To not go to the hen do?

[tiredandtesting123]

One of my friends hen do's is soon. Since it was planned my financial circumstances have changed in that I've had a baby and given up work.
It's getting more and more expensive with what she's added to it, and the girl I'm going with is wants more petrol money than is necessary.. so I said I'd make my own way (as DH/my dad won't charge me petrol money) I was told in the group chat no I'll be going in the car with them that way I can't be late etc, and even if I get picked up on the way back she still wants the same amount of petrol money. I've been told by the hen in the group WhatsApp "you've known about this for 9 months so you could've saved, please moan to the others and not me" followed by lots of "amen" and emojis from the others. My response was so you're asking me to bitch behind your back then. I can't save money I don't have.

Part of me feels like saying I won't be attending either the hen do or wedding, leaving the group chat and saying don't talk to me talk about me to each other!

AIBU?

I love a thread where everyone is giving the same advice and reaction! These ladies are not your friends.

If I was you I’d pull out. You’re not going to enjoy it. It’ll be hard though to continue the friendship I imagine. It’s sad when friendships are ruined because of things like this.

I do wonder what their version of events would be. I can imagine someone complaining in the group chat could bring the mood down. If it was done in a way that seemed combative or argumentative I can see why others would be annoyed. Also at what rate were new things added? If it has been gradual there would have been earlier opportunities to address it. I do agree though that it puts people in an awkward position to continue adding things.

You need to do what suits yourself. Do you want to go but just make your own way? If so do that. If you can no longer afford to go/don't want to go then send a brief polite message to the group saying unfortunately you can no longer attend but hope they have a fabulous time etc

I would just not go. Bride sounds like a bitch. Friends sound greedy and entitled.

There's probably two sides to this, sounds as if you are unreliable.
However I think hen dos are very expensive and often not very enjoyable and if you've recently had a baby then I wouldn't blame you for not going.
The wedding culture now involves spending so much money and often it puts unnecessary pressure in guests.

I wouldn’t go to anything where someone spoke to me like that, and everyone else said “Amen” - it’s bullying.

It does sound like you can be unreliable but it doesn’t excuse that.

You won’t have a good time by the sounds of it.

There's definitely people around who'd try it on with petrol money, etc. I had this years ago.

I was in a more comfortable position than some friends I had, and I liked driving so I'd often drive us places and didn't ask for a contribution as I figured it would even out in the end as they'd drive me at some point.
My dh would usually pick us up after a night out which saved a taxi, and would sometimes drop us off, too.

If we got a taxi somewhere, I was asked to pay my share, which sometimes grated on my dh as he would be picking us up later and saving them all the fare back (we never asked for any money for doing so), so he figured they'd want to let me off paying a share of the taxi there, but because it's only about £2 I'd never said anything, and in the scheme of things, I wasn't that fussed about it.

If we drove further and the journey cost, say around £20, we'd split it 4 or 5 ways, if someone else was driving, but when I'd done it, I've not asked for money from them, and it was never offered.

A new friend joined the group, and they drove somewhere, which cost £72 in fuel, so I expected to split it 4 ways (inc the driver), and gave my other friend a £20 note. I was then told they decided it was £45 from each of us and they'd already paid it, so it was just my share left. I said £20 more than covers it (plus a bit for wear/tear and driving), and was told that it was so nice of this person to put themself out and drive all this way (somewhere I often drove us & not asked or been offered any money), so they wanted to cover her costs to show it was appreciated.

I ended up paying it, but it made me feel differently and like they didn't value it when it was me driving; it just seemed expected, and I was certainly not ever offered any petrol money, or even a drink as a thanks.

I then realised that this happened a lot, I was always expected to pay a share even though I did probably 70% of the driving and never asked for anything from them. The other way around, if I was one of them, I might ask for a contribution from the others, but not from them one who ferried me around a lot and never wanted a contribution for it. I would see it as a way to show I appreciate them.

