DD wants a second gap year

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DD is nearly 19, her dad and I split when she was little and he was much more comfortable, he was mortgage free, made a lot more than I did. He was able to max out DDs childhood trust fund/JISA allowance each year. His parents also saved for her (she is the only child and grandchild on that side, I have other children). Basically on turning 18 she had nearly half a million available to her. She lives with her dad from 10-18 and our relationship is a little fraught.

She decided to take a gap year, in August she left on a one way flight to Bangkok and hasn't been home since. She's met an Irish boy who I don't know if he's her boyfriend or what but they seem to be travelling together now. I'm happy she's out exploring. I don't know how her dad's managing the money with her or if she just has full access, but she's doing cheap hostels etc. so I imagine he's regulating access. She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven. She has deferred entry offer for Law at a really good uni.

Tonight we planned a call, I asked if she had any idea when she would be home. She said she probably won't be back this year, that her dad is coming out to meet her soon. I asked about uni and she said she doesn't want to study law anymore, maybe wants to do languages or Physiotherapy? Is undecided, wants time to decide.
I asked her plan, apparently her and this Irish guy are going to head to Australia around July, do a working holiday for 5-7 months, then head off to South America for 6 months!

I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be and I don't think another gap year is in her best interests?? She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts? She wanted to study law forever and now it's caution to the wind.

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally? Otherwise I fear she will waste all this money just travelling and regret it when older

Just as other posters have said she is going to make her own path. My daughter has saved about 10k and is about to book her flights to Thailand, thankfully with friends but what she decides after that is on her. Hopefully she will come back and take up her university place but she also may not.

One of the most interesting people I know is now 35 but didn't get her first "real" job until she was 26.
She took her time, travelled, had fun, she's seen so much of the world!! She's now making really good money, is happily married to a man she met at 19, lost touch with for 3 years then reunited with! They have a little girl together and are so happy.
Admittedly she now lives in Australia, I think this can be the case for a lot of people who do long term travel, once you seem all there is to the world, rainy grey britain loses a bit of her charm!

Let her take her time, it will be ok!

Your ex didn't alienate your daughter, you did. Grow up. You have your replacement family and it's clear to her, and most of us, that that is the case.

That will be wonderful if she eventually decides on physiotherapy or languages rather than law. There are so many law graduates who are unable to get training contracts unless they have contacts in the business or a USP.
Physios are in a position to change lives for the better and that extra year of travelling will give her maturity although worrying for you.

What an amazing experience for her, honestly. My dd went on a gap year travelling and got caught out with Covid and was unable to return home or take up her Uni place for nearly three years, she finishes this year, it's been absolutely no detriment to how she's settled at Uni, and the experiences she's had so far will stay with her for a lifetime.

It sounds like a good opportunity, I wouldn’t fund it.

OP hasn’t funded her child since she was 11 give it take so no fear of her giving her any money now.

Why on earth does it matter if she starts uni in her 20s? I will never understand this mindset of rushing young adults into university / the workplace. They have their entire lives to be working with a house and bills. Let her enjoy her life! She'll never get this time back again.

There is a disadvantage in leaving uni until over 21 is that all the other first year students are teenagers of 18 and new to alcohol and making noise until 4am

Sounds like she has a lot of money behind her so the likelihood would be that she would be living alone

As someone who spent 18-30 both working abroad and backpacking I say it’s the absolute best thing you can do! The world is huge and beautiful. It sounds as though she’s travelling responsibly, working along the way and budgeting, not just spending half a million on fancy hotels and partying. Let her enjoy! Also, much better for her to wait a little and know what she wants to study when she’s ready to, that way she’ll be more driven to work hard at it and won’t waste time studying something she doesn’t want to. There are a lot of mature students these days, so being a little older isn’t a problem.

What an amazing opportunity for her. I went to university at 23 and I wasn’t even the oldest in my class. If money isn’t an issue for her, let her find her own way.

