A word of warning to mums

[BlondiesHaveMoreFun]

They leave you. I had many years of bliss with my babies. And they are doing SO well. But they bugger off! My Daughter is in Australia and my son is in America. This isn’t how I thought my life would pan out.

The British have a long history of emigration, and about 400,000 Brits emigrate every year. The British diaspora is enormous.

I think our generation is too child focussed (massive generalisation but still). We centre our children and prioritise them in a way our parents just didn’t for us. If you parented your teens as we were parented in the 90s your peer group would be horrified! We are far more involved in their lives and we are much closer to them as a result.

In many ways this is lovely in others not. Means when they leave it’s a harder blow than it was for our parents. This is just what I have observed!

My hope is that they will eventually settle down near us in London one day. They love this city and I had to push them to apply to universities away from here!

We are close so I am pretty sure we will stay in touch whatever happens.

It is really important young people are a bit ‘selfish’ otherwise they would never leave home and gain independence.

And I would never ever guilt mine into staying with me. That pushes people away emotionally and I never want to be a ‘duty’. If they see me I want it to be out of love and the fact I am awesome company. Not a ‘job’ to tick off!!

This makes me think about those people who refuse to socialise without their children, how will they cope when their children move on? What will they be left with when they've had no life of their own?

To be fair I'd be pretty gutted if mine were long haul flights away. I wouldn't let them know but I'd feel it nonetheless. I'd like mine to spread their wings and create their own adult life but ideally a drive or train ride away.

I dread this OP. I am literally counting down the days until my oldest DC goes to uni in September. Yes, yes I know they are meant to leave and have their own lives; I have brilliantly independent kids who can cook, clean the loo, hoover the stairs, sort the washing, etc, I have prepared them well. But, I dread them actually going. They will undoubtedly go to Australia and leave me 😭

It’s hard OP and my mum still hasn’t got over me moving (with my then 7yrs old son she was very close to) 250 miles from wales to london. But I had to live my life for myself and not for my mum, same as your children. They may not stay forever. We all want to be close to our children so I hear you. I live 250 miles from my eldest now (he went back up that way at 18) and am planning for financial reasons to head back that way myself in 2yrs when youngest is 18, but no doubt at least 1 of my other 2 will stay near london for work and then I’ll still not to close to one or two of them location wise. I have a close relationship with my eldest, he’s 30 now and we go on holidays together a lot.

cant the 15yr old babysit?

You don't own your DC though.

One of my friends revolves her life solely around her DC. Thinks she's doing them a massive favour, but it's actually a disservice as they feel stifled with her always hovering around them. Plus she is leading herself to where you are, and will be devastated if this ever happens to her.

She's already worrying about her eldest "leaving her" to go away to uni and she's only 12

Celebrate their independence and support them as the fly!

This is why it is very important to maintain your other relationships while you are raising your children. Often, mothers in particular, become so focused on their children that their relationships with their partner and friends suffer. They might not care about that when they're busy with a young family, but eventually, when those children are gone, they'll be confronted with the result of that.

Oh this hurts.

I live abroad and I know that my mum is totally bereft, that she feels like I've dumped her and deeply resents the fact that I left (I'm a short flight!)

The thing is, I LOVE my life here. My quality of life is wonderful and the kids are absolutely thriving. I feel so settled, have made so many friends and love the culture. I regularly have actual 'pinch me' moments as I cannot believe how my life has turned out. It has exceeded my expectations in terms of the fun and adventure I get to experience and the wonderful childhood the kids are getting.

Then I think about what me being happy here does to my mother and it feels like a knife in the heart. I know she thinks I'm selfish and ungrateful. I almost keep trying to talk myself out of being happy here so that I'll want to go home and do the right thing, but I can't bring myself to!

I am preparing myself for when my kids to fly off one day, and for me to be waving them off happily, knowing the joy that awaits and being pleased that I had my turn and now its theirs.

I mostly grew up in a family in which people had moved away. I rarely saw my aunts, uncles, cousins. Then I went to live with a branch of the family in another country where my aunt had basically had a lot of kids, they’d all stayed close to home, had kids of their own… It was glorious. I loved it so much. So many aunts, uncles, cousins around. Huge family gatherings. Always someone to take a worry to or just pop round for a chat.

My own DC don’t have much family around, so we’ve tried our best to recreate that for them with friends, but it’s not quite the same. I would never tell them this but I really, really hope they stay relatively close, especially if they decide to have their own kids.

Please may I ask which country you moved to? Sounds amazing!

Mine are teens currently and I would be sad to see them move country, but outwardly happy for their adventures.

