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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A wedding question

331 replies

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 08:34

Hi,

Partner of 9 years has finally (😂) started to make some noises about us getting married. He has floated the idea of a beach wedding in somewhere abroad (initial idea is Santorini) with just nearest and dearest (parents and bridesmaids etc) and our children there, followed by a party back home to celebrate where we can invite wider family and friends. He seems to think this would work out cheaper than a UK wedding. What are people's thoughts on the financial aspect of abroad versus home, and also just general pros and cons of each I might not have considered?

Thank you!

OP posts:
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Stickyricepudding · 24/03/2024 20:55

@askingaquestionaboutthis If your partner is on a life support system or dies before marriage, you will not be seen as next of kin. His family would be in a legal position to make decisions, same with his financial circumstances. I read about a woman who was excluded from her partner's funeral arrangements by his family. This was because they weren't married even though together for over 10 years.

Your dd will inherit (everything will be held in trust for her) and/or his family rather than you. You will not be entitled to any bereaved spouse benefits or life insurance/pension. If you own a house together then his portion will go to his family &/or dd. I & many of my friends decided not have children before getting married for the above reasons.

bolwin1 · 24/03/2024 21:17

Our eldest DD got married in Santorini a couple of years back (delayed twice due to Covid).
It was about half the price for a similar set up at home, with pretty much guaranteed weather.
It was a wonderful day & the wedding party / guests met up several times before & after the wedding itself.
However, a few people did drop out either for cost or being unable to travel for various reasons (including her ex-best friend). There were around 20 attendees.
They went for one of the wedding venues on the cliff tops - the views were amazing, as was the general organisation. Everything got sorted all as one package.
Santorini isn't cheap, but it's not overly expensive either. Most of the guests spent 7-8 days there & treated it as a holiday abroad with the bonus of a wedding day / evening with close friends / relatives.
They had a big party when they got back home for their wider circle of friends.
There are a couple of Santorini wedding / bride facebook groups with lots of useful information & conversation.
With the exception of the missing guests, DD & SIL said their wedding day was perfect.

DysmalRadius · 24/03/2024 21:35

If your sisters are going to be an important part of your wedding then bear in mind that the barriers to attending a wedding abroad are more significant than a UK one eg anyone ill enough to not be able to fly (ear infection, chicken pox etc) or cope away for a week, and with 3 kids that increases the chances. A more local wedding minimises the number of things that can go wrong esp if people can get there and back in a day in a worst case scenario.

CrappySack · 24/03/2024 22:10

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 19:17

@CrappySack

That's made my evening 😂

🤣 Honestly people can be so weird about weddings on here.

Thankfully, in real life, everyone I know loves celebrating their friends and family's special occasions.

Also congratulations! 🎊

burnoutbabe · 24/03/2024 22:55

I enjoy celebrating friends special occasions. But not if it will cost me thousands!

Happy to spend £150 on uk hotel and sane on trains, that's normal for uk.

Less happy when it's something needing 2 nights stay (ie starting very early) or somewhere miles from anywhere /involving changing locations during the day.

Much less happy when I am expected to travel overseas and spend a lot of money. Yes I can afford it, but I don't want to spend it that way (different if friend lives overseas of course)

Jk987 · 24/03/2024 23:23

It sounds like he's calling all the shots? Sounds as if you wanted to get married much sooner than 9 years into the relationship but waited.

Picklestop · 25/03/2024 05:35

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 13:04

To give time to plan and save. I was advised by a friend that trying to plan a wedding in anything less than 2 years is horrifyingly stressful.

To be honest this is all moot as the chances of you getting married to him are close to zero. He is keeping you dangling, I mean nine years? And you have discussed it but yet you still have to wait for your “proposal” because he wants to do it properly despite the fact you have already talked about it and already have children. And then at least another three years for a wedding. Are you honestly falling for this? 🤷‍♀️

No you don’t need to plan a wedding for two years. 🙄

RosesAndHellebores · 25/03/2024 06:18

Organising a wedding takes no more than 6 months. I did it 30 odd years ago, dil did it two years ago.

Caroparo52 · 25/03/2024 06:32

Small registery office ceremony in UK for close relatives and bridesmaids. Followed by Wedding breakfast at nice restaurant or hotel.
Then party for friends at later date

BarrelOfOtters · 25/03/2024 07:24

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 13:04

To give time to plan and save. I was advised by a friend that trying to plan a wedding in anything less than 2 years is horrifyingly stressful.

Our wedding for a 120 guests was planned in 6 months as I wanted to give sufficient notice to family living abroad who had kids. We had a registry office wedding in a castle, took a steam train there with Prosecco, booked carriages out for those who wanted, had a meal in local nice restaurant with garden for kids. Booked out whole restaurant. Off the peg dress from monsoon, new suit for husband who needed one anyway, rings,, bus home for guests that wanted it, few hundred quid behind bar and wine on table, £8k.

