Married to a rich older man - feel conflicted

[chalkandpen]

Please don't flame me - first time poster and I have 2 under 2 so quite sleep deprived.

I am 30, married to my DH, 42 We have two sons: DS 20 months, DS 2 1 month.

I love my DH and we've been together since I was 27. However I've been feeling a bit conflicted recently about aspects of our marriage / life.

He is from a very posh, well-off family. Meanwhile I am from a happy lower-middle-class family in Scotland.

We met in London - originally because I rented from his ex-wife's family (!) and then through some work we did on a local committee together. We just clicked and our relationship came very naturally. He was more worried than me of the optics - he was v aware of the age gap and was conscious that others might think he was taking advantage of me. However, we really were drawn to each other, both wanted a family, & started our lives together.

Since then ... we've had so many comments about me being a golddigger, , him getting 'banter' about being with a younger woman, suggestions it's a very transactional relationship (me giving him the children he wanted, him giving me money and a house). I've found it hard to integrate with members of his family, and although my family love him, my sisters have expressed envy / jealousy of how much easier my life is now because of him.

Also we do have some differing opinions - he is def. more right of centre politically, I am left-wing, he assumes our children should have a nanny / private school etc. He also wants to pay for things for me - fancy meals etc - and I['m worried about looking like a trophy wife.

AIBU to feel weird or out of place? His first wife - who he is still good friends with - is also private school, oxbridge, high-flier, & sometimes I think I'm just not 'right' in this relationship, even though we love each other.

If the people making these 'jokes' are good friends then I'd simply say something like 'pesse stop making jokes about me and DH, it makes me feel very uncomfortable and like you don't see me as me any more.' Help them gently realise how othered their comments are making you feel anf hopefully your loved ones will stop, even if others continue.

What you are feeling is cognitive dissonance, which is understandable when you have pretty much become the thing you hate. You feel like a hypocrite. But so what? This is your life now. Your children are going to experience privilege that you never did, and it is going to be completely normal to them. It's wrong to try to make them feel grateful (or guilty) just to appease your own guilt or shame at stepping into an affluent world you previously frowned upon from a distance. Get over it. You chose this for your children, so embrace it. Stop taking them to gawk at the poors in Aldi ffs.

If you don't want your children to go to public school, they don't have to go to public school- your feelings on this are just as valid as your husbands. It sounds like he's already steamrollered you over the private nursery. Are you going to give in to him over getting a nanny?

I may be wrong, but from your posts it does sound like your husband is the one who gets his own way in your relationship. That is a much bigger problem than his age or his social status.

I can imagine how tricky this is.

A friend from Scotland worked with, what sounds like the kind of people your husband will have grown up around. Her life experience is very different. She never really felt like she fitted in. I met some of them once, and found it difficult to find common ground. I know I'm talking like they are a different species and of course they aren't - but their life experiences and therefore the way they view life is so far removed from mine and hers (and presumably yours), that there wasn't really anything to connect us.

I think you need to confidently state things like 'i promise you, everything feels so alien to me - there's no way I would still be with him if it was about the money' - or similar. You know it's genuine. Don't let others jealousy get in the way of your relationship.

The best revenge is living well, enjoy your little ones and your husband (who I also expected to be 70 from the thread title!). Time will help you to negotiate these relationships and 'fit in' better.

I wouldn't say 12 years is in age gap/sugar daddy territory at all.

Sounds like your perceived problems are all in your head 🤷🏻‍♀️
Why try and make problems when there aren't any?

I’d think very carefully before moving on that front. Surely being a parent is about putting your kids first, even ahead of your own beliefs or principles if it’s clearly in their long term interest that you do so. The reality is that kids in the UK are already socially/economically divided up by high levels of financial inequality and, above all, house prices. I’d send my child to the best school I can.

I've name changed for this.

