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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephew is ruining holiday

286 replies

Meltdowmahem · 23/03/2024 15:33

NC for this

we’re on a trip or a lifetime. Meant to be the happiest place in the world but DN is ruining it for everyone.

meltdown after meltdown. Mainly about what to wear, what to eat, doesn’t want to wear suncream, cries and screams for an hour, finally agrees to put suncream on and then immediately run into the pool, gets burnt badly on shoulders, then screams and shouts about how awful the sunburn is.

constantly moans that cousins/siblings are getting more (they aren’t)

now we have an event that only DN can do due to age, but it requires them to wear a wetsuit, which they’re now wailing about, as if the rules will suddenly be changed due to their behaviour

I’m finding myself getting more and more frustrated, and fear I’ll just explode in a fit of anger and end up saying something I might later regret (not regret but for the sake of family harmony I should just keep my mouth shut)

DN has been a nightmare for years so to a certain extent I knew it would be potentially an issue but it’s just way worse than I anticipated.

any tips for keeping sane 😂😂

OP posts:
Ohlookwhoitis · 23/03/2024 18:50

viques · 23/03/2024 15:53

Is he an only child? I think it can sometimes be hard for onlies when they are thrust head first into an extended family life experience like a holiday, when they suddenly realise that they aren’t always the centre of attention, that other people, other children especially, have voices, choices and opinions, that they need to share time, resources, the tv remote etc etc .

If as you say he is also possibly ND then this must be extra painful for him, but he is not a toddler, a ten year old having a meltdown must be very upsetting to witness. I agree with the posters who have said you need to have some days apart for the sake of your own children who are having their holiday disrupted.

This is so horribly insulting to only children and their parents. Only children basically don't know how to behave in society according to this poster.

pegpuff · 23/03/2024 18:54

alexisccd · 23/03/2024 16:37

I'm struggling to work out why everyone thinks they are at Disney - it just says holiday of a lifetime but not where. I can't think of anything less like holiday of a lifetime than disney tbh

OP honestly, You are being a bit of a martyr - just say you want to spend some time separately. you don't have to be together surely unless you are on a yacht or private island which to be fair would be one of my holidays of a lifetime.

Struggling, are you? 😂 Unless you live under a rock I’m sure you know where op is. But I bet you’ve never been there, or on a yacht, or private island.

DarkDarkNight · 23/03/2024 18:55

I wouldn’t let him ruin yours and your children’s holiday. I guess you’re at WDW? I would be separating and saying you’re going to go to the parks on your own. Just say your kids want a day at Magic Kingdom/Hollywood Studios and should we meet up tonight for dinner? If you’re off site book an Uber or Lyft if necessary.

What are your children meant to do when your nephew is doing the age-restricted activity, just stand around? Put yourselves first.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 23/03/2024 18:58

I’m 54. Force me to go on THE HELL that is a family holiday and I’m very much like your nephew. The benefit of being 54 however is I am able to get myself to a quiet soothing sanctuary if needs be. Once I’ve shaken off all the on-clingers by insisting yes. I am fine. I need to be alone now. Therefore my behaviour isn’t TOO extreme but believe me, I am probably one wrong word away from a massive, shouty, teary, panicky meltdown.

Your poor nephew doesn’t have that option. So the adults around him need to engineer it for him.

What nobody should be doing is tutting and calling the parents for being shit at parenting. Kids can be a right lottery. It can be a right slap in the smug face of a parent who thinks they’re an expert at it when another child comes along who is the total opposite and calls from them all the patience, understanding, determination and tenacity even a saint would struggle to muster.

Ask any parent with a child who is ND and it is practically guaranteed they have been made to feel like an absolutely shite failure.

Best thing to do would have been never push this young lad so far out of his comfort zone in the first place. Now you’re all there suck it up and ease off and find some positives. There will be some.

Famfirst · 23/03/2024 19:04

alexisccd · 23/03/2024 16:37

I'm struggling to work out why everyone thinks they are at Disney - it just says holiday of a lifetime but not where. I can't think of anything less like holiday of a lifetime than disney tbh

OP honestly, You are being a bit of a martyr - just say you want to spend some time separately. you don't have to be together surely unless you are on a yacht or private island which to be fair would be one of my holidays of a lifetime.

Disney is marketed as the happiest place on earth and Discovery Cove has an age limit and requirement to wear wet suits when swimming with dolphins. It's one of those if you know, you know ones I'm afraid 😄

tulipdoo · 23/03/2024 19:05

Pepsimaxedout · 23/03/2024 15:34

Do you have kids of your own? You should know then that the problem isn't actually DN. It's how he's been parented.

Not necessarily, one of my kids is ND and their behaviour can often be extremely challenging despite the fact we ARE good parents, utilise different strategies, have firm rules and boundaries. It’s just not enough sometimes.

Although personally we wouldn’t do shared family holidays for this reason! It would just never work.

pegpuff · 23/03/2024 19:05

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 23/03/2024 18:58

I’m 54. Force me to go on THE HELL that is a family holiday and I’m very much like your nephew. The benefit of being 54 however is I am able to get myself to a quiet soothing sanctuary if needs be. Once I’ve shaken off all the on-clingers by insisting yes. I am fine. I need to be alone now. Therefore my behaviour isn’t TOO extreme but believe me, I am probably one wrong word away from a massive, shouty, teary, panicky meltdown.

Your poor nephew doesn’t have that option. So the adults around him need to engineer it for him.

What nobody should be doing is tutting and calling the parents for being shit at parenting. Kids can be a right lottery. It can be a right slap in the smug face of a parent who thinks they’re an expert at it when another child comes along who is the total opposite and calls from them all the patience, understanding, determination and tenacity even a saint would struggle to muster.

