To think I’m right that she has far more than most?

[jealoysgL]

I know I’m being unfair. I guess my question is how to deal with this in the family environment. Me and DH are in ok jobs and bring in around 50k between us. I know this is a lot of money and we obviously share our home so we have bills halved too etc. We have one dc.

My sister is on 68k AND is given 1k a month from her ex. Her dc is only in nursery three and a half days a week and so the 1k she is paid basically covers this and all her DD’s expenses. Whenever we go out she doesn’t bat an eyelid at buying coffees or lunch, while we will be bringing sandwiches made at home for example.

What is getting to be is that she pleads poverty all the time. My parents always give her ‘a bit extra’ at Xmas or birthdays because she’s on her own… yet we are clearly struggling much more financially! It’s really hit a nerve recently as she’s been saying she has a savings pot for DD’s future and is aiming to reach 30k by the time dd is 3… she’s already 1.5!!!! We have no savings, always stretched yet at family occasions she is always always seen as the poor single parent. I don’t think she even sees how hard it is for me and dh as she just thinks it must be easier. I am finding it so hard not to say anything and know I will be shot down if I do!!! Would you start to explain actually even as a couple we have less?

You're not in 'ok' jobs if you're only earning minimum wage! Which you must be if you're only earning 25k each.

I'm missing the point of the thread, I know, but I get sick of people on here saying they're on a good wage when they're just on the lowest wage that their employer can get away with paying them!

YANBU. Have you told your parents they’re being unfair?

My dad and mum wanted to buy my brother a car recently. Brother lives at home and pays no rent or bills or does any housework.

When my dad mentioned the car I said how unfair it was and that they if they do buy him the car then they can kiss goodbye to me coming over with meals and all the other things I do for them. Which made them back down.

People will tell you it’s your parents money but I don’t accept that children should be treated differently because one child pleads poverty.

Speak to your parents so at least they know that you think they’re being unfair.

Does she realise how poorly paid you and DH are? If you’re both working full time, £50k as a household is barely over minimum wage each - so if you tell family you both have good jobs, she probably assumes you earn a lot more.

Just change the subject when she wants to moan about money. There’s no point getting into a poverty contest. Knowing that you have less isn’t going to make whatever financial struggles she has different, and vice versa. If your parents want to give her money, that’s between them, really. She’s presumably asked for money whilst you haven’t. Why not ask yourself?

We just always hear that she’s a single parent and therefore it’s extremely hard for her. No thought at all for me and DH!!

When you are the only wage earner in a household you can be hyper aware that should something happen to you or your job then you are fucked. Whilst financially she may have more, her situation is more precarious. If one of you loses your jobs then there is still money coming in. She might naturally feel like she is in a more vulnerable position, which means she feels the need to save a little compulsively and build a safety net.

I think you both need to be kinder to each other- she needs to recognise your day to day struggles, you need to recognise the stress of being the only responsible adult and wage earner. (I know she gets support from her ex, but if she was to lose her job he isn’t going to pick up the financial slack- and he might even challenge current custody arrangements?

Has she always been treated differently to you by your parents?

You both have it difficult in different ways op x

Honestly shocked you said that to your parents. There's no way I'd ever determine how my mum spends her money on my siblings or otherwise.

OP just let it wash over you. Being pissed off wont do you any good.

Actually, OP - when your parents give her ‘a bit extra’ at Christmas and birthdays, isn’t that reflecting that they spend out for 3 people in your household (you, DH, DC) but only 2 in her household (DS, DC)? So in their minds they might well be trying to keep things ‘fair’.

They could be lying about their careers and wages. You say you're in good jobs, but pay wise it's on the low side. It could be that your parents are simply going by loudest gets it first. They assume you're better off as there's 2 of you?

They could be awful with money. But frankly ones finances are private ultimately. Your parents included. Roll your eyes if they mention poverty and move the convo swiftly on if it's upsetting.

If you want money from your parents then ask but going at the angle of saying they are wasting it on her and they're being taken advantage of might not go as well as you might hope.

I won't be popular for saying this but your financial situation is not your parents' responsibility. If they choose to give more to your sister then that's up to them. This sibling rivalry over who gets most handouts as grown adults is a little grotesque.

And yet you’re not shocked that parents expect nothing from my brother who lives with them but expect me to provide meals on wheels, drive them about and all the other care they expect, even though I have my own family.

I hate that society expects so much more from women and I’m not shy about speaking up when I see it in my own family.

If your parents gave your brother money to buy a car, you’d be off the hook on driving them places…

That does seem odd Op. Do your parents actually know that she has 68k earnings? Also, how do you know she has 68K earnings?

Sadly not, because he already has a car and doesn’t take them to appointments or anything. He wanted them to buy him a new car.

Ha, fair enough then! Lazy git.

Having it hard doesn't only cover money OP. I earn slightly less then your sil. My ex pays half costs except housing.

But I had ds 350 nights a year. I don't get to go out. I made every decision, did every night, managed every illness, no back up, no break. No easily available babysitter.

It can be relentless and having money in the bank made no difference when my ds was poorly or upset.

What are the "extras" given?

Maybe you are misunderstanding why its hard for her. Maybe the difficulty is in being a sole parent doing everything for her child rather than being part of a partnership dividing running around, general care duties and responsibilities.

Unless you’re only working 20 hours a week, or you’re under 20, £25k a year is a fairly low wage. Can you and DH not do something to increase your earning potential in order to get some savings built up?

Could your parents be giving her a little extra at Christmas because she’s not getting a gift from her partner or in-laws like you probably are?

Yes the bit extra for birthdays or Christmas is presumably to even up family spend or to make her feel special as she doesn't have a partner to spoil her. Its not as though they are giving her a monthly income or paying her mortgage.

Literally every thread these days is about extracting money from parents. And petty jealousy.

Well this month they gave her 1k just randomly to ‘help out.’ So on top of her pay she has 2k in total for this month. I’m not saying it’s easy for her. Just saying she bangs on about financial stress of being a single parent yet doesn’t recognise others in couples are in much worse situations

Ok, go ask your parents for money then. Clearly you think you deserve it.

OK, so they randomly gave her £1K this month, she or they told you about it, you said ‘hey, how come? you haven’t given us anything!’ And your parents said ‘Well, she’s a single parent…’

And then you said…?