DD wants a second gap year

[Longstorylittle]

DD is nearly 19, her dad and I split when she was little and he was much more comfortable, he was mortgage free, made a lot more than I did. He was able to max out DDs childhood trust fund/JISA allowance each year. His parents also saved for her (she is the only child and grandchild on that side, I have other children). Basically on turning 18 she had nearly half a million available to her. She lives with her dad from 10-18 and our relationship is a little fraught.

She decided to take a gap year, in August she left on a one way flight to Bangkok and hasn't been home since. She's met an Irish boy who I don't know if he's her boyfriend or what but they seem to be travelling together now. I'm happy she's out exploring. I don't know how her dad's managing the money with her or if she just has full access, but she's doing cheap hostels etc. so I imagine he's regulating access. She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven. She has deferred entry offer for Law at a really good uni.

Tonight we planned a call, I asked if she had any idea when she would be home. She said she probably won't be back this year, that her dad is coming out to meet her soon. I asked about uni and she said she doesn't want to study law anymore, maybe wants to do languages or Physiotherapy? Is undecided, wants time to decide.
I asked her plan, apparently her and this Irish guy are going to head to Australia around July, do a working holiday for 5-7 months, then head off to South America for 6 months!

I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be and I don't think another gap year is in her best interests?? She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts? She wanted to study law forever and now it's caution to the wind.

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally? Otherwise I fear she will waste all this money just travelling and regret it when older

I do think a lot of lawyers hate their jobs, so I wouldn't worry too much OP! she's probably dodged a bullet there.

Of course.

But it's not okay for parents to dislike their children

You’ll damage your relationship further if you interfere, there are plenty of slightly older students - law is a very intense course there’s no point I doing it half heartedly. She can go back later. Is her dad a lawyer - she may be growing up and realising she doesn’t need to follow the same path if so.

If I was her I'd buy a house or flat {£500k should buy somewhere unless in certain parts of country- houses tend to increase in value {Or have done up to now}.
Edit..The house could be short term rented out if a cash purchase.

Lucky her! definitely born with a silver spoon in her mouth.

I think a lot of people could benefit from waiting a while before starting their degrees. I started mine at 18, chose completely the wrong course and had a lovely (but very expensive) few months messing around. I changed to a different course the year after and left with a 1st class degree and a scholarship for a masters.

I don't regret my first go at university... but it would have cost around the same amount to go travelling instead, and that would have looked far better on my CV.

She's fortunate enough to have some financial breathing space so I think she's doing the right thing waiting until she's sure about a course and ready to buckle down.

It sounds fantastic, she'll have some great memories.

Do encourage her, she's got the rest of her life to work.

PS does it matter what nationality the boy is?

Wow! I can understand you're worried because of all the change and uncertainty but honestly I think it will do her the world of good. She'll mature so much and be far more able to handle uni. I wouldn't give it a second thought that she'll be 2 years older at uni. Both my DCs are at uni and they both have student friends of a range of ages.

Choosing to fully abandon her when she made that choice is a reflection of your parenting. As is choosing to have two more children when in your opinion you could not provide for the one you already had.

I'm not saying this to be horrible. I'm saying your post is excuse, excuse, excuse. You are the problem OP. You need to really own that and change things, before you get to a point where your daughter doesnt give you the time of day. Or repeat the same issue with your other children. Remember, they too will grow up knowing you abandoned their sister. You need to take responsibility and stop blaming other people.

Oh OP! You seem to have massively dropped the ball with your daughter. I feel sorry for her and would be very hurt if my mum had treated me that way. You basically prioritised your new family and three children, and just left your eldest daughter to her own devices with her father. And now you want an input in the decisions she takes in life? That’s really not fair.

Bloody hell!

No wonder she doesn’t bother with you.

She sounds like an amazing young woman and that’s all thanks to her dad.

I hope she continues having a great life and experiences and takes no notice of her bitter mother.

You says she’s nothing like she used to be. Well what do you expect? Used to be, when? She’s an adult now, and her teen years have been spent with her dad. She’s seen what the rest of the world has to offer and doesn’t want what she wanted before. You can’t blame her really, this country is a shit hole, run by tyrants and it rains constantly. If you wanted the best for her you would be encouraging her to see as much of the world as possible to find the absolute best place to settle.

You've got an answer for everything OP. You're the one who sounds self centred.

