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AIBU?

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Original poster

To just get so fucking irritated by Husband every weekend

231 replies

irritationstation · 23/03/2024 18:39

He gets up late, fine.

Then mopes around in his dressing gown. Making mess.

Then complains about mess. Then goes upstairs for ages. Always retreating from me and the kids.

I said today we have to leave by 11. I told him at 9. He went upstairs at 9:30 and came back down at 10:45. In a massive mood. I've been up since 6 am ( also had lovely night wakings from 2 year old at 3 am and then I was up with both kids before 6 am).

I had cleaned and tidied all of downstairs while also looking after DC (2 and 4).

I then have to try and get myself and the two DC ready in 15 minutes. I threw DC 2 clothes at H after having picked it out and ask him to dress him. He does it but again, huge grump. Just looks so sad / angry / exasperated.

I help get DC4 ready quickly. Get ready myself very fast. Hair looks shit, I look shit, as I've had no time again.

I put both kids in the car on my own while H is doing other stuff, like taking a hundred years to put his shoes on / smoke.

Finally gets into the car. Not a work. Just grump. All the way to where we are going. I try to start a couple of conversations, he doesn't really respond. I ask what's wrong. Nothing. I then get frustrated.

Anyway eventually it's ok and we buy whatever we needed to buy. Go for lunch and then head back home.

We've been home for a few hours and he's retreated upstairs again. Not a word.

It's this shit on repeat. He clearly didn't want to go out. He never wants to do anything. He's so grumpy. I try to talk to him. Tell him I'm concerned etc, is he ok ? He snaps and doesn't want to talk.

I am so sick of the sight of him. He just comes in and out when he wants. I'm so tired from having had a few bad nights with my 2 year old. I could sleep now. I'm stuck. I hate how grumpy he is.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 23/03/2024 19:46

He doesn't want to be with you and the children so I would set him free OP.

What's the point in a relationship if there's no actual relationship.

You'd be happier without him and, who knows, you might even meet someone that does actually want to spend time with you.

PoppingTomorrow · 23/03/2024 19:51

Posters questioning the plans for the day are missing the point. OP is telling us that today was part of a pattern of her husband checking out of family life and parenting and being a dick about it

grapeomelette · 23/03/2024 19:52

He sounds like my ex-husband. It was like being married to a child, It's exhausting. If you can summon up the courage to leave him OP I can guarantee you will be happier on your own.

RightOnTheEdge · 23/03/2024 19:55

He sounds absolutely rubbish OP.

My ex never came with us to the park or anywhere.
He was always too busy laying on the sofa watching football or a very important horse race he couldn't miss. Either that or in the bookies or down the pub because his mates wouldn't take no for an answer 🙄

I got rid of him and I've never regretted it. It's been really tough in some ways because he rarely bothered with them after he'd gone, so I never got the every other weekend off.

In other ways it's like having a dead weight lifted off my shoulders. It's so much easier doing it alone than having the resentment of doing it alone with a big useless man child in the house and being able to go out and have a nice day with the kids without their so called father acting like a big sulky teenager because he's had to waste his precious time by spending it with his family.

Spell it out to him very clearly how you are feeling and that he needs to change and if he won't then dump him!

beAsensible1 · 23/03/2024 19:56

i understand the frustration but rather than “letting him” wander off for nearly 2 hours to get ready, give him a child to take with him to get ready Or to do whatever. while you get yourself and other dc ready.

and if he wants to piss of upstairs to watch tv again he can take DC and you can get some rest.

why is him disappearing inside the home with 2 DC even an option.
why accept everything is on you.

also, ignore his grumps. Don’t feed into the ego by instantly pandering to the sulking. Carry on being normal, put the radio on, chat away to the children fake it till you make it.
the same way you treat sulky teenager ignore and redirect your attention, don’t let him drive the atmosphere of family life.

Start taking the the time to get yourself ready and let him manage in the mornings.
If he’s agreed wether he acts like it or not, stick to the plan. either he’ll sort his behaviour out or he won’t and you’ll be done anyway.

xyz111 · 23/03/2024 20:00

Why did you only have 15 mins to get you and DC ready? That's enough to stress anyone out even in a good relationship!

toomanyy · 23/03/2024 20:03

OP, you’re effectively a single mum so you’d be better off without this manchild that you are mothering.

