DD wants a second gap year

[Longstorylittle]

DD is nearly 19, her dad and I split when she was little and he was much more comfortable, he was mortgage free, made a lot more than I did. He was able to max out DDs childhood trust fund/JISA allowance each year. His parents also saved for her (she is the only child and grandchild on that side, I have other children). Basically on turning 18 she had nearly half a million available to her. She lives with her dad from 10-18 and our relationship is a little fraught.

She decided to take a gap year, in August she left on a one way flight to Bangkok and hasn't been home since. She's met an Irish boy who I don't know if he's her boyfriend or what but they seem to be travelling together now. I'm happy she's out exploring. I don't know how her dad's managing the money with her or if she just has full access, but she's doing cheap hostels etc. so I imagine he's regulating access. She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven. She has deferred entry offer for Law at a really good uni.

Tonight we planned a call, I asked if she had any idea when she would be home. She said she probably won't be back this year, that her dad is coming out to meet her soon. I asked about uni and she said she doesn't want to study law anymore, maybe wants to do languages or Physiotherapy? Is undecided, wants time to decide.
I asked her plan, apparently her and this Irish guy are going to head to Australia around July, do a working holiday for 5-7 months, then head off to South America for 6 months!

I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be and I don't think another gap year is in her best interests?? She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts? She wanted to study law forever and now it's caution to the wind.

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally? Otherwise I fear she will waste all this money just travelling and regret it when older

Nothing wrong with physiotherapy- it's a transferable skill and you can work anywhere in the world. With law you're stuck in one jurisdiction. And students do degrees at all ages

I can't help but wonder, OP, is it you think she should be sharing her wealth with her siblings. That is the only way I can understand you'd think she's self-centred

The thing is though... they aren't her siblings, and you aren't her mother. You turned your back on her when she was still a child. I can almost guarantee that she thinks you abandoned her. Not because of anything you think her Dad said, but because you DID.

If you cared anything about your daughter you'd be glad that she's living her life and enjoying it. If she's on the fence about what to study, why should she commit to a degree that could be a waste?

No one knows what the future holds. Travelling and experiencing life is far more important than a degree as she'll gain interpersonal skills, independence, maturity, and a stronger sense of self. She'll also have amazing memories and unlikely to have regrets for not making the most of her life while she could.

Yep I studied an medical degree... it sounds impressive but is fucking useless as I can't afford to work in the NHS (starting at the bottom is so underpaid and the jobs are being dropped fast) and don't have the links to get into private practice.

I'm the only one from my background (family or friends that went to uni) and really I picked an interesting 'academic' degree that sounded like it would have loads of potential, it did not.

People who went straight into work at 16 with no further education are doing better than me.

It breaks my heart for your daughter that you can’t even for a second think about how she may feel about what happened when she was 10. You sent her to live with her dad because you made a new family and it wasn’t convient for you to have an older daughter anymore. She’s likely got complex feelings about the children you went on to have because you replaced her.

also driving is not an excuse and no one would say taking your young child to visit your other daughter at a weekend wouldn’t be prioritising them. I understand from your perspective this isn’t the truth of the situation but she will view things differently. She will have her own truth and that will be impacting on your relationship, your ex didn’t need to do anything to damage it, your actions did.

also she sounds like a level headed teenager who is experiencing life, you’re very lucky she turned out so well. Which should be your attitude towards her during your calls. not judgement.

I hope if she ever decides to confront you for the damage you’ve done you are able to give her a sincere apology and tell her how much you regret your decisions. While perhaps unintentional you abandoned her and this will have a long impact on how your daughter experiences the world

This, plus you seem to have a significant level of dislike and venom for her
Equally she's an only child, she was never going to work well with siblings, even to this day she barely recognises them, never asks about them and if asked would say she doesn't have siblings. She is a partially selfish and self centred kid.
Do your other children ask about her all the time? Wonder why she doesn't live or visit?
And why on earth would her father fund you on a trip?
Agree with pp, you @Longstorylittle are jealous of the money and feel it should be yours and other dcs?

Why would you not only marry but have children with a person who made your daughter feel so bad that she left home at 10? Surely your main priority should be fixing the mess you have made of your relationship with your child and not her travelling plans.

I went on a 6 month around the world trip at 21 and stayed away for 2.5 years, working my way around. It was amazing. Let her carry on - she can work out uni later.

Why point out he’s an Irish lad, why not a lad? Seems a bit judgemental and racist. She will learn a lot through her travels, just advise her that money attracts all sorts.

How on earth is it racist to point out he is Irish? I would assume the context being that he is someone also travelling and on the move. Rather than an Australian that may have influenced her decision to stay there next year…

Such an opportunity, whilst I know that you miss her, she is only young once. Univ

University will still be there in 2-3 years, and with grades you can apply at any time

I was denied a gap year by my parents and pressured into a Law degree because I was “intelligent”. I just went along with my parents expectations (I am strongly suspected Au-ADHD) and it nearly killed me in uni. My mental health was very very poor and I just felt so out of control and I was suicidal most of the time.

I later spent some of my later 20s traveling, Got into volunteering and trained in children’s charity work and it redeemed me and saved me.

