Need some quick opinions on this pls - DH sending Pic of himself to colleague

[needquickopinions]

About 8 months ago, I found lots of texts on DH phone to a female colleague. Nothing sexual or inappropriate, but shed loads of texts about work, colleagues etc. He's 51, she is late 30's. Sometimes it was texting all day and sending stupid photo's of their dinner and stuff. I wasn't very happy and made this clear and it seemed to calm down.

This morning, I've seen on his phone, that out of the blue he has sent her a photo of himself, in his uniform, so nothing sexy, but why? It opens a dialogue again. Not sure whether I'm unreasonable to be annoyed. What do you wise ladies think?

My stbxh is a police officer and it started innocently with him and the girl 16 years younger than him. Not innocent now and he left me. Go with your gut - I'm not an "they're all the same" kind of person, but unfortunately most police officers are all the same.

Don’t let him make you feel dumb about this, OP. It’s highly inappropriate for a married man to be paying that much attention to anyone who isn’t his wife. That much messaging is emotional and time investment – a lot of it.

He overstepped your marital boundaries and the consequence is that he can’t be trusted anymore. Yet he’s done it again when you asked him to stop. It doesn’t matter what the message or photo is of.

I’d imagine they have kept communicating on another platform such as WhatsApp. From experience, I would check WhatsApp and click right at the top to find ‘archived’ or hidden messages.

He’s trying to start things up again if it did indeed calm down last time.

Or he’s deleting.

You have a couple of options imo.

1 Do nothing but keep an eye on his phone.
If you don’t let on and next time you check it’s not there, it means he’s deleting messages.

2 This is enough for you and you feel betrayed and disrespected to the point you feel it’s always going to be like this if you stay with him. You get your ducks in a row quietly.

It’s not necessarily about what he’s been up to.
It’s about how he makes you feel and if he makes you feel crap maybe you need to let him go.

Having a conversation about it will probably get you nowhere because he just fobbed you off last time and still feels the need to do this.
The reason why he’s doing this is not on you.

Could it be they'd ad a conversation at work where he needed a photo of him in uniform for something? ID photo, leaflet or something so he sent her that? Just weird if there's no other conversation.

So saying "I found this photo on my phone" can only refer back to a previous conversation.

It doesnt have to be a sex thing. You asked him to dial it back and it is at the very least a friend thing.

It means they have previously talked about (worst option) her liking how he looks in his uniform, or something about appearance. Or at a push, an event they were both at that they have both recalled, either because something happened (also a bad option) or because they were joking about some aspect of it (not so bad, more of a friend option).

However the overall tone is close and intimate and refers to a shared knowledge of something. You are right to be upset.

So what do you want to happen? Do you want to leave him if he has cheated? Do you need evidence that he has?

I would say "tell me everything about your relationship with x - and don't lie - I know a lot more than you think I do". And listen super carefully.

This! And I would ask him the same thing as you are asking. Why send it?
He knew it upset you in the past. He then continued to do it. You've every right to be unhappy about it.

No doubt he will lie and turn it on you, you being crazy and all that, but it’s up to you what you do. I don’t see how you can trust him ever again.

Exactly this. Its absolute bollocks to say its "all innocent"- then why arent they sending it to male colleagues or much older women in the team?

It's always the younger attractive colleagues they pick to relieve their completely innocent boredom isnt it? I wonder why....

I've checked the date and time of the message - he was at home when he sent it, and so was I.

If this was your DH, what would you say when he got up?

Do you have children?

Does it read like an emotional affair or work colleagues chit-chat from what you have seen before this?
Men thrive on extra attention, and although we all have work friends, then we have those that go further.
I was horrified when a colleague decided he thought our friendship would turn into something more while he is unhappily married.
Recently, I ended that friendship out of disgust for his dislike for my partner.

Just a wee thought - is he senior to her at work? Could he be harassing her?
She may have entered into the previous conversation because she felt like she "had to" if he's in some position of power/higher up than her at work, rather than actually wanting to iyswim?

If I wanted to give him benefit of the doubt, I’d say nothing when he gets up but I’d recheck his phone later.

I feel that even if you confront him he’ll gaslight you and you’ll be second guessing your own judgement.
Hell make you feel like you’re the one in the wrong.

They are the same level at work - both constables. I have children but they are grown up and left home. I've just found her FB profile. I didn't pay much attention to it last time. Just having a nosy.

I’d say pack your bags you piece of sh*t…. But then in at the stage of life and experience that nobody, man or woman, gets to lie or cheat or be a general ass to me anymore.

Has she got a partner? X

She is married. Very pretty.

The thing is, there is NOT ONE message that is inappropriate. If there was, I'd be all over it. That is what is making this hard. When I got mad the last time, it was just the VOLUME of messages, nothing within them was bad at all. But why now send a photo? I mean, if I was a nurse, how would he like it if I sent a photo of myself in my nurses uniform to Jack next door? The question would be WHY?

The photo was sent one month ago. No reply from her and no messages since.

The thing is emotional affairs don’t have to contain anything actually inappropriate. I’m not saying that it was, but it reads like it was headed that way.

Yes, quite. I mean, when that photo of him popped up as a memory on his FB, why did he immediately think to send it to her? Why not me? I love him in his uniform.

Because he fancies her and was trying to impress her no doubt if the photo was in memories he was a bit younger in that photo. I wouldn't want to remain married to a man who was always thinking of another woman. Especially when he'd see her often at work too.

You should tell him you know he's contacted her after you said not to.
Just ask him why? His immediate reaction will tell you a very enlightening story.
You don't need to say what contact. He's a police officer, he must know you are looking at his phone? He's deleted the saucier stuff I'm almost sure of it. What policemen would incriminate themselves so obviously?

I wouldn't say anything....yet. keep watching OP, you have nothing solid to confront him with. He will just hide his tracks if you confront him with this photo that could be innocent. Or she could have replied and he deleted her reply but forgot to delete the photo in uniform. I would keep watching and check as many other platforms they could be messaging on separate to Facebook messenger.