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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

313 replies

Exegete · 22/03/2024 23:39

DD7 goes to school with a little boy with a disability (he has difficulties walking and doesn’t talk). They’ve been in the same class since reception and DD has always been occasionally complaining about him hitting her. Never anything serious, but she would often mention (usually without looking distressed) that he had grabbed her glasses off her face, pushed her in the line or slapped her. They were good friends and would often play together but he would sometimes suddenly get angry without any warnings. He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite. I saw him recently on a school outing, one minute he’s all smiles and giggles, the next minute out of the blue he grabs a child and pushes him to the floor. I explained to DD that he doesn’t mean to hurt her and that he gets overwhelmed when frustrated and she can tell him to stop or walk away when he’s aggressive. I thought it would get better as he grew up. Well the boy is now turning 8, he’s bigger and stronger and it got worse.

Today the boy’s mum tells me she’s organising a little birthday party for him (a play date and cake with a few friends at their home). She asked if DD was free, I (stupidly) said she was, thanked her for the invitation and I would get back to her. So I didn’t really say yes she’ll come, but I also said we had nothing planned that day.
I thought DD would be happy to go (she did go to his birthday last year and had a good time). Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.
So now what do I tell the boy’s mum? I don’t know her well at all, I feel for her, I’m sad my DD and her son are not friends anymore, but I also won’t force DD to go if she’s scared of him. So my idea is that I need to put on my big girl’s pants and tell the mum the truth. As gently as possible. That I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).
Then my husband tells me being honest is cruel and selfish, that a little lie (“sorry we have other plans”) would spare their feelings. But I’m shit at lying, and also I already said we were free that day so she’ll know and I’ll hurt her feelings even more…
Yanbu: tell the truth (how?)
Yabu: tell a white lie

OP posts:
anyolddinosaur · 23/03/2024 08:58

I'd have told the truth.

Dont teach your daughter to accept abuse. Dont let the school continue to do nothing about the other child. If his behaviour cant be modified then he needs to be in a different school with higher levels of supervision.

DriftingDora · 23/03/2024 08:58

WhateverMate · 22/03/2024 23:56

I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).

Word it exactly like that.

If he's pushing and shoving other kids too, I'd be astounded if his parents don't already know.

I agree. I would certainly tell the mother this - no, it's not pleasant but as said above I would be amazed if the child's parents don't already know. And if this has been going on for some time I'm astounded that the school apparently aren't doing much about it - totally unacceptable for another child to be hit, pushed into railings or pushed to the ground, this is an accident waiting to happen and sooner or later a child will be injured.

I think you have to take this up very firmly with the school as well - and ask what they intend to do about it. I would document in writing any conversations you have with them, too.

DarkDarkNight · 23/03/2024 08:58

I would get back to her and say you’re sorry but you’ve asked your daughter and she doesn’t want to go and leave it at that. That leaves the space for the mum to ask why, but leave it if she doesn’t want to have the conversation. She’s probably aware of her son’s behaviour at school and capable of adding 2 and 2 together.

NeedToChangeName · 23/03/2024 08:58

Mumtobabyhavoc · 23/03/2024 06:10

I think I'd gently tell the truth:
Mary, I mentioned the party to dd and she immediately got upset. She says xxx is always hitting and pushing her at school and she feels nothing can be done about it. I think we better take a rain check. I'm so sorry, but I have to respect dd and help her sort this out.

This is kind and empathetic

You could add that you hope they'll be friends again in future, if it's true

YouMustBeHappyNow · 23/03/2024 08:59

WhateverMate · 22/03/2024 23:56

I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).

Word it exactly like that.

If he's pushing and shoving other kids too, I'd be astounded if his parents don't already know.

This.

FrenchandSaunders · 23/03/2024 09:02

Def don’t make her go and I would tell the mum why as gently as possible. Difficult for her but she needs to know.

