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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A wedding question

331 replies

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 08:34

Hi,

Partner of 9 years has finally (😂) started to make some noises about us getting married. He has floated the idea of a beach wedding in somewhere abroad (initial idea is Santorini) with just nearest and dearest (parents and bridesmaids etc) and our children there, followed by a party back home to celebrate where we can invite wider family and friends. He seems to think this would work out cheaper than a UK wedding. What are people's thoughts on the financial aspect of abroad versus home, and also just general pros and cons of each I might not have considered?

Thank you!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Bluevelvetsofa · 24/03/2024 14:37

I’ve read several times on here, stories of wanting to wait for the right time to propose, wanting to buy an expensive ring, wanting to have a big celebration and yet…….

I’m sure OP is confident about her partner, but, having made the decision, I don’t think I’d want to wait another three years. Of course people need to save, but the way things are going, the cost of living might mean that the ideal wedding slips further out of grasp.

It seems as though Santorini might not be an ideal location for a family wedding. Church and a golf club reception
A barn
Hotel

RosesAndHellebores · 24/03/2024 14:37

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 14:28

You know what, that's really fucking unpleasant.

We earn relatively well, we can save for a decent mid range wedding within a couple years. Just because we don't have the money right here right now, doesn't mean it's out of our grasp to save for it.

Are you suggesting that because we don't have 15k to pull out of the air at this precise moment, we should just go to a registry office? Why? We have the disposable income available to us to save for better than that if we have the wedding in a couple of years, so why wouldn't we?

Yep. Because the whole concept and meaning of marriage is not about expensive rings and parties. If marriage is what you want, the bells and whistles are irrelevant. If he wanted to be married to you, he could be by the end of April.

Mrsttcno1 · 24/03/2024 14:39

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 14:31

Hmm. I don't know tbh. He's not really entertained even so much as a discussion about marriage in the previous 8 years or so. He's always said his previous marriage put him off.

It's only recently that he's begun to open up conversations about it himself, and tell me he's been looking at rings etc and considering venues. I'm not sure why he'd do that if he didn't want to?

It may not apply to you, but if there’s anything to be learned from Mumsnet it’s that pretending to want to get married and leading partners on, especially when there are kids involved, is incredibly common and the only person who ends up losing out typically is the woman.

My friends partner also had no reason to pretend, she never put pressure on over marriage, her partner even used to mention them getting married to her friends just as part of conversation, at one point he was showing me and the other girls engagement rings he’d supposedly been looking at! That didn’t stop him leaving her with 2 kids and no legal protection though.

If it was me personally, especially with a child involved, I would probably get “legally” married as in just on paper at the registry office so that you have that protection, then save and have your big special day whenever you can afford it. My best friend has just done this, they have actually just booked a beautiful venue in Northumberland for a 2026 wedding, but they have 2 young children together, so they went to the registry office a few weeks ago and got the legal bit done. It gives the best of both worlds really so you have the protection asap without having to compromise on your big day, my friend does not class the day they went to the registry office as their wedding day.

EasterBunnny · 24/03/2024 14:41

2027!

FofB · 24/03/2024 14:42

I work in a wedding venue and it can be what you want. We've done weddings under the tree outside for 10 guests, who have then had a very long formal wine filled 6 course meal for the same 10 guests.

We've done 10 for the day and 60 for the night. We've done autumnal weddings in a room with a big open fire and followed by a cosy 'family style' meal. We've had people hire the whole house in the winter for just 9 and they've got married and then just spent the weekend together, chatting, playing games, drinking.
I think weddings are now much more flexible than before- I can be whatever you want it to be.

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 14:52

@FofB
That's reassuring!

OP posts:
CatStoleMyChocolate · 24/03/2024 14:52

I know a couple of people who got married in Greece. One had a family connection and I do remember she did the legal wedding in the U.K. before going to Greece. I also know someone whose relative got married in Santorini last year. I don’t know the details so couldn’t say whether they did the legal bit in the U.K. first - I suspect it’s easier to do this than meet residency requirements in some countries. It would probably be worth speaking to a wedding planner or travel agency that offers packages as they may be able to suggest places you hadn’t thought of.

If you’d consider a U.K. wedding, try asking on local Facebook pages to see whether there are nice small local venues - where I live, there are a few stately home type places and smaller hotels which would be lovely for a smaller wedding without costing the earth. I definitely agree with an afternoon ceremony followed by dinner as a way of keeping costs down.

martinisforeveryone · 24/03/2024 15:02

@askingaquestionaboutthis I'm getting the feeling that you feel a bit attacked or ridiculed here and that's a shame when you're obviously very excited by your DP thinking about proposing.

