To just get so fucking irritated by Husband every weekend

[irritationstation]

He gets up late, fine.

Then mopes around in his dressing gown. Making mess.

Then complains about mess. Then goes upstairs for ages. Always retreating from me and the kids.

I said today we have to leave by 11. I told him at 9. He went upstairs at 9:30 and came back down at 10:45. In a massive mood. I've been up since 6 am ( also had lovely night wakings from 2 year old at 3 am and then I was up with both kids before 6 am).

I had cleaned and tidied all of downstairs while also looking after DC (2 and 4).

I then have to try and get myself and the two DC ready in 15 minutes. I threw DC 2 clothes at H after having picked it out and ask him to dress him. He does it but again, huge grump. Just looks so sad / angry / exasperated.

I help get DC4 ready quickly. Get ready myself very fast. Hair looks shit, I look shit, as I've had no time again.

I put both kids in the car on my own while H is doing other stuff, like taking a hundred years to put his shoes on / smoke.

Finally gets into the car. Not a work. Just grump. All the way to where we are going. I try to start a couple of conversations, he doesn't really respond. I ask what's wrong. Nothing. I then get frustrated.

Anyway eventually it's ok and we buy whatever we needed to buy. Go for lunch and then head back home.

We've been home for a few hours and he's retreated upstairs again. Not a word.

It's this shit on repeat. He clearly didn't want to go out. He never wants to do anything. He's so grumpy. I try to talk to him. Tell him I'm concerned etc, is he ok ? He snaps and doesn't want to talk.

I am so sick of the sight of him. He just comes in and out when he wants. I'm so tired from having had a few bad nights with my 2 year old. I could sleep now. I'm stuck. I hate how grumpy he is.

What man did you fall in love with and get married to?

Wish people would stop telling people to leave like that's easy especially with four children
It sounds a miserable way to live though

She has four children. Which I appreciate is hard to decipher because she's written DC2 and DC4 - but she has 2 DC, one age 2 and one age 4.

Argh I meant she has TWO children.

But you're right.

Leaving isn't easy.

He's probably picking up on your angst towards him. Who would want to be around that? Do you expect him to have a big smile on his face when you've chucked clothes at him?

Do you expect the OP to be cheerful when he's wallowed in bed after she's had a broken night with the youngest, got up with both before 6AM and he's wandered downstairs in his dressing gown after a lie in and made a mess? Then fucked off to watch TV?

I wondered this, too.

Also noted the ages of the kids and I guess they were both lockdown babies. Did he retreat from the world and never come out if with the whole lockdown thing? I know loads of people who did that.

Yes, I know of one similar situation where he, the man who spent his evenings and weekends upstairs in his study ‘working’ (pootling on the internet and playing Red Dead Redemption) and who huffed and stressed if he had to take the children swimming on Saturday, was the one who initiated the divorce. He promptly moved a mile down the road, said it ‘would be too disruptive for the children’ to stay over, and settled into a life of playing computer games and watching Dave, having the boys over for periods of an hour or two.

Yup, this is what mine did. He lives a mile down the road and see the kids when he remember he has them. He invites them to watch TV at his house twice a month. Boggles me. They're great kids,

Yes, this. 👆

Do you understand that he will never be 'childfree' even if he's single?

He's not made a decision to stay childfree. He's chosen to have a family and now he's choosing to treat them badly.

Becoming single doesn't negate his resopnsibilities.

Yes, this. Sometimes people behave like that for a reason - depression, exhaustion, stress at work, etc. Sometimes they are just whiny, miserable, selfish, self-pitying arseholes. Even if there is a legitimate reason, he should seek help for your sake. If you live with someone, you’ve got an obligation not to make their life a misery. If he refuses to get help, and won’t listen, you have the right to leave. Misery, gloom and negativity are infectious. Life is too short to live like that. Yes, you should support someone you love if they’re having a tough time. But you can’t help people who won’t help themselves. And you certainly can’t help people who are just flippin miserable and don’t think there’s anything wrong.

Great post. I know a young woman with a 10-year-old son. She is lovely, but her husband is a lazy, weed addicted idiot. He has zero interest in his son and never takes him anywhere. She can’t even trust him to feed the boy when she’s out. He’s miserable, lazy, constantly moans about his job, and bitterly resents having to do anything he doesn’t want to do. Truth is he’s not fit to be a husband and father. He should never have married. A lot of people are like that - simply not cut out for family life. He’s now saying he wants to quit his job and set up a football academy for boys! Why? Because it suits him. He doesn’t see why he should do a job he doesn’t enjoy.

Grumpy lazy tool arrogantly opts out of family life to sit upstairs likely flogging his log.

Is he depressed...?
🙄

OP just disengage from him. Live your life, raise your children, dont let any of your happiness depend on him. In the end he'll be the one losing out when neither you or the DCs want to know him.

Yeah someone's an arsehole and it's always "are they depressed"?

Sounds like he contributes nothing to family life OP

Sign up to a class on a Saturday that takes most of the day. Leave him to parent by himself while you go off and enjoy yourself for the day every weekend.

Wtf

You feel sorry for him?

And not the person who's doing everything for the family?

I think I would try to talk to him, & try not to be confrontational about it. If he's not receptive I might start planning my exit and in the meantime do what I could to make life as smooth as possible for me & the children.

I have a friend who I think of as a “married” single parent. Her long partner smokes weed every day but I’d never linked his attitude to the drug use, but perhaps there is a connection.

She’s been living with him for over a decade and has three kids with him, he rarely goes on family day trips, doesn’t attend school performances, doesn’t come to his children’s birthday parties (except the ones they’ve held at home )and for the last few years, hasn’t even bothered to go along to their UK holiday. In fact I think he’s only ever been on one family holiday with them. It’s so weird.

Sometimes people are just dicks without having extra conditions like being depressed.

What attracted you to this man in the first place? "Grumpy" isn't top of most people's list of desirable character traits.

It sounds like he doesn't enjoy family life. Not with young children anyway. Things might improve as the children get older. Or he might always resent this life. Who knows. It's just a shame you weren't put off by his grumpiness at the start. Adding children to the mix was never going to improve that.

Tbh the bit about “ I said today we had to leave by 11” sounds pretty draconian. When I first read it, I assumed you had a lunch invitation at someone’s home or a kids football club or similar to get to on time. But when I realised it was just shopping etc I could see that I might feel the weekend was being made into a bit of a tight schedule for no real reason. Why did you leave looking shit if you had nowhere to be particularly? Our family couldn’t operate with that kind of uptightness at the weekend and I can tell you for sure that DH wouldn’t be rushing to leave the house on a lazy Saturday just because I’d decreed we “ had to leave “ by a certain time. You’re turning chill time into a chore. Yes you’re all sitting in the car at 11 but he’s feeling hounded out of the house and you’re feeling you had no time to get ready and consequently look shit. All for some arbitrary deadline. No wonder you all feel miserable. You turned time together into an obligation not chillaxing. It’s not how we would roll as a family at all. Maybe DH feels the same.