AIBU my partner won't attend any social or child events

[user1467403859]

I have 4 children. My partner is father to my almost 4 year old. He also has another child.
All children similar age (teens) and get on amazingly, we have holidays together and I love his child as much as my own.
We were very on and off but being back together for 1 year now and all is good. But over the past few months he has gone back to not wanting to do any events.
Close friends parties, couple events, refused to look at schools for our child, refused to attend parent evening, refused to attend our daughters first stage show (even though I spent over £100 on tickets), refused to attend presentations, literally nothing. He even refused to attend our child's christening.
Now if he was going to be alone I'd understand, however his friends attend these events (his friends not mine might I add. He works with some of them and we all get on well. His friends have asked me why he won't attend and have even tried to get him to come). I'm sick of being the only 1 sat without my other half. I'm sick of listening to people ask me why he doesn't want to watch his child perform on stage. Or recieve a trophy. Its embarrassing.
We don't live together, but these events always happen when he is at mine and he chooses to sit by himself in my house while I go out.
I've snapped tonight. An invitation for our daughters nursery graduation..... a family day and in previous years the staff have made videos of children from them being babies to leaving. He said said.... "you're going, I'm not". I've replied saying you. And not spoke since......
Am I the arse or should he be making an effort to attend things,expecially for his child.
For context we both work full time mon-friday and these happen on weekends. So not a case of anything stopping him.

Be spends more on things he enjoys.

Then split for good. Christmas him was the fake him.

No, he is fine and asks to go

Half reminds me of a friend whose partner refused to go to any of their 3 daughters traditionally girl related events they were participating in (ballet shows, dance competitions etc) cos he felt he was far too masculine to do so 🙄

OP my partner suffered hugely with social anxiety when we got together. He was fine if we were going somewhere where he didn’t know anyone and wouldn’t need to interact with people, so theatre was fine, dinner out too, because he could be anonymous in a crowd.

Social events where he would have to engage with people filled him with huge anxiety. He’s better but even now years later he’ll dodge things if I let him. I do if it’s not important and sometimes I’d go to the kids things on my own.

Can you explore this with your partner? Come to a compromise if he’s otherwise a good person in your life?

So he has said that we don't need to do everything together. That's his reason why.

He doesn't want to be a family. He wants help with his kid, a guaranteed fuck and someone to go with him when HE wants to go somewhere. You're little more than a fuck buddy to him by the sounds of it.

He lives with his parents, earns £10k more than you and contributes a whole £30 a week and the odd takeaway. And can’t be bothered to take an interest on his youngest child.

I agree with the others: what is he for? He sounds like a child rather than an adult.

I simply don’t understand how he ‘couldn’t afford’ to contribute properly to your household when you lived together. It wasn’t ‘making up for your lost UC and council tax discount’; it was simply paying his way.

I take it he’s contributing very little at mummy and daddy’s. What does he spend his money on?

He's just a babydaddy/sperm donor. He's not your partner in the true sense of the word, he's not a good father. If you didn't contact him for a week, would he get in touch?

He clearly doesn’t have social anxiety. It’s entirely selective to whether he wants to do something.

Your poor 4 year old is growing up with the very clear message that her dad just doesn’t care.

Is he hiding from something he's done in your community? Eg) affair.

Who cares anyway, he's not worth the effort of worrying. Your poor child.

I can't get upset about someone not wanting to attend such a non event as a "nursery graduation" which I guess would mean taking time off work for.

Also you seem to be saying you don't live together because you won't get benefits because between you you would earn to much to qualify. That's how life is. You have decided to not be in a partnership. So you chose to not be a partnership to get benefits but then moan when he doesn't act as your partner.

As for the christening I assume he didn't care if his child was christened because if he did he would have gone.

I don't think he sees himself as your partner whereas you mistakenly do.

You don’t live together so he is not your partner. He is the father of your child but that isn’t the same thing. Does he consider you as an ex? If so, I can understand his reluctance to spend time with you. I think you would benefit from some family therapy to work out where the boundaries are and what your expectations are if each other.

You’re on a hiding to nothing here op. I’d get rid and get into the CMS so he pays for his dc properly. You and your dc deserve better than a half arsed partner who cares more about his own wants than his dc’s feelings.

I agree with those who have said how can you call this man your partner. He is not a partner. Get a claim into CMS and stop trying to make him part of your life. He doesn't care.

I work full time too. My UC is my reimbursed childcare. Just want to make it clear that it's not because I'll loose my benefits, but because I pay for nursery 5 days a week which I couldn't do without that reimbursement. My monthly salary is £1500 and my childcare is £900.

So every morning I wake up to a text off him, we message all day about what we have done. Infact I was with one of his friends who literally asked where he is (this person in particular told my partner that he was glad he had grown up when we got back together). Absolutely no worries of an affair or anything like that. Last weekend he was showing me places he wanted to go with our child. So yes he will do what he wants to do with us when it suits him. But not everything else.

So, he fucks you and buys you a cheap dinner occasionally. There's a word for that OP.

Raise your bar, for god's sake. And more importantly for your daughter's sake.

Are you cheating the system?

Why doesn’t he pay the minimum legal CMS amount each month?

Why does he feel paying the minimum for his child shouldn’t apply to him?

If he earns 10k more than you why couldn’t he move in properly? You take home 1500, him say 2200. It would easily cover ALL the childcare and the bills? Did he move in and pay £100 a week like he pays his mum?

In my opinion Men who live with their parents after a failed relationship are poor quality partners. They think it’s womens (often low paid women) Responsibility to house them. While their money is invested and saved or blown on trinkets (junk) and hobbies. While mum and girlfriend are left skint each month.

You are paying £900 a month and he’s contributing £30 a week. But you both benefit from the childcare so you can work.

On top of this, you are paying all the housing costs, clothing costs and buying food (beyond takeaway and the odd meal out).

if he earns £2200 - how on earth could he ‘not afford’ to pay his half of the household bills?

honestly, the more details you give, the clearer it is that he’s a waste of space!

Yes they are. Everyone is criticising DP on the lack of financial support but OP seems to have no issue with the financial arrangement. He lives elsewhere and pays her £30 per week which allows her to claim UC credit which covers childcare. They're £900 better off each month with this arrangement which is allowing them to go on two family holidays over the next few months. The only issue here is that he won't go to social events.

Has he told everyone secretly that the child's not really his or something? Sounds like he's no interest in being seen to others as their dad.

This.

What a shitshow of a ‘relationship’.

She is not cheating the system. He is.

she is a single mother, paying all her own bills including £900 nursery fees. She gets UC as a result. He bungs her £30 a week and turns up at the weekend for sex.

He is paying less than the CMS rate. She should have more income coming into her household. She’s got 100% care of the child.

HE is taking the piss. They don’t live together.