To not go to the hen do?

[tiredandtesting123]

One of my friends hen do's is soon. Since it was planned my financial circumstances have changed in that I've had a baby and given up work.
It's getting more and more expensive with what she's added to it, and the girl I'm going with is wants more petrol money than is necessary.. so I said I'd make my own way (as DH/my dad won't charge me petrol money) I was told in the group chat no I'll be going in the car with them that way I can't be late etc, and even if I get picked up on the way back she still wants the same amount of petrol money. I've been told by the hen in the group WhatsApp "you've known about this for 9 months so you could've saved, please moan to the others and not me" followed by lots of "amen" and emojis from the others. My response was so you're asking me to bitch behind your back then. I can't save money I don't have.

Part of me feels like saying I won't be attending either the hen do or wedding, leaving the group chat and saying don't talk to me talk about me to each other!

AIBU?

with that kind of dramatic flouncy suggested message?

The hen sounds like a real delight 😳

a close friend of 6 years

and never behaved like this?

From the other side, we’re arranging a hen do and have known about it for a year. Everyone agreed weekend away with a short flight. Whenever paying is mentioned (eg flights needed to be booked) one of the 12 will reply “oooh that’s a bit more than I expected, er can I pay in instalments?”. Then the same with the hotel - she was suggesting a hostel with bunk beds… we’re 40-55 year old women. Now we’re talking about activities and she’s surprised there will be additional costs… did she think we’d do nothing? It’s not hot with a pool so is obvious we’d book something. None of the prices are outrageous just the cost those things are which she previously agreed to.

Her constant “I’m not sure I can afford to come” messages are really tedious and people have paid for her in the past but we’re all just keeping quiet and not engaging.

maybe she can’t afford it, but then don’t come rather than moaning all the time. It’s really awkward.

So the hen do was originally planned 9 months ago, but since then lots of other activities have been added on. I'm wondering when they were added - e.g. if the day at the races, night at the hotel, etc. were added very recently, I can see why you're taken aback. But if these 'extras' were added months ago, I can see why the others are surprised you haven't raised this as a problem until now.

OTOH I wondered about your baby. You didn't have a baby when you originally signed up to this hen do, and perhaps now (you say you haven't previously left the baby overnight) you think it would be harder than you imagined to leave her/him? Do any of the other attendees have babies/children?

And it really does seem that the designated driver is trying to make money out of giving lifts to friends - especially as you've said you don't even need or want these lifts. Finally, the way in which the other people on the group chat have spoken to you seems rude, immature and totally unfriendly. Given that alone, I wouldn't blame you for cancelling.

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do.

yes i’ve asked about these “extras” and what was originally planned when op agreed to it

Now we’re talking about activities and she’s surprised there will be additional costs… did she think we’d do nothing?

Depending on where you are going activities might not necessarily occur to me tbh.
(Other than eating & drinking out!)

How many & how much per activity?

Perhaps it should have been said at the start to allow x amount for activities

Fair points @TeenLifeMum , but in your case: "we’re all just keeping quiet and not engaging." What you're not doing is being rude and bullying towards the other person, because, presumably you regard them as a friend, and therefore expect to have an ongoing relationship with them.

Just don’t go

Sharing petrol is a reasonable request .... its weird asking your dad to take you and not offering the others a lift?

Dont go if you dont want to but you should have said at the beginning you couldn't go. You sound unreliable

Well I wouldn’t go but not because of the money because they clearly don’t really like you!

They’ve all took the piss out of you on the chat, changed plans without consultation, tried to rob you out of petrol money and put you in a room with a stranger while they’re all together!

Sounds like your only invited to subsidise their trip hence the reaction to you not wanting to carshare..

i agree totally with @TeenLifeMum and @PrincessFiorimonde we are only hearing tit bits of the story. @tiredandtesting123 you need to come back with a time line, a proper one do not drip feed. Its also quiet to common to not know half the people on the hen party. The fact they want you to travel with them to ensure you are not late shows to me you have form for this. However that doesn't give them the right to be rude or bully you though thats not right

Well I wouldn’t go but not because of the money because they clearly don’t really like you!

nor the op them

I hope my comment is helpful but I'm giving you permission not to go. If you feel you're being pressured into doing things which you can't afford, you can't afford to go and that reason is absolutely fine.

