To ask what you are doing to raise good men?

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

I have 2 sons, 7 and 4.

I read so many posts on here involving men who are useless, misogynistic, abusive etc. I am thankful my husband is NOT like this, but I have been thinking a lot about what steps I can take to ensure I raise kind, respectful and safe men. I would be so ashamed of one of my sons ended up treating a woman poorly.

Obviously an advantage is having their Dad as a positive male role model.

Other things I have been doing are teaching them to clean up after themselves (clearing dishes, picking up dirty clothes, wiping up wee splatters). But is there more I could and should be doing?

Manners are very important op. Keep it up. I work with primary children you notice the chn with good manners, those who don’t snatch, push and grab or force their way past you in a doorway.

The point about peer group is important, I think. What I have noticed with both DC as they have moved from primary to secondary is that their friendship groups have changed with their interests. DS has a much wider friendship group than at primary and I think that has allowed him to move away from boys with views and interests he doesn’t really share anymore.

Thank you so much for this, joining the tween course now for my 12 year old DS. I agree porn is such a horrifically damaging part of culture for men.

I would say good ways to help boys grow up are to make sure he sees equality in the home as much as possible. I’ve also found scouts (or beavers/cubs when younger) has helped my DS a lot, there are girls there and female leaders as well as male and they do all sorts including cooking, he has learned to change bed sheets, iron and all sorts. I guess it depends what your local branch is like but it has been positive for ds.

I work with children and families and have noticed a massive increase in parents excusing, minimising and deflecting when it comes to their child's behaviour over the last few years. This creates a sense of entitlement and a belief that the rules do not apply to them. IME young men who have been raised this way often feel justified in ignoring the boundaries and feelings of others, and refuse to to take responsibility for their behaviour. This has massive implications for their relationships.

My DS is still young, he has Autism and ADHD but we are very clear with him that this does not mean freedom from consequences. We will always fight to get him the support he needs, but his SEN will not be accepted as an excuse for unkindness or behaviour that impacts on others. Accountability is hugely important and one of the most important things parents can instill in boys and young men IMO.

My son is 40 and a wonderful man. He has a lovely partner too.
I'd say the most important thing is unconditional love, secondly not letting them game all day and all night.
Once they start that its the beginning of the end. They can have other hobbies and outdoor exercise instead.
They have to partake in chores from a young age and understand that the household can only run smoothly if everyone pitches in.
A good work ethic is also essential. The parents or in my case parent must demonstrate that.
He's a professional artist now and doing well.

I think the same, why differentiate?

My son (7) has a good dad/grandads/uncles and ultimately I think this is more important than anything else. (I don't mean to offend single mums whose children don't have that, I know it can't always be possible and the children can still grow up to be good people.)

However the men in my child's life cuddle him when he's crying and tell him they love him, teaching him emotions are ok and not shameful, and all respect thier wives/girlfriends/sisters/mums etc.. and he's absorbing all of that throughout his everyday life. He'd be an extreme anomaly in his family if he grew up to be abusive or misogynistic.

I am actively trying to teach him to clean up after himself but that's not a gender thing for me. I just believe that being clean and tidy is a lot to do with upbringing.

Going off topic a bit here, my MIL use to encourage my ds's to chase birds, I remember walking through the Town centre with her, she grabbed their hands and ran at a load of pigeons. I was mortified. They know not to do it now. Just why.

The stuff I read on here about men is so far away from my own experience of them and definitely not the norm IME. We raised our sons the same way we were raised. I would have raised girls the same way. My boys are in their late tens now and are both hard working, respectful, well liked, have lovely girlfriends and are great fun!

Your DS wasn't wrong, though. Kings are boys, aren't they? That isn't to say that a Queen cannot be as powerful as a King, just that the word for a male monarch is a King.

@Alwaystired23 I hate seeing kids chase birds.

He saw the way his Father treated me, that’s the main things. You can say what you like but there is learnt behaviour. They see men treating women badly it’s really terrible. Many young men do not have good male role models, it’s a massive issue.

He had to help with chores and I taught him how to cook. He also went to air cadets and met girls his age who did just what he did. I haven’t been involved with his washing or cleaning his room since he went to secondary school. Because of cadets he can iron and polish shoes better than I ever could.

I also told him at age 13 how scared some women are of men. It was because walking home one evening from football a woman had crossed the road and looked scared as she walked towards him. It was getting dark and he is a really tall lad he was probably about 6ft 2 then. I explained about male violence at that point and the fear women live with.

