To dislike men who seek out foreign brides

[Hartley99]

There are quite a few documentaries about this on YouTube. The guy is usually ugly or boring or nerdy (usually all three). He claims to be ‘looking for love,’ when in reality, of course, he’s looking for a sexual partner. So he goes online and searches for girls in poor countries - often Thailand or Russia. In almost every case the girl is younger and/or much more attractive than him.

Recently, there was a documentary on channel 4, and I ended up having an argument with someone at work about it. They thought the whole thing was ‘sweet’ and funny and couldn’t see anything wrong. To them it made sense. The guy got to have sex with a girl out of his league, and the girl got to move to a richer country with more opportunities. To me it just seemed revolting. However you spin it, they are taking advantage of her poverty. They know that she wouldn’t look twice at them in any other circumstance. Apparently, after the invasion of Ukraine there was a massive spike in men looking for Ukrainian brides online. I mean that says it all. Or am I being uptight and judgemental?

The vast majority of British men marry British women.

Do you really think the men who have to take a long distance flight to buy find a wife are some sort of prize?

Yeah so? The vast majority of (insert any nationality) marry a partner of the same nationality. That is a meaningless statement when there is a significant number of people who do marry partners of a different nationality.

Your second question is insulting the intelligence of women like myself, who marry foreign men.

It was you who said "I think you may be upset that “your” men are not looking to marry women from their own country" which is odd given that most British men marry British women. I can assure you that there is no shortage whatsoever of British men!

And this discussion is not about people who happen to marry someone of a different nationality. It's about men who make a point of seeking out women from much poorer countries. If you've been following this thread, you must know that.

If these marriages are 'borne out of love', then why are the women always from relatively poor countries? Why aren't these hunks being snapped up by Norwegian or Swiss women?

Well obviously, lots of them are. Most 'western' men are not married to much younger women from much poorer countries. It's just that some are. Plenty of non-vulnerable, non-poor white women end up married to older men because, bizarrely, in spite of all the reasons why marrying someone their own age would be easier and more straighforward, they love them. In spite of the erectile dysfunction and stodgy belly and the fact that they are nearing retirement and needing afternoon naps just as you in your absolute prime, and despite the inevitable brood of step kids who are almost as old as you are, the heart wants what the heart wants.

Women don't seem to mind marrying older men. Older men can still be fertile. Vasectomies can be reversed. Older men are often less likely to be unreliable or unfaithful partners. They've got all that out of their system. Older men are often more likely to be financially secure, having had 20 more years to achieve in the workplace than a young man. Why does no-one think the 50 year old man is 'buying' the woman when she's 30 and British or American? Only when she's Asian or African or Russian?

The men are buying youth, beauty and dependence. The women are being forced to sell it.

Well they are not being forced, for a start. That's the first assumption that's almost always certainly wrong. And where do you want to draw the line here? Should none of us ever dare to date or marry someone who is not our complete equal in every way, culturally, in age, in income, in health and able bodiedness, in educational attainment, in case one or other of us might be somehow accused of gaining an unfair advantage through some sort of power imbalance?

I know that is what the thread purports to be, but I think it is very xenophobic in tone. Every country has countries richer or poorer than it, and to judge men who marry women from poorer countries as “buying” women, and the women as “selling” their bodies is disgusting. Because that applies to me, a British woman who married an older man from a country richer than the U.K.

I did not “sell” myself and I reject the idea that women from poorer countries marrying British men are selling themselves.

I agree. It's as if people can't possibly believe that these poor, meek downtrodden little Asian women could possibly have any agency over their own futures and make decisions for themselves. It is xenophobic, insulting and patronising. Yet when the table as turned, as in your situation, no-one makes any of the same assumptions about you, or your motivations.

I was using hyperbole to illustrate a point. Inadvertently summoned the patron Saint of pensioners. I will learn eventually.

Possessive? I was using "our" (notice the quotation marks) to be concise. We don't want these men with nothing to offer thanks.

Women don't seem to mind marrying older men.

In most cases, they do.

Large age gaps are statistically quite rare. Most women marry men within about 5 years of their own age. A man will usually need to have something special, often but not always money, to attract a much younger wife. That is why, as I said above, you don't see lots of young Norwegian or Swiss women marrying much older foreign men.

Did your DH travel the world with the sole intention of buying access to you? No? Then we're not talking about you. Stop making the discussion about things it is not about.

My former MIL was from an Asian country and met and older English man who live bombed her. They got married quickly and had three kids in quick succession. In that period of time he became more controlling and insisted they move to the UK- without her teen sons.

Looking in, I'm sure people saw a mutually agreeable situation. However, one they were in the uk he had become all-out abusive. She was completely isolated and put up with it for her kids' sake. Until the day she walked in on him doing something to their 6 week old baby.

She walked straight out with all the kids loaded in one pushchair and managed to get help. She ended up building a life for herself.

It transpired that he was part of a network of paedophiles with an interest in Asian children.

My ex MIL happens to be a very strong, amazing woman. I don't know what the average woman in her position would have done.

Funny how all these men can find "love" only with attractive, young women.

Even funnier how some of them (from South America for example) are only 18/19.

Funny how we talk about choices on one hand and on the other describe abysmal conditions. Is that real choice?

Funny how these men are described as "decent, respectful " non mysoginistic men.

It's fucking hilarious really.

"We don't want these men with nothing to offer thanks."

So we insist our rejects must live lives without love, companionship and sex.

The school bullies have returned to the thread.

A working class woman from the uk isn’t making a choice between a life of poverty, with no access to health care, or opportunities though is she ? She’s making a lifestyle decision to marry a man with greater wealth. I would judge a western woman that decided to pursue a rich bloke, instead of the many other opportunities available to her.
A woman from a poor country is making the least worst decision, not at all comparable and not what this thread is about.

Yes. Until they sort out their personality and entitlement issues, they can stay single.

I think your entitlement is off the charts. You think you can dictate who is desirable and who they can match with.

Somebody else posted that they thought a lot of the animosity was due to these men 'cheating the system' and circumventing 'the rules'.

I think they might have a point.

I would be interested to see these statistics. They aren’t rare in my family, nor my husband’s.

@ahugga

Council rent ? They have to have a certain income before their bride can come here as they have to prove they can support her and yes lots of men do build houses abroad plus a uk state pension goes far in far eastern countries. Most of these old man also gave private pensions too plus a property

In most cases she is making that choice. You haven’t been paying attention to the poverty rates, the hundreds dying every week due to lack of access to healthcare, or the fact that working class women have extremely limited opportunities.

It is not bullying to reject male affection.

Do these men care about poverty in other countries when there's not a pretty young woman in it for them?

What does that have to do with finding a life partner? Do you have some sort of checklist that a man must meet in order to get your approval to marry a foreign woman?

-Does he give donations to UNICEF

what else?

So you're fine with a man only recognizing poverty when he wishes to take advantage of young women? Really?
If I did have a checklist, #1 absolutely would be "does not exploit impoverished women". I don't think that should be controversial.

Where is your proof that all men who marry foreign wives do this? There isn’t any. This discussion is about the men and women who marry where the man happens to be from a richer country than the woman’s country. That includes me.

You don’t want to hear my voice as one of those women IRL because it doesn’t suit your imaginative, dystopian narrative.

Have I ever said "all men who marry foreign wives do this"? Have I ever said that? This is a thread about men who intentionally do it. It's not about anyone else. Don't project.