BloodyAdultDC · 25/03/2024 07:48

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 09:07

My friend reckoned I'd be struggling to get the whole cost under 20k in this country! Hers was close to 30k. That's what's put me off😩

A small wedding of 12 people in the UK you could do for less than £2k. Plus all the other faff (which you would have in Santorini anyway, such as dresses, rings etc). Compared to at least a week's annual leave, a cost of minimum £1k each for flights and accomodation, food, wedding faff.

Your dp wants a small yet expensive (and inconvenient) wedding abroad, rather than a more 'boring' registry office do at home.

It's normally the bride that is asked the question - do you want the wedding or the marriage?

FWIW I wouldn't take my family of 5 to a destination wedding for anyone. An expectation to attend and be part of the bridal party kinda stings when you say your dsis has 3 years to save up.

anon2022anon · 25/03/2024 08:43

Are you me? Lots of similarities going on!
DP and I have been together 9 years. Discussed marriage a couple of years ago. Chose a ring together last year. He proposed last month.
DP would like to get married abroad as it's cheaper, but we would also have a party here, so it's not cheaper altogether.
I'm leaning towards a ceremony here.

Things we are considering:
If we do get married abroad, then I would consider a city or very close to one. That way if people would like to come with us (up to them), they could potentially come out for a 3 day weekend and only one days annual leave, rather than a week, and more chance of flights being reasonably priced. Venice was fairly high on my list (Italian weddings are legal here).
Cons are we have a large family, a lot said they would come, so you still have the 'wedding' to do- plan a ceremony, photographer, florists, find and book a meal somewhere for everyone. That to me is the same cost as doing it at home, but with added flights, hassle and sorting things in another country/ language.
Another option is to do a hotel wedding, as you suggested, maybe Greece. My sister did this 15 years ago, so we have some idea of it. Pros are it's SO easy to sort. You literally shown up with your outfits, book a photographer. When we got there, she was given an option of colour flowers she wanted, a selection of dates during the holiday she could do it on, did she want the standard cake or pay extra. We were taken by minibus on the day of the wedding to the local chapel/ registry office, ceremony conducted, few photos, back to the hotel. A room was there for us, food and cake was provided (all inclusive hotel anyway).
Cons of it were- limited choices available, it didn't really have a wedding atmosphere beyond the hour of the ceremony and an hour after, as we all got changed out of posh outfits and into swimwear very quickly. Major con for us is that we would have to spend at least a week on an extended family (for both sides) holiday, which is not for us.

Things we are now considering to get married on a budget:
getting married somewhere on a Thursday/ Friday with close family, with a small drinks reception after, then having a big party Saturday.
A twilight wedding
Looking at something like a village hall rather than a hotel/ stately home, and avoiding a sit down meal.
As we have a big family on each side, a sit down meal is what will add up the cost for us, and we really aren't bothered about it, so that's what we're looking to avoid. Obviously we will have food, but we don't need a traditional 3 course wedding breakfast. We'd rather have a party atmosphere!

If you haven't already, look on the local council websites for the areas you would consider getting married. They have lists of every place that has a license to conduct ceremonies. And a lovely one that none many consider, have a Google of national trust properties near you that offer weddings. You might find a gem. You can also ask on your local Facebook groups (anonymously if you need) for recommendations of budget/ alternative wedding reception venues locally, you'd be surprised at some places that get offered.

Good luck!

anon2022anon · 25/03/2024 08:44

In case you wanted to look, the hotel she got married was the Sani beach in Halkidiki. A long time ago, so prices will have changed, but at the time it cost about 4- 5k, and £1300 ish of that was an all inclusive holiday for 2 weeks for 2 adults and a child.

EasterBunnny · 25/03/2024 08:53

In case you wanted to look, the hotel she got married was the Sani beach in Halkidiki. A long time ago, so prices will have changed, but at the time it cost about 4- 5k, and £1300 ish of that was an all inclusive holiday for 2 weeks for 2 adults and a child.

You bet the prices have changed!

Tahinii · 25/03/2024 11:39

CrappySack · 24/03/2024 22:10

🤣 Honestly people can be so weird about weddings on here.

Thankfully, in real life, everyone I know loves celebrating their friends and family's special occasions.

Also congratulations! 🎊

I’m not sure what real life you inhabit but in my real life, a lot of people cannot afford multiple weddings abroad. Of course it’s lovely to share in someone’s happy day but going abroad is a pain in the backside. Annual leave is limited and has to cover childcare and emergencies as well as holidays and other peoples weddings. I don’t have the money and I am not particularly low income. Abroad weddings are expensive. You can have a perfectly lovely wedding without costing your nearest and dearest a bomb. I would absolutely w it up for my sister but inside, I’d be unhappy and worried about the cost.

Deliaskis · 25/03/2024 12:13

I do think weddings abroad risk creating resentment amongst the people attending, regardless of how much notice etc. It's not a case of there being time to save.... maybe people would rather be saving for something else that they choose, home improvement, or simply a holiday that they would like at a time that works for them. Expecting people to essentially plan their allocation of annual leave around your wedding is another thing....it could affect what people do for holidays in the year before and the year after as well as at other breaks during your wedding year. It could be difficult for people to arrange a chunk of annual leave to accommodate coming to Greece. It might just not be their preference for how to spend such a chunk of money and leave. I adore Greece but only go in early summer not August, because I just find it too hot.