Saying you've had 9 months to save when you've had a baby during a cost of living crisis denies your personal circumstances. OK, so you haven't saved so you can't afford to go. That's a valid reason not to go and you can tell them you can no longer afford to go.

I would still go to the wedding though because presumably you don't have to pay for that and if your reason to not go to the hen do is because you can't afford it, that's not the same reason to not go to the wedding.

Sharing petrol is a reasonable request .... its weird asking your dad to take you and not offering the others a lift?

@Maddy70 The clue is in the word sharing ie splitting the cost which won't come to more than £15, not making a profit out of the passengers by charging them £25 each which I think is illegal unless the driver has a taxi licence

You sound unreliable

No she doesn't. She sounds like she has had the rug pulled from under her feet by the unexpected extra costs that have been added afterwards. This is on the hens not the OP.

Sounds like your only invited to subsidise their trip hence the reaction to you not wanting to carshare

I agree @Prinnny

Same here! I also went to one like this in 2019! Great fun.

There’s no way I’d be going to something like this, and it would probably be best to stay away from the wedding as well.

Sounds like your only invited to subsidise their trip hence the reaction to you not wanting to carshare

I agree @Prinnny

the hen is a “close friend of 6 years”

Nah, absolutely fuck that shit. They sound like a bunch of nasty, controlling wankers. Typical playground bully tactics. They know your circumstances and are trying to fleece you for more petrol money and gang up on you and be spiteful. Who needs enemies with friends like that?! There’s no way on earth I’d have anyone tell me who I can and can’t get a lift with. Let alone speak to me like that and attempt to guilt trip me into parting with money for a group of assholes like that. Save your money OP and split. The bride is not a friend worth having or wasting any more time on. Weddings show lots of people’s true colours and fortunately you’ve seen them before you wasted your time and money.

So offer the correct amount of petrol shared between the others

She has form for lateness.... she is unreliable

Why no offer of a lift to the others from yoyr dad /oh ?

Nope! She's wanting more petrol money than it's going to cost for a start! Plus you said the bride's added things onto the hen do too. Which is obviously going to cost you more.
And if the bride can't realise that your circumstances have changed since this was organised, I don't think she's the sort of friend you think she is. Then add in dragging all the others in, to basically gang up and have a bitch? I'd stay at home with DH and fuck the wedding off too! With friends like that, who needs enemies?

I'm a bit on the fence with this one.

Absolutely reasonable to bow out on account of changing circumstances/priorities and not being able to afford it. They don't sound like very nice people and it doesn't sound like it'd be a very good time.

However, I also think if you're someone who is routinely late (and it sounds like you are and they don't trust that you will get there on time) they're probably a bit sick of you being late and/or worried that you won't be there on time. As much as you say that it won't spoil anything if you were late-that's not true, is it?

If they've planned a bottomless brunch for x time, (just an example) many of those come with a time slot and a limited time allocation so you being late would impact that. I think it's annoying when people act like their lateness has zero impact on anyone else.

OTOH, I absolutely understand your reticence to attend, especially if they just keep adding and adding extras on and then pressurising you to attend them all-despite your concerns. I hate it when things get agreed at the start-and then other people add things in that they can afford and don't consider if everyone else in the group can afford them, too.

I understand plans can and do change-but I think if those changes are going to increase the costs on everyone by a lot then that is a discussion that requires agreement. Or else understanding that some people may need to bow out of the whole thing or only attend the parts they can afford.

Just adding stuff and then demanding attendance is ridiculous. I think you should have been more direct from the start-probably making it clear that you have X budget and that is it-and anything over that you can't do and don't allow them to railroad you into things.

At this point, I think your only option is to be honest and back out. It'll be awkward and tense if you don't especially after those nasty messages. Be polite, and just cite a change of circumstances but you wish them all a good time.

It may end your friendship-but do you really want friends like that?

It’s hardly surprising that the OP doesn’t like these people is it? They are all vile and spiteful. I don’t even know these people and I can’t stand them. Bullies make my blood boil.

there is nothing I hate more than a hen party group chat. It always becomes so toxic and ridiculous and it’s like reverting back to high school!

back out now and just make it clear that, whilst yes, you’ve had 9 months to save - you have had a baby and given up work.

Super bitchy messages from them. Don’t go OP

I don't think anything would be achieved by sending a rude message back. I would just cover the hotel cost because that will impact the others, and then just say that you won't be making the hen do and the wedding, then leave the group chat.