AIBU my partner won't attend any social or child events

[user1467403859]

I have 4 children. My partner is father to my almost 4 year old. He also has another child.
All children similar age (teens) and get on amazingly, we have holidays together and I love his child as much as my own.
We were very on and off but being back together for 1 year now and all is good. But over the past few months he has gone back to not wanting to do any events.
Close friends parties, couple events, refused to look at schools for our child, refused to attend parent evening, refused to attend our daughters first stage show (even though I spent over £100 on tickets), refused to attend presentations, literally nothing. He even refused to attend our child's christening.
Now if he was going to be alone I'd understand, however his friends attend these events (his friends not mine might I add. He works with some of them and we all get on well. His friends have asked me why he won't attend and have even tried to get him to come). I'm sick of being the only 1 sat without my other half. I'm sick of listening to people ask me why he doesn't want to watch his child perform on stage. Or recieve a trophy. Its embarrassing.
We don't live together, but these events always happen when he is at mine and he chooses to sit by himself in my house while I go out.
I've snapped tonight. An invitation for our daughters nursery graduation..... a family day and in previous years the staff have made videos of children from them being babies to leaving. He said said.... "you're going, I'm not". I've replied saying you. And not spoke since......
Am I the arse or should he be making an effort to attend things,expecially for his child.
For context we both work full time mon-friday and these happen on weekends. So not a case of anything stopping him.

Why are your expectations of this man so low? Why doesn't he look after his own child regularly? Why doesn't he pay a proper amount of maintenance given the child lives with you? Why are you the only one paying for nursery when it benefits you both?

'You have decided to not be in a partnership. So you chose to not be a partnership to get benefits but then moan when he doesn't act as your partner.'
Why is this on the woman? Why didn't he step up considering he earns 10k more which would cover her U.C losses.
Its not 'you' have decided...'they' have...and im sure it benefits him more..keeping that money he earns rather than supporting OP and his child.
Actually, this is on him for being a weak peter pan who wants it all for fuck all

Why is he not contributing to childcare costs?

The central question is why are OPs standards and expectations so low? Did the world end and is he literally the last available man? Was OP’s last partner equally selfish and emotionally stunted so this seems normal? Is this how OP’s family worked?

What is meant by he “went home to his family?” Where do his teens live?

I feel really upset about this, I absolutely do not, or want to be ever referred to as a benefit cheat.
It is not my fault that he wouldn't/ couldnt pay. So i literally told him if he isnt going to then he cant live here. I think he might have wanted me to claim as a single parent still. However the more comments coming are showing me (in black and white) that where as I'm the one working to provide for my family. He is not. I am not a cheat at all. He however maybe is,
We haven't spoken yet. He did message me asking if I was picking our child up from nursery because previously I'd asked him to because I had an appointment. I just replied back saying I will..... because I know that today is Friday. And he will automatically come here. This month I've told him my bills have increased (my council tax is now £200 a month for example) and he didn't offer to help. While here he uses my home to eat. Relax, shower,...... I think if anything. He is the one cheating the system isn't he? I'm now feeling incredibly shit that all the while I've been teaching my girls to always work and never expect a man to do it.... and my son that he isn't to fund a women's life style. That men and women can both work, can both parent.
But looking at it..... I've not done it. I've taken everything on myself. And effectively done everything for him.
Really..... I am a single parent and a single women.

My children gave me more than that when they started work....sounds like you're a cheap date for him. He lives with mummy, plays on tractors and doesn't look after his child is he 12?

I think you've lost sight of how not normal all this is OP.

He pays £120 per MONTH for his own children even though he works. You seem happy with this because he pays for one meal at the weekend!

The only people I've heard not attending their own child's stage shows, parents evenings, and christenings though choice are completely deadbeat absent dad's.

But you're actually asking if you're being an arse for getting upset about it?

