To ask what you are doing to raise good men?

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

I have 2 sons, 7 and 4.

I read so many posts on here involving men who are useless, misogynistic, abusive etc. I am thankful my husband is NOT like this, but I have been thinking a lot about what steps I can take to ensure I raise kind, respectful and safe men. I would be so ashamed of one of my sons ended up treating a woman poorly.

Obviously an advantage is having their Dad as a positive male role model.

Other things I have been doing are teaching them to clean up after themselves (clearing dishes, picking up dirty clothes, wiping up wee splatters). But is there more I could and should be doing?

I have a 7yo son and I think it’s sad people are amazed by his manners. He opens the door for me, lets me go first, takes the rubbish down without asking. We teach him to be kind and have manners first. So many mothers say that I’m being too much insisting on manners, but our main compliment from people who meet him is that he is very kind. I pushed for manners since he was young. It is the one thing we have been firm on.

My son reads mumsnet threads with me. He gets a very very clear idea of what is and is not acceptable from that. We do all the other good real life stuff too, but I think the clarity of expression on mumsnet is actually extremely helpful.

Raising my son in the exact same way as my daughter. All children should be raised with values and good manners.

I think keep talking, especially through teenage years and when they’ll be subjected to being exposed to porn far too early, no matter how much you control their phones and internet.
my understanding is young boys will just keep showing each other awful porn and killing videos, from a young age, my son said looking back it was really quite young and horrific stuff. He’s takes about how it desentised him, and we talked lots about how untrue porn was and how you can’t ever not see something.

Mine are 7&10. They know about bodily autonomy. They’ll learn about consent when age appropriate. They use proper names for body parts - male and female. They understand there are no such things as boys and girls colours, toys etc etc. They’re being taught to respect women and not see them as there to service them.

Just as above. Raising children to have good manners, kindness and empathy for others.

Then when they're older (teenagers) having honest discussions about sex, consent, sex/race/etc inequality and so on. I guess that instilling good values in children will ensure they turn out to be "good men" when they're grown. I think that if children are around people with less than good values, they may come to value less than good qualities themselves, so maybe be careful who your kids spend time with too.

The teaching of manners, empathy definitely stays with you.i didn't need telling as a kid to give my seat to an elderly person etc.i knew if I didn't I'd be bang in trouble 70s kid.

DS6 is already the absolute sweetest and very helpful and generous (will ask me if I want a drink if he goes to get one, for example). I try to teach him that we all help and share equally. A big one now he's going to school is that there's nothing wrong with pink or 'girly things' and that anyone can do/wear/play anything.

Being able to say Sorry when you have got things wrong.

Our ds is 4.

Never using the excuse "boys will be boys" any bad behaviour is pulled up on and never excused.

Always praising good behaviour and drilling it in that we are kind and gentle to others- no excuses.

Not encouraging and making a big deal of gender norms, if he wants to play with barbies that's up to him.

Making his home an emotionally safe space, he knows he can come and talk to us about anything that's bothering or upsetting him and we never make him feel silly or like he's overreacting for feeling a certain way.

Never telling them "that's for girls." Not allowing them to use "girl" as an insult for a boy and explaining why.

Teaching them that it's only fun if everyone is enjoying themselves. That no means no straight away, as soon as the person says it. And even if they don't say it, you can see/ask whether someone is happy or not.

Teaching them how to clean and cook.

The list is endless, and it applies to daughters too.

If they have a good dad that’s the most important thing. They are lucky

Porn is the biggest damager of men. Look at culture reframed ( Gail Dines) for how to have conversations on that.

Thank you for asking a question, as I'm looking for these answers myself. My little one just turned 2. He is already helping me out with stuff and he sees when something was wrong. I believe in 'the way the boy is treating his mother, that's how he will treat his wife' so I'm teaching him to be gentle. He's already saying thank you and I'm sorry, I'm teaching him to be patient and I do discipline him when needed too. Somebody will say he's only 2 and can't understand. But it starts when they are little. As well instead of screen time I spend quality time with him, so he's learning from me, not from the screen.

I get really cross when women on here blame other women (mothers) for their useless men.

I have come to the conclusion that it's just inherent. My young adult sons have been raised to clear up after themselves and contribute to chores from a very young age. They started stripping their beds at 5yo and ive never done it since. Theybhad bathroom clwaning lessons at 10yo and have done it regularly ever since. They've also been taught about respect and consent and equality.

