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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A word of warning to mums

182 replies

BlondiesHaveMoreFun · 23/03/2024 21:53

They leave you. I had many years of bliss with my babies. And they are doing SO well. But they bugger off! My Daughter is in Australia and my son is in America. This isn’t how I thought my life would pan out.

OP posts:
Shiningout · 24/03/2024 14:53

I've lived in the same town my whole life, now a single parent to a primary aged child and my life feels very small. I hope to God my child experiences the world more than I have, I'd love nothing more.

Echobelly · 24/03/2024 14:56

My husband and I will be advising our kids (currently at secondary school) to make a life outside the UK when they finish their education as this country is such a wreck. Maybe we'll live near one of them if that seems sensible/practical but I don't know. I can't really imagine what it would be like for them to be far away but I'm mentally prepared for it to happen but I get that it can be really tough if it wasn't what you're expecting.

notanothernana · 24/03/2024 15:09

Ok, I'll go against the grain. I would be devastated if mine went overseas, and I couldn't live overseas if they were in UK.

BUT I would not tell them that.

Crunchymum · 24/03/2024 15:17

Another one with a disabled child who will never live independently, so not something I'll ever have to worry about.

I do however hope my other 2 children spread their wings, go off to explore the world and have all the fun and adventures and experiences they possibly can. But I hope they come back!! Couldn't imagine them living so far away.

SabreIsMyFave · 24/03/2024 15:21

BlondiesHaveMoreFun · 23/03/2024 21:53

They leave you. I had many years of bliss with my babies. And they are doing SO well. But they bugger off! My Daughter is in Australia and my son is in America. This isn’t how I thought my life would pan out.

Ooooh 'eck. 😬I know they leave, but if my 2 left for another country, I would very upset. I know it's their life and they need to make their own way and so on, but I would find it very hard to deal with them both leaving for another country.

Mine (both mid 20s,) moved out a few years ago, (after they finished uni.) Both living with partners, and in their own home now. But they are only 15-20-ish miles away, and I can be with them - and they can be with me - within 20-25 minutes. (If we suddenly needed each other.)

DH has a work colleague (woman in her early 50s) whose son left to live in the far east 5 years ago aged 23 (only child...) She nearly had a breakdown. Especially through lockdown when she didn't see him at all. Went a whole year with no visits, just facetime and skype. Even now, she still cries some days because he is no longer there and has no plans to come back.

May seem like an extreme reaction to some, but her feelings are as valid as someone who isn't bothered! I know some people cope fine, and also, we have no right to decide our DCs lives, but I really would struggle with my 2 moving overseas/1000s of miles away.

A lady who lives near me has 3 children - all in their 20s, and all went to uni - 2 boys, 1 girl. They live 300, 400, and 500 miles away, (the 500 miles away one lives in Germany!) She says she misses them terribly, and wishes that at least ONE of them lived within 20 miles. Her reaction is not as extreme as the other lady with one son, but she looks sad sometimes when she mentions them.

They make their own way though, and we should be happy for them that they are independent. But it is a wrench when they leave, and as I said, I don't know how I would cope if my 2 left the country. I have never said this to them, and would not stop them/say anything/try to make them feel guilty, but deep down, I would be crushed if they moved abroad. Especially 3000+ miles away!

It's nice to have no childcare responsibilities and for your kids to be making their own way in life, but in my heart and soul, I desperately miss the days when they were little children, and I was the centre of their universe. They love me as much as I love them I know that, but most of the time, I feel like an outsider looking in on their lives from the outside.

I know several families with 12-20 family members living within 20 minutes walk of one another, including adult children and grandchildren - and they see each other 2-4 times a week, and I do envy them a bit. This was my life as a child, as a teenager, and as a 20-something... I had around 15 or 16 family members within a mile. And I do miss this.

We had lots of get-togethers, parties, and BBQs, and all met at the social club every Friday night with a few neighbours. And we had some lovely big happy family Christmases, with the house buzzing with visitors and people popping in and out all of Christmas day and Boxing day! Loved it. Smile

(I see my adult DC twice a month by the way... And I have no grandkids at the moment...) As I said though, mine are still only 15-20 miles away, so it's not too bad I guess.

