To just get so fucking irritated by Husband every weekend

[irritationstation]

He gets up late, fine.

Then mopes around in his dressing gown. Making mess.

Then complains about mess. Then goes upstairs for ages. Always retreating from me and the kids.

I said today we have to leave by 11. I told him at 9. He went upstairs at 9:30 and came back down at 10:45. In a massive mood. I've been up since 6 am ( also had lovely night wakings from 2 year old at 3 am and then I was up with both kids before 6 am).

I had cleaned and tidied all of downstairs while also looking after DC (2 and 4).

I then have to try and get myself and the two DC ready in 15 minutes. I threw DC 2 clothes at H after having picked it out and ask him to dress him. He does it but again, huge grump. Just looks so sad / angry / exasperated.

I help get DC4 ready quickly. Get ready myself very fast. Hair looks shit, I look shit, as I've had no time again.

I put both kids in the car on my own while H is doing other stuff, like taking a hundred years to put his shoes on / smoke.

Finally gets into the car. Not a work. Just grump. All the way to where we are going. I try to start a couple of conversations, he doesn't really respond. I ask what's wrong. Nothing. I then get frustrated.

Anyway eventually it's ok and we buy whatever we needed to buy. Go for lunch and then head back home.

We've been home for a few hours and he's retreated upstairs again. Not a word.

It's this shit on repeat. He clearly didn't want to go out. He never wants to do anything. He's so grumpy. I try to talk to him. Tell him I'm concerned etc, is he ok ? He snaps and doesn't want to talk.

I am so sick of the sight of him. He just comes in and out when he wants. I'm so tired from having had a few bad nights with my 2 year old. I could sleep now. I'm stuck. I hate how grumpy he is.

I think you’re right. I’m surprised I’ve never made the connection before .My friends partner sounds similar, he is a nice enough guy but he sits in , smoking weed and playing computer games and in his bedroom a lot when he’s not at work. He’s self employed but works off and on.

And yeah the financial cost of weed is something a lot of people don’t think about. I gave my friends hundreds of pounds over the years, and always paid for her and her kids if we went out and got them birthday presents etc (which he doesn’t) . I stopped it all, when I found out she lent him money for weed.

I realised she wouldn’t need to ask me for money if her partner didn’t spend so much of his/their money on weed instead of their shared children .

@Sneezingdust literally!! How frustrating for you, when the man should be stepping up but spending family money on weed. My ex was self employed too and honestly I hate the self employed life, not all men but him and his brother would take days off easily because there is less discipline than working in an office job or for a proper company, where you would not be able to pick and choose whether to go in.

I am glad you stopped giving money, it's bad enough the wife and family having less money because of this habit but for a friend to have to fund this too! The cheek.

He said he needs time today to do some work

Tell him he better get started because you are going out ALONE at 1pm so he'll need to be free to watch the children. Then, at 1pm on the dot, go out and have some time to yourself. Stay out as long as possible. Tell him to only call you if it's an emergency.

OP, this sounds very tough and bits remind me of what my life was like with my young kids. It sounds like you made a good start by communicating how you are feeling and made a plan to address it however he didn’t go along with it as you wanted. Keep going with the communication - it’ll help you both work out what you need.

I found that although I wanted family time what I actually really needed was downtime or not even downtime - just some time alone in the house to do things I needed. Would it have worked for instance for him to take the kids to the hairdresser for example? My DH got so used to me doing everything I think he lost his confidence. He now does things with the kids without me (his way, he’s often late, wouldn’t have packed the things I would etc… but that is OK we are different people and he doesn’t have to do things ‘my way’) and sometimes (not often) we now have the family times you crave on a more equal footing without me doing all the stuff. Although most of the time I realise that nice family outings are something of a myth and most are a little disappointing 🤣

I've been up since before 6 again. Whilst also having had some insomnia in the night- so awake from 3-5 am. This is usual for me, it's either the kids or my insomnia that keep me up.

Guess who's still in bed now of course.

I just want to run away today. I might take the kids on a city trip I wanted to do a few weeks ago that he shat all over. I am just a little worried I'll struggle by myself to get them to really enjoy it.

Please leave the kids with your husband. You don't need to be a martyr, go out on your own. Get some thinking time, have a coffee, wander round some shops, anything that gets you out of the house ON YOUR OWN.

Sounds like you've got yourself into a situation where you do everything, 24/7 because you're trying your best fix your dh. Give him the time and space he says he needs to keep him happy - or try to improve his mood.

I'll let you into a secret, you could fart rainbow dust and he still wouldn't be happy, you know why? Because his moods have served him well and continue to do so. This way he gets people feeling sorry for him (you did in the early days), so they tiptoe around him in an attempt to cheer him up . This results in him getting exactly what he wants. In your relationship he has someone who will cook, clean, and look after the dc, while he has to do is work. I don't think he's depressed or unhappy at all, he's just a lazy twat who likes everyone to dance to his tune.

Why are you arranging to go out alone with the dc again today? Why not stay at home so when he's finished work you can hand the dc over to him so YOU can get some space? I suspect he's never had the dc alone, done a night wake or taken them to a soft play?

If you don't want to leave you have to start making changes, he has 50% parental responsibility for your children, and should be 50% parenting the minute he walks through the door from work.

Don't keep walking on egg shells, he's not moody because he's sad, he's moody because you don't ask him to do anything.

Go and wake him up, he wants to work so take the dc in and give them to him so you can go and have a shower and he can get up for work. Once he's finished work, have a family lunch and then go out to your local Costa for an hour or so and have some YOU time.

I think it’s quite simple, OP: he doesn’t like looking after small children because a lot of it’s a strange mix of exhausting, boring and stressful. So he’s checked out.

