AIBU my partner won't attend any social or child events

[user1467403859]

I have 4 children. My partner is father to my almost 4 year old. He also has another child.
All children similar age (teens) and get on amazingly, we have holidays together and I love his child as much as my own.
We were very on and off but being back together for 1 year now and all is good. But over the past few months he has gone back to not wanting to do any events.
Close friends parties, couple events, refused to look at schools for our child, refused to attend parent evening, refused to attend our daughters first stage show (even though I spent over £100 on tickets), refused to attend presentations, literally nothing. He even refused to attend our child's christening.
Now if he was going to be alone I'd understand, however his friends attend these events (his friends not mine might I add. He works with some of them and we all get on well. His friends have asked me why he won't attend and have even tried to get him to come). I'm sick of being the only 1 sat without my other half. I'm sick of listening to people ask me why he doesn't want to watch his child perform on stage. Or recieve a trophy. Its embarrassing.
We don't live together, but these events always happen when he is at mine and he chooses to sit by himself in my house while I go out.
I've snapped tonight. An invitation for our daughters nursery graduation..... a family day and in previous years the staff have made videos of children from them being babies to leaving. He said said.... "you're going, I'm not". I've replied saying you. And not spoke since......
Am I the arse or should he be making an effort to attend things,expecially for his child.
For context we both work full time mon-friday and these happen on weekends. So not a case of anything stopping him.

I am also confused as to how he couldn't afford to contribute when the discussion of him moving in was had. Does he have to pay a lot towards his other children in maintenance? Why is his expenses so high if he lives with family. Is he financially supporting them?

He isn't a partner and he is a very low effort father. It is important for children to see their parent's engaged in their lives and show interest.

Please end for good this "relationship" and claim CMS for your daughter.

Hi,
Thank-you everyone. I think I know the answer. Although I wasn't expecting it. I honestly thought i was posting a minor annoyance but you have all helped me see the much bigger picture. I've asked for this post to be taken down because honestly- you've all made me feel rubbish (but with good reasons haha). Thank you for making me see what I've been living like isn't normal at all. Time to just continue as I have been. Minue the extra weekend lodger!

My husband attended all 3 christenings so he could show off his children to his extended family. I think you have reached the right decision to get of a man who won't even do that.

God luck don't feel rubbish love is blind.

I think you really need to get rid. Lots of people go to things they don’t want to all the time! For their children. Children remember who sat and watched their performances etc (albeit I also think “nursery graduation” is a non event - but he should have been to something by now).

The benefits thing doesn’t sit well with me. If him moving in meant you lost your UC it meant he CAN afford to pay the difference- ie he should be paying the nursery rather than you. Him “living with family” so that he can avoid paying those costs, and pass it on to the tax payer, is immoral in my eyes. Immoral from him not you. “Living with family” but then staying with you as an when he likes, sitting in your house even when you’re not there, never looking after your joint child alone, is having his cake and eat it in a way i couldn’t get past.

I can see you’ve taken the decision to get rid but wanted to underline that I agree with it.

Good luck, can't be an easy decision. Hope he starts paying for his child.

He’s just a lazy twat op, you know this- it’s why you broke up before. He put on a show to make you take him back but it was fake, which is why it’s ’gone back’ now.

get rid, he’s not a participating partner or father, he’s a poor excuse for a man. You can all do better.

Good luck op. Expect him to be a changed man when he realises his meal ticket, relaxation time, sex on tap is going to dump him. Then watch him get cross and use words like ‘gold digger’ when you expect CMS at the bare legal minimum.

Do you think in your bid to be independent you have gone too far? Him paying his fair percentage if house hold bills (ie more than 50% as he earns more). Not a criticism just a question. I have been the same previously. Men are quick to take advantage of it. Instead maybe you thought - oh I’m paying anyway my bills won’t increase.

A person with self respect would pay their way. He didn’t - it says a lot about him.

Yes possibly. My ex husband worked and I was a SAHM and he controlled the finances. Along side tax credits our monthly income was 2k and we managed.
When he left I was determined not to be a stereotypical single mum, kids amd benefits. I wanted to work and I've build up a good career that I love.
When I met my currently partner we fell pregnant quickly. He wanted me to stay at home and raise her because he didn't like the idea of her in nursery so much but I refused. I did suggest he could give up work but obviously he wouldn't. I am incredibly stubborn that I am not giving up my job. He has even said he would move in as we could still claim UC but again I refused. I probably am I bit a nightmare with it but I don't want to lose my income.

