To not go to the hen do?

[tiredandtesting123]

One of my friends hen do's is soon. Since it was planned my financial circumstances have changed in that I've had a baby and given up work.
It's getting more and more expensive with what she's added to it, and the girl I'm going with is wants more petrol money than is necessary.. so I said I'd make my own way (as DH/my dad won't charge me petrol money) I was told in the group chat no I'll be going in the car with them that way I can't be late etc, and even if I get picked up on the way back she still wants the same amount of petrol money. I've been told by the hen in the group WhatsApp "you've known about this for 9 months so you could've saved, please moan to the others and not me" followed by lots of "amen" and emojis from the others. My response was so you're asking me to bitch behind your back then. I can't save money I don't have.

Part of me feels like saying I won't be attending either the hen do or wedding, leaving the group chat and saying don't talk to me talk about me to each other!

AIBU?

Screw them. They are so wrapped up in booking and planning things that suit them and their budgets that you’ve become a passenger to it all rather than an included member. Shoving you in a room with someone’s cousin, dictating how you get there even if it doesn’t suit you and setting high petrol cost prices without discussion isn’t how you treat friends. Just don’t go. You’ll feel better. They aren’t nice people.

Great idea OP. Just state you’re not going because you can’t afford it and wish them
a good time. Leave the group and they’ll get over it.

They sound really mean though so I would question if they really bring anything positive to your life or if now is the time to drop them entirely.

You don’t need to apologise or offer any further explanation. Keep it lighthearted and wait for their reactions.

”@ hen I know I’ve mentioned to the group that I’m a bit worried about some of the arrangements and it turns out I’m not going to be able to make it after all. You’ll all be having so much fun you won’t even miss me”.

Then sit back and watch for fireworks or apologies. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

These people sound horrible. I hope you’ve told them you’re backing out and no, you don’t need to pay for the hotel!

These bloody group chats, facebook etc thank the lord that none in my immediate family do that crap.

OP, do what you want and if you are finding it difficult, just tell them how you feel and I bet you they wont bother you again, ever.

you are a sensible person considering money, family first.

This

I'd agree with everyone about not attending the hen do but seeing the bride is a good friend and has probably paid a deposit for your place at the wedding reception, you might still want to go to the wedding (or at the very least send an appropriate gift). As for leaving the Hen Do, even though the event content / cost has been substantially altered, you still owe the bride an explanation regarding your decision as you have accepted the invite initially. Be polite and to the point (simply say you can't afford it which is the truth) but no need to apologise as you have done nothing wrong. If the bride does not accept your reason and decided to un invite you to the wedding, then it's on her, she's not being a friend then.

I pulled out of my friends hen do cos I couldn't afford it and my friend totally understood she knows I'm gonna have a blast at her wedding. She also just messaged me this week saying hey I don't think I'll make it down for your 40th due to finances etc i also completely understand. If your friends don't understand and they are nasty about it they really are not your friends! My goodness it's life, things happen,situations change.

Unfortunately, your friend sounds like a doormat and the others sound like they’ve finally grown up and moved on. (Week long hen do, FFS!?)

No-one should feel obliged to spend their time and money on activities that don’t interest them. I don’t drink alcohol so I’ve only gone on one hen do as it was a meal followed by a trip to the theatre. If the hen do was a glorified pub crawl, I’d definitely decline.

What's the theme of this bloody thing, Mean Girls?

They can fuck all the way off.

In that cause message and say 'due to the rising costs and my opinions not being taken into consideration I will not be attending the Hen Do'
Then mute The group for a couple of hours, read the responses then delete the group. Message the hen and say 'I was prepared to come initially but as things have escalated beyond my means I have to decline the invitation to the hen do and wedding as my family comes 1st'
The hotel cost may increase slightly for those attending but will be minimal really as it's between 20 of them and now not your problrm.

I had a similar situation recently with my friends hen party. We were all asked a budget of which I said a max of £300 and then they proceeded to suggest things that were upwards of £400.

people who don’t have a certain autonomy on life don’t understand what budgeting is. It wasn’t necessarily the fact that I could afford more than £300 that bugged me, all in all, but the fact that I’d allotted that amount of money plus spending money and didn’t want to spend more on something that for what is just going to be a piss up abroad, and not much more.