Guess what: I also find a lot of “family life” (really dislike that phrase) with a (fairly) young child boring and stressful - but I’m a mother, so I don’t get to check out and thank god I have a supportive husband who pulls his weight.

As is common on these threads, PPs have suggested drawing up rotas and schedules to allocate to him his share of responsibilities. First: who made you the project manager of the entire family? You’ve enough on your plate. Second - LOL: I’d wager he’d just ignore these.

Sadly, I think it’s extremely unlikely he’ll change so you’ll probably end up gradually living separate lives and then divorced.

OP- put yourself first. I get it, not wanting to stay in etc, but it won't do the kids any harm to stay with DH for a few hours whilst you go out. Do what YOU want to do. It sounds exhausting.

I suspect this relationship is dead. This ridiculous imbalance of childcare and family life has clearly gone on for years and it is probably now too late to change it. It is an appalling way to live and I could not tolerate a single day of this. I would definitely rather be single. I could never be with a man like this. He sounds like a shit husband and a shit dad.

Just send the kids up to him. I understand he’s trying to hide away/stay in bed but you’re taking everything in your shoulders and being a martyr about it.

He’s only somewhere else in the house, so tell the kids - go wake dad up etc rather than leaving him to it all the time.

I'm taking the kids out and away from here. I need some stimulation too.

I'm just so fucking bored of this place. We never go anywhere.

I love going to new places, I need stimulation and I think it's also important and healthy for kids to not always go to the same shit. I can't stand one more day in this house with his man, in this way. I refuse.

Good. End this shit relationship before you waste any more of your and your kids’ lives. It’s good to do different things and stimulate your minds. He is lazy in every way.

Don't let this selfish prick ruin yours and your kids weekend. It's hard to do things on your own with them yes but when they grow up they will remember that it was always mum who was there with them doing things, and dad was never present. That's his burden to bear. You can't make him have a relationship with the children when it's clear he doesn't want to.

Children are hard work, he can't just check out like this but if he chooses to then it's on him. Don't waste your days trying to encourage him.

I don't know why you would want to spend a day out with someone like this it must be so draining. I know I would be much happier on my own with just the kids. Just say "we're off to the park/shops/zoo today. You coming?" Then if he says no just go off and have a wonderful day leaving him to it. Don't waste time trying to convince him, just take his first answer and then crack on with your day.

OP, can I ask you a question? Would it make a difference if you were able to go out without DC and do something just for you at the weekends? If it would, maybe you could tell him that is what you’re doing next weekend and that he’ll be in charge of DC?

I keep banging my head against the wall. If I try to talk to him about stuff, he says he's bored of always talking about stuff and I should leave him alone and I'm giving him a hard time.

This is a classic diversionary tactic. If he refuses to talk then he doesn’t have to agree to make any changes.

Don’t fall for it. I personally think he will never change and you need to cut your losses. Best scenario is HE leaves the house.

Why do you put up with it? I think the vast majority of dads living with such a woman would think “We are meant to be a team. Instead I’m doing everything while putting up with a moping non-contributing adult destroying everyone’s mood. Sod this”. Seems some women have higher expectations of their children than they do of their husbands.

I'll say it again, what a lovely, amazing wife you are giving your husband the peace and quiet he wants.

He'll never change or leave because he doesn't have to. You've got it all down to a T.

Not that this solves your DH being a dick at all. But re: getting out of the house - is there a local attraction you can get annual passes for? I used to do this when my DC were those kind of ages.

So like a pass for the farm, or the safari park or even (dreaded) soft play? I'd get them for the DC christmas or birthday present and tbh it just broke things up a bit knowing we could drive to the farm, the kids could play in the indoor play area for a bit while I sat on my arse and rested, then we'd pat a pony or whatever then come home. No pressure to do a full day out as we had passes but it meant we always had an activity to go to and it didn't cost us anything.

This is awful. It’s stalemate. You can’t change things and the resentment will only build.

The sooner you accept you’re not going to have a happy family life with him the better. Just because he’s a “traditionalist” whatever that means doesn’t mean you have no choice over yours and your children’s lives. Are you financially able to separate or is that what’s keeping you there?

I know you’re tired Op and I sympathise but the quicker you proactively take action to get him out of your lives the better.

I really feel for you Op, you're angry & feeling better & want him to actively do something without you having to tell him to do something but Woodburningstov is right...you have to start making a change & today could be that day.

Him working today is an excuse. You get yourself ready, get the kids dressed, get them breakfast, prepare lunch if you have to for the kids but GO OUT on your own. There will be plenty of other weekends to take the kids on that city trip.

Shops open at 11, have a wander, a sit down, string it out cos I know you'll be stressing but if he doesn't want to divorce he has to be made to realise that he has to take part in caring for his children.

Yes, be prepared that the house will be a mess when you get home & yes, no doubt you will have to clear it up but you would have had that precious free time, that breather that you needed & you probably won't mind tidying up when you get home cos no he won't do it.

If you take the kids out today, nothing will change & you'll come home angry.

If you want to save your marriage, little steps. If he doesn't want to save the marriage he is telling you loud & clear.

MAKE THAT CHANGE TODAY OP.

I think divorce is the only option op. I could not live with that either. What a shit role model for your kids too. He either massively shapes up or ships out. Life’s too short.

I’d be calling a divorce lawyer in the morning.

Life is too short for this bullshit.

Do you have a job in addition to being a housekeeper and single parent? I'm just wondering if you could manage financially on your own ( with child maintenance payments) because it seems like he has decided that working/his income is the only contribution he is prepared to make to your family/marriage
I'm not sure even whether to agree with pps who have suggested you go out on your own...could he even be bothered looking after the children properly then ? Does he even join you for meals ? In my opinion he's already an absent father. The rest is just geography.