To just get so fucking irritated by Husband every weekend

[irritationstation]

He gets up late, fine.

Then mopes around in his dressing gown. Making mess.

Then complains about mess. Then goes upstairs for ages. Always retreating from me and the kids.

I said today we have to leave by 11. I told him at 9. He went upstairs at 9:30 and came back down at 10:45. In a massive mood. I've been up since 6 am ( also had lovely night wakings from 2 year old at 3 am and then I was up with both kids before 6 am).

I had cleaned and tidied all of downstairs while also looking after DC (2 and 4).

I then have to try and get myself and the two DC ready in 15 minutes. I threw DC 2 clothes at H after having picked it out and ask him to dress him. He does it but again, huge grump. Just looks so sad / angry / exasperated.

I help get DC4 ready quickly. Get ready myself very fast. Hair looks shit, I look shit, as I've had no time again.

I put both kids in the car on my own while H is doing other stuff, like taking a hundred years to put his shoes on / smoke.

Finally gets into the car. Not a work. Just grump. All the way to where we are going. I try to start a couple of conversations, he doesn't really respond. I ask what's wrong. Nothing. I then get frustrated.

Anyway eventually it's ok and we buy whatever we needed to buy. Go for lunch and then head back home.

We've been home for a few hours and he's retreated upstairs again. Not a word.

It's this shit on repeat. He clearly didn't want to go out. He never wants to do anything. He's so grumpy. I try to talk to him. Tell him I'm concerned etc, is he ok ? He snaps and doesn't want to talk.

I am so sick of the sight of him. He just comes in and out when he wants. I'm so tired from having had a few bad nights with my 2 year old. I could sleep now. I'm stuck. I hate how grumpy he is.

Your kids are 2&4 they might not need stimulation & to get away to different places like you do!

It sounds as if you suspect/know that their dad won't do anything with them-even supervise them in the garden or doing puzzles/lego whatever.

Otherwise surely you would leave them with him?

You don't (pretty understandably) even like him any more or want to be in the same space.

I really think I'd be considering my options because this situation sounds unsustainable.

The hair appointment information explains a lot about the deadline for departure which simply wasn’t apparent on the face of your OP. You just said you told him you “ had to leave” by then and then only referred to “ buying what you needed to buy” - no reference to attending an appointment. Some people are stiff about arbitrary timings and that’s how it came across. For those saying it is irrelevant, spending time with these sorts of people can put many of us in a grump. I have holidayed with them and it’s both hyper controlling and a joy vacuum. If I’d put up with that and also had clothes “ thrown at me” a bad mood would be a fairly understandable response so it was relevant in that way. Only you can know if the hair appointment is a retrospective tweak OP, but if so it’s worth considering.

It sounds to me you have had enough and want to leave as you know he won’t. I notice you say you are nervous about the day trip as you don’t feel confident of being able to get them to enjoy it alone. Is that your general feeling about leaving more broadly, expressed on a diminutive scale?

@Calliopespa no I didn't make up the fact we had the hair appointment. And yes, the hairdresser is that flexible, that's why I love her.

I know exactly the kind of people you mean and I am not one of them, neither is H.

I just usually don't like to give specifics of every single situation and exactly how it goes down, for fear of outing myself and my family and my H coming across it. I don't think that's unreasonable.

This does not sound like a healthy relationship. Not only are you doing all the parenting, housework and basically keeping the show on the road but you're also dealing with a lazy, overgrown man-child who takes you for granted, has no desire to help out or respect for you or what you're trying to do. I would seriously consider leaving him. It's unlikely that he'll change.

What is even the point of this man?

God again so many times I read about useless men.

Sounds like you parent alone anyway so just get rid.

Your kids are suffering here, do you want to send the message that this is okay? Just leave.

Go on the trip. Leave him in bed. Live your life for you and the kids a bit more. He's like a deadweight from what you've said.