I am 24 years younger than my DH. We have been together 24 years and married for 20. He is very wealthy.... a fact I had no idea about as we met in rather unusual circumstances and he is not in anyway outwardly flashy or had any obvious trappings of wealth other than he is very posh. I'm from a working class trade unionist background.

People make assumptions. It was assumed I was the OW (I was not- they had a decree nisi when I met). It was assumed I was a gold digger- in fact- it was having that said to my face that first made me 'realise' that there was alot of wealth there. We live in the same village DH lived with his first wife (who still lives here). It was assumed I was a fluffy little golddigging bimbo. (I have a PhD and although recently given up work due to a very seriously ill child I was a barrister. ).

Thing is.... people still have those assumptions. I first of all tried to fit in with DH;s circle. My dressing the part, putting it on as a costume. It did not suit me at all because I am very gardening, dogs, horses and cannot put myself together in any reasonable way), people over the years still make fun of my accent. I have had people invite DH to dinner parties to meet 'someone more suitable'. I have not been invited to weddings and christenings of various friends who did not approve. It is all down to age gap and assumptions. DH and I have a fantastic relationship. We have 2 children, one of whom is extremely ill and we have a tight bonded family unit of 4 that is the whole world to me.

There will be a certain cohort OP of people who will never approve. Who will always make assumptions about you. I would say this. Live your life; Be who you are. Don't try and turn yourself into something that fits. Dont seek approval like a puppy. Most of all- do not let it affect who you think you are and what you know about your relationship. Because some people are just prejudiced numpties and who gives a crap what they think.

It has taken basically until menopause to kick in for me to realise that what randomers think simply doesn't matter. I allowed myself for years to feel insecure. To feel like I had to prove myself. To look at every action I made from the outside. But I know what is what. I'm not going to apologise or hide from anything or anyone because they can't see past their own narrow prejudices.

I just wish I'd realised that much much earlier.

I agree it’s not a big age gap. My husband’s the same age as me and I still wouldn’t consider anything smaller than 15 years a big age gap

He has his mother always saying he should be with his first wife still!

Well, this is shit. And it shows that money doesn’t = class if she’s prepared to say this about you where you can hear it. It’s actually extremely tacky behaviour.

Why did he and his wife split up?

Get yourself trained to do something you consider worthwhile whilst you have childcare and your brain is still young. You have no idea what life can throw at you but having a trade or profession you enjoy is good for you and also good for your children as a role model. Take advantage of your good fortune.

I was so keen to put my thoughts to paper that I managed to write a long post with dodgy SPAG!

First poster nailed it.

Crikey!

What makes you think op doesn't think art/art therapy is worthwhile? It sounds very worthwhile and rewarding to me!

I agree. On at least some level OP made a choice that she wanted her children to have a wealthy father. And there’s nothing wrong with that whatsoever - wealth is just one among many factors (wealth, attractiveness, capability, dependability and so on) upon which people choose a life partner. But there’s no “feel good” answer out there to stop the cognitive dissonance because it is what it is, the OP chose this person.
And parenting is really about giving your kids all the support you can muster - emotional and financial - to help them reach their potential. So OP is off to a flyer and shouldn’t feel guilt about it! I would just suggest that OP keeps a job/career even though she doesn’t need that income now, as none of us know what the future holds.

Oh and in terms of how MY side reacted when DH and I got together. Parents were fine. They could see how besotted DH and I are. Some friends had issues- that was largely down to envy because I also went from a houseshare to living in a lovely large house. Some digs about being a sell out etc. One friend dumped me because of this. There was a phase where my friends would expect me to foot the bill for things. But we are all in our 50s now and all of my friends are in great well paying jobs in Finance or Law or senior in some way so the differences have narrowed a bit. And I experienced feeling envy towards my high flying friends because I was quite career oriented and have lost that now.

I gave up work at 50 because of my child (and also DH is getting very medically frail himself) and that has been met with alot of envy because I can give up work.

But I just get on and live my life. There are loads of elements of my life that are enviable and loads that are not. Same as anyone else.