(in the end I had a cry to my DH and he said he’d pay the extra as a present. But I almost said I wasn’t going, even after that offer.)

have a serious think about it and go with your gut. If these people are calling you out like that, are they really true friends?

After reading your posts OP it is clear that they don’t value you as a friend; you are there to lessen the financial burden on them by contributing financially. They sound very unkind and unfortunately it sounds like the friendship has become toxic. Not only are they forcing you to hand over money for a car ride that you don’t want or need, but they have put you in a separate bedroom to other 3 too. They don’t want you there so don’t go and contribute money. Focus on your baby and distance yourself from them. You will find better friends in time as you meet other parents at baby groups, school etc. No one needs the stress of having toxic friends.

What a bunch of arseholes these people are. Over the years I've not been to 3 abroad hen dos because at the time I just couldn't afford them, and didn't want to get into debt. All of these people are still my friends because they understood. I think sometimes these things turn into a way for one friend to profit from everyone else... personally I wouldn't go. Your priorities have changed and if they're proper friends, they'll understand.

Also YANBU at all but anyone who has made a comment is. I’d be holy tempted to send them a link to this conversation and air them out.

They sound like a toxic bunch of bitches. I’m organising my sisters hen right now, and going on a friend’s foreign hen in June, but at no point has anyone been pressured into attending any of these. In fact, only about 50% of our close friend group are attending the foreign hen due to financial constraints. We all completely understand, it’s not easy. Your friends sound awful, and it certainly wasn’t a classy move by the bride to add her two cents to the group chat. The driver trying to make a profit off you all (and a decent profit too unless she driving a vintage motor), should be embarrassed - it’s trashy! Stand up for yourself and tell them to feck off.

My thoughts exactly!

Op make new friends.

Don't go, having the stress of it hanging over you, for a hen and bossy 'friend', who's looking for the glory of organising the hen.

You don't have to explain yourself to them, don't tell them anything about yourself, your money or your family.
Text the bride, short and sweet.
Unfortunately I won't be available to attend the Hen, due to unforeseen circumstances.
Hope you have a good time.

Text the group, Unfortunately I won't be available to attend the hen. Have a good time.

Leave the group.
Block them on Social media.

If you get a wedding invite after this, reply you won't attend.
End off.

Promise you, you'll feel like a weights been lifted.
Your priorities have changed, your child and family comes first.
Good luck

If you are always late I can completely understand them wanting you to get into the car. However the way they wrote it and the amount of money they was is not acceptable.

How much was the original hen do going to cost you and how much would it now cost with all the added extras?

These women are nasty bullies and have chosen you as their target. Stand up to them , tell them that you’ve had chance to think and due to the additional expense you’ll not be coming to the hen do or the wedding . Then forget them & have no further interaction . X

She says clearly in her post that the costs have changed since she agreed to go. With things like this people need to be completely transparent about the costs from the outset so people can decide if it's in their budget or not. The fact that the change have now made it out of OP's budget is on them and it is shameful they are embarrassing her.

You are right that she doesn't sound close to them, not surprised, they sound like absolute dicks.

This is awful.

I couldn't go to a friend's hen party weekend years ago because the cost just got out of hand. Even when I tried reducing the cost like you driving myself there and only staying one night I was still expected to pay the same. It's easy to spend someone else's money. I got a hard time for it because none of them understood that I didn't have the money even though they knew my financial situation.

I remember clearly how someone I didn't know very well absolutely understood and yet my friends didn't.

When I organised a friend's hen party I made a point of not expecting people to fund it. I bought a silly present and people bought the hen a drink.

Tell them once and for all. You cannot afford it and you are not going

Don’t bother going all you will hear at the do is the chat … life goes on yours changed children are expensive this they will learn but this toxicity will haunt you and you don’t need it

Absolutely don’t go to the hen do! Very childish reaction from those in the group chat.
I’d see how the bride is with you before pulling out of attending the wedding though.

Theres always someone trying to profit from everyone else, as I’ve seen a few times over the years in hen do group chats!

These people sound awful.

’sorry bride, unfortunately Im not going to be able to come to the hen do after all.’