Work drama- how to brush it off?

[TargetPractice11]

Name changed because I'm embarrassed to be asking.

I'm fairly senior in my organisation and from the outside probably appear confident and successful.

A member of my team applied for promotion, and I (as part of a panel) turned it down. I didn't think she was ready. My boss (who was part of the panel and said nothing at the time) decided to tell her that he thought she should have been promoted, and that I had obstructed it.

The team member now HATES me. Says I am sabotaging her, that I lied about supporting her career (I do support her, I just objectively didn't think she met the criteria and encouraged her to give it more time and apply next year).

She made a complaint to HR. She's bad mouthing me around the whole organisation. She's been incredibly hostile and rude to me since. She sincerely believes she has been terribly wronged and I have been horrible to her.

Intellectually I know she is being ridiculous.

But FUCK ME- my feelings are so hurt. I am devastated. I can't sleep. I keep questioning myself and I am so stressed I've seen the doctor about medication.

I can't stand it when people are mad at me.

I know this is part of corporate life. Or really any workplace. And I should be able to hack it.

But I just feel sick. And I'm questioning whether I am cut out for management at all.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Do other people just cope with this stuff better? Or just pretend they do?

What was the feedback given to her post interview.

What are her targets for the year ahead. You said she wasn't 'ready', what dues that mean specifically, and what have you put into place to address the areas she need improving. In fact, what hadn't done that before, in previous reviews. Dud she talk to you about applying for the promotion? But you knew. So you could've talked about it prior to interview. Bet there was a week or two weeks between application and being invited. Arranged things already. You have failed her.

Her behaviour towards you since this has happened just proves she wasn't ready. In fact she needs to be pulled up on it. I wouldn't be promoting her in the future with an attitude like that.

Also, your boss was so wrong on this - what an asshole!

You have misread OP's posts somehow.

Nobody else argued that the employee wax ready.

There's no evidence here that anyone else dislikes OP.

Her behaviour is proof she isn't ready for a senior role. Tell her this.

There was no interview

It's not failing someone not to give them everything they want straight away.

I think you're projecting and filling in details to fit your take on things here.

Why aren't you correcting her when she's saying things that are incorrect?

I'd put her straight once then refuse to discuss it any further. I'd also tell your boss to tell her to come to you with issues and if he doesn't I'd raise a complaint with HR about him undermining you.

These people aren't your friends.

You were set up by your Boss.

@Mangledrake

Sorry missed bit about there being no interview.

How am I projecting? I don't think I am. This hasn't happened to me, ever.

Op has been this persons manager for 3 years. Hasn't actioned her gaps before. Have they now? To make her 'ready' asap, in a year?

I wasn't correcting her because I went into the meeting just trying to defuse the situation. I was also caught off guard with the accusations and by how emotional she was. It only afterwards did my brain kind of went 'wait- I have a dozen examples that disprove that'.

I've done her so many favours over the years and helped her a lot. I was really blown away that she would turn on me because I said 'no' this once.

She wanted an argument and I think me apologising 'I'm sorry you feel that way/I'll communicate better in the future/I hope we can work through this' took the wind out of her sails somewhat. She sort of ranted for a bit and then ran out of puff. I think it was the right move, it would have been undignified to argue with her.

But I think I will send an email to HR setting the record straight on some points.

I don't get why you didn't just go along with it tbh. By saying she wasn't ready and that she still had things to learn you, as her boss of multiple years, have just made yourself look bad and incapable of training your team correctly. If she had got the job and failed, people would have assumed the extra pressure had got to her, no one would have blamed you.
Also, ignore the people saying to go to HR about her talking to your boss, that's what employees are advised to do if they have a issue with their direct manager

They're not 'gaps' in her current role. But she still requires a lot of management and supervision- which she gets in her current role and is appropriate to someone at that level.

She wanted to shoot up the ladder to a more senior role where she wouldn't have the same support. And where she would be paid much more.

For the same money we could hire someone much more experienced and capable. I felt like it would be wrong to tell the company it was a good idea to elevate her to that level.

I was cautious of my boss, who is always eager to jump on me making the wrong call. I didn't want to recommend someone who wasn't ready, have her fuck it up, and then he'd blame me for promoting her prematurely.

He could have promoted her if he wanted to. He could have shared his view at the time, and I would have been fine with it. He was in the room, making that decision.

