Married to a rich older man - feel conflicted

[chalkandpen]

Please don't flame me - first time poster and I have 2 under 2 so quite sleep deprived.

I am 30, married to my DH, 42 We have two sons: DS 20 months, DS 2 1 month.

I love my DH and we've been together since I was 27. However I've been feeling a bit conflicted recently about aspects of our marriage / life.

He is from a very posh, well-off family. Meanwhile I am from a happy lower-middle-class family in Scotland.

We met in London - originally because I rented from his ex-wife's family (!) and then through some work we did on a local committee together. We just clicked and our relationship came very naturally. He was more worried than me of the optics - he was v aware of the age gap and was conscious that others might think he was taking advantage of me. However, we really were drawn to each other, both wanted a family, & started our lives together.

Since then ... we've had so many comments about me being a golddigger, , him getting 'banter' about being with a younger woman, suggestions it's a very transactional relationship (me giving him the children he wanted, him giving me money and a house). I've found it hard to integrate with members of his family, and although my family love him, my sisters have expressed envy / jealousy of how much easier my life is now because of him.

Also we do have some differing opinions - he is def. more right of centre politically, I am left-wing, he assumes our children should have a nanny / private school etc. He also wants to pay for things for me - fancy meals etc - and I['m worried about looking like a trophy wife.

AIBU to feel weird or out of place? His first wife - who he is still good friends with - is also private school, oxbridge, high-flier, & sometimes I think I'm just not 'right' in this relationship, even though we love each other.

Sound logic there! Yeah I can't disagree, thank you for explaining.

This is crazy.
Waitrose ? Plenty of poor middle class people shop in Waitrose, It's not anything special.

Fortnums, I could understand, but not Waitrose! it's very ordinary.

Plus...Multi millionaires who shop in Tesco - Value bleach!

Plenty of very wealthy people are very parsimonious.

Listen, people judge women much harder than men. Thick skin it and enjoy your little bubble because you will realise that the only people that truly matter are those who want the best for you.

My DH is younger than me. When we met I was the high earner. We set up a business together 12 years ago and it’s been very successful. I get all sorts of comments from family about how lucky I am, implying that I married well and how my DH is the earner. It’s upsetting as he never got those comments when we started living together (and he moved into my house). He wouldn’t be where he is without me, and visa versa. He’s very good at flexing for me, but it still cuts that my family and his think I’m riding on his coat tails.

My partner is 13 years older than me and also much better off! We’ve been together 18 years and have 2 kids.
The important thing is to keep your career going … it’s not just about money but feeling that you have purpose. Not necessarily now when your kids need you but later on when they’re at school and more self sufficient.
I bring in much less than my partner but I do love my job and find satisfaction in it.
The age gap feels more pronounced now we’re older, ie he is in his 60s and I’m just 50. But he is young at heart, and is a doer. The qualities I admired in him when we first met haven’t changed.

This isn't a stealth post

are you sure?

I wouldn't bat an eyelid at that age gap

If he was 12 years older, but from the same socio-economic background, would you feel that age was an issue? I genuinely don't think that's a big gap at all!!

How lovely that you have met someone you have a great relationship with, who wants the same things as you, and who is rich to boot (do you want to swap??)! Don't let other people detract from your happiness x

I didn't notice your dodgy 'SPAG' as was too in agreement with what you wrote. 👍

{But did have to google what SPAG was -spelling and grammar}.

Concentrate on your art, once kids are older. Help people as an art therapist.

Use the time and money to be who you are. Ignore ignore and ditch anyone who is rude.

use your money to give nice experiences for your nieces and nephews.

then you are doing good in the world.

Do you think OP used to work in a chip shop?😂

Wonderful predictive text fail........

OP ignore or call out the jealousy or gold digger remarks, wear the clothes YOU like, and just stay the person he loves.

It's still early days in your marriage and yours is based on the only things that really do matter - you really like and love each other. Everything else is just nonsense.

I echo lots of others in pointing out that there will be FAR more posh people in the likes of Aldi and Lidl than you realise 🤣. The posh ones with old money drive clapped out cars and wear moth eaten jumpers! (Look out for them…)

You've had some great advice on here, so I won’t repeat it again… but two thoughts come to mind.

• When you are on an even keel wrt the kids/ sleep/ childcare, look into going back into work as an art therapist. Go as a volunteer to start with. I can think of many charities who’d love someone like you. You REALLY need to build your self confidence as to who you are. You can progress on from there.

• Follow a guy called Jefferson Fisher on Insta. I’m a terrible people pleasing person and am often lost for words but he has some excellent advice on lots of tricky situations and how to respond. There’ll be a lot of stuff on there you can use when people say stuff they shouldn’t!

I think a lot of women lose their identity a bit when they have children, and with your change in lifestyle your sense of self is being tested to the extreme. You’ve moved financial brackets, social circles and class. And you’ve said yourself that your confidence has been knocked – I’m sure partly through having children (I certainly felt this way) and partly through the comments people are making.

My advice would be to focus on your relationship, your children and getting some of pre-baby you back (time to yourself, lie-ins, classes, whatever you need). And when you’re with your friends who make “jokes”, be honest and say you’re struggling a bit with your identity right now and their comments are getting to you a bit. Ignore his family who are being rude to you. Rise above it (and be rude back in your head!).

A 12-year age gap really is nothing and it’ll feel like less as you get older. As the first poster said, don’t let others turn what sounds like a good relationship into something toxic.

You’ve just got shit friends and family members basically who don’t treat you with the respect you deserve.

My dh was 12 years older than me and we had a very happy marriage. People said I was with him for his money too. The fact that I out earnt him by 2.5 times didn’t put them off saying it either & it hurt him that people said it too.

