To think I’m right that she has far more than most?

[jealoysgL]

I know I’m being unfair. I guess my question is how to deal with this in the family environment. Me and DH are in ok jobs and bring in around 50k between us. I know this is a lot of money and we obviously share our home so we have bills halved too etc. We have one dc.

My sister is on 68k AND is given 1k a month from her ex. Her dc is only in nursery three and a half days a week and so the 1k she is paid basically covers this and all her DD’s expenses. Whenever we go out she doesn’t bat an eyelid at buying coffees or lunch, while we will be bringing sandwiches made at home for example.

What is getting to be is that she pleads poverty all the time. My parents always give her ‘a bit extra’ at Xmas or birthdays because she’s on her own… yet we are clearly struggling much more financially! It’s really hit a nerve recently as she’s been saying she has a savings pot for DD’s future and is aiming to reach 30k by the time dd is 3… she’s already 1.5!!!! We have no savings, always stretched yet at family occasions she is always always seen as the poor single parent. I don’t think she even sees how hard it is for me and dh as she just thinks it must be easier. I am finding it so hard not to say anything and know I will be shot down if I do!!! Would you start to explain actually even as a couple we have less?

@NoSquirrels nothing because I feel so awkward about it!

@jealoysgL When I read your OP, I thought you'd mistyped and meant you and DH earned £50k EACH and you'd put between you by mistake.
£50k between you is not a good wage, which is how you've described it. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but if you've told your DP and DS that you and DH earn "good wages" then maybe they don't realise how much you're struggling.

Who told you? Parent or sister?

Sister: “Mum & Dad gave me £1K this month to help me out. So generous of them. It’s hard being a single parent.’

You: ‘Wow! I wish they’d give me £1K. You know DH and I earn less than you by loads, actually.’

Or

Parent: ‘I gave your sister £1K this month to help out. It’s hard being a single parent.’

You: Wow! I wish you’d give me £1K! You know DH and I earn less than Sis by loads, actually. We’re struggling at the moment.’

Are you 100% sure that your sisters ex gives her 1k each month? I think it's a tough one tbh. There are many burdens that come with being a single parent money doesn't compensate although it definitely helps.

Can you do some over time perhaps? A second job? I'm a single parent and earn no where near your sister infact less than you as I'm part time and I manage to save £200 each month.

The chances are as you and your husband each have a personal allowance you are probably, as a household, coming out with a higher net pay than she is each month. So, are you actually begrudging her the amount she receives in child maintenance?

She earns a good wage, instead of complaining maybe you or your husband could focus on increasing your own salaries.

Stop the jealousy towards your sister and do something about it. I think that you and your Dh need to aim higher, retrain, get better jobs, look at how you can improve your own finances.

Be pleased for your sister!

Wow! You sound like a spoilt brat! Its absolutely none of your business if your parents wish to buy your db a car!

Do you both work full time?

I was going to make this point.

She will be paying higher rate tax and also won't have child benefit.

You have two personal allowances and only pay basic rate tax, will also get child benefit

I think you would be surprised by the results if you put it into a tax calculator.

Also I doubt the £1k maintenance covers all of her DD's costs, it might cover the nursery element

Another one who clearly can’t read competently. Wow just wow 😱

My parents had no money to give to me or my sibling, so I don't have a horse in that race.

But I have kids who I love very much. The idea that I'd single one of them out to treat and overspend on at the expense of the others is disgusting.

Threads like this always baffle me. Dh and I earn £49k between us, I’m 29 and he’s 32. Live in the south west and we consider this a good income. We’re doing a lot better than most of our friends. I know it’s going to go up a bit soon as minimum wage goes up but it’s not like we’re poor or earning a shit wage

AND is given 1k a month from her ex.

What you actually mean here is that her ex pays for his kid. He doesn't 'give' your sister money.

@pootlin i can read just fine thanks! If you attached " conditions" to the things you do for your parents then maybe you should just not bother doing them at all? I help out my dp all the time, i have no idea what help/money they give or receive from my brother because i don't care and its absolutely none of my business!

Exactly. Extreme envy here. If my sis were a single parent I wouldn't grudge her money. Its an incredibly hard job.

Well have a medal 🥇, because I do care.

I am not you and I don’t care what you do. You have no idea about my life and family so don’t stick your oar in.

@pootlin I am shocked and judgy about your brother actually. He should sort himself out and stop being dependent on your parents BUT that doesn't mean you get to decide how they spend their cash.

No, I don’t get to decide, but I do get to decide if I continue to do the drudgery of driving over with home cooked meals, driving them to appointments, taking them shopping, making time to give them the relentless demands for company and then see them lavish a £20k car on a feckless son merely because of his sex.

Are those figures before or after tax? On 68k she will be paying a lot of tax. Your monthly take homes per household may not be that different, especially as the money from her ex is going on nursery fees so might as well be discounted from the equation.

Where I am £1k per month wouldn’t cover three days a week at nursery, let alone all of a child’s expenses.

I suspect she includes savings for her DD as part of her outgoing expenses and as a result her disposable income is less than you feel it should be.

I’d be pleased for your sister that she has a good life financially as a single parent. She has managed to break out of being the stereotypical single mum that the media portrays as the scum of the earth and has done well for herself. Be pleased for her

your parents probably recognise that life in general is tougher for her raising a kid alone, compared to you in a (assumption) happy secure relationship (which is true). They probably get pleasure from helping out their granddaughter by giving their mum some extra cash here and there. There is probably also a sense of guilt from the grandparents that the child is growing up in a lone household and therefore they are overcompensating by giving financial gifts.

I totally get it OP. My younger sister used to do this in her 20s, she lived this really lavish lifestyle, eating out 5 nights a week and takeaways on the other nights, taxis from one place to the next cos she couldn't be bothered walking or getting a bus etc. She then would say she was 'broke' and my parents were supplementing her income saying it was fine for me because I had a house but she was renting. Completely illogical, I had to save for years to get my house deposit then had a mortgage anyways which is why I didn't spend stupid money like she does.

I think OP the money is on some level compensation for her managing everything on her own. Maybe she looks at your life and sees you dividing duties and childminding with DH and feels really envious. Maybe the money is to help with babysitters so she can have some sort of social life but she choses to save it? I'd say there is little you can do, maybe mention your salary to your sister to stop her going on about it though, thats realliy annoying

So imagine what it’s like being a single parent on a low income-that’s the reality for many women. Earning well cushions your problems significantly.

@thaegumathteth

Honestly shocked you said that to your parents. There's no way I'd ever determine how my mum spends her money on my siblings or otherwise.
Why are you shocked.

Parents are fully entitled to spend their money as they like. If they choose to favour one dc that is completely their right.

Offspring and fully entitled to engage with or reduce contact with their parents in the basis of how they are treated. If they feel they are being treated poorly it is completely within their rights to go LC

One could just say nothing and then LC or they could do as the poster did and explain the situation and how is is perceived by them and why they feel it is unfair and how they will modify their relationship if this is how the parents are planning to treat them.

Everyone has the agency to communicate and the set their boundaries.

OP id just start making comments on how much harder it is on £50k for you as a family of 3?/4?
And as ds is on £70k with the top ups for a family of 2? It must be so much easier.

Oh how you wish you could afford the things she does.

Speak up ffs