A word of warning to mums

[BlondiesHaveMoreFun]

They leave you. I had many years of bliss with my babies. And they are doing SO well. But they bugger off! My Daughter is in Australia and my son is in America. This isn’t how I thought my life would pan out.

Charming.

Are you OK @BlondiesHaveMoreFun ?
I can really understand how and why you would feel sad about this . Sure we all want our children to do well but I would really hate mine living this far away . Are they just off temporarily ?

😭😭😭 noooooooo 💔 I want my baby to be my baby forever and ever and ever

We raise them to be independent and live away from us don’t we?
My 2 eldest Ds are grown and moved out one lives about 90 miles away the other one about 10 mins away I see them both about the same amount of time.
Ds3 is 18 and has autism and adhd and honestly I can’t see a time he would be able to live alone.
I think that is more upsetting for me as our children should be confident and independent and ready to move out
Ds4 and Dd will one day also move out but both are in primary school so won’t be for a long while yet.
Its sad but it shows that we have done a good job making them independent I think

Me too!! Live less than a mile from my mum in the town l was born in but have travelled all over.

@Parker231 @Zone2NorthLondon Yes, it’s often job opportunities that prompt the moves, that’s why our family is so scattered. Everyone kept moving for various opportunities and have ended up at least a plane ride away from the nearest sibling.

It hasn’t stopped yet either, now the older ones ( in their mid-late 50’s) are talking about retiring elsewhere. My eldest SIL is thinking about France or Spain…we’d be happy to visit them in either country. 😂

@Faradalla Where do you and your children live? Sounds amazing!

I've voted YABU but in the gentlest possible way.
As in, I get you miss them but they're adults and then being happy and independent is a good thing, surely?

Mine are little and I sometimes kiss their little toes and think about this! Hopefully I’d have loved them well enough for them to want to call.

You build your whole life around them and expect them to stay with you

No you don't. You've done a good job if they leave the nest.

You have had the absolute best adventures being a mother.

Life isn't always about seeing the world or doing big, grand things.

Just being at home with your family, in each other's company is priceless.

Thanks all. Lots of interesting points. I am very glad that they are independent and successful. But a bit sad that they are so far away. We are lucky that we can afford to visit, so that's definitely a plus. I think it will be harder when grandchildren come along, because with the best will in the world, it will be hard to know them properly with such distance between us. They do say that they plan to come home in a few years, but there is no guarantee!

Why do so many people find it difficult to understand that it's possible to feel two things at once?

I really feel for you. Mine is still little and while I want her to live whatever life she dreams off and will support her I do so hope what she herself will want is to explore and have fun but ultimately live nearby. Or at least in Europe. The thought of her moving to Australia and being lucky to maybe see her once a year just breaks my heart.

I know it's true but I will miss mine so much! 😭
I'm raising them to have independence but I hope that they will stay nearby.
I moved away because family ties were not very strong for me, I hope I've provided them with stronger ones than I had. 🥲

Another warning, they keep coming back

Ooohh yes! The boomerang generation. 🤣

It breaks my heart thinking about what's to come. But this is our job. Its the payoff. If your lucky and succeed they leave you.

I don't know if my disabled son will ever live independently..dh keeps saying "at least he will always be close", but that's no consultation either.

So you can't win. It's a trap. We was mis sold parenting. But it just goes so fast.

Whenever I think about this, I think of patients I've seen who are never going to become independent or leave their parents. As hard as it is for them not to need you, it is the way of the world for those of us who are lucky.

I plan to get a dog 🐶.

@Kianai · 24/03/2024 00:25

I'm always a little bemused at the over the top enthusing comments about dc moving away on these threads.I've lived in the same town as my family all of my life. So have all my siblings.

But I reckon between us we must have travelled most of the world, experienced many different cultures and places.

It seems almost as if some NEED to believe that the only way dc can be seen to be independent and well travelled is if they move to a different country, which statistically is far from the norm and like most things is not wholly positive.

You do you, but the implication that someone who wants to stay close to family is neither independent nor well travelled is very odd.

Yeah this. I find the whole 'my DC are more successful and brilliant because they moved to Dubai/New Zealand/South Africa/USA/Australia' mentality very peculiar. I also find it odd (and hard to believe,) that any parent is happy about it. I actually know some people whose DC moved away 100s, or 1000s of miles, and not one of them is happy about it. They have come to terms with it - some of them - but would be over the moon if they came back.

Actually, I don't know a single person who would be happy if their DC moved 100s/1000s of miles away, and they would be very upset if they moved to another continent. Your DC are not any more special or clever or successful if they have moved 1000+ miles away from home, than those who chose to stay within 10-20 miles away.

My 2 DC (both mid 20s,) have travelled to about 45 countries between them, (holidays AND 'travelling'/ backpacking,) and are intelligent, and have successful careers. They have very good careers, and have had several promotions, and they both have lovely homes, lots of friends, and a promising future.

Inexplicably, they have settled down 20-25 minutes drive from where we live. They did not need to go to Australia, Dubai, or New Zealand etc etc etc, to be successful. I am continually baffled at how some people think one can only forge a successful life and career by moving 1-3 continents away.

I think people whose DC have moved to the other side of the world to live, tell themselves that it's the best thing to do, and their DC are better people for it, to try and convince themselves (and everyone else,) that they are OK with it. Deep down, I don't believe ANYone is happy with their DC moving abroad for good. I just don't see how anyone can be.

.

It’s a shame he was struggling. If he got into uni, that wasn’t all down to the school, so to say it was is minimising his work. It sounds like there’s a lot more to it to me. Hopefully he’ll do well in a new place.

@SabreIsMyFave As I said above, I think it’s somewhat easier if it’s the norm in your family. Our siblings are so scattered that we’re used to it and just assume that our children will move far away.

Of course we shouldn’t assume anything, they might decide to live up the road!

I have a 5 year old and toddler with savings accounts and have always said it would be great for them to use it to spread their wings when theyre older e.g live abroad for a bit or something. I've said this since they were tiny babies!

Don't get me wrong I love my kids to pieces but my MIL 'felt sad' when dh moved to a different part of the country and I always vowed I'd never be like that. I mean I'm sure I'll be secretly a bit sad on the inside but I will be damn sure to hide it and wave my kids off with a big breezy smile! I want to be supportive of whatever they want to do,

@SabreIsMyFave I know lots of parents who obviously miss their kids a lot, but that are proud of them as they see living in a different country as successful as it’s such a different lifestyle to the U.K. and so many more opportunities for a better life.

My only child has been living in the USA for over two years and I miss her so much.