To just get so fucking irritated by Husband every weekend

[irritationstation]

He gets up late, fine.

Then mopes around in his dressing gown. Making mess.

Then complains about mess. Then goes upstairs for ages. Always retreating from me and the kids.

I said today we have to leave by 11. I told him at 9. He went upstairs at 9:30 and came back down at 10:45. In a massive mood. I've been up since 6 am ( also had lovely night wakings from 2 year old at 3 am and then I was up with both kids before 6 am).

I had cleaned and tidied all of downstairs while also looking after DC (2 and 4).

I then have to try and get myself and the two DC ready in 15 minutes. I threw DC 2 clothes at H after having picked it out and ask him to dress him. He does it but again, huge grump. Just looks so sad / angry / exasperated.

I help get DC4 ready quickly. Get ready myself very fast. Hair looks shit, I look shit, as I've had no time again.

I put both kids in the car on my own while H is doing other stuff, like taking a hundred years to put his shoes on / smoke.

Finally gets into the car. Not a work. Just grump. All the way to where we are going. I try to start a couple of conversations, he doesn't really respond. I ask what's wrong. Nothing. I then get frustrated.

Anyway eventually it's ok and we buy whatever we needed to buy. Go for lunch and then head back home.

We've been home for a few hours and he's retreated upstairs again. Not a word.

It's this shit on repeat. He clearly didn't want to go out. He never wants to do anything. He's so grumpy. I try to talk to him. Tell him I'm concerned etc, is he ok ? He snaps and doesn't want to talk.

I am so sick of the sight of him. He just comes in and out when he wants. I'm so tired from having had a few bad nights with my 2 year old. I could sleep now. I'm stuck. I hate how grumpy he is.

I also think you sound ( understandably) overtired.

He sounds depressed, have you asked him what's going on or hoe his mental health is?

As pp have said, was he always like this? Was this who you were attracted to? Or did he hide it until you’d had your second child with him?

grumpiness in men especially young-ish men is so unattractive to me . It’s basically moodiness and as a woman I have enough moods for both of us due to my cycle etc lol not saying a man can never have an off day but I can’t accept a man being surly and over-sensitive 24/7.

He's obviously unhappy in his life. There's many, many people who, if they could start over, would never have done the marriage and kids thing.
It's the other partner (namely, you!) I feel sorry for, as you're constantly having to pick up the slack and maintain a cheery facade for the kids.
It's not fair

Agree. Sounds depressed. My DH was like this for (17+) years. Diagnosed with PTSD from going to war in Iraq. DH got help from combat stress and is good now.

My attitude was the same as this poster. It’s on your DH to get help OP. If he won’t, there’s not much you can do. It’s a miserable life for you, why hang around

Yes, I understand people think ''it's just abit of weed" and for some it is but alot of the time some weed smokers just sleep alot and become sluggish etc my exh smoked it and he would be in bed til around 2pm at weekends, he wasn't all bad but it was frustrating feeling like sometimes it was just me and the kids whilst he was holed up in bed. Not only that but i didn't want it around my children which he didn't smoke it in or around the house but the cost of it, the 'munchies' at night and just the slobbishness from it. I think there is a huge link

"what's the point of him?"

Well this really. What does this marriage add to your life and the lives of your children?

Tbh the bit about “ I said today we had to leave by 11” sounds pretty draconian. When I first read it, I assumed you had a lunch invitation at someone’s home or a kids football club or similar to get to on time. But when I realised it was just shopping etc I could see that I might feel the weekend was being made into a bit of a tight schedule for no real reason. Why did you leave looking shit if you had nowhere to be particularly? Our family couldn’t operate with that kind of uptightness at the weekend and I can tell you for sure that DH wouldn’t be rushing to leave the house on a lazy Saturday just because I’d decreed we “ had to leave “ by a certain time. You’re turning chill time into a chore. Yes you’re all sitting in the car at 11 but he’s feeling hounded out of the house and you’re feeling you had no time to get ready and consequently look shit. All for some arbitrary deadline. No wonder you all feel miserable. You turned time together into an obligation not chillaxing. It’s not how we would roll as a family at all. Maybe DH feels the same.

This is what happened :

We were sitting down, discussing what to do for the day and looked at the kids and realised they both needed their hair done. I called the hairdresser and she had an appointment at 12 (not 11 like I said in my OP). We then said OK let's get their hair done and then go to the shops for the couple of things we need, plus let the kids have a run around at the toy shop as well and then maybe we can go for lunch. That's all that happened and it was all decided jointly. If we didn't have the hair appointment, it would not have been as time pressured. So at around 10, I said- ok we have two hours and we both laughed that it's enough time to get out of the house. There, that's exactly how it went. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm the most chill person. I absolutely hate making plans far in advance and having a rigid schedule. H and I are the same in that respect.

That's exactly it.

He loves his kids so much and he does play with them. But he needs to retreat from it too, because it's just so exhausting.

When we first got together he was pretty down, but I thought it was circumstantial tbh. Later I learned that he's just a bit like that. I have a very sunny disposition, although I also get depressed/ down. But I deal with it differently.

He has the weight of the world on his shoulders. I try to be supportive but it doesn't work.

He wouldn't leave, no way. He's very traditional and would never want to get divorced.

This! The man doesn't want to participate in family life and people are hang up on leaving at 11!

He does not have any consequence for his bad behaviour so you will have more of it. If he likes to play single he has to live the single life. Either he's in or he's out. In facts, not words.

