Married to a rich older man - feel conflicted

[chalkandpen]

Please don't flame me - first time poster and I have 2 under 2 so quite sleep deprived.

I am 30, married to my DH, 42 We have two sons: DS 20 months, DS 2 1 month.

I love my DH and we've been together since I was 27. However I've been feeling a bit conflicted recently about aspects of our marriage / life.

He is from a very posh, well-off family. Meanwhile I am from a happy lower-middle-class family in Scotland.

We met in London - originally because I rented from his ex-wife's family (!) and then through some work we did on a local committee together. We just clicked and our relationship came very naturally. He was more worried than me of the optics - he was v aware of the age gap and was conscious that others might think he was taking advantage of me. However, we really were drawn to each other, both wanted a family, & started our lives together.

Since then ... we've had so many comments about me being a golddigger, , him getting 'banter' about being with a younger woman, suggestions it's a very transactional relationship (me giving him the children he wanted, him giving me money and a house). I've found it hard to integrate with members of his family, and although my family love him, my sisters have expressed envy / jealousy of how much easier my life is now because of him.

Also we do have some differing opinions - he is def. more right of centre politically, I am left-wing, he assumes our children should have a nanny / private school etc. He also wants to pay for things for me - fancy meals etc - and I['m worried about looking like a trophy wife.

AIBU to feel weird or out of place? His first wife - who he is still good friends with - is also private school, oxbridge, high-flier, & sometimes I think I'm just not 'right' in this relationship, even though we love each other.

You seem too needy in this post. They are eating you alive. You have to prove yourself because they are ‘upper’ class… the reality is you have to be twice as steadfast, twice as (outwardly) confident in your convictions.
in your situation; play the long game. Fake it till you make it. Hold your head higher than you are right now.
sleep will help.

Get a career. Invest in your own growth and career goals - as well as being a mother. Use the help if it’s offered such an cleaners, au pairs etc

Read a book called Limbo: blue collar roots, white collar dreams. While it is American and you are not exactly blue collar you may still find it useful.

generally Britain is very class-conscious society (weirdly! for outsiders) so your feelings out of place are natural because you essentially did cross sub-class lines (in British eyes) and both members of your DH family haven’t gelled with you and your own family is making comments its seems., so they are making you uncomfortable. That in addition to age gap (which isn’t even that big to be honest 🤷‍♀️). In my homecountry noone would bat an eye lid on your age gap nor on the financial differences like that…

all in all, your feelings are valid BUT there is nothing wrong or bad about your marriage. You just need to recognise your feelings. Understand that they are not uncommon and not wrong per se. And learn to accept them and live with them. After accepting you may find you can ignore the comments of others much easier, or tell them to stop. If anyone has been AH enough to call you a gold digger, cut these people out of your life!! If these are strangers, say “what a rude/odd thing to say” and stare at them pointedly.

Live your life and be happy,

Just that, saviour it and enjoy it.

As an art therapist you probably help people more than you could ever imagine. If you can get back to that in some capacity, do you think this would help to get the old you back? Sometimes when there's a huge change, it's easy to feel detached from a lot of the important things.

16.5 years between dh and I. I did have a few people “warning me” of the pitfalls in the early days, mostly not our families or closest friends. 32 years and 3 kids later they’ve dried up, got divorced themselves or died so it all settled down. We are also from very different backgrounds. I’m from a very middle class home, piano lessons, horse riding etc. His mother rarely had a shilling for the meter. Don’t let the naysayers bother you. Stand up for your relationship and I’m sure things will get easier over time.

I agree with you but bear in mind that OP has a 1 month old baby....I've never met anyone working with a baby ad young as that.

He was worried of the optics and conscious that others might think he was taking advantage of a twenty-seven-year-old woman?! What sort of batshit insane world are we all living in?! I say “we all” because age gap discourse has become positively stupid in the last few years.

Enjoy your husband and your babies and do your best not to ruminate on this. As for “not contributing to the household,” of course you contribute to the household. Your body grew two new human beings, to begin with.

Ah. But is your husband rich & do you have full time childcare/private nursery for 1 of your 2 kids where all the equally wealthy mothers look down on you for being on the make ??

Cause you couldn't possibly understand OP's predicament (nor can the rest of us for that matter)

I'm not sure I class him as an older man!

And so what if he earns more than you? In a couple someone has to earn the most.

You're making a problem when there isn't one there.

My DH and I have a bigger gap than that. Married 6 years next week, 12 years together, ds is 4.

what other people think doesn’t matter. Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. If you’re happy, safe, respect each other, are a good team, then really, please don’t worry.

no one can look inside your marriage bar the two of you.

I'm 31 with a 43yo DP (getting married later this year), we've been together five years now. I can somewhat relate as I remember the fear about perceptions when we first started dating... DP is English (similar background to your DH), I'm not. To make matters worse, there's a well-known cliché that women from my country are gold diggers, only with men for the passport, etc.

When I first met DP's friends, I'd often bring this cliché up proactively and make the joke myself - it helped break the ice, and gave me some control. I figured that if they were going to laugh, they might as well laugh with me rather than at me. And I genuinely do see the humour in it, which helps. Could you maybe re-frame it this way, either in how you interact with others or even just between the two of you?