I then pulled back on offering to drive. On days/ nights out that got organised regularly via group chats, they'd say A, B orC is driving, which is so nice of them, and it's £X each (which is often way more than it costs). Everyone would respond "that's great", etc, but I started to wonder if it's only me that paid that silly figure, because if no one could drive and they asked me to drive, they didn't offer to give me anything for it.

I think they saw me as rich and not needing the money, and although I'm more comfortable financially than they are, it would still be nice if they had offered, as it did start to make me feel used.

I distanced myself before covid and don't see them now.

They sound awful really and trying to bully you to go in the car. Just message them if you decide to go that you are getting a lift there and back and that's that. If they make another comment do not go. They sound like a group of playgroup bullies. Don't be getting stressed about it and congrats on your baby.

Didn't you read the bit where OP says she lives closer? They can lift share but she said she got railroaded in lift sharing and paying for the hotel.

I would not be going to any of it.

@tiredandtesting123 did you pull out yet?

These are previous messages I'd sent for some context, trying to be nice. But I'm just going to say I can't go. It's my babies christening the week after the hen do which is costing us, and not one of them has said they are coming but they were all invited.

She really is a cunt.

I’m glad you’re not going.

Let us know how they react.

Probably best - they really don't sound very nice people. Leave them to their own devices. 🌹

I'm going to message today and just say I'm sorry but it's just too much and I won't be able to make it. Then just leave the group and back off from them as friends. They have been bullying me, me and the bride were quite good friends then the driver joined the group and the dynamic changed. I don't trust her, I think she can be quite a stirrer and just doesn't like me for some reason.

Another example was we recently had a dinner party. Driver did starters, bride did mains and I was bringing desert. I never have been a baker and with a baby I don't have time to bake and it would just have been embarrassing. I saw a frozen cheesecake when shopping which looked lovely, so bought 2 and brought them along.

I was told I had "made little effort and X husband is allergic to nuts!" (how am I to know this is I'm not told) I should've made the desert myself as "all I thought along with a frozen cheesecake" Right.

Run from these bitches!!!

Absolutely 100% get out. How dare she be so rude to you 'haha you wish'. Drop out and and drop them and enjoy your lovely baby and DH.

I read the messages, the friends sound horrible. You're best off saying, "sorry I can no longer attend due to financial constraints". Then leave the WhatsApp group.

You're doing the right thing - but please don't include the word sorry in your message. You have nothing to be sorry for.

You had enjoyed the company of a group of friends and felt comfortable with them until the arrival of the "driver", who, for some reason, didn't like you. It happens. The problem is the people you considered your friends have followed the driver's lead and are also now bullying you. It says more about them than you. Withdraw with dignity and definitely no apology.

It's tome to withdraw. There are nicer people in this world who will be more than willing to be your friends.

They all sounds horrid. No need to waste time, energy or money on these people.
don’t apologise for not attending, just state the facts and distance from the whole friendship. Block and stay away from all the drama.

They don't sound like very nice people. They certainly don't sound like friends. I don't blame you, op. Life is too short to waste it on people who don't appreciate you or your frozen cheesecake, I'd be more than happy if my friends brought a cheesecake over! My friend brought a microwave pudding and a carton of Custard one evening, we all enjoyed! I would never expect her to have been baking all afternoon 🙄🙄🙄

I’d defo not go to the Hen do , I’d just say sorry cant afford it , will have to pull out , have a lovely time then immediately leave the WA group. I’d contact the bride and explain .. I wouldnt neccesarily not go to the wedding cos it’s not the bride organising the hen do.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by not going and backing off. These people are toxic. You don't expect that sort of bullying from adults. Hope the christening goes well.

Defo doing the right thing by saying you're not going. I agree, don't apologise for it.

I would assume they aren't coming. They sound horrible.

Just send a brief message to say you won't be joining them. Don't justify or explain your reasons, then leave the hen group chat.

I hope you have lovely weather for the christening.

Don't put the word sorry when your decline. I would explain exactly why you're not going to be bride. She can have a hissy fit if she wants. I wouldn't go to the hen or the wedding the way you are being treated.