To just get so fucking irritated by Husband every weekend

[irritationstation]

He gets up late, fine.

Then mopes around in his dressing gown. Making mess.

Then complains about mess. Then goes upstairs for ages. Always retreating from me and the kids.

I said today we have to leave by 11. I told him at 9. He went upstairs at 9:30 and came back down at 10:45. In a massive mood. I've been up since 6 am ( also had lovely night wakings from 2 year old at 3 am and then I was up with both kids before 6 am).

I had cleaned and tidied all of downstairs while also looking after DC (2 and 4).

I then have to try and get myself and the two DC ready in 15 minutes. I threw DC 2 clothes at H after having picked it out and ask him to dress him. He does it but again, huge grump. Just looks so sad / angry / exasperated.

I help get DC4 ready quickly. Get ready myself very fast. Hair looks shit, I look shit, as I've had no time again.

I put both kids in the car on my own while H is doing other stuff, like taking a hundred years to put his shoes on / smoke.

Finally gets into the car. Not a work. Just grump. All the way to where we are going. I try to start a couple of conversations, he doesn't really respond. I ask what's wrong. Nothing. I then get frustrated.

Anyway eventually it's ok and we buy whatever we needed to buy. Go for lunch and then head back home.

We've been home for a few hours and he's retreated upstairs again. Not a word.

It's this shit on repeat. He clearly didn't want to go out. He never wants to do anything. He's so grumpy. I try to talk to him. Tell him I'm concerned etc, is he ok ? He snaps and doesn't want to talk.

I am so sick of the sight of him. He just comes in and out when he wants. I'm so tired from having had a few bad nights with my 2 year old. I could sleep now. I'm stuck. I hate how grumpy he is.

We aren't huge planners and usually just decide on the day unless tickets need to be booked or other people are involved.

That's just our style. Sorry it would sound crap to me to have to decide something like going to a couple of shops and lunch, days or weeks before.

I could not live like that.

First, I'd nip out to the shops in the car. Leave the kids with him. Park up and have a nap.

Then, I's go out tomorrow morning for a nice relaxing walk and coffee. Leave the kids with him.

He needs to train to engage more as a dad. Whether you want him to as a husband is a different issue.

|What time this morning did you sit down and both decide that going out today as a family would be shops and lunch ?

as you said he got up late, and you also said that you were leaving at 11am

You should tell him you need to have a serious chat. Spell out to him that you aren’t spending another weekend like this. Tell him the dc are his as well and he needs to step up at the weekends. See what he says, if it isn’t positive I’d be seriously considering separation because he sounds absolutely useless.

We actually left at 12 tbh. My timings were off in my OP. We sat down a couple of hours before. Not sure what you're trying to prove? You think as soon as he got up I started bothering him and bossed him around ?

That's not how it happened. He'd been up for a while before we sat and I made an appointment to get the children's hair done before we then went out to shops after. By shops I don't mean the high street or a mall. It's more like you can just drive to a couple of shops, so it's much less stressful than going into town/ mall.

You need to ask him why he thinks the kids are solely your responsibility. He doesn’t get to just check out, when do you get to check out? Never by the sounds of it. Are you a sahm? Regardless weekends if he’s off work should be shared responsibility

My ex was like this. His life was Work and watching TV at home. His job was far from stressful so it's not like he was knackered.

Was with him 7.5 years. Despite chat after chat and him promising to compromise, he never ever did. There was always an excuse, oh my leg hurts, oh I'm feeling ill. He just wanted to stay at home and watch TV! Weekend in, weekend out!

Wasted so many weekends being thoroughly miserable.

And when I finally got the courage to say enough he had the cheek to say oh I can't do anything with you as you are ALWAYS out with your friends. I saw friends probably twice a month.

Some people (I think mostly men) are happy to have such small lives, but it certainly wasn't a life for me. Thank god I didn't have children with him.

These people won't ever change.

It's clear from your responses you are deeply deeply irritated by life atm.
I hope it passes for you

People are getting very bogged down in minor details and missing the point of the OP which is that her DH never wants to spend time with her or his children. It really doesn't matter why they went shopping and out for lunch instead of going to soft play, or why they had to leave at 11am. OP has been clear that today was just one example out of many and that whatever they try to do, even though they have both agreed they need to do more together, her DH will ruin it by being grumpy.

