Need some quick opinions on this pls - DH sending Pic of himself to colleague

[needquickopinions]

About 8 months ago, I found lots of texts on DH phone to a female colleague. Nothing sexual or inappropriate, but shed loads of texts about work, colleagues etc. He's 51, she is late 30's. Sometimes it was texting all day and sending stupid photo's of their dinner and stuff. I wasn't very happy and made this clear and it seemed to calm down.

This morning, I've seen on his phone, that out of the blue he has sent her a photo of himself, in his uniform, so nothing sexy, but why? It opens a dialogue again. Not sure whether I'm unreasonable to be annoyed. What do you wise ladies think?

It honestly sounds innocent to me. The photo could have a number of explanations, such as him mentioning how the uniform used to look and then sending the pic to show her.

I have a male classmate (I go to college one day a week). He’s 23 years younger than me and very pretty. We message loads. Sometimes about college work, sometimes about cars, or sometimes just about chocolate. He’s just a mate. Someone I have stuff to chat about with. Nothing more.

I feel sick, honestly. I am rubbish at hiding my feelings. He is going to come down very shortly and I honestly don't know what to say.

I cannot imagine for the life of me, sending a photo of myself to another man. Not in ANY context.

Different power dynamic there if he’s the younger one. And would he send you a photo of himself in his uniform?

Does anyone know how to find deleted FB messenger texts?

Could it be a work thing? Maybe she is in charge of their social media or has to create a poster of officers or something and needed a photo for that? Doesn’t have to be that they are cheating

Google it it might tell you there, sorry I don’t have Facebook so don’t know x

Definitely no photo exchanges but OP’s husband has sent one photo, for which there is no context. She has said herself that there is nothing suspicious in the messages.

I'm in the minority here.
In my previous job it was an all male team apart from me. I was SUPER close to all of them and we'd talk everyday in a group chat and alone with one another.
We have sent videos of ourselves, been on nights out, photos, I had even received photos of them in the bath (couldn't see anything) but they all were genuinely just friends and never once did any of us overstep that line. We knew everything about each other.
I had a partner and they all did too, we were all comfortable and were all aware of how much we all spoke. I have always been 'one of the lads' and felt more comfortable talking to men than women.
It could be completely innocent and your husband was sending a pic referring back to something they'd previously spoke about, an inside joke or anything.
My vote is that it's innocent, especially when there's no other evidence to go off.
I feel it's not fair that you judge her based off her looks, that because she's younger and prettier that she's competition and there's something going on.

Once Facebook messages are deleted, there’s no retrieving them. There’s no ‘deleted’ box. Just like with text or whatsapp messages.

Really OP you can tie yourself in knots trying to link together evidence to make sense of it. You already know that this is not right. You've spoken about it before and it's happened again. Whether this is an emotional or physical affair you need to decide if this is a marriage breaker. I personally feel that trust, once broken can never be regained.

If they work together there is no need to send a photo at all as she knows what he looks like.

He wants a flattering response from her about how he looks.

To me it's a message that he thinks he's still got it in terms of attractiveness and he's bored at home and looking elsewhere to adored.

Yes this is a very sensible reason. It could be an easy way to get a photo from his phone that she needed for a work purpose.

If their msgs were never inappropriate, I don't know why people are saying it's leading to an emotional affair. Weren't they just friends? the msging got out of hand (in volume), you said you didn't like it, and he stopped. On the face of it, it sounds like he's been very respectful.

I know a few Police Officers (and ex ones) and affairs, sexual harrassment and grooming are very very common, especially by older or more senior officers with younger females.
Not only is he behaving in a way that is risking his marriage but he could be damaging his career as well.

I think it's good that she hasn't replied. Makes it seem she's not interested. Maybe tell him you are going to speak to her husband??

She would not need a pic of him for work purposes. They do not work together (they used to). They don't even work in the same town! I can hear him getting up. No idea what to say, but I can't hide my emotions at all so it's going to come tumbling out.

They just sound like friends to me. I've got men I message from work because we have the same sense of humour. I don’t want to have an affair with them.

I wouldn't do anything about the message and I'd stop snooping.

Gabby would you send a man a photo of yourself?

Sounds dodgy as fuck.

He was testing the waters.. Uniform today. Truncheon tomorrow.. She didn't take the bait if she hasn't replied.. Imo he was hoping she asked for more pics..... Not the tame one he sent...
He wants more... She doesn't..
But I would still confront him.

She might of replied but the messages may of been deleted

I’ve sent photos of myself to make ex colleagues (who’ve become friends outside work). There was absolutely nothing in it - we really are just friends.

However, you are totally allowed to not like it in your marriage.

At 51, he’s at what my elderly mother calls the ‘affair age’ - still got lead in his pencil, bored, comfortable and wants to be flattered by a younger female.

It doesn’t matter that it looks ‘innocent’ or even if it’s reciprocated. What matters is that his attention is outside of the marriage. If it was truly innocent or work related, it wouldn’t be a selfie - it would be shop talk or stupid funny memes. And there would be history and a familiarity and he would be open about it.

I’d ask him why he’s sent it, and what he was hoping the recipient would gain from it. And take it from there - his responses and his body language should be telling. And don’t be gaslighted Op - at the end of the day you’re not happy. That should be his concern.

Possibly. Depends on the conversations they've had. Could have been talking about old pictures, old uniform, old times (at some point) and this reminded him.

I wouldn't send explicit pictures but me in a work uniform from a time we'd both remember yes.

You say a few times that you will look "crazy" for opening a conversation about how you feel about how much communication he is having with this colleague.

In a genuine relationship either partner has a right to talk about their feelings without being labelled crazy.

So, it should not be a big deal to say, I'm feeling insecure and want to know what's going on with your colleague. Can you tell me?

A genuine partner would either reassure their partner or be honest and admit that they are getting too close to their colleague, which can lead to a conversation about how you going to handle this as a couple.

Did you have a reassuring conversation with him when you raised it before? Or did he call you crazy, or insinuate that you are crazy if you try to talk to him about this?

If he is making you feel like you are "crazy" when you dare to raise this with him, that is the real problem. He is deflecting and seeking to make you the problem and shut down a topic of conversation that you have a right to have within a genuine relationship.