First off, it's ridiculous for PP to say that MN wholeheartedly condemns lovely weddings and thinks no one should ever spring for more than some sad sausage rolls and warm Liebfraumilch. On the other hand, dangling a carrot but needing years to save up for the things that ultimately aren't the most important things, is a concern, not least because of what it prioritises.

I would urge you to educate yourself about why people form partnerships, what a legally certified partnership means and what it offers and what you miss out on if you don't have one. These things are very, very important if you need to call upon them
/www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-civil-partnership-legal-differences/
There is also a link on that page to follow and read up about marriage. It's imperative to check this out if you have children, money or property together and for scenarios such as the rights of a next of kin.

You should also look at your Wills and Power of Attorney. These things aren't exciting like wedding planning, but they are things that protect you in, heaven forbid, the worst case scenarios of life. You won't find many people advocating to spend time or money on them, but you'll certainly hear a lot for people in distress when they hadn't planned and needed to have done.

You are a partnership and I do appreciate that you don't want to dampen your partner's ideas of doing something lovely for you, but by the same token, he should listen to you and what you want.

Obviously I'm not you, but if I were in your shoes I'd crack on with at least a civil partnership, a simple wedding ring, nice dress and a good meal afterwards and then plan and save for the sparkly ring and fancy do when you've saved the funds to finance it. If you did that, you could host a humanist ceremony and a reception party in any kind of venue you like, it wouldn't need a licence, the promises you make could take any form as you'd already have protected each other with the legalities and you could focus on the splashy celebration elements. I mean if you wanted a civil partnership ceremony you don't even have to tell people or wear a ring, it could be kept private, so your later 'wedding' would be everyone's main focus.

Just food for thought.

Living together and civil partnership - legal differences

Information for same-sex and opposite-sex couples on how the law treats civil partnerships and cohabiting couples, including financial matters, adoption, housing and inheritance.

http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-civil-partnership-legal-differences

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 24/03/2024 15:07

I haven't read all the replies but just be aware that Santorini isn't really know for beaches if that it what you had in mind. Lots go for the for the sunsets on the west coast and amazing insta photos. As another poster has mentioned the cruise ships stop in Santorini so it is crazy busy in July and August and accommodation is not cheap in Oia and Fira. I would also avoid Mykonos if you are on a budget, beautiful but expensive. Plenty of other pretty Greek islands that would be nice for a destination wedding.

martinisforeveryone · 24/03/2024 15:08

Sorry that was an awful lot, but it really is something to read and understand 💐

vanillawaffle · 24/03/2024 15:09

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 14:32

I don't know about higher earner, I earn circa 50-60k. I don't have assets.

You mean you don't own any of your house??

vanillawaffle · 24/03/2024 15:10

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 13:44

@Concannon88
I mean the traditional "will you marry me?" proposal with a ring. He wants to do all that part first, with a ridiculously expensive ring by the sounds of how long he wants to save for it 😳 I'd be genuine happy with a cheaper ring and for us to be engaged sooner. He doesn't want this.

Tell him you don't want an expensive ring then. If he won't listen to that and get on the same financial page then your marriage is going to stuffle

vanillawaffle · 24/03/2024 15:12

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 11:01

Also when people are referring to legal protection, can you elaborate further please? I don't know anything about this so would be useful to learn. For example if DP died tomorrow, what would be different for me and our little girl if we were married vs not? Genuinely asking as I have no clue. Thanks

I do not mean this to sound rude but you really need to know the difference, others have posted useful links. If you're going to get married you need to know the legal position.

rainbowunicorn · 24/03/2024 15:38

You say you have no assests OP. Does this mean that you rent your house , if so is it in joint names. If you own the house is your name on the deeds?
To be honest the more you update the more it sounds a bit worrying. He hasn't entertained any talk of marriage for 8 years even with a child in the mix and now suddenly he is. Except he needs a long time to save before he commits to a ring on your finger. There have been many posts over the years from women who's partner had been stringing them along and no marriage ever happened.
Not saying that's his intention however if he wanted to marry you it could be done in about 6 weeks time with a £50 ring so I would be wary of getting too excited.

therealcookiemonster · 24/03/2024 15:40

santorini is tiny and basically vertical in most places. if you are inviting elderly parents/women who might be pregnant/disabled individuals it will be a bit of a pain. I can also see it being annoying for those with small children as its not pushchair friendly. also santorini expensive compared to other Greek islands. and its all rocky.... so not really an ideal beach wedding destination imo.
there are gorgeous beaches in Cornwall (weather is lovely in may/june), Scotland and Devon... so you could have a casual beach wedding (have a look at lusty glaze beach for eg.) and then hire a Manor House or something for the wedding party.
the other option is beach wedding in a cheaper destination eg. portugal/spain/turkey

from reading all the mumsnet threads from frustrated relatives invited to weddings abroad, I personally would not consider it. it's not even just the cost, it's the logistics and organisation involved, the annual leave people have to take. its asking a lot of others.

redalex261 · 24/03/2024 15:52

Just have a UK afternoon wedding followed by meal/buffet and party at nice venue. Everyone can attend. Then depart straightaway to honeymoon destination. If you want family abroad with you they then have option to book and join you if their wishes and finances allow.