My only regret is that I didn’t pursue it earlier.

please let your DD make her own choices and don’t force any degree expectations on her. You could do more damage than good.

Oh and to be a lawyer, have a degree in another subject then conversion course is if anything more desirable

I actually think it's better for her to travel now and be young and free. Then when she comes to study at uni she will have a much clearer idea of what she wants to achieve and will have more head space to settle down and really apply herself to her course. Uni is so expensive now, you really want to be getting the best out of it. I don't regret my time but I often think how much more I would have made of my uni education if I'd had a few years working and partying beforehand. I probably would also have picked a different course.

I think you need to reserve your judgement here. It sounds like she's going to have a great financial start that most people would be envious of. She's not going to struggle and she's not going to be too old for uni once she gets there - there's lots of students of different ages! Are you sure you're not judging based on what you want rather than what's best for her?

Let her live her life. Maybe speak to dad to make sure some money is put by to ensure she can set up home wherever she decides to stay. But what an amazing opportunity. Travelling, seeing the world, learning who she is and what she wants from this life. Law is a stressful career, and I'd imagine it'd be a little bit more difficult to uproot and take that career off to a new country on a whim. Studying languages and physiotherapy, I would imagine, would open far more doors if she chose to travel again. The big romance will most likely fizzle out and she may return home for a while after that. But thus is what she should be doing at 19. Exploring. She has the whole of the rest of her life to work and pay bills.

OP if you were to re write your posts from your daughters point of view what would they say?

When parents are separated I see no reason where older kids can’t spend more time with their father. Your ex didn’t act in the best interest of your daughter in that he should have put effort into keeping her relationship up with you. However, for the sake of your relationship with your daughter now I think it would be worth reflecting on a few things.

There were clearly good practical reasons for her to live with her dad. However if I was her I’d struggle to understand why my mum who said she couldn’t support my hobby because she didn’t have time went on to have more children. Think of that from a child’s/teenager’s point of view. You built a whole other family while she lived someplace else & didn’t see you that much. I’m really concerned that you say she is selfish when it comes to her younger siblings. Id wager she’s deeply hurt and feels rejected. If you wanted to see her if was up to you to make that happen. You didn’t prioritise her, you prioritised having more children.

One thing that jumped out at me from your posts - the daddy’s girls, mummy’s boys. I think that narrative can be very unhealthy. It’s one I’m guilty of myself with my own kids, I don’t know whether it’s personality, age or gender but I find myself more willing to spend time with my boy. I’m very mindful of it and want to ensure that my daughter never feels that she is somehow lesser.

Id qualify all of the above by saying it’s easy to judge others. We all make decisions for a multitude of reasons and it’s easy to judge in hindsight.

Id really urge you to speak to your daughter when you can about your relationship. Acknowledge that you understand you living so far away and building a family without her may have been hurtful and ask her if she’d like to discuss it. When you are speaking to her make it about her - her needs, her feelings.

Also work through your feelings about money, your daughter and your ex. Your other children won’t have the same opportunities as your daughter and that will bring up its own emotions all around.

The uni thing will sort itself, she’s young and bright with money behind her, she’ll be fine.

I'd be more concerned about the company she's keeping rather than the two years of gap year. Definitely speak to the dad to understand the situation more. It's your right as a mother to ask questions. I'd also tag along the trip just to check this irish boy out since they've been spending so much time together.

And it’s the dad’s right to tell her to mind her own business, as indeed he has. OP’s daughter is an adult and hasn’t lived with or been financially supported by her mother for nearly a decade. OP really has no authority here in any way.

lol totally unreasonable. And I can see why your relationship is what it is. She an adult and you haven’t been primary in her life for eight years. She has a plan, it’s just not your plan. It’s great she’s realized she doesn’t want law. Hopefully she goes into physio. Support her, and bring up points about deciding her future like ‘think about where you want to live and the hours you want to keep - nurses and teachers are pretty standard, can work anywhere. Physio you can own a practice and set your own hours. Engineering you might be a consultant in the city, or working off shore or in a remote mine. Language… I have no idea. Government?

overall she’s an adult. Adjust your relationship. It’s great she’s getting all this life experience, it will only help in the long run.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, I understand that you’re coming from a good place. She seems to be really sensible as she’s visiting Australia and working, so isn’t going to be living a full party lifestyle blowing all of her money (which is what I would have probably done). but that being said, life’s a short trip and she’s experiencing what most people dream of, in a few years time life for her will likely be 9-5 and possibly a family of her own etc… I would let her spread her wings and have her fun, these moments are what we all should be living for, if the opportunity is there❤️

Love this, she is so young and good for her for seeing the world. She's got plenty time to figure everything out. I wish I had done some more travelling either before or after uni.

I was 21 when I went to uni. By the time I was in my 4th year all my friends and future DH were in their 20s. Most of the original 18 year olds had dropped out.
A lot less 18 year olds start and go through than you might think. A lot leave and change their minds. In my opinion it's better to know what you want to do than incure the debt from dropping out in your first year.
I also found a lot of unworldly 18 year olds insufferable and felt a lot more comfortable at my second uni 2 years on.

Your username is fitting.

OP, make her buy a home with her half mil in a good area where it will appreciate like London and then let her do what she wants.