He has checked out of family life.

Give him one last ultimatum that he either buck up or leave and then start planning his exit.

Obeast · 23/03/2024 20:06

The marriage is clearly over, stop flogging a dead horse, the man has been very clear that he's not interested in you or his kids, move on in life with this in mind and consider if this is brilliant for your kids.

GinForBreakfast · 23/03/2024 20:09

Why on earth are people picking holes in OP's day? The point of her post is that her H is a grumpy bastard who has checked out of family life, not that her day was insufficiently interesting.

OP is not her husband's entertainment manager.

Changingplace · 23/03/2024 20:13

xyz111 · 23/03/2024 20:00

Why did you only have 15 mins to get you and DC ready? That's enough to stress anyone out even in a good relationship!

This is what I don’t understand- how did him being upstairs stop OP ftom
getting ready or handing him a child to sort out? Why wait downstairs while he faffs about?

separationstation · 23/03/2024 20:16

I could have written your post 11 years ago.

DC are 13 and 15 now and I asked H to leave before Christmas.

He was like yours when they were small and just got worse and worse and worse until he was a blob that sat in the corner watching TV at top volume and drinking until he passed out in front of the TV at 3AM.

Mine has been diagnosed with autism and - whilst that explains his behaviour to a certain extent - I also in other ways don't really care.

He made us all miserable. I remember taking the DC to disneyland Paris about 10 years ago and having to pull him to one side as it was a non stop moan fest from him, his feet hurt, it was raining blah blah blah.

I told him he could suck the joy out of the happiest place on earth,

He never changed.

Covid and permanent wfh just enabled him further.

Get out, OP. Before your kids are affected (mine really have been ).

LifeExperience · 23/03/2024 20:18

It sounds like you have a basic incompatibility in how much time to spend out of the home. Some people are introverts and homebodies, and there's nothing wrong with that. It sound like you are the one who decided that both of you need to go out every weekend. If I were still working full time that would be hell for me. Having depression, assuming he does, only compounds that hell.

I suggest you go out on your own or with the children, your choice, and leave him at home.

SpacePotato · 23/03/2024 20:19

Guarantee if you went upstairs for 2 hours and left him with the children he'd get really angry about it, while seeing no issue when he does it.

Stop allowing him to do it. Tell him he's a selfish gobshite for leaving all childcare and housework to you on the weekend and moping in the bedroom.

Have you asked him why he doesn't like his family enough to make an effort for them or respect you enough to share the childcare?

Tell him if he carries on he will have to parent alone every other weekend once you are divorced.

separationstation · 23/03/2024 20:21

LifeExperience · 23/03/2024 20:18

It sounds like you have a basic incompatibility in how much time to spend out of the home. Some people are introverts and homebodies, and there's nothing wrong with that. It sound like you are the one who decided that both of you need to go out every weekend. If I were still working full time that would be hell for me. Having depression, assuming he does, only compounds that hell.

I suggest you go out on your own or with the children, your choice, and leave him at home.

He is checking out of being part of a family whist he is at home, Did you completely miss that part?

Cherrysoup · 23/03/2024 20:22

Is there much point to being in a relationship with him? Seriously, what is he contributing?

SpacePotato · 23/03/2024 20:23

It sounds like you have a basic incompatibility in how much time to spend out of the home. Some people are introverts and homebodies, and there's nothing wrong with that. It sound like you are the one who decided that both of you need to go out every weekend. If I were still working full time that would be hell for me

That isn't what's happening here though.
This man is actively opting out of family life and all responsibility for parenting his children.
He does fuck all. That's the problem.

Truthseeker456 · 23/03/2024 20:26

Are everyone else's partners really attentive on the weekend then, mines not ! I just go out with my daughter on my own now and he will do other childcare like nursery pick up also FYI breaking up a family is a huge deal so stop suggesting divorce

neverbeenskiing · 23/03/2024 20:26

LifeExperience · 23/03/2024 20:18

It sounds like you have a basic incompatibility in how much time to spend out of the home. Some people are introverts and homebodies, and there's nothing wrong with that. It sound like you are the one who decided that both of you need to go out every weekend. If I were still working full time that would be hell for me. Having depression, assuming he does, only compounds that hell.