Let her enjoy it. Don't damage your relationship. She's an adult having an amazing experience. By all means chat with her dad and see what he thinks. Maybe he can put your mind at ease.

having read through it sounds like yes dad had the money so she had more access to things but you didn’t make the effort to go and see her on trains etc as you put your other kids first. You could have all gone in car once a month to build sibling relationships for a weekend visit. Maybe to her point of view it looks like you don’t care about her. If she wants to blow all the money the. That’s on her. So long as she doesn’t come looking to you to fund uni. Some people travel permanently and are perfectly happy.
you said you won’t travel to meet her somewhere because of your other kids needing you. Husband can take time of work to care for them if it was important enough to you. Yes it’s expensive but you could save. If you went to a cheap country like Thailand as opposed to Australia.
let daughter know that you are always there for her to listen etc and accept that she doesn’t want or need you as much as you would like.

Let her do it! She’s young, free and has the money to do it. Travelling and meeting new people will change her. Let her decide what degree is right for her. She’s got the rest of her adult life to be working and paying taxes! Good for her, I wish I had her confidence when I was that age. I went straight from 6th form, to uni and into a job. Have a travelled a little, but not much. Best of luck to her!

She doesn't have to let her do anything. Her daughter is an adult, using her own money. She doesn't need her permission anymore then you do.

As a mature student studying nursing at 30, the pressure of going straight to university at 18/19 needs to stop they’ve just spent 13/14 years in education they’ve not experienced the world and then their told they have to think about what they career they want for the rest of their life. Let here experience life.

YABU - although you feel you have good intentions it does appear to be controlling. I'm guessing that's why she spent most her 10/18 age at dad's. Let her life, have fun.

The timeline appears to be that 9 years ago you had another child and your daughter moved away to live with her dad. Now you have said many reasons why that happened but no appreciation of how that would make her feel. That in the last 7 months you have spoken to 3 times which isn’t a lot at all and have no plans to see her because of your other children

I went to uni at 18, I was far too young and became incredibly depressed. I left went home and worked for a few years. Went back at 21 with a clearer view of what I wanted to do and had the time of my life. Not once did it matter that I was 3 years older than some people, to be honest a lot of people I met had also taken a few gap years. You’re an adult for a long time. There really is no rush. I’m a teacher now in my 30s and I don’t regret a moment of my 20s!

In the nicest way possible your daughter is an adult, you didn’t save this money for her. It’s nothing to do with you what she does with it.

Your daughter sounds happy and very very lucky.

Let her go off and focus on your life.

I wouldn't worry. It's far better for someone to go to university when they actually want to, to do something they definitely want to do. Mature students tend to do better academically.

It would take quite a lot if work to go through half a million in 2 years hostelling or doing working holidays. Maybe talk to her about investing some of the capital if you don't think her dad is already on it.

Sounds like she's still a driven person and what driving her at the moment is adventure. It doesn't sound like she's drifting. University is not going anywhere and her life will hopefully be long. If she has the means then let her spend a couple of years finding herself

But that shouldn't necessarily be default that kids live with their mother. When my parents divorced I CHOSE to live with my Dad. My brother chose to live with my Mum.

Mum hadn't done anything bad to me at all. I was just a " daddy's girl" We had a perfectly good relationship even when she moved away

And it was probably even more skewed towards. Mum keeping kids then ( early 80s)

Time to sit back and keep quiet, let her talk to you about her plans but as soon as you start making negative comments - she will stop talking to you. With a fraught relationship anyhow its not worth it.

If you do tell her what you think she will do she will not listen anyway and do what she wants - so you'll be on a riding to nothing and it likely she will stop talking to you as much. the more you push back against her plans the more she will go the other way

Thing is at the moment she is experiencing different countries, talking to different people in hostels - similar sort of age etc and her world has opened up from her childhood of wanting to study law.

Maybe when she gets home she will have different ideas

but my advice for now is to listen to her stories about her travels, enthuse about what she is doing and wait until she comes home because likelihood is she will have changed her mind again

I’m happy for her OP.

she was set on a law degree and a gap year has clearly given her the breathing space to decide what she really wants to do. she won’t crash and burn at uni in a degree she doesn’t live.

a working holiday in AUS is great experience and she is working. Not just travelling.