Ask any parent with a child who is ND and it is practically guaranteed they have been made to feel like an absolutely shite failure.

Best thing to do would have been never push this young lad so far out of his comfort zone in the first place. Now you’re all there suck it up and ease off and find some positives. There will be some.

No. Op and her family does not need to suck it up. At all. That is the child’s parents job.

pegpuff · 23/03/2024 19:09

Famfirst · 23/03/2024 19:04

Disney is marketed as the happiest place on earth and Discovery Cove has an age limit and requirement to wear wet suits when swimming with dolphins. It's one of those if you know, you know ones I'm afraid 😄

Show quote history

Excatly. If @alexisccd has no clue, she is simply clueless. 😄 And missing out, but don’t tell her.

PlipPlopChoo · 23/03/2024 19:11

Do your own thing. Why are you letting it ruin your holiday?

Katbum · 23/03/2024 19:11

First thing is don’t blame DN, Nd or not he is in a situation he finds overwhelming and can’t manage. His parents should be helping him to stay within a threshold where he can remain calm.

Second, just be honest - say you and your own D.C want a day or two to yourselves and go and have fun without DN. If the question of why comes up you can say you and your children are finding being together overwhelming and want some alone time. It’s fine.

LIZS · 23/03/2024 19:12

Focus on ensuring your dc have a good time. Avoid flashpoints such as wetsuits for an activity they can't do anyway. When dn kicks off divert their attention and let his parents deal. Better still agree your dc are "too young/tired" and find an alternative with plans to join up later. Jetlag and sensory overload will be affecting behaviour even if not nd but this is not your problem.

Original poster
Meltdowmahem · 23/03/2024 19:12

I do love my DN very much, he is not an only child but there is a large age gap between siblings.

the holiday was instigated by my family, it’s been a very tough few years and DM wanted us all to have this experience before they got any older.

DM for her part, excuses behaviour, makes it worse sometimes but then there are other times when she is the only one to bring DN round.

DN’s diet is just awful, and I think this contributes to the meltdowns. He is massively overweight too (before lockdown he wasn’t but he put on a massive amount in the last 3/4 years).

there is no dad in the picture, he is a waste of space. DS is a great mum, has a great job and does all the parenting on her own.

we have a day on our own tomorrow so hopefully we’ll have a lovely day.

OP posts:
Nettie1964 · 23/03/2024 19:14

I am ND myself and so are 2 of my children, I just eouldnt let them behave like that. Drink wine go out with out them. Avois

Vinvertebrate · 23/03/2024 19:18

Lots of ND people have “awful” (restrictive) diets including my ND DS, who would tear the villa/hotel to pieces if I inflicted this type of overwhelming holiday on him. Please educate yourself before moaning about his “behaviour”. Separate itineraries definitely the way forward for everyone’s benefit.

hot2trotter · 23/03/2024 19:19

Ditch the spoilt brat and enjoy your holiday seperate to him and his piss poor parents

YouMustBeHappyNow · 23/03/2024 19:23

It's your twins' holiday too. Go off on your own.

Brawcolli · 23/03/2024 19:23

KomodoOhno · 23/03/2024 17:22

This and never do a vacation with them again. Maybe if his parents are stuck dealing with him they will start working gon his behavior.

Show quote history

The child is suspected to be ND, ‘working on his behaviour’ isn’t going to change that fact. The lack of empathy for ND children in this thread is disgusting and depressing.

PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance · 23/03/2024 19:25

Meltdown after Meltdown is ND/ASD/ ADHD.
I'm not a fan of people who are nuerotypical saying they have meltdowns.. it was coined for ND people.. so obviously he has this and he can't help it.
Educate yourself on the condition then maybe you cam help instead if moaning.

Vinvertebrate · 23/03/2024 19:28

The lack of empathy for ND children in this thread is disgusting and depressing

Agree. But not remotely surprising if you’ve spent more than 5 minutes here!

RosesAndHellebores · 23/03/2024 19:31

We went on holiday for four days to centreparks once with sil1 and her three year old. The child's behaviour was atrocious and silent did absolutely nothing to look after him or set any boundaries. It was bloody awful and never, ever again so I feel for you op.

It was about 25 years ago and thank God they live in NZ. My opinion of SIL has never recovered.

With hindsight I suspect SIL maybe neuro-diverse and there have been issues with this child who is now 27 and doesn't work regularly and has few friendships. Not helped by the fact that sil1 is bone idle, has never really worked and her partner is similar but throw in the wacky baccy on top of it.

MuggleMe · 23/03/2024 19:31

It totally over stimulating, no known routine, familiar spaces, familiar food. If he's ND (like he sounds he is) it's totally overwhelming.

Larasbra · 23/03/2024 19:33

Lesson learned. Don’t go on holidays with them.

Polly7122 · 23/03/2024 19:37

Hard one as obviously your DN has behaviour issues and your used to your 2 being on perfect behaviour. Just take a deep breath and count to 10 as you might well cause a family rift. Good luck

iwafs · 23/03/2024 19:37

The child is ND
Out of his environment
One parent absent
struggles with food
too hot

I have to say that I think you need to thank your lucky stars that this isn’t your life.

converseandjeans · 23/03/2024 19:41

I actually feel a bit sorry for him. His Dad isn't around, he's put weight on, he is supposed to squeeze into a wetsuit, he's away from home.

It might work better to have part of each day doing your own thing - for you, your kids but also him. He might be a bit partied out - too much company & stuff going on & it's the only way he can express it?