Still, in a group of young men, their language and conduct will not be what you'd hope, although they're fine 121 and treat their girlfriends well. Except, they they very easily fall into a pattern of letting their GFs do everything, from the cleaning to the organising, if they have one who tends towards that role and they do, they seem to want to "look after" their BFs.

Ultimately, women do seem to care more about that stuff. If a man doesn't care that the bed hasn't been changed, why would be change it?

My ds has always done chores around the house. They were linked to pocket money at one time but now he just does things that need doing without being asked.

I treat him with kindness and consideration and he does the same for me. This is an expectation I've never wavered from. It used to be taught but now it's intrinsic. If he gets home before me, he makes dinner.

We talk a lot. When he was younger and still learning, there were times he did or said something thoughtless or misogynistic but they never went unchallenged. We still have good debates now.

I never pushed him at school or even reminded him about homework. He was taught to self-motivate and see the natural consequences of his actions whether they were positive or negative.

Ultimately, it's not under 12s that are the problem.

Once these boys hit puberty, they find porn, they realise they are inherently different to girls and everything changes..

You need proper internet security that bans pornography but shock, the adult males don't want that, so boys can continue on their ways.

DT’s b/g were raised the same. Your DC’s have two parents - it’s both parents responsibility not just the mothers. Is he an equal parent or does most of the parenting and home responsibilities rest with you - children notice this.

It's not just a woman's job to do this. My 16 y.o DS is a kind and thoughtful young man. He goes to school, he works but most importantly he has a kind and thoughtful dad who has shown him what good looks like. It's a bit corny but if you can't see it you can't be it.

When arguing with each other I always explain it they’re hurting or snatching etc that if someone says no or they don’t like it then we don’t do it.

Last night, I let DS1 6 play phonics games on his tablet as a treat before the weekend and then he had a massive argument with DS2 4 as DS4 wanted to use one end of the sofa for his game. I then took the tablet away and we had no tv and I told DS1 he could have thought ‘I’ve got my tablet so I’m lucky, I’ll move over so my brother can use this part of the sofa’.

I really think it’s just having consistent, clear boundaries and consequences.

Oh and DS1 said something about kings and I said I could be the king and he told me I couldn’t and I asked why not and I could see he couldn’t figure out more than kings are boys and I told him it’s just a word and I’d make a really good king.

Making sure I'm not a martyr so he doesn't think women's needs come second

Oh and DS1 said something about kings and I said I could be the king and he told me I couldn’t and I asked why not and I could see he couldn’t figure out more than kings are boys and I told him it’s just a word and I’d make a really good king

That's just daft. Your DS was correct. You wouldn't be a 'king', linguistically. Of course you could still be ruling monarch as a Queen, and haven't you a clear example of that for many years?

Do we ask mums of girls what they are doing to raise good women? 🤔

Surely we should all be aiming to raise our kids to be good people?

My ds is about to turn 16. I actually think that what has benefitted him most in terms of hopefully turning out to be a good man has been having an older, confident, gender-non-conforming sister who's kind of his best friend. It would be hard to live with my daughter and have a stereotypical view of what girls and women are like or how they should be treated. She's been a huge influence on him. We have treated them the same and expected the same from them.

Well my DS is only 1 but I think part of it is not just relaxing on your laurels and saying how wonderful your teen boy is and job done, because you’ve never heard them say anything sexist and they remember Mothers Day.

How teen boys treat and act in front of their mums, and how they treat girls in private, are two VERY separate things in my experience. I’ve been treated very badly by boys whose mums would say they’re lovely, considerate young men.

I see it as an ongoing job I have. My son and his sister will both have the same chores, and if I spot any sexism toward her, me or anybody else I will do my best to stamp that out. I plan on teaching him to cook, clean and generally look after himself so he doesn’t consciously or subconsciously rely on a woman to do it for him. I plan to chat to both my kids about feminism, equality and issues around this on a fairly regular basis.

And yes I will have incredibly tight rules around screen use as I believe pornography is part of the issue.

I think this is the thing, while taking in turns to clear the table I tried to never let it be me and my daughter clearing or serving the boys and husband at the same time. I tried to always get husband to do it with her and I'd do it with the boys.