Parker231 · 24/03/2024 15:41

DH and I were the ones who did the moving. We were living in London. DT’s graduated Uni and got jobs - DD in Brussels and DS in Amsterdam. DH and I then moved 3,000 miles away to Quebec. Hasn’t impacted our close bond. I’m just delighted that they are independent young adults - DH and I congratulate ourselves on a job well done!

KERALA1 · 24/03/2024 16:06

i have been working on subtle disparagement of Australia and New Zealand for years now. Unfair yes but they are too bloody far away. Europe is fine.

Kidsfortea · 24/03/2024 17:08

You've raised independent, strong adults. One of mine is in Australia and the other New Zealand. I see them once a year but speak often. They are happy. That's what counts. Mind you I won't be saying that if they have children 😂

Hobnobswantshernameback · 24/03/2024 17:09

my friends child is terminally ill.
I know which option I prefer.
FFS

Notreat · 24/03/2024 17:16

Zone2NorthLondon · 23/03/2024 21:54

Thats A post about adult children, how are you?. Their independence is a good sign surely?

It's a good sign and in theory that's how we know we should feel. But it's impossible to control how we actually feel. So even if as parents we are happy for our children if they move away. It's still a huge wrench and very hard.

mrlistersgelfbride · 24/03/2024 18:28

I hope DD has great adventures and enjoys her life. You give them wings and confidence to fly.
I'm a free spirit type but my partner and his siblings never moved far away from home due to their mum being on her own and they have always been annoyingly in each others pockets. There's no need for it.
I'd miss DD of course, but life is for living. I have plans for what I'll do in my 50s 😊

SabreIsMyFave · 24/03/2024 20:49

Why are so many young people these days going to Australia and New Zealand to live??? Confused (This thread is suggesting that by the way.)

Why so far away? I am sure that what they're looking for can be found 1000s of miles closer! It seems so extreme to move to Aus or NZ. I think most people would find it really hard to keep the relationship and connection going. Not everyone can afford to keep going to visit when they're that far away.

Parker231 · 24/03/2024 20:56

SabreIsMyFave · 24/03/2024 20:49

Why are so many young people these days going to Australia and New Zealand to live??? Confused (This thread is suggesting that by the way.)

Why so far away? I am sure that what they're looking for can be found 1000s of miles closer! It seems so extreme to move to Aus or NZ. I think most people would find it really hard to keep the relationship and connection going. Not everyone can afford to keep going to visit when they're that far away.

Many of DS’s Uni class (engineering degree) have got graduate job outside the uk (DS included). A couple have gone to Australia - higher salary, better lifestyle and more career opportunities.

PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance · 24/03/2024 21:00

I'd simply break down if mine ever did.. we are so so close my two daughters and me ( and four Grandkids) l see them all at least twice a week.. they wouldn't want me to either.. we all live a 15 min walk from each other.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 24/03/2024 21:00

@Faradalla I feel this in my soul. I have the most wonderful life where I am and regularly wake up thinking how lucky I am to live here. My children are thriving and they will have opportunities I could never even dream of.

And my mother is so bitter and resentful that it kills me. I don't know why she can't be happy that I'm happy.

Mary46 · 24/03/2024 21:01

Feel for you op. My daughter was saying she will travel as vetenary isnt great pay here in dublin.. She 18. My friend has 2 in Australia 2 here. She was gutted when they went.

Malarandras · 24/03/2024 21:03

Here was me expecting them to stay with me until I’m 6 feet under. Oh well, I will just need to start thinking about what to do with their bedrooms when they leave instead 🧐

Kneeslikethese · 24/03/2024 21:08

Aw I hear you op.
My eldest (30) is 7 hours away. I get to see her and my grandchild once or twice a year.
Of course it's great they're independent, confident and happy and obviously you can be happy for them and appreciate they have great lives but it doesn't mean you can't be a bit sad for the physical closeness you once had.

I brought mine up with the motto 'the greatest gift you can give your child is wings and the courage to fly' and they have and I'm glad for them but what I wouldn't give for them to pop round for a brew unannounced of to be able to babysit my grandchild.

