To think I’m right that she has far more than most?

[jealoysgL]

I know I’m being unfair. I guess my question is how to deal with this in the family environment. Me and DH are in ok jobs and bring in around 50k between us. I know this is a lot of money and we obviously share our home so we have bills halved too etc. We have one dc.

My sister is on 68k AND is given 1k a month from her ex. Her dc is only in nursery three and a half days a week and so the 1k she is paid basically covers this and all her DD’s expenses. Whenever we go out she doesn’t bat an eyelid at buying coffees or lunch, while we will be bringing sandwiches made at home for example.

What is getting to be is that she pleads poverty all the time. My parents always give her ‘a bit extra’ at Xmas or birthdays because she’s on her own… yet we are clearly struggling much more financially! It’s really hit a nerve recently as she’s been saying she has a savings pot for DD’s future and is aiming to reach 30k by the time dd is 3… she’s already 1.5!!!! We have no savings, always stretched yet at family occasions she is always always seen as the poor single parent. I don’t think she even sees how hard it is for me and dh as she just thinks it must be easier. I am finding it so hard not to say anything and know I will be shot down if I do!!! Would you start to explain actually even as a couple we have less?

We don't know she has nursery fees - she's not said how old her child is. They could be 15 for all we know.

Just because things are tough for others doesnt mean they’re not also tough for her?

I’d redirect the energy to your own life and work on getting to a space where you’re comfortable enough to not pocket watch your single mother sister.

Oh I hate people that do that. You get it here every Christmas.

She got xyz, I only got xy. Grown ass adult 'sooooo unfair' tantrum

For those saying it is no business what your parents give your sibling, I totally disagree. I was brought up with favouritism. That is water under the bridge now, but all their lives, I have tried to treat my children the same both financially and otherwise. Our children are now adults with their own children and we will treat our grandchildren equally. We have told our children long ago, that if ever we don’t treat them the same to let us know.

On those wages, none of you should need supporting from your parents.🙄

NMW is going up in April and will be £22.3k for a 37.5hr wk from then.

Earning a few pence more per hr than NMW isn't a "good wage" and shouldn't be described as such. Doing so legitimises our low wage economy which helps shareholder profits but keeps most people in poverty.

The fact that Universal Credit and other in-work benefits get paid working people who are on NMW or slightly more than NMW is a tacit admission by the government that these are not good wages!

Universal Credit is actually a massive bung to employers, as it enables them to get away with paying ever-shittier wages, with the state picking up the slack.

I suspect OP said 50k is a lot of money in order to preempt posters saying exactly that.
Of course it isn't a lot for two people working.

I imagine so. MN is very good at racing to the bottom.

@kitsuneghost

Oh I hate people that do that. You get it here every Christmas.She got xyz, I only got xy. Grown ass adult 'sooooo unfair' tantrum

Treat your dc fairly and don't treat one like a golden child and the other like a burden or after thought and you won't have that problem then will you.

@kitsuneghost

She is getting 12K a year from her ex to help pay for HIS child
Yes. She sister is getting £68k +12K a year to parent her child. That's £80k a year
OP is getting £50k a year to parent her child/ren

How is that confusing?

My sister gets more than me. Always has. Because she asks.

It’s not fair, but hers & my parents business. I don’t mention it.

Mum & Dad rationalise that they need it more than us as they have top jobs (are therefore busy), have a mortgage & a car, and go on holidays. So they need help with all of that… Obviously.

I'd be willing to bet that if OP had said "we only earn £50k between us, we're not well paid" she'd have loads of replies telling her to count her blessings, that plenty of people manage to live well on much less etc.

No quite. She is on 68k. She isn’t bringing that home. There’s tax and over 50k she will is paying 40% tax.

@jealoysgL do you have kids? If not I think this maybe more that your parents see that they are helping their grandchild out. Helping so your sister can save for their future.

