Work drama- how to brush it off?

[TargetPractice11]

Name changed because I'm embarrassed to be asking.

I'm fairly senior in my organisation and from the outside probably appear confident and successful.

A member of my team applied for promotion, and I (as part of a panel) turned it down. I didn't think she was ready. My boss (who was part of the panel and said nothing at the time) decided to tell her that he thought she should have been promoted, and that I had obstructed it.

The team member now HATES me. Says I am sabotaging her, that I lied about supporting her career (I do support her, I just objectively didn't think she met the criteria and encouraged her to give it more time and apply next year).

She made a complaint to HR. She's bad mouthing me around the whole organisation. She's been incredibly hostile and rude to me since. She sincerely believes she has been terribly wronged and I have been horrible to her.

Intellectually I know she is being ridiculous.

But FUCK ME- my feelings are so hurt. I am devastated. I can't sleep. I keep questioning myself and I am so stressed I've seen the doctor about medication.

I can't stand it when people are mad at me.

I know this is part of corporate life. Or really any workplace. And I should be able to hack it.

But I just feel sick. And I'm questioning whether I am cut out for management at all.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Do other people just cope with this stuff better? Or just pretend they do?

Well the other issue is that it looks like you are the problem, and you are to be managed out. Never be the squeaky wheel. Only you know whether you lead the discussion about your junior being unprepared, but it does reflect badly on you and if the others on the panel followed your lead it would explain why your boss is acting in this way. You look like you want it all ways.

Why did you not clock thus dynamic between your boss and this woman earlier? They have done you like a kipper.

When is your next appraisal btw? I would be unsurprised if you started to get criticism from nowhere

This sounds a nightmare, OP. FWIW, I think it’s a very good idea of yours to set the record straight with HR with an email.

theres two sides to
this - her reaction and your assessment

should you not have spoken up long before interview about her suitability? You let her create a job role for herself? Or someone did!

naturally she is going to look to you in all of this

is it normal practice for other members of the panel to tell interviewees who said what about them?

I suspect you have given a different impression to the employee prior to
the process starting and she has held onto that

How comes she got to decide the job title/role and the salary?

It sounds quite objective to me. OP researched the role and its requirements.

Obviously everyone can't have a promotion just because they want it! If there are places where employers give out promotions to be nice, please send details and I'll go and work there.

Even if this was a poor decision, the colleague's behaviour isn't a consequence of that. She is an adult who should not be rude and hostile to anyone at work.

Nobody should have to live with being bullied.

I don't want to go into an outing amount of detail but she makes silly decisions at times and needs someone checking her work to catch them. She was also asking for a very senior position which she hadn't put in the hard yards for. There has to be consistency across the organisation in terms of who qualifies for senior roles. Promoting someone too early sets a precedent and then others get their nose out of joint when they are more senior/accomplished and haven't been recognised with the same level.

All of your questions are answered in the OP's early posts. You have misunderstood the situation

Yes, agreed

I don't see how OP could have clocked the dynamic between them when the boss didn't even advocate to promote her himself.

The boss lied to this colleague when he told her OP was the one who deprived her of the promotion.

Nobody on the panel supported it

I would imagine he just didn't want the conflict himself and found it easy to blame OP

I mean basically your boss likes her more than you! Going to HR saying she is being unprofessional or she is bullying you will make it far worse. She is junior to you.

She's behaving like a bully

It's not in her interest or the company's to accept that as normal

If she'll calm down without HR intervention, good

If not, that's what they are there for.

Junior people can be bullies.

Boss doesn't sound like he'd go to bat for either of them, to me.

Path of least resistance.

@Mangledrake - the clue here was the existing boss junior relationship. OP maybe missed that.

It's easy to do panels and dominate; only the OP knows how the discussion actually went, whether she lead a case for no or someone else said no and agreed. Who drives a decision can be very politically difficult as OP has found out.

This woman got an interview- that meant someone thought she was capable or ready. Citing structural reasons to refuse promotion is a very tough thing to do to someone imo

You are angry with her. Completely misdirected. How would you feel in her shoes? You should be angry with your boss!

Tbh I think her behaviour since illustrates that she is not ready. It’s one thing to be disappointed and upset and even to vocalise that, quite another to bad mouth you and be rude and make all these accusations.

While your boss sounds like a problem and one which I hope you can get support with, I think your instincts were right, and that this woman isn’t ready for a higher level of responsibility if she’s not able to behave professionally after a set back.

Very fair.

I’m assuming the people who are giving you a hard time in this thread are not senior/manage reports and simply don’t understand how corporate organisations work.

Agree. Your boss has completely undermined you.

@TargetPractice11 - fair comment but why did she get to the interview stage if so? These kind of reasons can look very bad done post interview. A rejection at an earlier stage would have been fairer if that was true

Sounds like the others would have promoted her and you blocked it. Your boss even told her so. Your boss shouldnt have said anything, I'm really suprised he did so. Feels like no one's on your side, so perhaps you were wrong, or he likes her better than you? Her behaviour is bad, but it's been fueled by your boss.

She didn't get an interview, though. There was no interview.

I would hate to have a manager who crumbled every time someone went over their head and tried to get a senior manager on side. That's not fair or transparent.

I have worked with people married to their managers, and with father / son teams. Special treatment made this situations toxic. OP should have acted objectively and seems to have done so.

I find it hard to believe boss is that into this colleague when he didn't even argue for the promotion.

Junior colleague is just trying to play Mummy against Daddy I suspect.

Anyone can put in an application for any promotion, and then it's considered and there is an outcome.

There was no interview. Her application (which she unilaterally decided to lodge) was just in a pile with every other application and was decided in turn not to go ahead.

It's of no consequence that her application got to that stage, any application would have.

I could have discouraged her earlier, I guess, but I hadn't researched it yet so genuinely didn't feel ready to form a view. I also wanted to speak to some other people in the organisation first. Letting the process play out seemed the most fair to her, but ive taken on board what people have said here about leading her on. We could have equally been in that room and the other panel members said 'it's fine let's promote.' She wanted a shot and she got it.

Ah I misunderstood then. Okay, a fair rejection prior to interview is different.

I'd be disappointed with both. Being rude and hostile to OP and badmouthing her is not on.

I think boss has behaved worse though, and since he is not truthful, he may have set the junior colleague up for shock and disappointment.

You can have sympathy for junior colleague and still say, this needs to stop.

Her very immature reaction should hopefully reassure you that you made the right call re the promotion. Your boss will soon get tired of her neediness and lack of control, so just hold tight. Unfortunately you will have to navigate him being an arse.

You are right though - I found management to be lonely. It’s hard to be friends with people because there are so many no-go areas in terms of what you can safely talk about. Also, it gets hard when you then need to manage them! In time you’ll probably bond with fellow managers and learn who you can trust. Just hang in there OP.

Why don’t you put a grievance in against her based on facts, not hearsay?

eg when she’s rude to you or undermines you or is unprofessional, use that as a concrete example.

You’ve done your job and she is bullying you just because you were being professional

I wouldn't go straight to a grievance because that is quite a nuclear option against someone you manage.

I wouldn't rule it out forever but I would try pointing out that her behaviour is out of line first