It's just feeling like a no-win situation in retrospect. If I'd promoted her he might have done his own research and come back with 'why did you promote X when she has so much less experience than the appointees to that level?'

There are no gaps that we know of in this person's profile for their existing job. The role she was going for didn't exist before. So there was nothing for OP to address until now.

Given that she's done the work of researching these gaps, estimating a timescale etc, it seems likely she has shared this with the colleague. All that might stop me from doing this in her position is the rude and hostile behaviour. If that's bad, I would say it needs to be addressed first.

I thought you were projecting because you seemed to be making up a set of facts to judge OP on instead of reading what she says.

Tbh this colleague respond shows wasn't ready to be promoted and I'd say never if this the way she responds. It's bullying and nasty. Report this to hr. Your boss shouldn't have said anything. Sounds like awful company if they allow bullying in the workplace

There wasn't anything to go along with. Nobody on the panel supported the suggestion.

It doesn't make a manager look bad when someone's not ready for promotion to a role that hasn't been on the cards before. We all have different strengths and experience levels.

If I supported a promotion for someone just to keep them happy or impress my boss, I'd be taking from our overall staff pay budget and other people's opportunities. I'd be setting them up to fail.

OP is the only person in this scenario behaving professionally.

This! Unfortunately I think this will escalate as she's burning her bridges now. You need your seniors to have your back and to put her in her place.

It was a no-win situation in that nothing you could have done could have prevented her from behaving like this @TargetPractice11

But you behaved with integrity and professionalism, and that's a win of another sort.

This.

I wouldn't brush it off. I would be going back to HR and complaining that your bosses conduct has led to you being bullied by this employee. You want it documented that it was a panel decision not your individual decision. And document to HR every single incident of badmouthing by her and ask for a meeting to make it clear this behaviour was unacceptable, could not continue, to outline all the ways you have tried to support her in the past and that her behaviour is incompatible with a senior role. And I'd stop being so keen to support her. They are already treating you like shit so it's not like you doing this would make things any worse.

It stings - and you should have been more up front in the first place or not on the panel. People won’t trust you now.

What rubbish - because of what happened to your friend in a different situation
What is the point of a panel? they can't appoint every applicant, and whilst there should be feedback to candidates, that shouldn't consist of "X said, Y said" - it's a collective decision.
Given the failed candidates subsequent behaviour, it absolutely sounds that she is not sufficiently adult/professional for a more senior role. (Nor it would seem is blabbermouth boss, but that's another matter).

100% this. I used to be a people pleaser and get upset if people didn't like me. A combination of working on it and menopause has resulted in me truly not caring anymore...in fact, it doesn't really cross my mind. I don't like many of my colleagues. It just seems quite irrelevant most of the time now.

I had a situation a few weeks ago where a newish colleague was really unpleasant and I think quite unprofessional towards me. I'll be honest and say that did upset me, but not because I want her to like me. Because I want to have a well functioning team and I was really pissed off with her for being so difficult. I'm also worried that she'll end up causing trouble for me so I'm being very careful what I say or write to her.

Her behaviour demonstrates that you were right in your instincts.

you boss has shown who he is.

I have had a similar situation. I was hurt but I took the feedback, will work on the suggested areas and will re apply for the post.

Okay sounds bad but... why is your boss undermining you? How good is your relationship really?

I have a similar situation and a AH manager with 0 emotional intelligence (and who can't be wrong).
It won't help you now but I've learned to let him have the final say on things like this to avoid conflicts, particularly when it comes to HR so I can confidently say it was out of my hands when it backfire.

Your manager was wrong to say anything, and I would ask him how to restore trust in the team now. I think you just need to ignore her and continue as normal tbh.

The more she stamps her got the more she proves you made the right decision. I’d be watching her like a hawk and collecting evidence to start to manage her out if I were you. I’m sure you have other team members more deserving of your support and investment.

I’m going to go against the tide here and say that you have to live with your poor decision that “she wasn’t ready”. You haven’t clarified at all why you thought this, it sounds like a completely subjective opinion and I don’t blame her for disliking you. I can never understand why people block promotions, unless somebody really really really doesn’t have the experience. It’s like why do you care if she wants to progress her career. I think there’s more to this than what you say and that you were being disingenuous by saying she just wasn’t ready. other people thought that she was and they have the right to tell her that they disagreed with the opinion if they want to.