AIBU my partner won't attend any social or child events

[user1467403859]

I have 4 children. My partner is father to my almost 4 year old. He also has another child.
All children similar age (teens) and get on amazingly, we have holidays together and I love his child as much as my own.
We were very on and off but being back together for 1 year now and all is good. But over the past few months he has gone back to not wanting to do any events.
Close friends parties, couple events, refused to look at schools for our child, refused to attend parent evening, refused to attend our daughters first stage show (even though I spent over £100 on tickets), refused to attend presentations, literally nothing. He even refused to attend our child's christening.
Now if he was going to be alone I'd understand, however his friends attend these events (his friends not mine might I add. He works with some of them and we all get on well. His friends have asked me why he won't attend and have even tried to get him to come). I'm sick of being the only 1 sat without my other half. I'm sick of listening to people ask me why he doesn't want to watch his child perform on stage. Or recieve a trophy. Its embarrassing.
We don't live together, but these events always happen when he is at mine and he chooses to sit by himself in my house while I go out.
I've snapped tonight. An invitation for our daughters nursery graduation..... a family day and in previous years the staff have made videos of children from them being babies to leaving. He said said.... "you're going, I'm not". I've replied saying you. And not spoke since......
Am I the arse or should he be making an effort to attend things,expecially for his child.
For context we both work full time mon-friday and these happen on weekends. So not a case of anything stopping him.

Im so upset for you.
It sounds like hes not really a part of things, just using you for his ' dose ' of female company ( there are men like that.)
Why kid yourself ( hes anything more???)
Open your eyes. Is he getting good experiences while chilling at your gaff.
Youre being USED, Big Time.
There must be something in it for YOU.
Does he pay your housing costs?????
You are the only one in the ' RELATIONSHIP' ( if not)

Have you two ever sat down and had an. Adult conversation about this or is it you saying do this go here be there and him saying no. Sometimes an adult conversation can work wonders

Are you sure he’s your partner or are you just like a booty call for him?

You don’t have a partner and it sounds like he’s preparing to leave again. My ex stopped the events, nights out, everything socially when he was getting ready to bail on us. It all made sense when he ran off with someone else

Undiagnosed ASD?

You're his bangmaid

Time to get rid and claim more than £30 a week. That's an insult

Hope you work things out OP. You’ve been unfairly bashed here and people could have pointed out his behaviour in kinder ways.

You sound like a really lovely person and either he steps up to be the man you need, or you’ll find someone who will want to.

OP have you thought about what example you're setting to your DD in all this? Im sorry you're in this rubbish situation and I know its going to be tough but please get rid!!! Genuinely think about your situation and if this was your DD in the same position would you be happy? Would you tell her to leave him? Your standards are clearly so low its actually damaging to your kids and the way they see relationships. This is not healthy at all. Hes not good enough, end of. Dont allow this any further

This is really hard for me to read. I had a dad like this. He almost certainly has some neurodivergence and just doesn't like people. Hates small talk and just likes his own stuff and never cared about any of my stuff or interests. He never saw a problem with it. I just assumed he didn't love me as much as he did watching sports. I did everything possible to make him proud, but he never was. I have needed years of therapy to realise that it wasn't my fault. I wished my parents had divorced. At least then I wouldn't have internalised it all. I have only said LTB three times in over a decade on MN. You get my fourth. Leave him.

Just so you know even putting into the calculator that he has your child overnight 1-2 times per week with a £30,000 salary his CMS payment should be almost double what he gives you, £59.16/week. If it's 2-3 nights a week then it drops to £49.29. Seriously use the calculator, add both your names, print the result and ask him to increase his payment to you. He needs to contribute to the cost of raising his child, the bigger issue as legally this is enforceable but attending her events you can't force and you shouldn't have to he should want to support his child financially, practically and emotionally. At least you can force the financial part. Maybe the salary I'm using is too high, you'll know what he earns but it's highly unlikely he'll be expected to pay less than the £30 he gives you now so you're only going to be better off. Sorry this thread has made you feel bad, but things can only get better now your eyes are open to how unfairly he is treating you and your child.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Is it possible he has depression or bipolar?