Thought this was going to be someone at least 15-20 years older minimum. 12 isn’t an ‘older man’ age gap. I have an 11 year age gap and don’t think anything of it. Don’t let anyone make you feel you’re not worthy of him. You’re never going to find anyone who aligns 100% with every view you have or your background, you bring the balance to raising your children. Enjoy your relationship without other peoples unkind opinions ruining on you, they’re just spiteful.

Twelve years barely counts as an ‘age gap’ in my opinion!

From some of your comments it sounds as if you friends/family are equally as judgmental as his friends/family.
like they are saying you should have married within your class only!

Is the main issue about your relationship with him, or is it the perceived attitudes of the people around him? My DH and I have a similar age gap and also come from very different backgrounds. In my case it’s never been an issue. I’ve had some tricky moments with his family at times (especially MIL) but DH and I have a very strong intellectual connection, love and shared values. Do you think he sees you as a trophy wife? If you don’t want to be one, focus on yourself - can you study? Start your own business?

You’ll be 42 yourself before you can blink OP - especially with dcs! They steal the years and you think gosh where did they go!

12 years? That is absolutely nothing. Unless he LOOKS 70 and YOU look 15, then I honestly cannot see the issue.

You are contributing, you are the mother of his children and even though they go to nursery you’re still providing the bulk of their care. Don’t sell yourself short or belittle yourself. Forget about what others think, it’s what he thinks that matters. Enjoy it for now and when the kids are older look at going back to work for your own self esteem.
As for jealousy from others, well their jealousy isn’t your concern, it’s up to them to cope with it.

As for his mother, he needs to come down firmly on this and tell her to stop making these comments and to give you the respect you deserve, you’ve given her grandchildren for gods sake.

I agree with another poster on the The Gold digger and I’m Joking comments. Look them in the eye and say “What do you mean by that” or “ Im sorry , I didn’t quite hear that”. Or just come out and tell them you know they aren’t joking. You know exactly what they are saying and meant every word. It’s only a joke or funny if everyone is laughing and you’re not laughing.

I don't think that's a big age gap. Genuinely. Change is difficult and you have had a lot of change. It's perfectly normal to feel a bit unsettled and tiny children are hard work and if you are tired you feel more put of sorts. Try to relax and enjoy your children and your lovely husband.

Oh OP you have had SO MUCH change in an astonishingly short period of time.

single flat share to married + cohabiting with two small children is a wild enough ride without adding all the other stuff on top.

If you zoom out - I’m assuming you love him and your life without the anxiety of everyone else’s feelings about class (gosh I hate this country sometimes!) and status and age.

’elite’ culture in this country is a flipping snake pit. Even those of us that grew up growing to private schools / polo ponies / french second + caribbean third homes / tennis lessons from 3 - are a bit on guard a lot of the time about ‘fitting in’. There are so so many unspoken rules… eg : don’t take your shoes off when you go into someone’s house. Don’t say toilet, say loo. Never say pardon, only ‘what’.

the thing about all these stupid little rules is that only people that are anxious about their own status will be snotty about any of it. The Duke of Marlborough / Richard Branson do not give a damn. The bloodsucking people in his orbit who are always jostling for position? They do. They are the poison. True class / comfort never punches down.

my advice is three fold

1. get really really really comfortable with who you are and what you want (see a therapist - happy for you to DM me if you want to talk about how to find one - once people see you are impervious to their bulls*it they will back off. True self confidence is universally impressive + attractive

2. step back from people that make you feel bad about your life - including your own family. Lean in to relationships that celebrate you. By all means tell your sister that you’re struggling a bit and you would appreciate it if she didn’t make barbed comments. Don’t cut people off - but it’s ok to leave a little distance, especially while you’re working on part 1

3. know there is NO SHAME in choosing to prioritise parenting at this stage (or any stage) life. there are a million unhappy people who seem to want everyone to be miserable. There are many battles still to be fought to achieve female equality - but you are not letting any social or socialist side down by being happy. The whole point of socialist isn’t for ‘everyone to be equally miserable’. If you are happy + raising happy children + enabling your husband to be happy at work paying tax then you are both net contributors to a system that supports less fortunate people. Lean in to it. Go for nice lunches. Have your hair done occasionally. Be nice to people. You WILL FIND YOUR TRIBE. I promise there are plenty of well-off people living nice lives + contributing very significantly to their communities. There are plenty of well off people who went to oxbridge and are very financially successful and agonise about their contributions to society (they all live in Dulwich..!)

Dont let this anxiety poison a potentially beautiful life for you + you husband + your children.

sending you huge love + courage - you got this!

We’re high ish earners and shop in Lidl mostly. It’s the best value!!! When I go to M&S I feel like I’m being mugged!

Most of this sounds fairly surmountable to be honest. The lifestyle is just something you will have to adapt to and the age gap isn’t that big. As other posters have said, it will get better if you stand up for yourself.

The only thing that jumps out is your differing opinions. Is it just opinions or is it fundamental values?

Why does it matter what anyone thinks? Live for yourself and your children. I don't think 30 and 42 is what I'd call an older man relationship.

The big question is, are you happy? Is it a good marriage? Do you enjoy life with your husband? Would a nanny — perhaps a part-time one — make life easier? Try it, if you don't like it put a stop to it.

I would ask you what you plan to do with the rest of your long, privileged, hopefully happy life once the children are at school. What career or voluntary work do you intend to take on? Just because you've married a rich man doesn't mean you have to sit around looking decorative all day.

What career aspirations did you have before you met him? Just because he's wealthy doesn't mean that you can't work. I think it's really important to have interests and obligations outside the home, particularly if you have household help.