To ask what you are doing to raise good men?

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

I have 2 sons, 7 and 4.

I read so many posts on here involving men who are useless, misogynistic, abusive etc. I am thankful my husband is NOT like this, but I have been thinking a lot about what steps I can take to ensure I raise kind, respectful and safe men. I would be so ashamed of one of my sons ended up treating a woman poorly.

Obviously an advantage is having their Dad as a positive male role model.

Other things I have been doing are teaching them to clean up after themselves (clearing dishes, picking up dirty clothes, wiping up wee splatters). But is there more I could and should be doing?

Ensuring their father is an influence in their lives as far as possible.

Teaching self awareness, politeness, kindness and to be as self sufficient as possible and not expect me to wait hand and foot on him all the time! (He's 9)

I agree. As a mother of both a DD and DS I often see boys behaviour and dominance been accepted as, "boys will be boys" attitude. Often behaviour that is never tolerated with girls

I think a lot of it’s in the dad too. FIL can be a pain but he cooks, cleans and does a lot do housework. so dh and his brothers are exactly the same. Very stable background and given a lot of love as kids. It’s making that behaviour normal.

And yeah puberty sucks. Haha those chats and get them through it.

What a great thread. I try to make mine accountable. And honest.

This is it and I think it’s really hard if you have a bad partner because even if the son hates him, that’s his normal. Therapy can help with that.

I only have sons, they're all late teens/early 20s now. They're also very tall, the tallest being 6' 7''. One of the things I've instilled in them is about walking near women, especially when it's dark or quiet. I've told them to not walk close, or cross the road so they're not looking like they're trying to catch up to her, and to just say "just passing you" if they to get by.

Ive never had the boys will be boys mantra. They clean up after themselves, they're able to cook and they do their own laundry. We have discussions about women's rights, relevant news stories and give them a woman's perspective so they understand we are equal.

They're decent young men.

The greatest gift I think we gave DT’s was to see non sexist roles in the home. DH took them to buy school shoes, packed for holidays when I was taking the car for an oil change and adjusting a cupboard door not hanging properly.
Regardless of being a boy or girl, they had to empty the bins, change their beds, put away the food shopping and cook meals.

Talking and listening and letting them grow into themselves with support and trust. Helping them find skills and interests boosts esteem and leaves them less vulnerable to toxicity. Home values count for such a lot and do transfer in the main.

My son is 5 and I've been really surprised by the things we've encountered at nursery and schools so far by parents of girls.

In nursery, a 3 year old girl said she loved him and wanted to get married. A member of nursery staff actually did a fake wedding for them. I was fucking furious when I picked him up that day. I later saw the girl's parents and it turns out they'd played along with it all.

In reception, last month, he was invited to a birthday party and was the only boy (fine) but it turned out the girl had invited him as her 'boyfriend'. Again, parents aware of this and thinking it was cute.

I am doing my best to counter all this but, to be honest, it quite hard to make him see girls as friends when all this weirdness is going on.

@wutheringkites

Don't worry. I agree with you, it's ridiculous. But all 3 of mine (1 DD, 2 DS) have had these type of situations.

It's just a stage, means nothing, and they move past it fairly quickly. It has no impact on how they are as teens or in adulthood.

Working in a primary school where many of the dads of boys in my class prefer not to speak to me directly, deferring instead to male head or deputy head teacher or male office manager, I'm paired with a male TA and between us in the classroom, we model, day in and out, what a professional relationship based on mutual respect and equality looks like. Male TA is cool AF and looked up to immensely by the boys, so he makes a point of being explicit about taking instruction and direction from female colleagues as well as modelling 'softer' skills and behaviours such as bringing drinks around, asking for help with things, doing first aid, organising lost property etc.
Our curriculum holds many opportunities for learning about social justice, diversity and inclusion, which is directly relevant to many of our students' lives, so we include examples of sex inequality too, which, when put in the context of wider injustice and marginalisation, makes perfect sense to our cohort.

My son's father died when he was six. He doesn't really have a male role model. It has been a struggle particularly in the teen years where they copy their peers.
But generally, my son has always been respectful of others, can cook, iron and clean for himself. He teases me sometimes about 'woman's work' but I think that's just to get a rise from me (he's 20). He works very hard and is trying to make his way in the world. People make assumptions about young men which doesn't help.

We do this too. At least 50-50 in terms of household jobs but also I’ve been ensuring DH does an equal amount of house/life admin as me so things like booking kid’s appointments, organizing kids activities and sports clubs, thinking of Xmas and birthday gifts, buying and wrapping, planning holidays etc. I don’t want my DC growing up thinking that only women out thought into those types of things and carrying all the mental load.

Threads like this and people still wonder why some women are disappointed to be having a son rather than a daughter

@EarringsandLipstick

That's reassuring! He's currently at the stage of thinking that women are cool but girls his own age are a bit silly.

Something that made me sad was seeing a poster in the classroom about what the reception kids said what was special about their classmates. Everything about my son from the girls was about how he looked.

It sounds like what you are doing now is good.

The danger is when they reach the teenage years and puberty and porn hit them. I think this is the age that boys are often proving themself to other boys and sometimes they denigrate girls to raise themselves up.

I think the best thing you can do is realise that our children (including girls) often try to only show their best side to their parents. So always keep an open mind that they may be bending the truth at times.

It’s pretty normal I think for teenagers to compartmentalise their lives at this time and when older. They know the behaviour their parents expect, but they also know how to interact with their peers to fit in. This applies to girls just as much. (Though there’s usually less porn involved!)

Why?

I was happy to have one of each, but they have different challenges in the world.

Unrelated, I do think it is important to acknowledge though that good people come from terrible upbringings and people from good upbringings still go on and do terrible things. Children grow up to be independent human beings and at some point need to take responsibility for their own actions. I do agree with the ‘why is this seen as the mother’s responsibility’ comments when obviously a lot of the influences on people of all ages and whether male or female come from outside the home. And homes come in all shapes and sizes so there is not one ‘right’ way. We just do our best and hope our children will be happy and successful, I guess.

Agreed. It’s depressing and totally feeds into (and reinforces) gender stereotypes.

Empathy is a massive one. A lot of things could be better if more men had empathy.
Playing games with dolls, animals, talking about feelings. Receiving empathy. Reading!!!!!

Oh I have to say that as a widow I just love all the comments about the need for a good Father to raise a good son.

I guess I will just tell my son to quit while he is ahead using that logic. He is actually extremely polite and thoughtful, much more so than his older sister. I suppose that’s just a glitch though.

Because you look at the men out there and it’s scary. I read something recently about would you rather meet a lone man or bear in the woods? Most womennsaid bear.

Absolutely not op!! It’s just easier. I’m sure you’re doing a bloody fantastic job! I’m so sorry for your loss.

Encourage them to share how they’re feeling and learn to communicate how they feel to others in healthy ways- there are lots of books you can read to them which help with this. This prevents a lot of bad behaviour and helps them to know that they don’t have to buy into toxic male stereotypes. Never make them feel shame for crying or being vulnerable and let them know it’s absolutely okay to ask for help. This really helps to avoid a lot of issues caused later in life which are fuelled by anger, frustration and hurt.

Ensuring a good father is in their lives. Watching their mums have self respect and leave bad men is very important.