I have been to weddings abroad and have enjoyed them, but it was before we had DD, and had generally much lower bills generally. If I was invited to one now, it would be very difficult to accommodate.

There's just an assumption that people are happy to spend so much time and money on your wedding, and I think that's a bit inconsiderate.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 25/03/2024 12:27

Deliaskis · 25/03/2024 12:13

I do think weddings abroad risk creating resentment amongst the people attending, regardless of how much notice etc. It's not a case of there being time to save.... maybe people would rather be saving for something else that they choose, home improvement, or simply a holiday that they would like at a time that works for them. Expecting people to essentially plan their allocation of annual leave around your wedding is another thing....it could affect what people do for holidays in the year before and the year after as well as at other breaks during your wedding year. It could be difficult for people to arrange a chunk of annual leave to accommodate coming to Greece. It might just not be their preference for how to spend such a chunk of money and leave. I adore Greece but only go in early summer not August, because I just find it too hot.

I have been to weddings abroad and have enjoyed them, but it was before we had DD, and had generally much lower bills generally. If I was invited to one now, it would be very difficult to accommodate.

There's just an assumption that people are happy to spend so much time and money on your wedding, and I think that's a bit inconsiderate.

Not with mine there wasn't.
It was made clear that there was no expectation.
We would have been equally happy just the two of us.
Not everyone is a bridezilla

BarrelOfOtters · 25/03/2024 12:37

Itloggedmeoutagain · 25/03/2024 12:27

Not with mine there wasn't.
It was made clear that there was no expectation.
We would have been equally happy just the two of us.
Not everyone is a bridezilla

I hear what you are saying. But I'd have been quite upset if a close friend or family member got married abroad and I couldn't afford to go, or had to make difficult choices to go...

I think weddings are part of family life and it's really nice to have as many people able to attend as possible. Unless of course there's a family link to having it abroad.

Deliaskis · 25/03/2024 12:44

Itloggedmeoutagain · 25/03/2024 12:27

Not with mine there wasn't.
It was made clear that there was no expectation.
We would have been equally happy just the two of us.
Not everyone is a bridezilla

No, but OP wants to get married with close friends and family present. So she's not equally happy with just the two of them.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 25/03/2024 12:47

Then yes it may cause resentment in this case. My point was that it's not necessarily always the case

CrappySack · 25/03/2024 12:58

Tahinii · 25/03/2024 11:39

I’m not sure what real life you inhabit but in my real life, a lot of people cannot afford multiple weddings abroad. Of course it’s lovely to share in someone’s happy day but going abroad is a pain in the backside. Annual leave is limited and has to cover childcare and emergencies as well as holidays and other peoples weddings. I don’t have the money and I am not particularly low income. Abroad weddings are expensive. You can have a perfectly lovely wedding without costing your nearest and dearest a bomb. I would absolutely w it up for my sister but inside, I’d be unhappy and worried about the cost.

I was referring to people saying nobody cares about their wedding.

mindutopia · 25/03/2024 13:06

The main thing I'd consider in terms of cost is travel during school holidays. It sounds like presumably you have at least some children who are school age. Will your friends/family be able to afford not only a holiday abroad, but to do it during the most expensive school holiday periods?

A Santorini holiday/wedding package might look affordable at first glance if you're pricing it up for late September. But check on hotel/flights for everyone at the may half term or during the July/August summer holidays. It may look very different. Also it's bloody hot then!

We had family who had a wedding in Tuscany, planned for the may half term because there were school age children/teachers invited. It was prohibitively expensive. We declined.

askingaquestionaboutthis · 25/03/2024 13:49

@Deliaskis
I don't want friends there, just my 2 sisters and my parents (and BIL and nieces and nephew are obviously invited but honestly if that was too expensive for them as a family, id be happy with just my sister without BIL & kids if that made it more possible for her to be there).

The mention of a friend was for DP. He doesn't want his own parents there but would possibly ask his best mate.

OP posts:
askingaquestionaboutthis · 25/03/2024 13:50

We discussed last night offering to pay for everyone's flights and a contribution to accommodation if that made it more possible for them to attend. I've tried to sell a U.K. wedding to DP but he's not shifting and seems set on abroad 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
BarrelOfOtters · 25/03/2024 13:53

askingaquestionaboutthis · 25/03/2024 13:50

We discussed last night offering to pay for everyone's flights and a contribution to accommodation if that made it more possible for them to attend. I've tried to sell a U.K. wedding to DP but he's not shifting and seems set on abroad 🤷‍♀️

Well yes...but it's your sister and her family that are most likely to be affected by this decision. My sister wouldn't want to come without her family, I'd be there like a shot without mine.... you know your sister best.

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