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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the hen do?

520 replies

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 08:05

One of my friends hen do's is soon. Since it was planned my financial circumstances have changed in that I've had a baby and given up work.
It's getting more and more expensive with what she's added to it, and the girl I'm going with is wants more petrol money than is necessary.. so I said I'd make my own way (as DH/my dad won't charge me petrol money) I was told in the group chat no I'll be going in the car with them that way I can't be late etc, and even if I get picked up on the way back she still wants the same amount of petrol money. I've been told by the hen in the group WhatsApp "you've known about this for 9 months so you could've saved, please moan to the others and not me" followed by lots of "amen" and emojis from the others. My response was so you're asking me to bitch behind your back then. I can't save money I don't have.

Part of me feels like saying I won't be attending either the hen do or wedding, leaving the group chat and saying don't talk to me talk about me to each other!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Packingcubesqueen · 23/03/2024 20:21

£25 is taking the absolute piss. Don’t go, you won’t have any fun with this bunch of bitches. Do not give any money for things that have been booked either.

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/03/2024 20:22

SantaBarbaraMonica · 22/03/2024 08:07

Back right out of the lot of it. You don’t need people like that in your life.

This = don't go.

It will get worse, not better.

Xmasbaby11 · 23/03/2024 20:22

Ah no, OP, they sound v immature and not friends who have a positive influence on you and make you happy. I couldn't go along with their expectations for the hen do or the dinner party - do you think you have the same values as them? If not I would remove yourself from the friendship group.

longonee · 23/03/2024 20:27

To be honest I don’t think they really want you there
i went to a hen a few months ago and my friends were really considerate

pavedwithgoodintentions · 23/03/2024 20:29

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 09:39

She's wanting £25 each (from everyone in the car) for a 45 minute journey. I actually live closer to the destination than they do, so I would have to go back on myself to get a lift with them. It's near where DH works so he would probably nip into the office after dropping me off.

Hell no!

Pull out, just pull out.

THey're not your friends.

NellyWest · 23/03/2024 20:31

Save your money and go for a spa day. Alone, or certainly not with these bitches.

navigatingmy20s · 23/03/2024 20:34

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 08:05

One of my friends hen do's is soon. Since it was planned my financial circumstances have changed in that I've had a baby and given up work.
It's getting more and more expensive with what she's added to it, and the girl I'm going with is wants more petrol money than is necessary.. so I said I'd make my own way (as DH/my dad won't charge me petrol money) I was told in the group chat no I'll be going in the car with them that way I can't be late etc, and even if I get picked up on the way back she still wants the same amount of petrol money. I've been told by the hen in the group WhatsApp "you've known about this for 9 months so you could've saved, please moan to the others and not me" followed by lots of "amen" and emojis from the others. My response was so you're asking me to bitch behind your back then. I can't save money I don't have.

Part of me feels like saying I won't be attending either the hen do or wedding, leaving the group chat and saying don't talk to me talk about me to each other!

AIBU?

They all sound like awful people, tell them to fuck off and never speak to them again.

Life is too short to surround yourself with “friends” like that!

Hope you’re ok. Congrats on the new baby 🥰

Baba197 · 23/03/2024 20:37

They sound horrible! I wouldn’t be going and frankly wouldn’t care if didn’t see the bride or her mates again!

Bignanny30 · 23/03/2024 20:38

Sounds to me like even if you do go now, there’s going to be an bit of an atmosphere, which won’t be nice for you or the bride.

Imisssleep2 · 23/03/2024 20:54

Just say your not going, that's a really unfair situation they are putting you in and can't value friendship too much. Obviously just be prepared for it to ruin your friendship with the hen and any others you may know.

Babies are expensive and maternity pay is crap unless your work top up statutory so look after your best interests and if you back out/get uninvited to the wedding that will save you the money of a dress, present, travel etc too lol

coffeeandcake91 · 23/03/2024 20:55

With friends like those who needs enemies?

I wouldn't bother going OP. They are not nice people, and more likely than not already talk about you a great deal behind your back. I'd cut contact with the lot (including the bride).

Thepowerofwhodoo · 23/03/2024 21:03

I'd drop her faster than a sack of shit

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 23/03/2024 21:14

After your updates just bin them off. You don't need people like this in your life. Maybe when the bride calms down and she's less bridezilla (that is a thing), you can see if you can repair the friendship if you like with her, but the rest of them could get to fuck if I were you re them.

AmericanUgly · 23/03/2024 21:20

You don't have to pay the money. You don't have to have anything more to do with this, or these unpleasant bullies. You're free! No need to apologise - they're nothing to you now. Just a short, crystal clear message:

Hi all, I'm no longer coming to the hen do or the wedding. Best wishes for the future, Bride. I'll leave the group now and you won't hear from me again.

