DD wants a second gap year

[Longstorylittle]

DD is nearly 19, her dad and I split when she was little and he was much more comfortable, he was mortgage free, made a lot more than I did. He was able to max out DDs childhood trust fund/JISA allowance each year. His parents also saved for her (she is the only child and grandchild on that side, I have other children). Basically on turning 18 she had nearly half a million available to her. She lives with her dad from 10-18 and our relationship is a little fraught.

She decided to take a gap year, in August she left on a one way flight to Bangkok and hasn't been home since. She's met an Irish boy who I don't know if he's her boyfriend or what but they seem to be travelling together now. I'm happy she's out exploring. I don't know how her dad's managing the money with her or if she just has full access, but she's doing cheap hostels etc. so I imagine he's regulating access. She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven. She has deferred entry offer for Law at a really good uni.

Tonight we planned a call, I asked if she had any idea when she would be home. She said she probably won't be back this year, that her dad is coming out to meet her soon. I asked about uni and she said she doesn't want to study law anymore, maybe wants to do languages or Physiotherapy? Is undecided, wants time to decide.
I asked her plan, apparently her and this Irish guy are going to head to Australia around July, do a working holiday for 5-7 months, then head off to South America for 6 months!

I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be and I don't think another gap year is in her best interests?? She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts? She wanted to study law forever and now it's caution to the wind.

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally? Otherwise I fear she will waste all this money just travelling and regret it when older

I dont actually think travelling is the issue. She will be fine even if she takes 3 years out. Having access to such a large sum of money at 18 is more problematic.

The only reply you should send is

’thank you, I’m still worried about her, always will, but I’m happy you’ve both got this all safely sorted’

Let her.

This woman has ZERO say in her life... not only is she an adult but this person isn't even a mother too her and checked out of her life ages ago.

Imagine thinking she even gets a say never mind can 'let her' do anything.

No one regrets going travelling. People regret not going travelling.

As for her degree, some people choose a subject when they’re young without really knowing what it involves or what other options are available.

I wish I'd had the money to do this when I was young. What an adventure she's having and experiencing so much that will no doubt have positive effects on her outlook in the future.

Honestly I think it’s a great idea

She doesn’t know what she wants to do and she’s gaining some experience travelling and then will get work experience in Australia

No point going to university if you don’t know why or what, and lots of people delay these days

Also I went two years late, and it wasn’t enough of an age gap to matter even then.

With respect, I think the person with regrets will be you OP. You could have saved the “maintenance” money in an ISA so that you could also make a contribution to her financial future.

You haven’t had any real input into her life for sometime, and trying to “parent” after 18 isn’t realistic. Perhaps you should focus on developing an adult relationship with your daughter. Take a genuine interest in her plans and travels - maybe the phone calls would be longer/more frequent if you just listened and didn’t judge her choices.

University will be an option whenever she feels like it. The law will always be there if she changes her mind. The more you push on this the more you push her even further away.

What an awesome life for a young girl, she sounds like she's experiencing loads, seeing everything and having an absolute blast.

I think YABU to expect her to have a plan for her life at 19 and to expect her to not change her mind. She is still young and it's better she takes time to figure out what she really wants to do now instead of doing an actual degree and changing her mind.

There is no right timeline for anything. Uni isn't like school where everyone is the same age and it doesn't have the same significance as in school. I met one of my best friends at uni and she is 3 years older than me. Just support her, it will do far more for you relationship.

There’s two parts to this.
Firstly; leave her with her plan for uni. You won’t change her mind. She might change it, and as she matures she might end up with a better plan that suits her more. She might not go to uni and find a career that she doesn’t need a degree for. She might do OU in her 30s. It doesn’t matter. She’s safe, happy and supported financially. What more could we want for our children.

The second part is your relationship with her. She’s at a very selfish age. Leave alone the stuff you can’t control, and just enjoy what you know. Like and comment on her posts. Ask her more about what she’s doing and listen without judgement to her stories. Hopefully she will naturally come closer as she gets older but you can’t force it. If she comes back anywhere in the uk even for a short length of time make the effort to see her. Something is better than nothing.

I’m sorry that she has lived apart from you for so long, that can’t have been easy.
As everyone has said, she won’t look kindly on your advice over this, the best you can do is support her from afar.
I wouldn’t voice your opinion to her , or her father.

I hope everything works out well for you all

It sounds like she is having an amazing experience and how lucky is she that she has £500k to start her off in life, she can go to university when she's finished travelling. Being an adult is monotonous and boring at times, there's little point rushing it!