I suggest you go out on your own or with the children, your choice, and leave him at home.

Plenty of people who are introverted and homebodies but still go out and do things for the benefit of their children. Sometimes parenting means sucking it up and putting your children first, people who aren't prepared to do that shouldn't have kids. OP has also been clear that even when they stay at home he leaves all the parenting to her and isn't interested in spending time with his children so leaving him at home doesn't solve the problem. There's no excuse for this kind of selfishness, and I say this as someone who has suffered from episodes of severe depression.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 23/03/2024 20:27

Sounds like he isnt parenting. I think id be returning home from the morning out, leaving the children with him and telling him id be back at dinner time, and ask what he is making. Then do this every weekend.

Slinkyminky22 · 23/03/2024 20:30

Surely you don't have to wait until your husband appears to get the kids ready? You had all morning until 10.45 but cleaned and tidied. Can you try focusing on getting yourselves organised instead? Take your clothes/hairdryer/makeup or whatever into a room that is safe for the kids and just get ready? Housework can wait till later.
This comes with the huge caveat that yes you should be working as a team, both doing housework and getting kids ready etc etc. You both sound totally fed up. Do you all get choices on what to do and when at the weekend?

separationstation · 23/03/2024 20:34

Slinkyminky22 · 23/03/2024 20:30

Surely you don't have to wait until your husband appears to get the kids ready? You had all morning until 10.45 but cleaned and tidied. Can you try focusing on getting yourselves organised instead? Take your clothes/hairdryer/makeup or whatever into a room that is safe for the kids and just get ready? Housework can wait till later.
This comes with the huge caveat that yes you should be working as a team, both doing housework and getting kids ready etc etc. You both sound totally fed up. Do you all get choices on what to do and when at the weekend?

The OP states her husband was 'watching TV in peace' for an hour and a quarter. Could he not have gathered the kids clothes and got them dressed while he was doing that?

arethereanyleftatall · 23/03/2024 20:35

Truthseeker456 · 23/03/2024 20:26

Are everyone else's partners really attentive on the weekend then, mines not ! I just go out with my daughter on my own now and he will do other childcare like nursery pick up also FYI breaking up a family is a huge deal so stop suggesting divorce

The problem with this approach is then the (women do all the unpaid work, men rest) cycle just continues with what you are teaching your daughter.

neverbeenskiing · 23/03/2024 20:36

Truthseeker456 · 23/03/2024 20:26

Are everyone else's partners really attentive on the weekend then, mines not ! I just go out with my daughter on my own now and he will do other childcare like nursery pick up also FYI breaking up a family is a huge deal so stop suggesting divorce

Growing up with a Dad who makes no effort to hide his lack of respect for your Mum or the fact that he isn't interested in you is also a pretty big deal for a child.

People are allowed to suggest that someone who is clearly deeply unhappy in their marraige and is not being treated well might consider leaving. OP is free to stay put and accept this shit treatment if she chooses but there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that there is an alternative.

Original poster
irritationstation · 23/03/2024 20:39

Slinkyminky22 · 23/03/2024 20:30

Surely you don't have to wait until your husband appears to get the kids ready? You had all morning until 10.45 but cleaned and tidied. Can you try focusing on getting yourselves organised instead? Take your clothes/hairdryer/makeup or whatever into a room that is safe for the kids and just get ready? Housework can wait till later.
This comes with the huge caveat that yes you should be working as a team, both doing housework and getting kids ready etc etc. You both sound totally fed up. Do you all get choices on what to do and when at the weekend?

I was downstairs cleaning / tidying and feeding the children. I couldn't just leave everything as is and the children unfed.

He should have gone up for 30 minutes max and come back down, ideally with the clothes to at least one child. Then I could have gone up and he could have continued to feed them and tidy that too.

OP posts:
Supernova23 · 23/03/2024 20:39

This is why I’m not with a man. Bin him. He won’t change.