As for "go without him" and "don't make him go out if he doesn't want to", what's the point of being in a relationship if you never do anything together? Besides, OP has already said she's tried to leave him out of it and even when they're at home he can't stand to be in the same room as his children by the sound of it. He also leaves all the night wakings and early morning get ups to OP to sort out and resents being asked to dress his child.

He may well be depressed, but when I was depressed I still had to look after my own children and make sure they got out and about because women don't get to opt out like that.

He wants to be single. You want a partner who is actively parenting.
I don’t think you have a hope in hell of him changing so bitterness will grow.
At least if you become an actual single parent, you won’t have him moping in your face, winding you up.

JFC he's one of the millions of man-babies. Continuing to put up with the status quo will unfortunately enable his pathetic self interested mewling to continue. You'll wake up one day and be wiping his arse and feeding him puree. You'd be happier as a single parent. I had a man-baby like this, after 12 years I got a divorce and he was forced to parent alone every 2nd weekend. Tough shit. Now I have a saint of a man and the man-baby is breast fed by another enabler. Don't do it!!!

I don’t understand why you waited downstairs tidying up and waiting for him before you started getting ready?

Why didn’t you give him one child to organise, you sort the other one, yes he’s not taking the initiative but you also don’t need to be a martyr.

Imo he needs to move out and sort himself out. No life for you or your dc. Did he want marriage and dc? He sounds like he has checked out. My ex was very similar
.

It certainly sounds like he needs an ultimatum or it's time to go separate ways. My friend is in a similar position and she has said to me however that she's worried as her husband is so absent and rubbish with the kids that separating and then having to leave the kids with him alone on occasions would just stress her. I can get this but I don't think it's worth saying in the relationship due to reasons like this? Kids are so stressful but it's not fair for one parent to just leave it all to the other it's a shared responsibility

This is not a partnership, OP. You should be getting equal free time to him at the weekend and your children should be getting equal parenting from him. It would be shape up or ship out from me. It sounds too miserable to live with.

Either he's depressed, or you are both not compatible.

This would annoy the life out of me too OP! It’s quite obvious he doesn’t want to do the family trips out and the thing is you can make him go with you all but you can’t make him enjoy it, and if it was me I’d rather not have him there at all than have him there being grumpy. So I’d probably take the hit myself and just get out with the kids on whatever trips you want to do, it’s better than trailing a grumpy 3rd man-child around with you.

In the house though I’d be forcing the issue. Every single time he disappears upstairs I’d be following with the kids because daddy must want to play upstairs! Every time he is lazing in bed when you’ve been up for 3 hours, again I’d be up the stairs with the kids, daddy needs to wake up now! (Unless you take turns having lie ins).

Stop letting him opt out of parenting. If he’s upstairs for 3 hours, all of you go upstairs. If he wants to lie in bed all morning, see how relaxing that is with the children as well.

And book in some time for you. 1 Saturday a month even where you get up, get dressed and head to the gym/coffee with a friend/go for brunch. He’s their dad and you need a break. Take care of yourself x

Leave him. Depressed or not he sounds shite

Ps. He's checked out

Oh bollocks to him.

I’m fed up with so many women having to tip toe around their husbands.

See XH was like this. Refused to engage with family life on weekends. Just wanted to watch TV or game. Effectively created a man cave space for himself at home. Things were miserable and I assumed he just wanted to be single. It became clear that myself and DC were dragging him down and I decided to ‘set him free’. He was in a new relationship within a couple of weeks and moved in with her and her DC at the first opportunity 🤷🏻‍♀️ good luck to her, I can’t imagine he’ll be able to fake being cheerful for very long!

He's a selfish prick.

He does sound grumpy and irritating, and I don't know that you can do anything to change that.

However I will say you can manage things better while you decide on a long term plan. Don't clean the house for an hour and leave 15 minutes to get yourself ready and the children dressed so that you are throwing clothes at your useless husband in a rage and everyone is agitated and bad tempered. You are setting everyone up to fail, and whereas staying in all weekend is not ideal, growing up in an atmosphere of simmering resentment is much more harmful.

He sounds like a waste of space tbh. Yet you are sticking with him. Why is that? What are his redeeming qualities? He doesn't want to spend time with his kids. They will notice. It's up to you and we all have different standards but I wouldn't be able to live like that.

Grumpy, moody daddy upstairs that's what your DC are learning.

Honestly I wouldn't put up with this shit, I can tell you as a lone parent it's a lot easier than having a useless, moody man child in your life.