I raised my two sons in the days before this new pressure was placed on mums. Before the stamping out of misogyny and the responsibility for the behaviour of adult males was laid at our door, so in honesty I didn't consciously do anything, other than create a household where the values I believed in were embedded. I've always challenged them on sexism, in an age appropriate and open way that sparked discussion. We are great talkers in our house and will happily discuss and debate a wide range of issues, so that helped.

I think my adult sons are decent men, but I think part of that is down to their inate character and their responses to their environment.

Realistically, once your boys enter the world, your influence on them will decline year by year, replaced by that of their peers and the media. So obviously be vigilant about what they're watching and the attitudes of those they mix with as best you can. I'd also foster their independence of thought so they have some confidence not to follow the herd.

Because men and women have different pressures and men have historically been privileged by society in a way women have not; it’s not sexist to recognise this.

For me a key thing is saying ‘no’ to them and teaching them young how to deal with their feelings on hearing that. Also trying to teach and demonstrate the need and skills necessary to reflect on their own actions. Religion has had a pernicious effect on society in many ways, but what we’ve lost I think is the self reflection aspects that are needed for someone to be ‘good’ and improve as a moral person. I want both son and daughters to ask themselves if they did the right thing, what their motivations were, was the outcome positive or otherwise for themselves and others. Is this who they want to be?

I'd love to know. 2 DS, totally different people. 1 I worry about.

Good thread idea t theme 👌

It’s also important but hard I think to balance the kid knowing they have your unconditional love always and developing healthy self esteem with a genuine understanding that they are not the centre of the universe and that other people matter too - and, in many cases are more important ( other than to the parents!). I faced criticism in the past for reining in my kids noise and exuberance in a public place where they were disturbing others. It’s a balancing act.

My DS is 5, and I try to model actively seeking consent but my asking if I can dry his penis, testicles and bum after the bath

(I’m aware I should be making him dry himself soon 😂)

What was their dad like?

I do tend to strongly agree with the above. I did know a couple of families growing up who had boys and girls where the girls had chores and the boys got to swan about doing nothing, so obviously that won’t help.

But I think solid male role models throughout childhood and teen years is the most important. My son doesn’t want to be me when he grows up, he loves me, but he wants to be his dad, his fun uncle or his cool, sporty headteacher. The men your sons look up to need to be brilliant at modelling behaviour for them.

Mine is young so there’s plenty to come but I concentrate on

• manners
• kindness and empathy
• doing chores, and seeing his dad doing chores
• ensuring he knows that feelings of sadness and upset are valid for him and don’t need to be suppressed
• positive management of any anger and frustration

As the mother of girls the thing that most strikes me about some of the parenting of boys that I witness is the way they are allowed to take up space and dominate. Whether its the assumption that 3/4 of a garden will be given over to a few boys who want to kick a football about, or allowing boys to hog a computer game, I very rarely see parents actively intervening, beyond the odd plea to let the girls 'have a turn'.

This is really interesting

I also think it’s important to actively raise daughters with good behaviour modelling. They shouldn’t see the women in their life treated like doormats, doing all the housework, doing all the childcare etc. And if a woman does take on that more traditional role, daughters should see their dad giving their mum utmost respect and gratitude.

My son is quite young but has good role models of a dad who cooks and does all the school pick ups but I'm preparing myself to tackle the issue of porn pretty early to protect him and to do my best to be aware of mental health and the specific pressures of male friendship groups. I think you do have to recognise that they are boys and that comes with specific things just as a daughter needs to be recognised as specific social pressures on being a girl. I don't think you can bring them up exactly the same in these areas as society doesn't treat them the same on it.

Actually it has been my DH who has set the best example to my DS. He has always shared the household jobs. I am the higher earner and DH has always been fine with this and for a short while was a SAHP so I could increase my hours at work.
He has always demonstrated to DS that we are an equal partnership.

However, I have come to the conclusion that the men in my life require lists. So I now leave a list of jobs that need doing while I’m working, and they are now always done. DH had a strike recently which has affected his planning so needs lists. DS is a teenager. Although in the last month DS has spontaneously picked up stuff left in the bottom of the stairs and taken it upstairs and when taking a t shirt out of the dryer, emptied the dryer into the laundry basket and took it upstairs. I was gobsmacked.