I am also openly proud about my background - I big up my home country, my family, and try to turn being "different" into an asset. I think the trick is to be assertive and confident about it - I find people are curious and respond best when I'm genuine. I can't talk about horses or pull off a tweed cape, but I'm a fun debate partner because I have a different perspective, I have lots of wacky anecdotes from my childhood, and I can get away with fun outfits that the more "established" wives probably wouldn't feel comfortable stepping out in. Ride that wave, forget the Reiss and Hobbs!

That said, no one has ever been rude or nasty about us or our relationship to our faces (at least not to mine) so maybe I've just been lucky. DP also really bigs me up. I wonder if reading between the lines, your DH should come to your defense more when people make jibes? The thing with his mother sounds especially tough.

I also don’t think it’s a huge age gap, ignore the comments if you guys are happy. Someone I know who is 32 has just started a relationship with a 59yr old, she’s certainly had a lot of comments

Did you recently post on Mumsnet? I remember a similar post

Thank you very much, i really appreciate the messages.

To respond to a few things,
No i wasn't the other woman - although that assumption was made in real life first!

I think it is more of a class thing than an age thing , though the age slightly compounds thisb- I didn't mean he's 'older' as in 'old' , just older than me

I really liked the poster who said to ignore the reiss and hobbs & to do my own thing!

I think its is partly just a confidence thing and I am getting there.

In thé longer term your DHs network can help you have a fantastic career so you are successful in your own right. It'll help you own it. Others will still be jealous though. Then help your nieces (and nephews) in the same way.

@chalkandpen I agree, it sounds like it’s about the compounding effect it has. 12 years might not be a huge number, but it’s enough to tip the balance when there’s also a class/social/cultural difference…

Talk to your husband about it. Always the best thing with stuff like this

Who cares what anyone else thinks? As long as you and your DH are happy that's all that matters. Ignore everyone else and their silly opinions.

I was 10 years older than my DH, and it didn't bother either of us.

I think you’re quite vulnerable at the moment so use your resources to have the most enjoyable time you can eg support with nights, some nursery time so you can bond 1 to 1 with youngest, more ready made food so you can relax etc. look at all the women who don’t have this. Take it back for the gender pay gap if it makes you feel better!

once your baby is a bit older then u can start to work out what your self worth is based on now things have changed. It’s a period of adjustment. The same as when someone retires etc.

thing is- you don’t need to slot in to his life, like he had a pathway set and it doesn’t matter who is with him. You are joint authors in the book of your life so start acting like it. If you don’t like the nursery coz u find the parents too entitled- choose another one. That culture will rub off on your kid and not all private schools/nurseries have that. Also if you don’t feel comfortable with private education and there is a decent state primary then send your kid there. Who cares what his mum thinks? She made her choices for her kids- you make them now.

why on earth are you talking them to cheap supermarkets to look at what? Poor people? There’s better, less offensive ways to ensure they mix with all types eg play groups in different locations etc. surely you haven’t forgotten already!

your Age gap and different upbringings don’t need to be an issue but YABU by giving your power away to everyone. With money and free time available to you in the future you could make a difference locally with charity work etc. the world is at your feet so enjoy it.

completely agree with others- don’t put up with these snide remarks. Stop acting apologetic for your circumstances- end of the day you met someone, you fell in love. Most people have that opportunity. It’s not on you if others are jealous. Even your family. Next time someone says something nip it in the bud and don’t talk money again with any one. The less specifics they know, the less to judge.

You're going to have to harden up op. I think having a thick skin probably goes along with having money as much as not having any. You can't always be liked.

You feel a bit out of place because, economically speaking, you are. You’re living an affluent lifestyle that you didn’t earn through your own hard work. But there are millions of women who do the same. Accept it and move on from it. And of course there are other ways to contribute to family life etc and I’m sure you will. But to an extent these feelings will be probably never totally disappear because they are based on reality. You just need to make your peace with it.

re the private school question ”want to invest my values in them, but the culture of poshness just feels so strong”.

Again, I think you make your peace with it one or another. Kids who go to private school aren’t all posh, but they are incredibly privileged. You can either embrace the advantages an expensive education would bring them or turn it down out of principle. But to do accept it while holding a grudge against the system/school/husband would be weird.

The gold digger comments sound much more like snobbery to me and possibly jealousy depending on who is saying them. Don’t let the comments influence anything you do. The people making them have the problem, not you. They will continue to be snobs and jealous regardless of your actions.

Seriously grow up. “Where normal people shop”? I don’t buy this false modesty crap in your posts - oh I’m so intimidated by women 10 years older than me (give over), everyone sees me as a young trophy wife (humblebrag), I need to shop in Tesco so that my son realises what a salt of the earth person I am.

Also, loads of posh people shop in Lidl.

You do have an issue if you’re married to someone who doesn’t share your outlook on life and your kids’ education (and who also seems to have a nasty family). Getting married and having two kids within 3 years of meeting suggests that maybe your DH just wanted kids rather than an equal partner to share his life with and didn’t think about the adjustment for you. Which is why he now expects you to play posh wife and put on an act essentially.

It’s not a weird age gap but there is a type of man around 40 who will go for a mid 20s woman and their relationships aren’t necessarily very equal. Yours might be different- idk. Good luck to you - having briefly mixed with members of this sector of society I wouldn’t want to be in your position for the world.

It’s naive to pretend there isn’t usually a very different dynamic between say a couple on 30k and 50k vs a couple on 30k and 500k.