Very sensible

And don't ask MN to take this down.

a) it may help someone else

b) it may strengthen your resolve if it weakens.

Be thankful that you ARE extremely stubborn and prioritised your own livelihood and ability to support yourself and your children.

Now you can model both being financially responsible and setting appropriate boundaries in relationships so that you aren’t being taken advantage of.

You can claim via CMS today. It doesn’t matter if you’re still technically in a relationship (I.e. he’s your boyfriend who shows up when it suits him). You don’t live with him. You maintain your own household separate from him. He contributes nothing to the bills etc. You have all the financial and practical responsibility for your shared child. He doesn’t pay even the bare minimum in child maintenance. And he should.

Do the calculation online for what maintenance should be (remembering that he has zero overnights - him deciding to stay at yours is not him having the child overnight). Send it to him and tell him this is the bare minimum he should be contributing. If he does anything other than apologise and set up a standing order for proper maintenance, you can use the actual child maintenance service to make him pay.

The problem is our daughter has always stayed with his parents 2 nights a week from being a baby. They are the most wonderful people. They buy everything for our child at their house. She is spoilt rotten there. He now lives there but its his parents that have her and fund it. Even down to buying all her clothes, pull ups. Baby milk when needed, they had a full pram system for her, a better car seat then me, everything in her own room, her own cot, bed,
So it would just bounce back that he has her which would reduce payment any way via cms. Even though its not him.

To be honest it doesn't sound like you have a relationship, more an arrangement. Living apart is one thing, as lots of couples choose to do this but not attending kids events and couples events, is a very clear message of we're not together. I'd move on and find someone who deserves you x

OP said that she gets UC and that she loses it if he moves in with her, so that's the motive for them living separately. Financial decision based on her keeping her benefits. For those saying that he is a cock lodger, he isn't because he doesn't live with her.

Woowwwww... that is Messed-Up. Especially not wanting to attend his own childs Chistening. I would call it quits then and there...

You need to ask yourself... what is he doing (alone) while you and the kids are out of the house... ? 🤔

I have severe SA, but I would never decline attending my own child's Chistening... LWTF... 🤷🏼‍♀️ 🚩🚩🚩🚩

I have a good idea why he wants you and the kids out of the house... but I could be wrong so I don't want to commit.

You should set up a fake event... take the kids out for an hour and then go back to your house to see what he is 'up to'... take him by surprise... I guarantee you, I know what he is doing... 😉

Bugger those that judge because you claim a bit of UC...and it is a bit. Let them live off it..soon be moaning and not having fella living there.

Anyway , i was in similar position..he milked me dry..whilst i struggled. I finished it OP. Most assume.. single mum... benefits..and im fed up with that bullying rhetoric. Love sent from me OP

No but he didn't say ...no...im earning 10k more so we can live together and that 10k goes towards etc etc...but he didn't. Stop blaming the woman!

100% he will be sat watching reels on his phone or asleep on the sofa haha. Absolutely no trust issues at all

Using your gas, electric, eating food you bought. Adding more expense to you. Maybe that's what the 30 quid is for!

Jeez the bar just hit the floor!

Have you spoken to his parents? They may not allow him to say the child is with him those two days if THEY are looking after her. He may not contribute to the child’s welfare (cooking, tidying, bath times etc) and they may not be pleased.

I bet he’s telling his parents that he gives you lots per month. Then reducing his board accordingly.

What you may find is his mum and dad are very pleased that you allow and facilitate their relationship and don’t want to jeopardise that. Especially if you split and they realise he’s a waste of space. Do they have other grandkids? Are they likely to have more grandkids? Doting grandparents may be very disgusted that he only pays £30. They probably don’t know though.

Yeah you don’t get to opt out of parenting. Even the naff bits you don’t like like long assemblies or waiting out in the cold during weekend sports clubs. It’s all part of it. You can’t pick and choose the bits you like and not engage with the rest. And as your DD gets older she will be more and more aware that daddy doesn’t come to the things that are important to her and stays home watching telly, and that will send a clear message - especially when she sees the other kids at the same events have their daddy there. Best to act now OP.

No, they no what he is like. As far as they are concerned their relationship is with their grandchild and has nothing to do with parents. She is the last grandchild they will have. Youngest off 4 but the others are adults. They wouldn't get involved but I know they would rather he wasn't there

This is weird! Have you asked him why he doesn't participate? Does he go out at all with friends etc?