To just get so fucking irritated by Husband every weekend

[irritationstation]

He gets up late, fine.

Then mopes around in his dressing gown. Making mess.

Then complains about mess. Then goes upstairs for ages. Always retreating from me and the kids.

I said today we have to leave by 11. I told him at 9. He went upstairs at 9:30 and came back down at 10:45. In a massive mood. I've been up since 6 am ( also had lovely night wakings from 2 year old at 3 am and then I was up with both kids before 6 am).

I had cleaned and tidied all of downstairs while also looking after DC (2 and 4).

I then have to try and get myself and the two DC ready in 15 minutes. I threw DC 2 clothes at H after having picked it out and ask him to dress him. He does it but again, huge grump. Just looks so sad / angry / exasperated.

I help get DC4 ready quickly. Get ready myself very fast. Hair looks shit, I look shit, as I've had no time again.

I put both kids in the car on my own while H is doing other stuff, like taking a hundred years to put his shoes on / smoke.

Finally gets into the car. Not a work. Just grump. All the way to where we are going. I try to start a couple of conversations, he doesn't really respond. I ask what's wrong. Nothing. I then get frustrated.

Anyway eventually it's ok and we buy whatever we needed to buy. Go for lunch and then head back home.

We've been home for a few hours and he's retreated upstairs again. Not a word.

It's this shit on repeat. He clearly didn't want to go out. He never wants to do anything. He's so grumpy. I try to talk to him. Tell him I'm concerned etc, is he ok ? He snaps and doesn't want to talk.

I am so sick of the sight of him. He just comes in and out when he wants. I'm so tired from having had a few bad nights with my 2 year old. I could sleep now. I'm stuck. I hate how grumpy he is.

This sounds bloody awful OP - basically you have three children as it sounds like he does sweet FA. Not only is he a crap husband, he’s a crap dad. Give an ultimatum that things have to change, give a clear time limit for this and if he doesn’t respond/change then leave. You deserve more.

My husband went through a phase of being snappy, grumpy etc for months. Finally he went to the drs and got some anti depressants. And his moods have improved ten fold.

Yours may be depressed. Not that is an excuse just could be one of many reasons.
Or he may just be a selfish sod.

Tell him this behaviour isn't acceptable especially around the children. If he feels down talk to the GP. Other wise you're not putting up with it anymore

You deserve so much more than this.

He’s no longer engaged in family life with his family. He’s either depressed or checked out of your family already

You deserve better than that waste of space

OP, listen to this loud and clear:
YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM
HE WILL NOT CHANGE.

(apologies for shouting).

Your two options are:

1. find a way to live with him without ruining your own mood / life
2. separate

Personally if I were in your shoes I would take the first option. But you may have different values about the sanctity of marriage or whatever.

Exactly, I’d have given him one child to sort out rather than spending all morning tidying up and not getting ready, yes he was trying to hide but there’s only so many places to hide in your own house!

Why does he get unlimited time to himself? When is your downtime?

He's only going to get worse. They turn into a parody of themselves

It doesn't sound like a matter of inattentiveness. It sounds like the op's husband has checked out of family life which is not really acceptable or sustainable.

He sounds fucking awful. Why does he think it’s ok for him to loll around while you do everything?

He sounds depressed. OP said she’s suggested he gets help, but he refuses. You need to give him the choice - he gets help or loses his family. This isn’t fair on you and the kids.

Isn't it nice that your H gets lots of time to himself. What a lucky man, having a great wife like you that does everything for him and your children.

I'm sure he must appreciate you very much...

He is not interested in family life, in fact i would be asking if he would be in the slightest bit bothered if he didn't live with you and the children, sounds like the answer would be no.

I think in a situation like this when parenting has become very uneven you need to actually go out more and leave him with the kids, or get him to take them out without you. It's the only way for him to build his confidence, skills and bonding with them. When you are all together it's too easy for everyone to default to you behaving as the primary carer.

He wants to check out but the great thing about kids is they won't let you, they force you relentlessly into the present. He needs to spend time alone with them to really experience it

Also, having been in a very similar place myself I would trust no feelings and make no major decisions while you are sleep deprived. It seriously clouds your mood and cognition.

What you have described although not good could actually be seen as a step in the right direction. You acknowledged a problem, agreed a course of action, he came out and you had lunch. Now build on it.

This resonates with me (as does the user name as I'm Autistic and my ex contributed to my repeated burnout)

I left one like this 12 years ago, and have never looked back. I still wake up every day feeling thankful that he's not here.

Someone who contributes nothing usually adds stress to your life, and it's really not worth it.

Life is too short.

Did he want children? Was he ever proactive about things before you had children?
What is he like with the children at home? Does he play with them, chat to them, read them a story? It sounds pretty rubbish for you to be the one always having to organise everything and then chivvy him along. What are his good qualities?

My ex became a very competent and engaged parent after I left him.
He has a great relationship with our daughter too. Would’ve been unlikely if we’d carried on as we were.

Sounds miserable. Does he have any good qualities?

Yanbu. But why are you even asking? You know Yanbu. Your relationship is dead in the water. Yet another pathetic excuse for a man chose to become a father.

He sounds lazy and passive-aggressive.

What is the point of him?

I would say that when mine were 4 and 2 it never seemed like a weekend was relaxing. It felt like hard work. Divide up your time between the children and make sure you both have time for hobbies and friends as well as family time

Does he ever get up with the dcs and let you lie in? If not why not?

Does he have any good qualities? Do you both work?

Btw - if you can do it I highly recommend going for a spa weekend with your friends. I just did this and it was exactly what we all needed. And seeing as your dh does fuck all most of the time he can’t really object can he?

What’s the point of him?

I used to describe my ex as grumpy, he used to do this exact same shit. He was actually a controlling arsehole who hated the responsibilities of family life. He didn't change after we split, either. We just don't have to deal with him anymore. Weekends are much nicer!!

Don’t stand for it OP, leave him unless he shows he’s going to buck up his ideas.

Posters asking if others’ DHs are involved on the weekend, yes, some really are. DH always gets up first with the DC (he’s an early riser, I’m not) and we both get them ready, take them to their activities, play a game or colour with them in the house, take them to the park, or out on errands. Or to see family or friends. That’s called family life where both parents are involved and pulling their weight.