I'd also have a real honest talk tonight and ask him if he has any intention of changing, whether he'd be prepared to come to counselling given that you're unhappy, and if not, start thinking about what the alternatives are moving forward...

My father was exactly like this - never wanted to go anywhere, do anything as a family.

When myself and my two brothers were all 10 and under, the most we would do as a family at weekends was go to supermarket on a Saturday morning....and that was it for the whole weekend. We only got that trip out as there was nobody that would babysit for us and my mother didn't drive so couldn't do it on her own. This was 40 years ago so no internet etc.

When we were teenagers even that stopped. We were living somewhere where the supermarket was closer so my mother would go on her own during the week and get a taxi home. Sometimes at a weekend I'd walk in the house on Friday afternoon and not leave it again until the Monday morning. We weren't 'allowed' to have friends around or do anything outside of school hours.

Long story short, my father hated being a parent, got work abroad when I was 9 and basically then lived as a single man until he left my mother for another woman when I'd just turned 21. I really wish my mother had left him at least a decade earlier...we were all happier when he wasn't around.

I don’t know why people are giving you shit. I always change ages by a year etc or the gender so I’m not outed.
All the people saying he was hounded out the house sounds like they want to live in the 50’s as a trad wife. You should be equal parents and fuck him if he thinks it’s all your responsibility. Well done on going out today

He sounds like a lazy father. He needs to get a grip.
Although with 4 kids I'd relax a little on the deadlines.

There are two kids.

Yes, I gathered now after reading the entire thread.😊

Because he is the other parent?

Well, unless you want a few dozen more years of his shit making your life miserable, YOU need to be the one who gets a divorce.

Think about the years ahead of you with this miserable man and decide if that's what you want for another 30 years plus. Of course he's traditional and doesn't want a divorce. He has you as his chief cook and bottle washer, and you just take it. Being "traditional" lets him able to act like a twat waffle and make everyone else as miserable as he is. YUCK!

Yes, this is very true. Imagine growing old with him. Would you want to trudge around Tescos with him when you’re 85 and he’s whinging about the crowds and the prices? I once heard a therapist say that women rarely regret ending their marriages. They convince themselves they’ll be lonely and won’t cope. In the vast majority of cases, however, they’re just angry they didn’t do it sooner.

How was today?

Well... what are you going to do?

This situation looks unlikely to change. It won't be good for your kids growing up seeing this is the default relationship dynamic. I don't say this to shame you or stress you, but because you deserve better and better is out there!

Frankly I don't think it matters that he wouldn't want a divorce. He has been made aware of the impact of his behaviour, he won't change, and he's only one half of the relationship. You, the other half, have an equal say in whether you stay together or not.

The people picking apart your timings and your story….. what on earth.

this man is an absolute hoover. Draining the life out of you I imagine. I would just do it on my own for a while. Arrange to do things with other people and not factor him in. For whatever reason he needs/ wants to not be around/ involved with you and children. Let him do it for a bit then have a chat about what he thinks he brings to the party.

Maybe he’ll get the FOMO. Once he realises you’re having a nice/ Ok time without him. Maybe he’ll realise that you don’t need him and think about it. Maybe he won’t then you have your answer don’t you.

Good luck x x

He did seem sad that we left to go on the trip without him. He wanted us to do the usual boring soft play ( which he hates and never comes to ).

But I refused to spend the day in a way that he dictated. I wanted to take that trip weeks ago and he shat all over it as it was ' too much effort '. It's not at all.

Anyway when we were on our trip he called and said he missed us and sounded really sad.

We need to plan our down time better perhaps. But yeah in general I don't see it improving with his attitude.

Yes each plan your downtime and maybe discuss where you’d like to go at weekends etc and if you’re both doing it etc. then everyone knows what to expect.

i mean he has a point- it is hard work doing anything/ having young children but I’m like you and find it so much better to get them out etc x

I’m sorry op. He sounds like a spare part. Disengaged. Lazy. Miserable to be around.

