Need some quick opinions on this pls - DH sending Pic of himself to colleague

[needquickopinions]

About 8 months ago, I found lots of texts on DH phone to a female colleague. Nothing sexual or inappropriate, but shed loads of texts about work, colleagues etc. He's 51, she is late 30's. Sometimes it was texting all day and sending stupid photo's of their dinner and stuff. I wasn't very happy and made this clear and it seemed to calm down.

This morning, I've seen on his phone, that out of the blue he has sent her a photo of himself, in his uniform, so nothing sexy, but why? It opens a dialogue again. Not sure whether I'm unreasonable to be annoyed. What do you wise ladies think?

I think the Old Bill are a bit like this. It’s like a family, not a normal workplace. There’s a lot of emotional connections and camaraderie between colleagues because of all the shit they have to deal with.

Maybe she didn't reply because her husband seen it, facebook messages tend to pop up, this could explain her not replying

You say the volume of messages sent last time was a huge concern - was it just/mainly your OH or equal from both? It sounds like he's fishing for her to reply and show interest and she's ignoring. Is there a chance he's harrassing her?

I'm afraid I'd be having very stern words that start with I don't know what the fuck you're playing it......and end with...... if you're wanting attention elsewhere then fuck off elsewhere.

I wouldn't like that at all especially with the reputation for affairs that exists in the police.

Just ask him.

You said yourself that no on the messages were actually inappropriate or flirty.
Sounds like they are friends .

Police. Quelle fucking surprise.

Yeah, macdonalds uniform, or fireman

Playing devil's advocate, this may be what he says at face value. For context I innocently got into fb 8 years ago. An old bf and I became friends. We would message, never more, never emotional stuff, I enjoyed the link to past, banter etc. My husband was jealous and told me to drop them if we had slept together. I didn't. I was lonely and it helped me feel less so having fb friends. Not just ex. H is v possessive and insecure. He didn't go on fb but started up again and picked apart my fb life. Used it to try and destroy me. In the mid of peri, it nearly worked. I know I owe H fidelity, and he had it. He had old GF's on fb and it never bothered me once. I suppose this is to say take a breath, I get you are scared and angry but count to ten. Store the evidence safely. Don't ignore your gut. But make sure you are getting the right translation of this. Wishing you strength and courage. X

If she had replied to that message they would now be talking again. The only reason they aren’t is because SHE decided not to respond.

Your husband is the one you’re married to and HE is the one who sent the message knowing full well it was hurting you and you’d asked him to stop.

Could she have taken the photo previously, at work, and that’s why he sent it to her?

It's the messaging that's inappropriate full stop, not the content of them.

It was a screenshot of a Facebook memory? Even less suspicious. I send them to people all the time as a reminder of a certain time.

Men can't message women if they're married or vice versa? Males and females can't be friends?

I think @Gabby82 is the other officer 🤣

I agree that it's the quantity.

Just wondering about the photo - I agree he is fishing for a response. Maybe in the past she has said that she thinks he looks lovely in his uniform. So he sends this photo trying to pick back up their relationship, whatever it was.

Sounds like she is trying to concentrate on her marriage though if she's gone quiet

Hope you get it sorted.

Busted!

I just find it baffling. Poor bloke hasn't done anything.

Lots of people message their work colleagues. There not necessarily anything in it.

I think given that there's nothing in any of the messages I'd just ask him. He's obviously going to be annoyed you've gone through his phone. There could be an innocent explanation, although I can't think of many at the moment like!

Poor bloke hasn't done anything

Thats not quite true though is it- OP said he was messaging this colleague all day long and she asked him not to as it made her uncomfortable. He's still doing it now. I wouldnt feel comfortable with my partner messaging a younger attractive colleague "all day long"- either. Thats verging into emotional affair territory. As someone upthread said, he's not messaging 60 year old Kevin from accounts is he- why do you think that is?

Men can't message women if they're married or vice versa? Males and females can't be friends?

A bit naive really. Anyway, not in my experience.

It’s a free country and people can message who they want. Women complain about male control all the time but suddenly we can tell men who they can and can’t message? You may be uncomfortable about it - that’s your problem, your insecurity.

Obviously an affair crosses the line but there’s no evidence this has happened/is happening.

Women complain about male control all the time but suddenly we can tell men who they can and can’t message? You may be uncomfortable about it - that’s your problem, your insecurity

I dont agree with this at all. Telling a partner something makes you uncomfortable is not remotely the same as controlling them. Good relationships require communication and honest expression- if you never do that because everything must be my "own insecurity" then the relationship wont last.

Sounds like he stopped when she asked him to and just tagged her in a FB memory. 60 year old Keith probably wasn't relevant to the context of the photo.

I suppose if he was sworn to absolutely zero contact with this woman he had a friendly but not inappropriate relationship with then yes he's broken the rules.

Yep.
Its an attempt to re engage her. If a bloke who was attached sent me pics of him in uniform id think he was trying it on....id think it cringey tbh

People thrive off other people's relationship dramas on here, so I'd think before you act.

You say there is absolutely nothing dodgy about their messages. Even emotional affairs tend to have an undertone of fondness/relationship sob stories/fishing for compliments.

Maybe they really are just friends? Maybe he told her last time that you weren't happy with their contact and she decided to stop messaging completely. The photo sounds like it might be referring back to a conversation. It's a fully clothed photo. She knows what he looks like in uniform - she sees him at work

Regardless, you clearly don't trust him anyway so is it worth sticking at this relationship? If my husband trawled through all my messages and started Facebook stalking my colleagues, searching for drama, I'd remove myself and phone from his life.