Buying a house with in-laws

[ohmyohmy123]

My in-laws are in their 80's - both DH and I work full time and have children, pets etc. we live quite close and try our best to support them. They are now at the point that they need regular care which is difficult as we take turns to visit each evening but they are isolated and lonely and it's hard work to try to leave - they find jobs for us to do or complain we've not been there long enough.

DH sibling lives too far and sees them once a month so it's all on us.

They have a cleaner and a gardener but complain about having to pay people when they have family near by. They expect my children to support with gardening etc (they are 12 & 14 and do lots of extra curricular activities so rarely get time. They do small
Jobs like putting their bins out each week but with 2 hours of homework each evening and their clubs I don't feel it's fair to expect more from them.

I cook at their house twice a week to ensure they see us all together but it's not enough for them and they still complain they haven't seen us.

I have seen a house big enough to house us all to enable us to care for them whilst having our own space. It would mean them giving the money from their house sale to help fund it.

I have discussed this at length and father in law is on board- however mil is saying that it isn't fair to sibling as they should have half of the house sale. Whilst I appreciate this - we can mortgage partially to cover it. Sibling is quite precious about it and everything has to be "fair" so they wouldn't be happy about it incase we got more than them.

For example in laws wanted to help us buy our first marital home but sibling complained so they had to half the money between us.

DH says they won't do it because sibling would be unhappy etc. To me it's not about money but about quality of my time. Preparing meals, cleaning, gardening etc whilst raising my children and cooking, cleaning in my own house. It they lived with us it would be easier for me and I know that's selfish for me - but DH expects me to pick up the slack as his job is more physically demanding (mine is mentally demanding).

It is affecting the relationship with my own family as my own mother is on her own and has needs but I always have to prioritise in laws so my mum misses out on my time. I still manage her money, do her shopping etc but she then feels guilty asking for help as
She knows I'm stretched.

I don't really know what I want from this thread - time management advice? Tell me to man up and make DH do the care for his parents, suck it up and get on with it?!

Fil does not want to ever go in a home and it's been the unwritten rule that we will care for him.

Whose unwritten rule is that? Do you get any say in the matter? I’m sorry - but no. And if they are so keen on “fairness”, the expectations should be exactly the same as DH’s sibling.

I can only think of one situation where there’s that sort of unwritten rule” arrangement - but that’s for a couple who have financially supported their kids all their lives, built them houses and looked after their grandkids on a pretty much daily basis. So I suppose there’s some genuine reciprocity there. But what you’re describing? No way.

“I’m so sorry if you found my request to reside together unreasonable but it came from a place of wanting to help, and realising that the current arrangement isn’t working, as I’m struggling to balance helping alongside my own needs and the needs of my children. Moving forwards I’m going to have to reduce the help I can provide but I’m happy to help you find and interview carers who can take over some of my responsibilities. I appreciate that will have financial implications for the inheritance your son/daughter is worried about but hopefully they feel that is fairer than what we proposed. Of course if …. (Insert bil/sil’s name here) feels that it would be fairer for them to take on half of the caring responsibilities I’ve been doing then I’m sure I could provide that level of support moving forwards”.

My DF doesn't want to go into a home either, but my unwritten rule is I won't be delivering personal care ( unless it's an absolute emergency) for my DPs, or indeed anyone unless I absolutely cannot avoid it.

I think he has changed his stance though as a dear neighbour of theirs is really struggling at home, even with carers four times a day she is soiling herself and is unable to do anything except lie in her bed, and would be much better cared for in a home, so they're now saying throw us in a home when we get to that state. We haven't really addressed the whole what happens between now and then.

I probably sound hard hearted, but I have worked hard all my life and am still doing so. There's a huge difference between providing companionship and facilitating caring and being a skivvy.

My dad didn’t either. Ultimately the time came when there was no choice. Quite apart from all the other issues, if they’ve sold their house and given half the proceeds away that will be seen as deprivation of assets if they run out of money to pay for care. It’s a rubbish idea.

OP, your husband sounds as selfish now as his parents have become.

Buying a house with in-laws is a crazy idea, both from the point of view of your mental and physical well-being and also legally with possible funding needed for care in the future.

I can't believe you've been emotionally blackmailed into thinking it's your duty to do so much for them and that at the expense of your own children and mother.

The worst decision you made was to move near them but that's done now. Pity.

Don't do it.
What if one or both near to move in to a carehome? How would this be paid for? They might need to release capital from their share of your house and you might have to buy them out or sell and move elsewhere.
They are at their healthiest now and any needs will only increase and will no doubt be disproportionately landing on your shoulders.

I can't believe you've been emotionally blackmailed into thinking it's your duty to do so much for them and that at the expense of your own children and mother

I can - because that's what all too easily happens with selfish seniors and a DH who believes this is "wimmins work"

As others have noted, at no point have the DPs considered enough is already being given; instead the demands are ramping up and this will continue, doubtless with plenty of "Ooooo but what can we dooooo" and probably a bit of "We're living too long" (late, exMIL's favourite phrase)

Which is why there's really no solution except to step right back and let the immediate family deal with this

Do not buy a house with your in-laws. You will burn yourself out helping out and listening to complaining from your in-laws. Step subtly back and start putting your children, your needs first. Stop stepping in to any dramas or emergencies for them. Occasional yes do step in. Allow others like your husband to see the level of input required. Allow your in-laws to see they cannot manage what they own at this point in their lives and allow them to make decisions based on that. Gardening, meals and cleaning can all be paid for from disability money and pension money....that is what is for. Up to them if they want to downsize but they may not as they may be thinking of passing on the house to offspring with stipulations. please let us know how things pan out in the future months/year

And be aware of when others including your husband are trying to emotionally manipulate your feelings using guilt/ bringing bad luck/ sob story.