My DD had a lot of problems at primary school with a friend who had learning difficulties and could get aggressive. I look back now and feel that I didn’t advocate for Dd enough at the time as it was always about the other child due to her needs.

Pinkdelight3 · 23/03/2024 09:03

I explained to DD that he doesn’t mean to hurt her and that he gets overwhelmed when frustrated and she can tell him to stop or walk away when he’s aggressive. I thought it would get better as he grew up. Well the boy is now turning 8, he’s bigger and stronger and it got worse.

This is awful. I understand how you've tied yourself in this knot, but you must see - you're teaching your DD, at a really fundamental impressionable age - that men can be violent to her and they don't mean it, to feel sorry for them, and the onus is on her to make him stop. This really needs addressing properly. Whatever the boy's problems, they are not hers to suffer and endure. Thank god she had the strength (albeit fear) to say no to going to the party. It sounds like you'd have merrily taken her along while knowing about all his aggression and that nothing was being done about it. Of course you can be kind as well as honest and stop pretending everything's okay with this situation.

ZebraD · 23/03/2024 09:03

I don’t think you need to lie. I think you could say that you are really sorry but there was an incident at school that has left your daughter feeling really sad and doesn’t want to be friends with him for the moment. You can add that it’s really sad and hopefully they will sort it out. See if she questions the incident, at which point you can explain.
however, I don’t think you should be telling your daughter that he can’t help it and the school should be implementing some coping mechanisms for the boy. What happens when he is a teenager and gets mad?! Crazy!

fleurneige · 23/03/2024 09:05

If I was his mum, I would like people to be honest and tell me. Nicely, calmly, with empathy- but I'd want, I'd need, to know. So you need to find the courage to ask her for coffee, and tell her. In the nicest possible of ways.

Westsussex · 23/03/2024 09:06

You definitely need to tell the mother, and the way you've worded it is perfect.

The school should probably also be advised, as they'll need to monitor the situation in class.

Hitting is dangerous, and ultimately, no matter how hurtful it could be, we can't all just burry our heads in the sand to protect peoples feelings. Children come first.

You've done well to think about telling her, your husband is wrong. Xx

TheFancyPoet · 23/03/2024 09:07

Schools are very cowardly these days. They are keeping kids in who are a genuine danger to others. Disability is not excuse to physically assault other children

Snugglemonkey · 23/03/2024 09:09

LAMPS1 · 23/03/2024 04:48

OP, please don’t make up an excuse. The mum needs to know that the school aren’t managing her child’s needs properly and that her son is becoming isolated from his peers because of that.

Tell the mum the truth. Yes it will be hard for her to hear but shouldn’t be glossed over, now you know about it, as that helps neither child.

You can do it in a kind and gentle way. it is a shared problem that you both need help from the school to solve.

Tell her that you were very surprised by your DD’s reaction when you mentioned the party in that she was adamant that she was fed up of being hurt and pushed about by him and didn’t want to expose herself to any more of it than necessary at school, so wouldn’t be going to his party. Tell her how upset you were to hear her say that, not only for your own DD, but also for her son, because it seems she has become a target for him to take out his frustrations on and obviously that isn’t being monitored, which neither of you can allow to continue.
Ask her to have a word with the teacher, about her son’s growing isolation from his friends because of this issue and tell her you will be doing the same so that you can both find out how it will be managed properly going forward. Tell her you feel for her in this situation but you are sure she understands that you too, must advocate for your own child.
Finally, tell her that as your DD is upset about it all, you have made other fun day trip arrangements for her in lieu of the party.

Then talk to the class teacher urgently about this and tell her what has happened. Insist that a new and much more effective strategy is put in place to safeguard your DD from this little boy as it has become a growing daily occurrence which is now seriously impacting her health and well-being. Tell the teacher that you have asked your DD to alert the teacher or TA to every incident where this little boy slaps, pushes or is otherwise bullying her and that you insist that all such incidents are recorded properly as you will be doing the same at home to help monitor the situation. Arrange a follow up meeting date to show how serious you are about this being managed properly. When you get home, make a record of what was said and date it.

