To dislike men who seek out foreign brides

[Hartley99]

There are quite a few documentaries about this on YouTube. The guy is usually ugly or boring or nerdy (usually all three). He claims to be ‘looking for love,’ when in reality, of course, he’s looking for a sexual partner. So he goes online and searches for girls in poor countries - often Thailand or Russia. In almost every case the girl is younger and/or much more attractive than him.

Recently, there was a documentary on channel 4, and I ended up having an argument with someone at work about it. They thought the whole thing was ‘sweet’ and funny and couldn’t see anything wrong. To them it made sense. The guy got to have sex with a girl out of his league, and the girl got to move to a richer country with more opportunities. To me it just seemed revolting. However you spin it, they are taking advantage of her poverty. They know that she wouldn’t look twice at them in any other circumstance. Apparently, after the invasion of Ukraine there was a massive spike in men looking for Ukrainian brides online. I mean that says it all. Or am I being uptight and judgemental?

Right. Let's object to the language a woman uses to discuss the exploitation of women. Because that's the important thing to object to.

East asian women aren’t as passive as people believe, I’ve known quite a few Phillipino women who can absolutely hold their own. It is probably a business arrangement but life is downright HARD for many people out there, you don’t strive and come out soft. I totally judge those men tbh but understand where the women are coming from.

"Whilst I don’t necessarily think it’s something to celebrate, is it that different to how relationships work generally? Men trade on their money and women trade on their looks. That’s why old broke men don’t date 25 year olds, but old rich men do.."

100% this. Lots of marriages are mutually transactional. And you do sometimes get rich older women marrying hot , poor young men

I agree it is exploitative as for the women it is often their only route out of poverty and to help their family.
Having to have sex with someone when you really don’t want to is utterly soul destroying and a little bit of you dies.
Not exactly the same but I always look at Trump’s wife and wonder is the wealth worth sharing a bed with such a monstrosity. I also wonder if she would be too scared to leave if she wanted to.

These type of 'relationships' in a way sort of show the most extreme end of things. Women from every single walk of life can experience coercion and abusive treatment in relationships with men whom they're otherwise equal to in all other ways be it background, career etc. Many women who choose to pursue or enter these types outwardly transactional relationships do so out of huge necessity, of course they wouldn't look twice at Dave from accounts in any other context. But as is almost always the case people are looking at the symptoms of a wider issue. Sometimes when women talk about how they couldn't imagine being away from their dc for a night or two thus won't attend a wedding or whatever, I'm reminded of pretty much most 1st gen African mothers who quite literally left everything they knew to be their lives including their young kids to fly to a different continent to take up work in very unforgiving industries.
That's not to say it should be a race to the bottom but I think some people for reasons not of their own making aren't able to view things through any lens which doesn't fit a certain worldview.

These are usually rather unequal relationships. The woman may have a more comfortable life but is rarely treated as an equal. Often the men want a subservient partner.

Sadly, I’ve seen a lot of middle-aged or older British men with Filipina, Thai or Russian wives and it’s not the type of relationship most of us would tolerate.

It’s not sweet or romantic in the majority of cases.

Exactly, how horrible calling people ugly. Just mind your own business anyway.

I'm pakistani. I see families specifically want pakistani brides from Pakistan for their son as they don't want their son to marry someone who hasn't been sullied by western ways

It's funny isn't it? When it's older, fairly ordinary men going to Thailand for a beautiful young bride it's always the man that is exploitative because they know she needs the money and wants a life with more opportunity in a rich European country.

And when it's older, fairly ordinary women going to Gambia or Tunisia for a young stud to sweep her off her feet it's still the man that is exploitative because he knows that she's a desperate, deluded and vulnerable fool.

In some cases, it's creepy, but if the man is open about what he's offering and is a good husband, I don't see a problem with it, really. Looks and youth aren't everything, especially in some cultures.

Bringing a bride over from another country is nothing like sex tourism, imo. Going over for casual sex for money is disgusting, but making a commitment to someone and living up to it is not that different from the typical marriage contract of yesteryear.

There was nothing deluded about the women in that Julie Bindel documentary about sex holidays in Jamaica. They knew what they wanted and it wasn't marriage. Although they preferred 'financial assistance ' to prostitution.

It's tawdry and exploitative. Awful.

YANBU.

I’ve known of two men who’ve had Thai brides and both of them are abusive arseholes and horrendous bullies.

We all know the type: like to think of themselves as a “traditional type” when what they really mean is that they want a subservient maid with sex on tap. They will exploit that power imbalance as much as they can. Horrific little men.

Who said romance is dead?

Well London Bridge now resides in Arizona

But you as a woman have expressly said..they are boring and nerdy..others have said about bald and needy..and you "ladies" wonder why men look abroad.
I'm not a good looking guy but have self confidence, imagine what it was like asking a girl out at 15 to be met with "what...you". This is why people like Andrew Tate are successful...be bloody kind..I'm not good looking but have self confidence, I'm well off, drive a nice car, dress well and get hit on by women regularly. I'm happily married so not interested. But I'm 55 so I'm interested in how many ladies don't want to be alone as they get older

Yeah...no.

So, you propose that if women want unattractive old men to stop exploiting young women, then we need to 'take one for the team', be kind, and date them ourselves? And we should start this when we are teens, so that 15 year old boys grow up to be confident? Can we 'ladies' put that to the vote?

Would you want it for your own daughter?

Do I fall into this, OP, being born in Communist Czechoslovakia (far from destitute) and finding my husband of 20 years now, who happens to be three decades older?
Honestly, I never wanted to waste my time on work or family, wasn't sure how to sort myself out, but hey, don't need to explain myself either.
🙄

I understand the comment about 'leagues' the men are usually financially superior (at least by a comparable standard) to the women, and the women are usually attractive with poor English. They get taken from a position of poverty, transported with no social supports to a foreign country, and get given a better quality of life for sex. It's transnactional, and even if the 'relationship' lasts for years, its nature is still transactional- better quality of life for sex. I don't see anything romantic and it's exploitation.

Ooh I think I remember: did they run off to France?

Except their unattractiveness is relevant. If they were attractive these men wouldn’t need to be exploiting the power imbalance that comes from being born into a wealthy western country.
I had a neighbour that did this, he was in his 60s and would loudly boast about his lovely wife being 35. He had daughters the same age. 🤢🤢

I agree.
If both parties are happy with what they've found in each other, live and let live I say.

This is a good point.

I agree with the previous poster regarding the use of "ugly, balding men", or whatever it was that was picked up on.

It wouldn't be acceptable here to talk about 'ugly, fat, haggard old women going to Africa/Jamaica, wherever', pursuing young men, I'm sure.

As the mum of a child with a facial disfigurement, it always galls me when people's appearance is used to label them.

People who exploit or abuse vulnerable or desperate people are beyond contempt but bringing looks and appearance into this, as if people who aren't conventionally good looking are somehow a less worthy underclass, is just appalling.