Page 7 | To not go to the hen do?

tiredandtesting123 · 2024-03-22T08:05:43+00:00

One of my friends hen do's is soon. Since it was planned my financial circumstances have changed in that I've had a baby and given up work. It's getting more and more expensive with what she's added to it, and the girl I'm going with is wants more petrol money than is necessary.. so I said I'd make my own way (as DH/my dad won't charge me petrol money) I was told in the group chat no I'll be going in the car with them that way I can't be late etc, and even if I get picked up on the way back she still wants the same amount of petrol money. I've been told by the hen in the group WhatsApp "you've known about this for 9 months so you could've saved, please moan to the others and not me" followed by lots of "amen" and emojis from the others. My response was so you're asking me to bitch behind your back then. I can't save money I don't have. Part of me feels like saying I won't be attending either the hen do or wedding, leaving the group chat and saying don't talk to me talk about me to each other! AIBU?

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 22/03/2024 13:47

I can drive 5 of us (plus loads of luggage) 300 miles for £45 of petrol, in my seven seater.

Maybe she's helicoptering you there? 😁

lacyviolet · 22/03/2024 13:48

I don't think the OP's habitual lateness is the issue here. Her so-called friends are bullies who clearly don't value her friendship in return.

I wouldn't want to have any more to do with any of them and would simply quit the group chat and block all of them. I'd only pay for anything non-refundable, and I'd do this without comment or explanation, either direct to the organiser's bank account if I had details, or by sending a cheque.

Genevieva · 22/03/2024 13:49

Don’t be bullied into this. Pull out now. Explain briefly that the cost of the event has escalated and that, as a mother of a baby, you can’t afford the trip and you can’t be away from your baby for that long. It’s a shame, as you had hoped for a bit of flexibility, but as it’s all or nothing, you will have to bow out. Wish them a lovely time.

areyoutheregod · 22/03/2024 13:50

lacyviolet · 22/03/2024 13:48

I don't think the OP's habitual lateness is the issue here. Her so-called friends are bullies who clearly don't value her friendship in return.

I wouldn't want to have any more to do with any of them and would simply quit the group chat and block all of them. I'd only pay for anything non-refundable, and I'd do this without comment or explanation, either direct to the organiser's bank account if I had details, or by sending a cheque.

I agree, I would never treat my friends like this.

Redpaisley · 22/03/2024 13:52

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 08:11

@MiltonNorthern this is the bride. It's just a friend who wants the petrol money and in the chat they're saying no you're coming in the car with us and when I said if I just come with you and go back with DH can I pay less? Her response was "you wish"
The don't speak to me about it comment was from the bride, followed by "amen" and likes from the other hen party girls in the chat.

It's the way they talk to you. So disrespectful. Tell them you won't attend given how rude they all have been to you.

Mix56 · 22/03/2024 13:58

I wouldn't go.

Redpaisley · 22/03/2024 13:59

Mrsttcno1 · 22/03/2024 09:41

There’s a time and place though, as another poster has said, you don’t fall pregnant, give birth etc in a few weeks, and it sounds like this hen has been planned for a long time (9 months I think OP mentioned). There has been plenty of time to either a) save/put money away or b) for OP to say actually I can’t afford xyz, my budget is £x. Among my friend group in the last few years quite a few of us have had babies overlapping with hen do’s which has of course impacted finances for people, each time though this has been discussed straight away, one friend opted out of attending as soon as she found out she was pregnant as she knew she’d need any savings for her mat leave and that was absolutely fine with everybody of course, 2 of the other girls for 2 other hen do’s again said they’d love to still attend but would only be able to afford £X and so we planned around them to include everyone.

I don’t think the issue is so much the money but the fact that as OP says, this hen is now “soon” and has been organised for 9 months. Of course people are going to be annoyed when last minute someone starts complaining or wants to pay less.

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Well, issue is they are forcing her to go in a car with others and pay a lot for it, when Op lives closer to the venue and her husband can easily drive her there. Response was don't moan. You wish. Who talks like that?
Second, op has been put up in a room with people she doesn't know.

9 months planning has nothing to do with this.

diddl · 22/03/2024 14:06

Op can't be forced into a car though can she?

Obviously if Op lives nearer it made sense to pick her up on the way.

Although if she wasn't ready it still wouldn't stop her being late!

RampantIvy · 22/03/2024 14:07

@Stupidliefromfriend she isn't just talking about a few pounds. She thought she was paying ££ for the hen do and now it is going to be ££££££.

The hens are the ones taking the piss here by assuming that the OP's pockets are as deep as theirs.

Asking for £25 each for a 45 minute journey is taking the piss. A licensed taxi driver can make a profit, but the driver in this case can't because she isn't licensed. The journey will use up a couple of gallons at the most which is about £13 - £14, so the driver is hoping to make a profit out of her passengers of over £50. That is just not on.

But, if you pull out, it's not fair on others if you're expecting them to pay extra for hotel to cover your share

But they are expecting the OP to fork out for more things that were added on after she had agreed to go - from the OP : She's added things like a trip to the races, bottomless brunch, cocktail making

These weren't in the original plans @NeedToChangeName, nor was being fleeced for petrol money.