This. I do not think that lying is helpful for anyone in this instance.

Jennalong · 23/03/2024 09:09

" I told ( dd name ) it's ( the boy ) birthday , she says she won't be going because she has been hitting her more than usual lately , and sorry to say it's hurt her feelings enough to refuse to go "
I hope he has a lovely day .

PooSniffer · 23/03/2024 09:10

“Sorry, can’t make it to the party as DD is fed up of being assaulted”

AuntMarch · 23/03/2024 09:11

TheFancyPoet · 23/03/2024 09:07

Schools are very cowardly these days. They are keeping kids in who are a genuine danger to others. Disability is not excuse to physically assault other children

Please tell me what schools are not doing that they should, and actually can with the resources they have?

malificent7 · 23/03/2024 09:11

I would totally say this in the context of the party. Disability or not...this is totally unacceptable behaviour and is loosing him friends. More importantly, your dd could get seriously hurt and the mum needs to know the truth so she can get help....and your dd comes first and needs help too.

takemeawayagain · 23/03/2024 09:14

Stop telling the parents about things that happen at school. They cannot control what goes on at school. You need to be speaking the the teacher about what is happening and making sure things are put in place to prevent it happening again and again.

It is ludicrous that it's got to the point that your poor dd thinks nothing can be done. The solution is very simple - the boy cannot cope with lining up time and hurts other children so when he arrives he goes straight to the nice quiet classroom with the teacher/TA. It's so easy for schools to prevent this sort of thing happening and help both the autistic? child and the other children. They are setting him up to fail socially by not doing these basic things for him and it makes me so mad.

If dd doesn't want to go to the party then I would again blame school - the teachers are not handling x's behaviour very well and when he becomes overwhelmed and lashes out dd is frightened by it so she is afraid to come to the party.

School is where things need to change and both the parents of the boy and other parents affected need to keep speaking up until school put things in place properly for him. At the moment they are failing all the kids very badly.

penjil · 23/03/2024 09:14

Exegete · 23/03/2024 00:07

I did talk to the teacher and to the boy’s dad few months ago. The dad was very apologetic, knew it had happened before (the teacher had spoken to them) but also admitted he can only do so much as his son is impulsive and telling-offs don’t really have any effect…

Well, it's too bad for the Dad, he'll just have to try and stop it.

It's assault.

And you're sending out a message to your daughter that violence is OK, and you have to just accept it!

Tell the mother that your daughter won't be coming to the party due to concerns about violent behaviour that's happened at school. You don't want it to happen outside of school as well, so won't be attending.

Westsussex · 23/03/2024 09:14

DarkCloudy · 23/03/2024 06:10

Exactly this. Don’t try and tiptoe around the subject and don’t assume the parents know exactly what’s going on. Since the teachers clearly aren’t addressing it, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re not speaking to the parents.

I don’t know why people are advising differently. Not hurting the feelings of the boys mother doesn’t take priority over your child’s safety. So far you seek to be teaching your daughter that this boy is allowed to hit her because it’s “not his fault”.

Show quote history

I completely agree. What if he was putting his hands in her knickers? Would she be told, "It's not his fault?" it's dangerous. I'm shocked it's been allowed to continue and excused.

malificent7 · 23/03/2024 09:14

What i find shocking is that many on the thread would lie and not protect their child including the wet dh.

TempleOfBloom · 23/03/2024 09:17

I think I would try and be honest. Maybe “I want to be honest with you, Dd is avoiding xxx at the moment after a few physical incidents which she has found daunting now they are bigger and stronger. I do know he doesn’t mean to be aggressive but sadly it has made Dd wary for the time being, so she has asked to decline the invitation this year”

Parents with children with SEN get a lot of the seemingly polite avoidance.