Then leave. No explanations, no hanging on for a reaction, no apology.

If anyone contacts you, say 'I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm no longer attending the hen do or wedding so won't be in touch any further'. Then block.

Epidote · 23/03/2024 21:22

Your life have changed recently a lot, less money, a baby and the responsibility of be a new mother. Yiu are tight with money and trying to squirrel away a few tenners because you don't have it. They sound like they are going to go feral in the hens do.
I wouldn't go, money aside, they look like they are in a different orbit than you right now.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 23/03/2024 21:26

I just wanted to add. If the driver doesn't like you for some reason, often there's not much you can do about one person disliking you, apart from to avoid them.

Years ago in my 20s, I made some new friends, then I met 'the driver', a woman who was a friend of all of them but not a close friend, she shared a house with one guy who was a millionaire but we all went out clubbing together. From the first night she met me she was as bitchy as hell to me and the friend who introduced us and thought we'd get on. So I had to do stuff like go to her birthday meal, go out clubbing and she'd be there (but not all the time thank god) and then she had to invite me to her wedding because everyone else would wonder why she hadn't invited me. Even there, she vetoed what I wore and was generally unpleasant to me. I got my own back though when she was back from her Aussie other wedding. Not going to say what happened but suffice to say her motives and marriage were seen very differently by some of her so called friends and I made sure she knew about it by telling her face to face (she got upset), and then after that, I didn't really see them much or I did, but I'd grown out of them. I don't think she or the others realised that yes, I've got limits and she pushed them. I have no idea if the 'driver' (this woman, I won't called her a 'friend' changed - she had a baby not long after and I'm sure I saw her then but then they moved to Australia. All I can say is she was one of the nastiest pieces of work I've ever come across, went on to study psychology and said something classic about me needing it to our mutual friend. What I'm trying to say, is sometimes if someone dislikes you for whatever reason, it's usually jealousy, with this woman I think it was that but she'd never admit to it. But I could never change her perception of me and had to put up with her glowering at me/being bitchy to me behind my back. And luckily as I saw her but not that much I could avoid her nastiness. So maybe this woman has done you a favour, you do not need people liker her/them in your life.

Amy1117 · 23/03/2024 21:27

Absolutely do not go. These are not your friends. Friends should make you feel included and valued. Drop them and don't go !

stichguru · 23/03/2024 21:32

Did you originally say you'd be going in the car with them? If so, that's what you should do. If the hen has added more costs, or you have less money, could you not back out of some of the things that haven't been booked yet, to keep the costs down? I get that it is costing more than you thought and your circumstances have changed, and pulling out of things that would be cheaper without you is fine. However I think pulling out of the transport is really rude because, unless without you they can take less or smaller vehicles, everyone else will have to subsidise your place. Even if your circumstances have changed, it's really rude to leave everyone else with a bigger bill than they thought.

RampantIvy · 23/03/2024 21:36

However I think pulling out of the transport is really rude because, unless without you they can take less or smaller vehicles,

Have you read all of the OP's updates @stichguru? The driver wasn't just asking for petrol to be covered. She wanted to make a profit of over £50 out of the passengers (which I'm sure is illegal if you don't have a taxi licence)

LT1982 · 23/03/2024 21:37

YANBU. Their attitudes are vile. How entitled is that bride. Like her hen do would be a priority for you to save for 🙄🙄🙄

LT1982 · 23/03/2024 21:41

How ridiculous to expect people to do all those activities in the current financial climate. Even just one of them would be pricy enough. Tell the bitchy Bridezilla you're not going and spend the money on yourself and your baby

Viviennemary · 23/03/2024 22:05

Don't let folk speak to you like that. Even though they might have a point in that you have had nine months to save there is still no reason for their bullying and rudeness. Don't go. You've made an effort to compromise and they said no. Tell them to piss off.

beehappy123 · 23/03/2024 22:06

You're not from Staffordshire are you? Haha I know a girl that sounds exactly like the driver. She would do things and arrange things that came across nice but in reality she was a bully. I kept it to myself as I thought everyone liked her. I found out years later everyone felt the same. She would say things but then act innocent when pulled up on it. Remove yourself from these mean girls and enjoy your baby ❤️

Alwaysalwayscold · 23/03/2024 22:06

Eugh a bridezilla with a gang of bitchy minions. Definitely pull out of it before the requests for more money for matching pyjamas start.

Codlingmoths · 23/03/2024 22:12

This is not a court mandated prison sentence ‘This thing has gotten more expensive every month and some of us are on mat leave, I can’t save what I don’t have. My Dh will be driving me down and back.’
and if they are bitches about it
’no one in their right mind would be going away with people who talk about me and to me like that. I’m sorry about your hens <bride> but getting married doesn’t have to mean your friends get treated like shit. I won’t be able to come to the hens. I hope you all have fun.’