I loathe many men with no initiative. He is not taking on any responsibility for himself is he?

Why are you stuck in the role where you do everything? What is your working situation? (Even if you are sahp atm he should be doing his share at weekends.)

Your first sentence is “He gets up late. Fine.”

But then I read that your dc are two and four! So it’s not really fine is it?

How are work and home chores divided between you during the week?

Time for a really serious talk. I’m not usually one for ultimatums but I think you need to get a baby-sitter, take him out to lunch somewhere neutral and ask him what’s up? And then give him a deadline by which point he needs to have improved.

Ask him why he feels it’s ok to disengage himself when you are at the parenting coalface currently? Is he aware of how grumpy and miserable he is coming across? Does he need to see gp? A change of job? Does he need to exercise and feel better about himself? Does he need a blood test? Whatever it is, he needs to take care of it.

Tell him that you are sleep deprived and that you could really do with a break. Ask him if he ever thinks about you and your needs? Tell him you dread weekends because they are unstructured and you need him to coordinate with you and play a part.

Ask him if he realises he is setting a terrible example for his dc which might not matter now but will later on when they are older?

I might even ask him to read extracts of this thread!

It sounds like he has just decided unilaterally and lazily that he doesn’t need to make an effort because you are around. Tell him from now on that you are each going to have a half day at the weekends (3 hrs) where one of you looks after the dc. And one of you gets a lie in while the other takes the dc out. And then you have one day where you all get out of the house at 9.30 am.

Tbh I disagree with pp that op sounds controlling. When you have young dc, imho, you need a bit of a routine, you can’t just do what you want or as op says, the dc get grumpy and rampage everywhere. It’s good at least on one day of the weekend to get them out of the house early in the fresh air in the morning, then they are hungry for lunch and a nap afterwards. It’s all much easier if you work around the dc routine when they are this young. Your dh needs to grow up and put some effort in.

What does he bring? He does no housework, cooking, tidying. He doesn't want to go anywhere with you and wants to spend each weekend by himself watching tv. He has lie-ins but doesn't offer you any lie-ins. He doesn't want to go away for the weekend, yet is 'sad' when you do...

Op, so he's bringing to your life is unhappiness and frustration. He's a massive fun sponge.

I'd seriously be thinking about leaving him. You and your dc deserve much better.

Honestly? I’d assume your weekend plans should be without him. Your marriage might survive this, it might not. But if he doesn’t like being out with the kids it’s never going to be fun. So get out there and make your own happiness.

Within this make it clear that you need 3 hours a week to yourself too, to sit upstairs and do absolutely nothing with no demands on you. Decide when that time is.

Just leave him behind.

OP, you married a selfish miserable man and had children with him.
Your life and that of your children sounds utterly awful.
Please stop trying to change who he clearly is.
Focus the energy on getting out of this situation.
He will destroy your life and that of your children.
Living with a father like that is a huge burden.
What is your living, working, financial situation?
Can you work towards separation?
Can you focus now on getting through this period.
Detach from him emotionally.
Get the children used to him not being around them.
Perhaps if you separate he might step up and co parent well.
If he asks, be honest with him, he is clearly deeply unhappy with you and the children and you are going to move ahead and not bother to involve him as he clearly has zero interest and that dis interest is very damaging to the children and you want to limit it.

Reach out to family and friends for support.

Just don't expect him to change.
Some men hate family life and the chaos of family life.
They suck the joy out of their children, cause sadness, anxiety and depression in later life.
My father was like that, despite being the product of a wonderful family and loving parents himself.
He wondered for years why his adult children actively avoided him and refused to give them any meaningful space in their lives, right up to his death.

Sounds as though you both feel the same about each other. You don't want to be around him and he is "retreating" from you. It doesn't really matter why he is behaving like this. Sorry, but you have to still like each other for a relationship to work; it sounds like its over.