If you do have kids you need to speak to them because it’s really unfair and causing resentment

YANBU, I've given up on being friends with high earners as they are constantly banging on about being poor in one breath and buying an expensive property in the other. They're so dull. How hard is it to enjoy and appreciate what you have?

I don’t think OP has said that they both work full time. People have just assumed that, and therefore that they are both close to minimum wage. It could be one of them is working part time.

Maybe the parents are happy helping the sister because she is doing all she can, whereas the OPs family has the capacity to earn more but chooses not to?

The next time you are at a family event and your sister has a moan about being a poor single parent just say you earn a lot more than me and DH put together and we have more DC to pay for too. Say this within earshot of your parents and look across to them to check they have heard. You could try to get better jobs.

I know this isn't the point of the thread...but I just wondered what she does for a living?! If her child isn't at nursery FT, am I right in assuming that your sister works PT, so is earning 68k as a pro rata amout ?

I think there’s quite alot here left out.

bringing home 68k as a single person, assuming just national insurance and tax taken off (not student loans or BIK etc) isn’t much more than 2 people earning 25k each. I know the sister then gets an extra £1k, but that’s for the child and the sister is saving for her child. The sister is then also paying out childcare.

Op also doesn’t say (where I can see) that they have children. The sister would ideally need a 2 bed. No idea what size house op needs, but assuming they don’t have kids then they could (if we were talking about choices) do with one bedroom. They would also have more opportunity to work towards increasing their income.

The Ops parents, probably, don’t see it as helping one child and not the other. They may see it as supporting their grandchild. If the Op does have children and the parents don’t do the same for them I can see the issue.

But I don’t think it’s as clear cut as I first thought. Because there’s quite a few bits that could change things.

i would also think that £1k for childcare per month (even on 3.5 days) and all childcare expenses seems very cheap. I would have thought it would be more than that tbh.

So that's rather a departure than the OP where you say they give her extra at Christmas and birthdays and rather smacks of reading the thread and changing your story.

Yes and OP and her husband will have 2 lots of nil rate band and potentially no student loan repayments if their £50k is spread equally. So they benefit from that. And the OP said she got £1k this month quite a long time after she said extra at Christmas and birthday. So unsure what the mythical £2k a month is.🤣

She won't pay tax on child maintenance for her child.

Instead of complaining about your life versus hers, why don't you put effort into.improving your life. Assuming you each earn circa 25k you are barely above minimum wage, not in 'ok jobs'. I suggest you take a look at the online calculators and you will see how easy it is for her take home pay to be the same as yours and your husband's combined if she has a student loan. There is significant tax differences between 2 people earning 68k and one person earning 68k alone

I agree. It’s fairly tragic.

@jealoysgL When you quoted the income she gets against you and your husband's income, are those gross income or net income amounts - because there might not be as much difference between you as you seem to think?

If they are gross amounts ( before Tax), your sister will only get ONE tax free allowance - and she will also be on a higher tax rate that either you or your husband. While between you and your DH you are getting TWO lots of Tax Free allowance on your incomes, before either of you are taxed - and you will both be on 20% for your whole income. Not 20% on some and 40% on around £18K of her income.

She also won't likely be receiving Child Benefit because she is a high earner currently, or it will be much less than what you and your DH get.

She will still, very likely get more than you do, but the difference is likely to be several thousand pounds a year less than you think she gets?

Having said that, perhaps you should actually be up front about how difficult things are for you and DH. I would have done if my parents had said they gave her a random £1k 'because she is a single parent'. Did you actually say anything to them?

So if all the people, earning min wage or slightly above, 'improve their lives', 'retrain' and earn more in truly (by MN standards) 'OK jobs' - then who will do the 'NOT ok' ones? Like police, nurses, supermarket workers, binmen, etc? Or we just don't need them, fuck it, let's all retrain, work in IT and live in virtual reality sustaining ourselves on dust and unicorn tears. Because all the super market workers, drivers, farmers, etc will be 'retrained'.