So:

You didn't pay maintenance.
You didn't do anything with the money you should've been paying to put away for her.
You stopped taking her to her hobby.
You couldn't be arsed to learn to drive or get the train to see her.
You prioritied your new family over your daughter.
You dont bother calling / contacting her apart from a few sporadic phone calls.
You call her derogatory terms (self centered) etc.
you message her dad demanding information.
You want to talk to her and tell her not to chase her dreams.
You actively shoot down her dreams of being a travelling physio deeming it not very possible / successful.
Your new kids were more important than hopping on a train to see YOUR DAUGHTER.
Everything is either her fault or her dad's fault, so you pass blame.

You need to start taking accountability.

I'm just gonna say it, you're a deadbeat mum to her.

No wonder she classes herself as an only child.

We are a long time dead and too few years young and fit - what a wonderful opportunity for her to learn and experience the world. She's got the rest of her life to 'conform' and have responsibilities and deal with all the boring grind-you-down grown-up stuff of life. Let her live and celebrate her youth and freedom.

That sounds wonderful!
The way the world is going, the ability to travel freely could be taken away at any time. As it was for a couple of years just recently and no one could go to the next town.
If she is getting to have all these wonderful experiences while she is young, she will be all the better and more mature for it.
Thank goodness she didn't marry law and be stuck with a childhood decision that doesn't suit her adult self.

She's 19, the money side is between her and her DD, nothing for you to worry or think about.
I work with many older uni students, so this is also a moot point.
I would question your own motive OP because she hasn't even told you if this lad is a BF or just a friend, if you had wanted a relationship with her you would have fostered one years ago like you are doing with your 'new' children.
Leave her be like you have for years if you want her to phone you occasionally, if you don't you are likely to never hear from her again.
Like someone said upthread look in the mirror and figure out what you can do for your first child instead of being bitter and dare I say envious of this young woman who is hopefully having the time of her life.

Also

'I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be'

Neither are you... you used to be a mother to her but fully abandoned and replaced the family you had with a new one. You didn't just change a dream you had as a child, you ditched out on your responsibilities that you brought into the world.

How come you can 'selfishly' change your whole life at the expense of everyone else but she can't change her mind on what career she wants?

The updates suggest her dad’s reply to you was more than fair and perhaps more than you deserve.

So you had a second child, she moved hours away and instead of learning to drive and sorting some childcare so you could see your daughter at weekends and maybe go to watch her play tennis you committed yourself financially and emotionally to two more kids. If my child moved hours away you bet your life I would be moving nearer to her not cosying up with my family 2.0 and forgetting all about her.

This. She is doing the right thing for her right now.

You sound jealous of your own daughter who is having an amazing experience. I admit I’m envious. I’d never want to stop my own child from seeing the world.

Given your limited contribution to her life, I’m surprised your ex’s response wasn’t far ruder. I’m surprised your DD bothers with you at all given how little you’ve bothered with her!

Your updates are interesting. It doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship with your daughter. I think, if you want to keep her in your life, the only thing you should do is show her you support her in whatever she wants to do. You haven't really earned the right to interfere, have an opinion, or give advice to her as a parent.

OP, I don't like to post things that can come across as criticism, but it really does sound like your eldest daughter was pushed aside for your new family. Try to see it through her eyes.

Hi OP, just thought I'd tell you about my DD as it may be reassuring.

My DD did fantastic at A-Levels, 2 A* and 2 A. She didn't really know what she wanted to do so covered a few different subjects.
She had money from my husband who had passed away. She went on a gap year, a while travelling around SE Asia, 2 months in India; then went to Australia. Spent 4 months of her time in Australia in the Gold Coast, she learnt to surf, did some paid work, got tennis lessons and had a ball. She then went off with some Australian man who's just graduated in the January to South and Central America. So 2 year gap year, similar route to your DD.
She came home and settled on sports science, did really well, enjoyed her time at uni, did little weekend breaks to explore Europe. She graduated in 2022.
Took another gap year, did a bit of Africa then by March made her way back to Australia and New Zealand, went to Fiji and all sorts. She decided to apply for an extended masters at a university in the Gold Coast. Not necessarily the prestigious university but she wanted the life style. She's doing her extended masters in Physiotherapy. Has reunited with the Australian from before in the 2 months she's been there and is having a ball.
She will likely never come home, she loves surfing, I imagine she will do ok finding a job in Australia and she loves her life now.

It will work out ok, don't stress!!