To dislike men who seek out foreign brides

[Hartley99]

There are quite a few documentaries about this on YouTube. The guy is usually ugly or boring or nerdy (usually all three). He claims to be ‘looking for love,’ when in reality, of course, he’s looking for a sexual partner. So he goes online and searches for girls in poor countries - often Thailand or Russia. In almost every case the girl is younger and/or much more attractive than him.

Recently, there was a documentary on channel 4, and I ended up having an argument with someone at work about it. They thought the whole thing was ‘sweet’ and funny and couldn’t see anything wrong. To them it made sense. The guy got to have sex with a girl out of his league, and the girl got to move to a richer country with more opportunities. To me it just seemed revolting. However you spin it, they are taking advantage of her poverty. They know that she wouldn’t look twice at them in any other circumstance. Apparently, after the invasion of Ukraine there was a massive spike in men looking for Ukrainian brides online. I mean that says it all. Or am I being uptight and judgemental?

I don’t hold any negativity towards the women that are marrying their way out of poverty, but I can still feel revulsion towards a man that is exploiting his economic privilege to gain access to a young woman. Just because the woman may be better off doesn’t make it right. Imo it’s comparable to adults and children working in sweatshops, it might keep them from starvation and we get nice clothes, doesn’t make it right.
There shouldn't be such inequality in the first place for it to be necessary.

Well when the bride needs an interpreter to marry it doesn’t sound like a love match. Especially when the bride is beautiful and the groom is old and ugly

This is not uncommon. Makes me feel sick.

I think these 'relationships' are inherently exploitative.

Well obviously you are not being unreasonable there, but how common is that, really? Sham wedding aside, I'm not sure there are many examples like you describe.

There may well be a perceived financial imbalance between the parties, but it's arguable as to who exactly is exploiting who, sometimes. Usually these women have voluntarily put themselves forward for online dating with men from overseas because they can see that, assuming they find a man they can love, it's a win-win for them.

I think many of these woman are genuinely happy to be married to a kind, decent man who doesn't have the deeply ingrained entitlement and misogyny that men in their own country might. Who is reasonably financially secure and can bring her to live in a highly developed country with a good standard of living, a welfare state, relatively low levels of corruption and a free NHS. If the price you pay for that is that your DH is 15 or 20 years older than you, well plenty of western woman marry men that much older with nothing much to gain at all.

But in a lot of cases the women are also using the men to get out of poverty and to help their family's families.

The two are not equivalent. The man is "buying", the woman is "selling" (or sometimes the other way around).

If both parties realise they are not in love but they are both convenient for each other and treat each other with dignity and respect then I don't see a problem .

Can you respectfully purchase a woman's body? Is that possible?

I think many of these woman are genuinely happy to be married to a kind, decent man who doesn't have the deeply ingrained entitlement and misogyny that men in their own country might.

Are you sure?

A lot of these 'marriage agencies' specifically advertise the 'docility' of the women.

And if these men are so 'kind and decent' why do they have to travel to the other side of the world to find a woman prepared to marry them?

Believing you can essentially buy a women seems almost the definition of * *"deeply ingrained entitlement and misogyny" to me.

@Ahugga

Can you respectfully be with a man because of the size of his wallet? These things go both ways and I would say these women have the upper hand as they could take the guy for half his assets.

@IcedPurple

Believe me a lot of these women are far from docile . They know exactly what they are doing and why. Most of the women I know in these marriages are treated like queens by their husbands. The women have the upper hand in most cases .

That doesn't answer my question. And as I said before, the two things are not equal.

I'm sure they are not docile. But that wasn't my point. The post I was replying to said that men who travel all the way to Asia in search of a much younger and poorer woman are 'kind and decent' and not at all misogynistic and entitled. However, these 'agencies' often specifically boast of how 'docile' and untainted by feminism these women are. That does not suggest the men in question are kind or decent.

And I don't agree that the women have the upper hand. They will be in a foreign country where they have no friends or family, they don't know how things work and maybe don't speak the language. They will be dependent on their husband for everything. The men have no such dependence upon the women. While these relationships may 'work' in some cases, we are not dealing with a partnership of equals.

Upper hand? How? The man has control of their body, often their fertility, their finances, their entire families finances, immigration status etc. Not to mention all the usual patriarchy stuff that any woman has to navigate. Only a fool or a man (or a foolish man) would think the women have the upper hand in these scenarios.

Why is it always the man taking advantage in these situations? Don't you think some of these women do too ? Wait until they are established and then bugger off ? I've seen that happen too . Most men marry foreign brides because they are lonely . Don't you think that makes them vulnerable too ? From what I've seen of these marriages they seem to work well. I can only go by what the girls I work with tell me . They are far from docile , they have learnt to drive, learnt to read and write in English and have a very nice lifestyle . Their husbands give them anything they ask for and are generous when it comes to sending money back home .

Any spouse could get half their husband's or wife's assets in the event of divorce.

That doesn't give them 'the upper hand'.

And I'd venture a guess that the type of man who has to take a long distance flight in order to find a woman prepared to marry him is not likely to be in the highest tax bracket.

Why is it always the man taking advantage in these situations? Don't you think some of these women do too ? Wait until they are established and then bugger off ? I've seen that happen too .

That can happen in any marriage.

Most men marry foreign brides because they are lonely . Don't you think that makes them vulnerable too ?

Why are they lonely? Are there no women where they live?

Their husbands give them anything they ask for and are generous when it comes to sending money back home .

But what if their husbands are not generous? You're making my point for me. The women are completely dependent on the good will of their husbands. The same is not true in reverse.

Can you stop using word "docile" please. We are talking about grown women, not dogs waiting for adoption.
What happens if the man's generosity runs out? Who has the upper hand then?

@IcedPurple

After so long living in the UK and gaining Citizenship these women have rights . They can pull away and make a life of their own or even return home and make a new life . Most I know are not cowed prisoners and know how this country works. Now I'm not saying all women are treated well , but most I know and work with are happy and contented. Some members have been ripped off and treated badly . Human nature is the same the world over .

I’m of Asian origin and a lot of you are projecting a westernised view on what marriage actually is i.e. primarily a love connection whereas very often in Asia, the primary purpose of marriage is actually a business transaction. You don’t have to agree with these marriages but that doesn’t necessarily make them wrong either just because it doesn’t conform to westernised ideals.

Just to be clear, some women in these countries actually think it’s western woman who are being taken advantage of by marrying for love when the man has little else to offer.

"Most you know"? How well do you know them?

And I'm sure these 'relationships' can work out reasonably well, but it's simply not true that the woman 'has the upper hand'. She is dependent on her husband for everything, but the reverse is not true. Even the way in which you talk about how the women are 'treated' is acknowledging this fact.

Sorry I meant some men in these marriages have been ripped off and treated badly .

I think western women are perfectly placed to judge western men actually. It's not projection, these are "our" men, from "our" culture. You say marriage is different in Asia, but these men are not Asian. I don't think a single person has offered a negative judgment of Asian women who make these choices, it is our men we are holding to our (hard won) standards.

You seem to know an awful lot of people in 'these marriages'.

You speak for all of 'Asia'?

For Turkish women?

Chinese women?

Sri Lankan women?

Asia is a pretty big place.

And obviously, if a woman thinks marrying a middle aged bloke who can't attract a woman in his own society is a favourable deal, that's up to her.