My Indian grandad was one of seven children. Five sons left India to various countries as adults and one stayed behind, their mother also.

When her children were settled, my great grandmother spent her retirement years visiting each child for six months of the year!.... Options OP, options.

I totally understand how hard it is and how much you miss them, but be proud of them and of yourself for a job well done.

Mine are in their twenties now and two out of three are no longer living at home. Our eldest (now almost 29) has her own house in London, our youngest (21 now ) is in her final year at university. Only our middle child (25 now) still lives with us (saving money so that she can move out when possible). Youngest I think will boomerang back and forth while she settles to something after university, just as her older sister had to.

DH and I do miss them badly, but are also now enjoying the freedoms that we have regained, freedoms that we have had little of since DD1 was born!! We are going on holidays by ourselves, and the need for childcare is a distant memory.

That said, I do have my elderly mother to worry about, but at least everyone else can take care of themselves without depending on me/us.

Aww. Sounds like you've raised really confident independent young people!

I'm planning to get into volunteering in after-work hours when my kids are older. I'd love to be a volunteer birth partner for lone mothers, for example.

I actually think this is a very important post and should be taken to heart by many parents (especially women) whose whole lives revolve around their children. I have at least two friends with teenagers who are still at home and living their whole lives around the wants and needs of their kids.
As women we need to not lose ourselves to our kids. They go. Then what? I have 5 and have managed to free myself from 2 of them and looking forward to the chapters of my life after them. I adore my kids. I love them more than anything, but they aren’t my life.

Because you had him young, you'll be able to do those things too, once he is an adult, if you want to 🤗

I’ve lived abroad for several years @Faradalla and my Dad never ceases to remind me of how selfish I am, even though I ring him every day since he was widowed and fly over every few months. I help him with all sorts of things as so much can be done remotely now and ensure that other family members who live in his area keep in touch with him, but it’s never enough.

It’s taught me a valuable lesson not to do this to my own children if they leave, because it’s really horrible. My Mum, who moved around a lot herself, would never have done this, she encouraged me to take opportunities wherever they were.

So when DD picked a university that’s a three-hour plane ride away, (because they offer exactly the course she wants and have an excellent reputation), I kept my mouth firmly shut!

Of course them becoming independent and making their own lives is a source of joy, pride and satisfaction.

It is also utterly shit. It's possible to feel more than one thing at once-even contradictory things- about the same event. I hear you,
@BlondiesHaveMoreFun

It's how a lot of families are living, thank God for technology.
I encourage mine to spread their wings, see the world.
I'm a lone parent, we are close but l am looking forward to the next chapter of living my own life and happily watching my young adults live theirs, independently.

And one of the things that makes it especially hard is the absolute necessity of not burdening them with your feelings. Being able to say that you miss them while making it about you not them. And waving them off with a smile.

If mine don't leave me, I'll leave them! I want to do more travelling.

Gosh it's just terrible, isn't it? Over the recent years she has stopped explicitly telling me how awful me leaving was but she finds other ways to make her feelings known. Usually facial expressions when I mention anything were planning. I live in a tourist destination that people flock to and she loves telling anyone who will listen how boring she finds it. Any time I have general life problem, eg work, she always finds a way to inadvertently imply that I wouldn't be having that problem if I had stayed in the UK. I can't talk to her about anything now as she somehow, very skillfully, brings everything around to the fact that I chose this life, without any words.

Our relationship never recovered. All I ever wanted for her to tell me that she was proud of me for following my dreams or that she was happy for me to be having an adventure. I am in touch a lot and go home quite regularly but I think that she feels like there was no point in having me as I don't live nearby. It hurts so much.

I think that she feels like there was no point in having me as I don't live nearby. It hurts so much.

@Faradalla Yep, that’s my Dad’s attitude as well. I’m here to look after him and because I’m not physically nearby doing that, I’ve failed. Never mind that I organize fresh meal deliveries, a cleaner, moved him into supported living when he couldn’t cope in the house (he’s 85), etc. He’s always had a woman looking after him and since my SM died, that should be me. 😂

I think some of it is generational, tbh. My Mum was more forward-thinking and had me because she wanted to bring up a family, not to look after her in the future. I feel the same about my two, bringing up children was my choice, what they do as adults is theirs. 🤷

Awww op 🥹 that's sad, good for them obvs, but of course sad for you. I know ill be gutted if any of my DC ever live miles away.

Obviously going off some of these comments though if they stay close I've done a shit job and raised anxious slobs who have no dreams or ambition 🤣🙄