Well to be honest yes you are cheating the system. You have someone staying over at the house 3 days a week who works full time and is your "partner". You refuse to live together because you want other tax payers to pay your childcare costs. What do you think every other working couple do? They pay for their own childcare! Theres no reason really why you cant live together and pay childcare costs like the rest of us if you both work! You are taking the piss

Exactly!!! OP is playing the system but refuses to admit/see that!

He is not your partner.
He's some guy who booty calls you when he wants because he's happened to establish the biological tie of a child.
I know this comes across harsh but that's the truth that's staring in your face unfortunately. It's up to you to decide whether you want more of the same for the rest of your life, or move on and either have a more stable life on your own or be open to meeting someone who actually cares about you and your children.
This guy doesn't. It's clear as day.

Wish I could vote for both, depends on the perspective for the unreasonable, sounds like he's going through Mental Health issues around Social Anxiety and Depression, avoiding those closest to themselves is the biggest indicator.

Why has your child slept over at her grandparents’ house for two nights a week since she was born? THAT is weird, in amongst all the other weird things you and this man do.

Is it?

Exactly this!

Simple truth- you’re not in a relationship. He’s the child’s father so I suspect whether you’re “together” or not he will still do babysitting or his mother will. Just what is he spending his money on? £30 a week and a meal out. You need to know why he’s refusing to attend - if it’s social anxiety he needs to seek help for you to give him any more chances. Does he go out on his own with friends? He could be depressed but more likely he’s bored with the dad thing. Sad but it’s just how some men are. It’s not fair on the kids that he doesn’t attend. If you get on well with his mother- you could start inviting her, tell her why though - don’t lie for him. Then at least the kids can see they have a grandmother that cares even if Dad doesn’t.

This been posted on reddit months ago????

Not from me it hasn't

So update..... I am now officially single. I am not being used and I absolutely deserve the best. Thank you to everyone that has offered me advice. It is appreciated. Its strange how different the world is when you take off Rose tinted glasses......
Also to the person that said its strange my child has slept at her grandparents????? Well I went back to work when she was 4 months and they looked after her because it was lockdown so not the best to have her in nursery until the nurseries opened full. Why would I not allow her family to look after her. I think it's strange that you find it strange. I hope when the time comes I'm in a position to have my grandchildren too.

Congrats OP, you’ve got this

Well done!

There’s a world of difference between “she doesn’t want him to move in and contribute properly because their joint earning means she looses out on benefit to pay for childcare “ and her circumstances rendering it physically intangible for him move in because he literally refused contribute the financial equivalent to the household income that she’d lose when she cancelled her single UC claim and single adult CT discount 🤷‍♀️

I don’t know why they turn into adults with such a callous and pathetic attitude to living up to their parental and familial responsibilities, but these men do exist. I had to beg and beg the father of my first two children to leave so I could claim Tax Credits. When we moved across the country for his job, I paid everything up front for six months because I’d received a large injury compensation pay out. We’d discussed the divide of the bills but when the time came all he would pay for was the rent, the loan he took out to buy furniture for our first house and his car. I was working two jobs, paying out childcare, all utilities, all food, shoes and clothing. I was up to my neck in debt, wearing bras with the wire poking into my arm pit and walking everywhere because he refused to entertain the idea of paying for my driving lessons or use his car “because I wouldn’t be contributing to it”, while he was buying the newest high performance hardware for his computer every few months. He’d give me tit bits or extra money here and there if I gave him sex. He was also like OP’s “partner”, had no interest in his kids or their world. Not my proudest moment, but I resorted to cheating on him just to make him leave, so I could get myself out of the rut I was in. Of course, he initially refused to pay more than £120/maintenance because he was “still paying off debt that you benefitted from” despite him earning twice as much as I did.