I totally understand missing your child desperately, I totally would but I'd be delighted that they were seeing the world and experiencing other cultures and countries.

Personally found uni a waste of time, wish I’d gone exploring. Instead I’m in a job of no relevance to my degree in over 61k debt with student loans

If not at uni she would be working, she’s working and exploring. We will work as a younger generation longer, let her enjoy

I’m so jealous!! What an incredible position to be in to have grade to pretty much study whatever she wants and funds to see the world and actually learn about herself and what she enjoys!!

I wish I had spent less time working and more time travelling as backpacking is so incredibly enriching and I’m getting into the “older” category for doing it with too many responsibilities at home to do it for longer than a holiday.

Support her, have her back and be a safe place that she can always come home to. Don’t project your worries on to her as you will only push her away, live vicariously through her and be someone she wants to tell all about it.

Let the girl live and experience amazing things. Be there for her but don’t try and control her and what she does. It won’t end well no matter how good your intentions are

I was 22 when I started uni, there was other people on my course in their late 30's on the same course

I travelled the world for years and went to uni at 24.....still still a degree, a good job ajd started a family in my 30s.

Why on earth should she go to uni just because her peers are. She doesn't have to do everything at the same time....let her live her life the way she wants to.

I went to uni straight out of school and left half way through as I realised the course wasn't for me. I then worked full time for a few years in an office job, did some solo travel during that time in my annual leave. Then left to do a working holiday in Australia for a year, ended up staying for two years plus travelled in NZ after. While I was in Australia I realised what career I wanted to do and applied for uni. so when I came home I started my course age 27 and graduated last year as a social worker. Travelling will likely help her figure out what she wants to do in life.

I did the course at the right time for me. With the nature of the course, there were a lot of mature students. Your daughter won't be the only one going to uni a bit later. Many of the students who came straight from school regretted not taking time out in between and were planning on doing so after graduation. She will learn so much and be way more ready for uni life than her peers who went straight from school.

If she was financing it herself that would be one thing but she is essentially burning through a lot of capital like some heiress, without the education, skills or job experience to back her up when the money runs dry...so yanb

I think travelling teaches you so much. I have done two undergraduate degrees. The first I was the same age as everyone else and bimbled through and got a 2:1. The second I was about 5/6 years older than everyone else and really pushed myself to get the qualification I wanted. I worked so much harder, studied harder, had more life experience. I got a first. I now have a master's too and don't work in either of these fields.

There will be no right or wrong way but maybe she has realised that she doesn't want to do law. As she's 19 she might change her mind again. She could go to law school complete it and never use it to become a lawyer. I think just trusting her and talking to her about what she's doing and her experiences is all you can do.

OP, you’re worried about your daughter but you don’t have a close relationship. She prefers to be close with her dad.

I imagine this hurts but I think be supportive from a distance and let her know you both support her in all her decisions and that your door is always open to her.

After that, I think send regular texts and pics to keep her updated with you and the rest of your side of the family.

You may never have the relationship you want with DD but you can let her know she’s loved and supported.

2 things - my son did three years post 16 1 yr level 2course then 2yr level 3 course he then took a year out so he will be going to uni that little bit later at almost 21 plenty of mature students these days so I very much doubt her having a couple years out will effect her.

The second is life is so so short I've had numerous friends who have passed away before they turn 40. If she wants to spend her money travelling while she can, she should I would love to see the world but unfortunately I just don't have the money for that.

Going to uni later is certainly not a bad thing, law is difficult and lots of people change their minds having finished the degree, I think it's advantageous that she has changed her mind beforehand.

I can certainly see why you wouldn't want her to have immediate access to that amount of money, it can be blown so easily at any age let alone 19, but she sounds sensible.

I think allot of people are massively underestimating the damage that one parent can do to another's relationship with their child, especially when they are in a position on power (they have the money/time).

Its easy for him to prioritise her, he's loaded and has no other children! A decent coparent would not use that to their advantage, however he sounds like he does. The fact that he hasn't spoken to you about the money and how best to arrange it says allot.

Trying to force a relationship with a teenager that they don't want its very difficult!

Just keep the lines of communication open OP, keep inviting her to things, even if you know she won't go. Write her postcards, engage on social media, buy little inexpensive things you think she will like. Eventually she will be less under the influence of her father and (hopefully) she will remember the effort you put in.

Oh and get excited about her trip, she's going to go anyway! Look at some interesting things she could visit whilst she's there. Tell her you cant wait to see the photos, you know she will have an amazing time although your sad you won't see her for a while

Explain you wish you could come and visit her, you would love to see the sites with her.