Of course not. And I'd break up with him, because he doesn't contribute anything to your family anyway, claim for CMS, so he can at least financially contribute the legal minimum and never get back together on the basis that he 'changed' to win you back, not for himself or the kids. I can't imagine how awful my kids would feel if they were performing in something and I didn't go and they found out it was just because I couldn't be arsed.

Is there a point to him?
For the sake of your children get rid asap, doesn't sound like you would even really notice

How does SA stop him paying proper maintenance for his child? Stop him caring for his child? His friends come to the various functions so he's not so bad he doesn't go out with them but suddenly anxiety hits about being seen with his child or the mother (refuse to say partner)

If it's the case that he refuses to pay and that he instigated the separate homes thing then yes he is the cheat and I apologize. In which case this is a much bigger issue than him not going to the odd event with you. You last sentence 'Really..... I am a single parent and a single women' sums it up. You know the relationship isn't right. I'm sorry.

So what else do you do....nothing really the minimum one meal a week and an odd holiday but your child never does anything with him really so no good role model or memories there.
Are you sure he lives with his mum not another woman.

I just went on the CMS calculator... If he earns £35k a year (I'm assuming around that if his take home is £2200 per month), his child spends no overnights at his home and no other children live with him, then he should be paying you £294 a week!! The £30 a week is an absolute joke.

Get rid of him and start claiming CMS. Why does he get to save all his money?! Plus he's probably not even paying rent living with his parents. Greedy, lazy bastard.

He is an ex who is it interested in being part of your family or an involved Dad. No mystery here except why you can’t see this.

#@user1467403859

So things and events that are important to you in some way,
he can't be bothered to show an interest in them,

that's very telling

He would have been single from the day after the child's christening. No way. I am not a parent of my husband.

@user1467403859

You might aswel be single whats the difference? 🤔

He’s just not that into you or the child - he’s a babysitter but that’s about it. You’re single really - find someone who your children can look up to. Why on earth you’re wasting your time on someone who doesn’t really care about you or your poor child’s beyond me. Sperm donor and babysitter at best.

He sounds absolutely awful. He couldn't be arsed to go to his own child's christening? He doesn't care about going to parents evening and finding out how they're getting on at school? Doesn't want to watch them in a play?

He is not proud of the children and doesn't care that they'll realise he doesn't give a shit about them. They will honestly start noticing that he is never there if they haven't already.

One day, when the children are grown up they will realise what kind of parent he is. I'd be ashamed if I were him. He just cannot be arsed with them and it's really sad.

So basically, the father of your child 'gives' you £30 a week and that's the only actual financial or emotional contribution he makes to you or your child's life? He doesn't live with you, doesn't attend his children's school events, presentations, performances etc, isn't interested in what schools they even GO to, your relationship is 'on and off' and yet you still describe your relationship as 'all good'?

This man is not your partner. He's... he's just nothing. You are a single parent and he is a fucking recluse. Can you not see how dysfunctional this insane situation is?

He didn't attend his own child's christening??? Even though his friends did???

This has to one of the most bizarre things I've read on here!!

And £30 a week is not enough to raise a child, you know that!!

Please for the sake your own sanity and children, bin this bellend!

Ditch him, claim via CMS (doesn’t affect benefits), and teach your kids that you don’t give grumpy losers a free ride in life.

What an asshole.

I'm glad you're starting to see him more clearly Op. He has all the benefits of having a partner and a DC but none of the drudge work of parenting, he pays next to nothing for his DC and refuses to do anything he doesn't find fun. Him not moving in was a blessing, he'd probably be no better if he did live with you. He's not really a DF, more a family friend who drops by weekends

She doesn't want him to move in and contribute properly because their joint earnkng means she loses out on benefit to pay for their childcare which other couples earning what they do have to pay for themselves and also she will lose her single persons discount for council tax. So despite saying they aren't after the benefits she actually says that's why.

In that case you need to claim proper child maintenance from him.

The fact you aren't is what is making ot look like an "arrangement on paper only".

Either you are a sole parent and hebis a non resident parent who should be paying maintenance or he isn't.