FacingDivorceButSad · 22/03/2024 14:56

I would respond "I'm not coming to the hen do or the wedding. Don't complain to me. Complain to everyone else" followed by the same tacky emojis. The bride is being a twat forcing you into the car and adding loads of stuff on. If people have expensive hen dos expect people not to come simple.

ForNaiceHiker · 22/03/2024 15:05

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 09:40

She's added things like a trip to the races, bottomless brunch, cocktail making.. and I originally was going to just get a lift there and back but they've railroaded me in to staying at the hotel and getting in their car.

so from the outset what was it going to be before the “extras”?

Redpaisley · 22/03/2024 15:08

Stupidliefromfriend · 22/03/2024 09:21

You sound like a nightmare.

Cancel and leave them to have a good time. You're squabbling over a few pounds no doubt and making life difficult for everybody else moaning in the group, ruining the buildup for the bride and leaving the work and organising to other people.

I know exactly the group member you are; runs late, holds everyone else up, never says thanks and always leaves the kitty just a bit short.

You also sound nightmare -over confident, don't bother to read properly, pick and choose details meeting your bias and then judge so harshly.

ForNaiceHiker · 22/03/2024 15:15

she’s only got 3 coming to her hen do.

You must be very close friends?

and are you friends with the other two?

Whoopsadaisy900 · 22/03/2024 15:28

Some people kill me with how important they think their wedding is to everyone else. "You had months to save for this" ok.. but what makes you think OP didn't have other things going on in their life over the last 9 months that they had to use their money for?

you can't expect people to start a "Fanny Annie's wedding fund" the second they get invited to your hen do.

I got invited to a friends wedding recently and she sent me a link to flights and hotel for her destination wedding.. over £4000 to be guests at her wedding. I think not. Politely declined, declined the hen do too, I just cba. I spent £3000 last year being guests at SIL's wedding which is fine because it's family, but no.

at some point you have to put your foot down, you don't live to attend other people's wedding I'm sorry but no.

Ihearditfrommyradio · 22/03/2024 15:31

Everyone suggesting polite messages to the group before existing...fuck that.

They have been incredibly rude, so reply in the same vain.

My message would be :

" Hello, having seen your reactions to my genuine concerns about the rising costs and the disproportionate amount being asked for petrol costs, I am cancelling my involvement in this Hen do, which I am sure will be a relief to all of us. I am not happy about the comments aimed at me, and I think we should call it a day on our friendship. Good luck to all of you in the future "

ForNaiceHiker · 22/03/2024 15:34

Ihearditfrommyradio · 22/03/2024 15:31

Everyone suggesting polite messages to the group before existing...fuck that.

They have been incredibly rude, so reply in the same vain.

My message would be :

" Hello, having seen your reactions to my genuine concerns about the rising costs and the disproportionate amount being asked for petrol costs, I am cancelling my involvement in this Hen do, which I am sure will be a relief to all of us. I am not happy about the comments aimed at me, and I think we should call it a day on our friendship. Good luck to all of you in the future "

sounds like something i’d expect the year 10 drama queen to flounce off with

ForNaiceHiker · 22/03/2024 15:34

Ihearditfrommyradio · 22/03/2024 15:31

Everyone suggesting polite messages to the group before existing...fuck that.

They have been incredibly rude, so reply in the same vain.

My message would be :

" Hello, having seen your reactions to my genuine concerns about the rising costs and the disproportionate amount being asked for petrol costs, I am cancelling my involvement in this Hen do, which I am sure will be a relief to all of us. I am not happy about the comments aimed at me, and I think we should call it a day on our friendship. Good luck to all of you in the future "

well you’ve just provided the entertainment for the hen do right there with that message 😆

Original poster

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 15:39

@ForNaiceHiker no she has about 20 people coming to her hen do, but the 4 of us have a group chat. I don't really know the others who are going

OP posts:

OriginalUsername2 · 22/03/2024 15:40

ForNaiceHiker · 22/03/2024 15:34

well you’ve just provided the entertainment for the hen do right there with that message 😆

Show quote history

If that’s the case, they’re fucking horrible and she’ll be better off out of it.

dapsnotplimsolls · 22/03/2024 15:41

Leave the group without further comment and message the bride to say you can no longer attend the hen do due to escalating prices and your changing circumstances. Leave it up to her whether she still wants you to attend the wedding or not.

ForNaiceHiker · 22/03/2024 15:43

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 15:39

@ForNaiceHiker no she has about 20 people coming to her hen do, but the 4 of us have a group chat. I don't really know the others who are going

so these people are all friends?? previously you have all presumably liked each other? cared for each other?

it just seems devoid of any kind of… well friendship!

ForNaiceHiker · 22/03/2024 15:44

is this the first time in this “friendship” where there’s been this kind of shenanigans?

ForNaiceHiker · 22/03/2024 15:44

i’d wager… not the first time

HesterPrincess · 22/03/2024 15:44

I'm so glad that my friends all got married 30 years ago and a hen party was a night in the local italian and a dodgy nightclub after with the aunties and mums all rat arsed and getting on the dance floor. Cost no more than £30 and everyone had a great night!

elm26 · 22/03/2024 15:45

Yeah I'd be leaving the group and telling the bride exactly what I think of her shitty friends.