Caravaggiouch · 23/03/2024 09:19

Be honest with the mum. And speak to the school again, it happens all too often that compliant children, often girls, end up bearing the brunt of children whose needs aren’t being met. Your DD shouldn’t have to put up with his behaviour. There’s no point teaching her to tell you, you aren’t there at school, she needs to be advocating for herself against this child and telling teachers, TAs, whatever adults are present when this happens.

TempleOfBloom · 23/03/2024 09:20

I would also talk to the school, about the incidents and about he fact that your Dd feels ignored by them.

They can do something. They can apply support or 1-2-1 support funding to facilitate him to play safely etc. They can support behaviour modification with kids with SEN just as they can with NT kids. And if the Mum knows that this is an issue she can pressurise for support for him.

colourfulcrochet · 23/03/2024 09:21

I'm the parent of a child with disabilities, some of which result in his behaviour becoming loud, violent, and scary for other children. Frankly, he doesn't belong in a mainstream setting, he has a 1:1 and reduced timetable now as we wait for his EHCP and then start applying for specialist provision. I get told about incidents and pass along my sincerest apologies to other parents when he's upset or hurt another child. I am doing everything I can, engaging with every support system I can grab hold of, to help him keep it together at school. He's 7, and things are going well at the moment.

I would hope the school and parents of this child are doing similarly, but it does sound tricky for you, and unfair on your DD. I agree she shouldn't go, and I would be asking the school for help in understanding how these incidents are dealt with. They may have strategies they can put into place during pinch points in his day, but aren't aware of these incidents themselves so can't prevent them. Hugs to your DD, this sounds very intense and upsetting for her, and it makes it hard to be happy and calm and ready to learn.

StarvingMarvin222 · 23/03/2024 09:26

Exegete · 22/03/2024 23:39

DD7 goes to school with a little boy with a disability (he has difficulties walking and doesn’t talk). They’ve been in the same class since reception and DD has always been occasionally complaining about him hitting her. Never anything serious, but she would often mention (usually without looking distressed) that he had grabbed her glasses off her face, pushed her in the line or slapped her. They were good friends and would often play together but he would sometimes suddenly get angry without any warnings. He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite. I saw him recently on a school outing, one minute he’s all smiles and giggles, the next minute out of the blue he grabs a child and pushes him to the floor. I explained to DD that he doesn’t mean to hurt her and that he gets overwhelmed when frustrated and she can tell him to stop or walk away when he’s aggressive. I thought it would get better as he grew up. Well the boy is now turning 8, he’s bigger and stronger and it got worse.

Today the boy’s mum tells me she’s organising a little birthday party for him (a play date and cake with a few friends at their home). She asked if DD was free, I (stupidly) said she was, thanked her for the invitation and I would get back to her. So I didn’t really say yes she’ll come, but I also said we had nothing planned that day.
I thought DD would be happy to go (she did go to his birthday last year and had a good time). Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.
So now what do I tell the boy’s mum? I don’t know her well at all, I feel for her, I’m sad my DD and her son are not friends anymore, but I also won’t force DD to go if she’s scared of him. So my idea is that I need to put on my big girl’s pants and tell the mum the truth. As gently as possible. That I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).
Then my husband tells me being honest is cruel and selfish, that a little lie (“sorry we have other plans”) would spare their feelings. But I’m shit at lying, and also I already said we were free that day so she’ll know and I’ll hurt her feelings even more…
Yanbu: tell the truth (how?)
Yabu: tell a white lie

A child is bullying your DD and you're saying it's not serious.
Seems toe you're putting this boys needs before your DD.
Take your head from your arse and stand up for your child.
You wouldn't accept being hit everyday at work so why should your DD.

You have to be proactive,and go to that school every time it happens.
And if you get no satisfaction go higher.
Your DD and her wellbeing matters more than some other child.
Don't wait till he seriously injured her