Married to a rich older man - feel conflicted

[chalkandpen]

Please don't flame me - first time poster and I have 2 under 2 so quite sleep deprived.

I am 30, married to my DH, 42 We have two sons: DS 20 months, DS 2 1 month.

I love my DH and we've been together since I was 27. However I've been feeling a bit conflicted recently about aspects of our marriage / life.

He is from a very posh, well-off family. Meanwhile I am from a happy lower-middle-class family in Scotland.

We met in London - originally because I rented from his ex-wife's family (!) and then through some work we did on a local committee together. We just clicked and our relationship came very naturally. He was more worried than me of the optics - he was v aware of the age gap and was conscious that others might think he was taking advantage of me. However, we really were drawn to each other, both wanted a family, & started our lives together.

Since then ... we've had so many comments about me being a golddigger, , him getting 'banter' about being with a younger woman, suggestions it's a very transactional relationship (me giving him the children he wanted, him giving me money and a house). I've found it hard to integrate with members of his family, and although my family love him, my sisters have expressed envy / jealousy of how much easier my life is now because of him.

Also we do have some differing opinions - he is def. more right of centre politically, I am left-wing, he assumes our children should have a nanny / private school etc. He also wants to pay for things for me - fancy meals etc - and I['m worried about looking like a trophy wife.

AIBU to feel weird or out of place? His first wife - who he is still good friends with - is also private school, oxbridge, high-flier, & sometimes I think I'm just not 'right' in this relationship, even though we love each other.

OP I don't consider 6-7 years an age gap.
It sounds that you and your DH have different upbringings/ culture. If you work together and cater for one another I'm sure you will work out out.
2 under 2 is a lot of pressure by itself.
Good luck

*care not cater lol

Poor you. I can imagine there's not many people you can speak to about your feelings without being called 1) ungrateful 2) golddigger.

I can understand slightly what it's like moving up a class in society. Very lonely if you feel you don't fit in the with new crowd and your old crowd perhaps judge you rather than be happy for you or want to be a part of your happiness even when you offer it to them.

I was once called a golddigger as there is a 19 year age gap between me and my husband.

To be honest, by the time I met him at 25, I'd had a hard life, beaten by my ex husband, left with nothing, 2 kids, messed around by further boyfriends who were more cheats than beaters, so by the time I met someone that just wanted to give me a good life and make me laugh, I jumped right into his arms and lapped it up!!

6 years on we are married with our own baby, a huge house in an affluent area where I very much feel like I don't fit in, I have imposter syndrome daily...

Wish you lived near me! We could be friends lol xx

I think you need to stop giving a fuck about what other people think. I know for a fact that there are members of Dh’s family who think he could have done better, he doesn’t.

I care about his opinion, I care about the opinion of people I respect. there is a very tiny group of people who I value enough where losing their regard would be awful for me. You only have so many fucks to give OP, stop giving them out to everyone.

Also raise your kids how you want, they are yours, you decide.

I thought it was a 12 year age gap?

That is fine for lots of people but it doesn't sound right in this situation. The op already feels "grateful" to her husband, feels his family don't respect her, feels her preferences over the way the children are brought up won't be respected, feels isolated from her friends, feels inferior to new acquaintances as they are too posh. Staying home would be disastrous for her as it would make all these things worse, increase the inequality . She needs to maintain her independence I think.

Ffs 12 years?! That’s hardly anna Nicole smith territory is it! I married someone with a bigger age gap. No one says anything - you might be overthinking.

Oh poor you-ignore it.

What do you do for work, OP?

@Shinyandnew1 thank you my mistake.
12 is still not huge tho.

PS - I don’t know where you’re from in Scotland, but would a school like eg Hutchies really be so bad? I’m east coast but there are some down to earth schools here too.

So much of your life has changed really quickly and many people struggle with their new "mum' identity with 2 small kids. Your situation is just a more extreme version of this. Have you a career you can go back to or something you want to train in? The world is your oyster here just go for it. You belong there. Don't let yours and other people's nsecurity ruin it.

As the previous poster has said you have imposter syndrome. My DH used to get it.

I'm from what some would consider posh (I'm not my family in the old days would be considered "new money") and he's from a council estate.