I think sometimes ‘fast’ relationships spin people’s heads a bit (esp if your DH was recently separated), and they feel it’s not quite serious, or you’re together for suspect or prosaic reasons rather than love. Because they clearly think it won’t last, they feel free to give voice to their shitty opinions. You both need to advocate strongly for each other and your marriage with your respective family and friends. Unless you jointly shut this down it’ll go on for bloody years.

As for feeling out of place, remember that you’re not just a passenger in your own life. You may have to interact with people you’re not comfortable around, but you don’t have to let them into your world or allow them to have any influence over how you feel. Actively choose who you engage with - different backgrounds shouldn’t stop you making friends, you just need to have a well-tuned dick radar and avoid the ones who think they can look down on you. Fuck them.

The jealousy thing is more difficult, as is the socialist/private school thing, but again you just have to stay true to who you are. Can you have a honest talk with your close family about how conflicted and unhappy it’s making you feel? People who love you will eventually make peace with it, provided you’re still the same person, and that they know you’re in your marriage for love.

I think the fact that you've known him 'all through your 20's' does make a difference.

When you say all through your 20's, in what capacity?

We're you 20 and he was 33 and your boss?

Some context would help

Hope this works out for you but it does seem a bit fool hardy to marry a man with different beliefs to you and have 2 children very quickly. Relationships are hard if your fundamental beliefs and goals don’t align, without adding in 2 children when you’ve known each other 2 minutes.

I mean, I feel a bit ridiculous sometimes taking my son to Lidl or Tesco instead of Waitrose so he can see where normal people shop, just because it's where we shopped in my childhood I mean, I feel a bit ridiculous sometimes taking my son to Lidl or Tesco instead of Waitrose so he can see where normal people shop, just because it's where we shopped in my childhood

Lol 🎶'i took her to a supermarket, I dunno why but I had to start it somewhere, so I started....there'🎶

You're not common people anymore. Deal with it. You're married to a rich older man. I'm sure you'll get used to the money.

The most important thing is to feel like yourself, and right now you sound like you’ve lost your moorings.

You are not your upbringing, or your social class, or your looks, or your babies. You are not Mrs Richman or Mrs Oldman.

In the example you gave about getting a nanny it’s obvious that you and your dh both want your dc to have a strong and stable attachment to a reliable caregiver.

It sounds like your core values are compatible and you both can see beyond class constructs. So start from there.

Don’t try to fit in or change yourself. Just be who you authentically are, and let life unfold around you.

I'm guessing because, as it says in the op, she rented from his ex-wifes family.

I’ve got a slightly different perspective on this for 2 reasons.

1. I’m your DH’s age and went to Oxford with loads of similar (privately educated) men. Lots of them are on second marriages to younger women. They are very preoccupied with money/status and having a trophy wife. They boarded at all-boys schools and don’t see women as their equals (neither do their families).
2. My own DH is 9 years older than me, but not like this however, he is fairly grumpy, which is a function of his age (50s).

I couldn’t be with any of the guys from uni because their values don’t align with mine, and they look down on my job (teacher). I need to feel equal in a relationship. Perhaps you’re getting a bit of this?

You need to be firm with him so that you can be yourself.
Find your own identity in the marriage
Do your work (maybe have the nanny in then to give you the freedom to go out to work).
You can enjoy the lifestyle that the money brings but you don't need to be one of their identikit wives

12 years is absolutely nothing!!

My Dad {Now RIP} had a first wife who was 9 years older, she tragically died {Illness} and then he remarried a woman 12 years younger.

12 years honestly isn't anything.

Especially not woman>man.

You weren't gold diggy....someone I know advertised for a ''solvent man'' and got and married a multi millionaire - They live in a very lavish house - he gets bonuses of over £100 k a year yet goes apeshit if his wife buys anything other than Tesco ''value'' bleach.
He's a miser.

People definitely called her a gold digger...but she made no secret of it.