But if your husbands sibling wants everything to be 'fair' surely they should be helping out with the care, even if it is doing an online food shop each week and having it delivered, and managing their utilities etc. that can all be done remotely?

I think you should be less available, and your husband should have to do more, it doesn't matter that his job is more physically demanding, they're his parents! By all means help out, but you shouldn't be doing the bulk

This. You are going to end up being their full time carer.

Do not buy a house with your in laws, you will regret it. Priortise your children. I've seen families move in together as you describe and they've all fallen out, it's been a disaster and expensive to unpick let alone the emotional fallout.
You are doing too much. They need to buy in help. Many old people cry poverty but have money stashed in the bank (My own mother-in-law included). You are a better person than I am, as hell would freeze over before I did the amount you are doing or even contemplated all living in one house no matter how big it was.

YANBU - do not move in with them, see them once a week if you’re happy to! They’re not your parents and maybe they need to downsize and outsource even more!

BIL may not get any inheritance as they may need care instead. I would only even consider living with them if there was no risk to you losing the home when BIL wanted his inheritance. You’d have given years of your time and lives to care for in laws living with them so it would only be fair to keep your home. But as BIL is already worried about losing out on inheritance then just don’t do it.

If anything, move further away so you get a break! Your children need you and you should be able to prioritise your mum over his!

Husband needs to do 50%. Sibling needs to do 50%. Fair’s fair, right? You have your own parents.

Terrible idea op, agree with everyone else.

If your BIL is adamant of equality why isn't he doing an equal share of their care?

He needs to move closer to them and split care responsibilities with his brother

'Dp I'm absolutely worn out with the mental and physical load that caring for our parents is having on me.
Your parents are in an entirely unsuitable home that they can't cope with, they're refusing basic help now and trying to force me to fit those voids.
I've had enough, I've tried speaking to you about it and we've not achieved. So this is my new boundary.
I will be in charge of sorting carers, help for my mum and you'll do the same.
We can visit my mum on xday and I'll cook at her house for us all.
We can visit your parents on xday if you cook for us all.
I think we need to take a good look at the care we can conceivably offer our own parents without damaging our own home and relationships. All parents need to mind our time and capacity too. They need to accept that we are not their social circle and need to make lives while they still can.
This isn't up for negotiation as I've tried before and still have gotten stuck with the vast majority of caring work. I've gathered some carers, home helps, cleaners and gardeners who should lift the load and our parents will have to recongise that they pay or it won't happen. Then we can start to enjoy popping round for a brew and natter without the threat of hard labour'

Apologies if someone has already posted this but it might be an idea to browse the Elderly Parents section of MN. It will illustrate how and why this idea of buying a house together will lead to you being overburdened and suffocated by the needs of your ILs. Women bear the brunt of the caring needs of our ageing population and it is not a sustainable solution. The only way governments will be forced to address the crisis properly is by women refusing to shoulder the burden at the cost of their own and their children's happiness and health.

Don't even think about it. They need to move to a bungalow and get carers in. If your DH won't accept this, he can give up his job and move in with them.

Prioritise your own family. Do not move in with your in laws. It will be a disaster. And
let your DH step up. Disengage from this and see your own mum more often.

As everyone has said, back away slowly and start prioritising your children and your own mother. Just because they say "jump" doesn't mean that you need to say "how high?".

I apologise if I have the wrong end of the stick but I have to ask - are you worried about how your DH will act if you say 'No more'?

Change the bedding? For gods sake, you have children, a house to run, a career...and your in laws are asking you to change their bedding?! They are taking the piss!

Good grief op...your PIL and your husband view you as an unpaid skivvy.

And to the detriment of your own mother, children and personal wellbeing.

Put boundaries in place now and stick to them. Put your own mother first. Your PIL have two kids of their own to put up with their selfish and entitled demands.

Hi know you’ve had loads of replies already OP but this is bugging me so much I can’t not reply.

Even ignoring the practicalities, the reason this is a terrible idea is because their attitudes and your response will not change, and sharing a home will make it much worse.

Your OP is full of: “they expect”, “they complain”, “it’s not enough for them”, an “unwritten rule”.

if they move in with you they will just expect you to do MORE and more and more. For the next TEN plus Years. And it sounds like you will do whatever they expect. YOU are the one who will be worn out and miserable. Don’t be a martyr, stand up for yourself.

You need some boundaries too. “We’re coming to see you on Sunday at 2pm, we’ll have a nice cup of tea and a chat, and you can show DGC your childhood photos [or whatever]. Give DH your list of jobs after our cuppa, but we’re leaving at 4pm so you might want to prioritise the list”. “No sorry as I said we’re leaving at 4pm, I heard Beryl has a great handyman, you should get his number from her”.