Zone2NorthLondon · 24/03/2024 21:16

Aus and NZ are career destinations in my career,they actively recruit
I’ve seen NQ to consultants go to Aus and NZ, better WLB, lower cases, better facilities. Actively recruited by employer who wants & values them as skilled professionals. Here nhs is woefully underfunded, staff feel broken to point that we strike. During Covid it was all clapping & rainbows now that’s a memory and we are habitually misrepresented and undervalued and underpaid

Twistie · 24/03/2024 21:33

I moved to the other side of the world from my home country for a new life and to get away from my narcissistic, emotionally abusive DM. She didn’t want me to go but my DF told me to go and see the world and never come back. My point being that not all DC who move countries do so because they’ve been given the confidence by their amazing upbringing to spread their wings and see the world. A few of us move countries in search of a better life which are unrelated to careers and travel.

I have no regrets leaving my home country, but my DM could never accept it, her behaviour deteriorated, and we are now NC. If my own DC moved to my home country, or anywhere else long distance, I would be distraught but I would never let on how I felt. My comfort would be that unlike my DM, I know that DH and I will have given them the confidence and love to lead their own lives, wherever that may be - and not because they want to get away from us.

Cindy1802 · 24/03/2024 21:35

Currently sitting feeding my 3 month old and have just re-tucked my 3YO in to bed... 😭😭😭 i Ieft home (NI) at 18 and moved to England and I'm still here 17 years later. My siblings also live in England. I am so sad for my parents who are still in NI caring for their elderly parents, but I know as much as they miss us they are glad we are living better lives in England with more opportunities. But I also dread my boys leaving me and they are only so very young!

Rollonsummer1 · 24/03/2024 21:36

Something ridiculous responses op. Of course we hope our dc grow up and move away but for goodness sake, two dc and so far away! Of course that's sad.

SabreIsMyFave · 24/03/2024 21:39

I just can't get my head around going that far away to live that's all. (NZ and Australia.) Each to their own. Moving there (for good,) in the hope of better opportunities and a better life is one thing. But you are moving away from your entire life, and everything and everyone you know. Including lifelong friends, and family. It's a bit different for the poster above @twistie who says she didn't get on with family, and wanted to get away, but if you are close, I can't fathom why anyone would up sticks to the other side of the world, to live.

And is it better? I have heard from a number of sources, that people have moved to Australia or New Zealand for this 'better life,' and discovered it was not remotely what they expected. They felt lonely and isolated, 10,000 miles from home, their job wasn't what they expected, the people weren't as friendly as they were when they went there on holiday, and everything was super expensive. I have known a number of people going there (a couple to NZ, and half a dozen to Aus,) to stay for good, and they returned to the UK 3-6 years later. The grass isn't always greener and all that...

Also, there is a thread running right now, where someone can't seem to cope with travelling 5 hours to the other side of the country for their parents anniversary. So how on earth do family relationships continue when you're on the other side of the world? Confused

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5035399-to-not-go-to-parents-wedding-anniversary-do

To not go to parents wedding anniversary do | Mumsnet

We live a 5 hours drive from my parents, they live in a very secluded area so the only option is to drive. We have a very young toddler who has never...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5035399-to-not-go-to-parents-wedding-anniversary-do

stayathomer · 24/03/2024 21:40

One of my friends was firmly in the ‘I don’t care where they go as long as they’re happy, we’ll just go and visit them and get a free holiday’. One in America, one in London (we’re in Ireland), and herself and husband of 25 years have split and she is miserable, says she’s hoping they’ll come back soon

Faradalla · 24/03/2024 21:41

allfurcoatnoknickers · 24/03/2024 21:00

@Faradalla I feel this in my soul. I have the most wonderful life where I am and regularly wake up thinking how lucky I am to live here. My children are thriving and they will have opportunities I could never even dream of.

And my mother is so bitter and resentful that it kills me. I don't know why she can't be happy that I'm happy.

Goodness, I could have written this! I look at my kids and how they live and honestly, their lives really are so privileged living where we are. I feel like our life has so much richness to it, just so many wonderful opportunities and so much fun! I really do often think 'is this really my life?'. How many people can say they feel like this? What a blessing to be so happy with your lot! I want my children to find that joy in life. I would be delighted if my children grew up to be happy, stable adults with a satisfying and uplifting life. Yes, we all still need to work and clean the toilet et , but if the macro picture is one of happiness and fulfilment, what mother would resent that?
Do you think its jealousy? I have wondered this.

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