I’ve been pressured into attending a (third)family wedding abroad. As expected I must go, it’s costing a fortune and I’ll have to spend significant time hanging out with folk I don’t know well or even at all. So no nice holiday for me this year. Wish they had fucking eloped, but no, must be Instagram worthy, therefore obligatory bridal shot at beach sunset venue with cast of skint, less than happy relatives required.

It’s not fair to ask family to save for years to go to a wedding. You may think its a holiday for them but its not. They don’t pick destination, time or companions. Yes they want to take part in your wedding but not if it costs them thousands and two weeks annual leave.

FusionChefGeoff · 24/03/2024 15:56

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 08:46

@SKG231
3 of them absolutely are yes. 2 of them it would be pricier for due to having 3 kids to pay for as well, so I accept that would make it harder for those ones to attend. However they're a sort of deal breaker to me, so if they couldn't afford to come then I guess I'd be re thinking. We'd also be looking at 2027 earliest so lots of notice / time to save etc if people wanted to come.

It's not just the cost - when you've got a family it's about whether you want to spend our holiday budget AND annual leave allocation without having any choice on where we go!

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 16:00

@redalex261
My parents are excited at the prospect of a Greek wedding, and one of sisters (the one with 3 young kids) commented that it was on her lair of places she'd always wanted to see and so she'd do her utmost to be there. My other sister simply said "whenever and wherever you get married, I'm there" (that's the sister without kids). So I think they're all keen so far.

OP posts:
askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 16:00

*list not lair 😂

OP posts:
Lamelie · 24/03/2024 16:01

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 08:46

@SKG231
3 of them absolutely are yes. 2 of them it would be pricier for due to having 3 kids to pay for as well, so I accept that would make it harder for those ones to attend. However they're a sort of deal breaker to me, so if they couldn't afford to come then I guess I'd be re thinking. We'd also be looking at 2027 earliest so lots of notice / time to save etc if people wanted to come.

3 years time?!
That’s ridiculous. If you want a part have a party without the cost of travel. If you want the legal protection of marriage go to the registry office.
Good grief.

VickyEadieofThigh · 24/03/2024 16:03

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 16:00

@redalex261
My parents are excited at the prospect of a Greek wedding, and one of sisters (the one with 3 young kids) commented that it was on her lair of places she'd always wanted to see and so she'd do her utmost to be there. My other sister simply said "whenever and wherever you get married, I'm there" (that's the sister without kids). So I think they're all keen so far.

Have you read the link about how hard it is to get legally married in Greece? And the advice from me and others about Santorini?

ScierraDoll · 24/03/2024 16:08

To be honest if I was invited to a foreign wedding I probably wouldn't go unless I could incorporate it into a holiday and it was a destination I wanted to visit. But even then the thought of having to dress up for a wedding, the formality of it etc would put me off

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 16:16

@VickyEadieofThigh
Yeah I have and I've posted earlier to say I'm now increasingly in favour of a U.K. wedding. I was simply responding to the poster who pointed out that my immediate family might not want to go to that particular destination - they do. They're happy with it.

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redalex261 · 24/03/2024 16:18

What I can tell you is (from upcoming overseas wedding) in Spain - the couple are having a secret registry office do 3 weeks beforehand with two sets of parents only as their Spanish ceremony is not legal as they are non residents. So, you really need to check legalities beforehand, otherwise you may have to do this which probably would feel a big grim. A caribbean wedding is legal in UK - it was good, and cost effective if you would normally be looking at travelling somewhere like that on holiday anyway. Many guests chose not to stay at the same venue as bride and groom so it was more like a holiday where you attended a wedding instead of a wedding taking over the holiday if you know what I mean.

Cruise ship wedding also reasonable, again if this would be a normal expenditure/destination for a holiday for your guests. also legal ceremony for UK (though that was US registered ship so check).

askingaquestionaboutthis · 24/03/2024 16:21

I've checked - Greek weddings are legal in the U.K.

OP posts: