvent you to get your own way, badmouth you and (if you want to be honest) are a bit of a cunt.

TBH your boss sounds like a twat and your line managee a wet weekend.

Edit; Civil servant by any chance, OP? Few things you’ve said sound very ‘civil servicey’ to me…and if so, managing difficult people is a bloody nightmare! Fully sympathy to you

@Picklestop no one said she was ready in the meeting about promotion. I was the most junior person in that meeting, if someone else was supportive of her promotion I would have deferred to them on it.

Well she sounds like a grifter to me. Your boss sounds like he has a crush on her and you sound like someone sensible who is letting their emotions cloud their good judgement.

I think this needs boundaries, not brushing off. You need to organise another meeting with her and ask HR to be present. Remind her that you weren’t the only one that thought she wasn’t ready but it’s obvious her frustration with the decision made is only with you and ask her to consider why that is. Also ask her how her current behaviours indicate that she is ready for the responsibility of management. Tell her that moving forwards you will be keeping a log of any hostile, bullying and toxic behaviour to form part of any ongoing consideration of suitability for a promotion and consideration of whether disciplinary action is necessary.Tell her you hope that instead of this she can get over the hurt she is feeling and concentrate on career progression. Tell her your offer of support remains, but remind her support doesn’t just mean saying yes to any request she makes.

I would be trying to evidence you are taking steps to support her to be in a position to be suitable for the role-bespoke personal development plan with defined, measureable goals and how she is expected to achieve them; this gives her a clear picture of what she needs to do and how to do, and provides you with evidence as to whether she is up to the job. Regular appraisals and supervisions to check progress and address shortcomings and achievements.

I imagine there is already some kind of structure for this in your organisation; this is precisely what it is for. I would ask HR what the policy is on PDPs, appraisals etc. Follow it and provide employee with a copy at first meeting.

I would ignore this comment op from this poster who has just projected her friends experience and obviously in the all management are arses. Which some are as are some team members! Would echo others , she’s proved your point that she shouldn’t have got the job .