DH family can still be arses about him marrying me 19 years later, apparently he married me for my money, when we met I earned less them him.

The recent gem from them was are we sending our DD with SEN who was massively struggling in the large local comp to a small private school because we are snobs, luckily they didn't say that to me otherwise I'd have lost it with them.

At times I've been told I come off as snob & aloof but really it's just I'm either in my own world or when I was younger I was very socially awkward.

I think some people can easily make assumptions either way you especially see it with politics like the left are all working class salt of the earth heros which if you have ever been around some left leaning people is very far from the truth.

You also always get the right is heartless snobs which again can be wrong.

You are not psychic you have no idea what people are thinking about you, usually they are so busy in their own world they aren't thinking about you.

Those glamorous mums you mentioned just might like fashion and looking good for themselves and their self esteem.

Remember people are complex and multifaceted.

Having children so close together will have affected your sense of self try and start building that back up gradually and remember you belong exactly where you are by your DH side!

Honestly, stop navel-gazing and find something to occupy your time and mind. Also too much time spent watching other people and imagining what they think about you. Maybe they're living their lives and youre not even in their mind.

You knew he was rich before you married him. It didnt stop you. You have 2 children now and if your H wants to put money towards them having a better life then that's to be commended. There are some horrendous husband stories on MN and here you are sitting moaning about your husband. There's no perfection out there in any of us. Money may not always buy happiness but it buys more choices. Just use your choices, find something worthy to do and focus on.

What dreams of your own did you leave behind to marry him?

Absolutely don't let your thinking become about what your MIL thinks!

I'm an artist / art therapist

Hello - thank you so much for your replies, I'm just sorting out the baby now but going to try and reply in the morning! Thank you

Things have happened quite quickly, including two pregnancies. Your mind probably needs time to catch up with everything that has happened. You fell in love with your DH, don’t lose sight of that, his family raised him to be the man he is so they must have some good points. It is difficult to move to a different culture, and Scotland to London is a big change. Even without the wealth aspects coming in. You might need to tell some from both sides to not pass comments.
Then concentrate on raising your children to have the best of both sets of values.

The gold-digger/age gap comments are extremely rude

Does your DH know about them?

I think your position is ideal. He wants to pay for a nanny - that’s ideal for you to go back to work part-time when you’re ready.

i don’t think your age gap is too big, he just married too young first time.

I'll be honest and say I find it hard not to judge some large age gap relationships, especially where the age gap is huge, where the younger party was a teen or very early 20s, or where there's a real inequity - like a teacher/funeral student or former babysitter/child.

Your situation is nothing like that.
12 years isn't a massive age difference.
You were a fully grown adult when you guys met and got together.

If you and your husband have a healthy, happy marraige, when why care about anyone else's opinion. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

You're not an imposter in your own life. You're your husband's wife and your children's mother. You are a family. Doesn't matter how much or how little money you have, although of course it's nicer to be financially comfortable.

If people make rude comments, gently shut them down. If they continue, do so not so gently.

If you don't feel comfortable where you live or you don't find you 'gel' with the people around you, maybe have a discussion with your DH about whether you could think about moving somewhere which would work better for both of you in terms of meeting like-minded people. You don't have to accept living somewhere you don't like long-term just because he had more money than you when you married.

Nothing wrong with having a nanny - lots of people have childcare help who aren't in the least "posh". Assuming you don't plan to abandon your DC to them, your children will have no difficulty working out who their mother is, regardless of whether you've taken advantage of the financial resources available to you to have some time to yourself now and then.

Enjoy your life. Make sure you are financially secure. That you have your own pension and being paid into. There's no reason you can't take a break from work with kids being young and think about going back when kids hit school age

Thing is, when you go back to work (which I assume you will after mat leave), then people won't be able to say you're living off his money etc as you're earning your own way 😀

Don’t give others a second thought, OP!

They (ExW, SiLs) are all jealous and bitter, they wish they were young, loved, with children (easily conceived!) and well provided for. You have what they dont.

Enjoy your lifestyle and family. Don’t apologise for it! You sound like you have the perfect life.

The age gap is not that big, it will matter less and less. If it bothers you you can dress older and he can dress younger when you’re out!