I'm not sure what the point of your husband within the family is

I'm assuming he provides money and some child time

But there's a heck of a lot more than that , to being a husband and a father

So....what's the point to him?

If you don't want to get divorced and he won't change and be more family orientated, then you'll have to do stuff with the children on your own

It makes no sense to have him there on outings etc, if he's going to make things miserable

He needs to change

I dont think he will change

Maybe give him an ultimatum? But then you've got to mean it

It’s not just his decision though.

You say you have a sunny disposition, but trust me you will be a shell of you are/were after years of his behaviour.

You say he loves his kids but I have never seen a man who loves his kids behave like this.

Who does the housework, cooking, childcare etc?

My ex was like this. I used to dread the weekends and look forward to Mondays. He used to do anything to avoid proper parenting. He's still quite useless but at least now we've been separated 7 years he does his share with the kids because he has no choice and I'm a lot happier because I dont have to deal with his bullshit.

@irritationstation - so what you going to do?

A) put up (and shut up)

Or

B) do something different?

Hate to be blunt- but it doesn't sound like he's going to change from what you've said in your posts. The behaviour sounds entrenched. So either you live with this, or you make the choice that enough is enough and seek change.

Maybe some couples counselling where you can get all this out in the open? Maybe asking him to leave for a while until he gets his act together?

It sounds like doing the same thing is generating the same outcomes.

How can he be traditional if he's checked out of his family life?

Or is he one of those who is traditional when it suits him?

What's the point of this man? He sounds like he's just existing in your space.

If you want things to change, you'll have to take the initiative to do so, as he certainly won't.

Wandering round the house in the dressing gown of doom is fundamentally who he is, so if you can't put up with it for the rest of your life (and I most certainly wouldn't, it sounds soul destroying), you will need to leave him.

^ Totally this. What's the point of him?

I have no idea why people are giving OP a hard time about leaving at a certain point or not getting the kids/herself ready earlier (why is that on her?!)

No wonder you’re irritated with him OP. He might not want to get divorced but tbh I’d be giving him a pretty clear ultimatum.

I don't know what to do.

I keep banging my head against the wall. If I try to talk to him about stuff, he says he's bored of always talking about stuff and I should leave him alone and I'm giving him a hard time.

I used to just take the kids out alone but I find it really tiring to do that all the time. It's hard work.

Also even when I did take them out and gave him space, he was never nicer or in a better mood anyway. So it didn't work anyway.

He said he needs time today to do some work. So it's going to be a solo day out of the house with my kids I think for me.

I think being parents of children this age is very hard for everyone and I would also like some down time.

In any case it's also a fundamental issue. For me just hanging around the house all weekend is really stressful with these two. It just means constant cleaning / cooking / tidying to keep the house in a reasonable state. It also means a fair amount of screen time for the kids, which I also don't like.

I think we need to try to get out for a couple of hours at least, every weekend. He likes to mope around all weekend and sit around watching TV while the children climb all over him and make a mess. I can do that sometimes, but not constantly.

Also the dickhead who has to clean / tidy and cook is always me anyway. All he does is complain it's a mess and makes me responsible for it.

It's just really horrible at the moment. I'm so sick of it.

Really really not the point here!

Her DH is doing nothing towards raising their children and standing by as she crumbles under the weight of it all.

OP tell him it's his behaviour that's bollocks
and that he either becomes a fully functional part of the family or he leaves.

Do you actually want to stay with him OP?

Here’s what I would do. Draw up a plan for the weekend. I know you don’t like planning but it really might help as otherwise everything is just constantly falling to you.

Maybe he gets Saturday morning to himself, you all go out as a family Saturday afternoon. You get Sunday morning to yourself, family time Sunday afternoon. You will cook on Sat, he will cook on Sun. Some system that makes sense to you.

He might not be happy and feels like he’s having a hard time right now, but so are you. Why are you the bottom of the pecking order?

Yea those ages are tiring and hard work, but when you and your partner feel like a team, parenting preschoolers is also a lot of fun. Or go it alone and from what I’ve read here, that’s a whole lot more enjoyable in these situations too. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship like this but obviously that is a personal choice.

He sounds absolutely selfish and unbearable. Youd be less stressed single.

id give it a good final go. But be prepared to end things when he refuses to be a useful father and partner.

tell him things are changing or he is leaving. Be clear with your expectations. He needs to step up and be an equal adult in the house. You are no longer carrying him. This will be work for you initially, but will either pay off by him taking on his share or fucking off and making your home-life easier.

set up a rota for days you are each cooking, and what those meal expectations are. He should not be using all the cheat cards.

create a list of cleaning and organisation jobs that need doing weekly.

create a rota for school / nursery pick ups and drop offs so it isnt just your career taking a hit.

take up a hobby that gets you out of the house one evening. and meet friends one afternoon at the weekend. But have high expectations of what the children do in that time.

so not accept his parenting and adulting to be the ones that always use the cheat cards. Lazy days, take out etc.

and really think about whether he actually adds joy to your life. And tell him you are really considering that yourself.

Rubbish OP, I’m so sorry for you. Sounds like he’s always been this way to an extent but possibly having young children has pushed him over the edge?

Does he really need to do work? My DH took both kids out yesterday afternoon so I could do some work, because I have a job interview to prep for - unless there’s something specific you know he needs to do, that sounds like an excuse to get you out of the house and he can chill.