To dislike men who seek out foreign brides

[Hartley99]

There are quite a few documentaries about this on YouTube. The guy is usually ugly or boring or nerdy (usually all three). He claims to be ‘looking for love,’ when in reality, of course, he’s looking for a sexual partner. So he goes online and searches for girls in poor countries - often Thailand or Russia. In almost every case the girl is younger and/or much more attractive than him.

Recently, there was a documentary on channel 4, and I ended up having an argument with someone at work about it. They thought the whole thing was ‘sweet’ and funny and couldn’t see anything wrong. To them it made sense. The guy got to have sex with a girl out of his league, and the girl got to move to a richer country with more opportunities. To me it just seemed revolting. However you spin it, they are taking advantage of her poverty. They know that she wouldn’t look twice at them in any other circumstance. Apparently, after the invasion of Ukraine there was a massive spike in men looking for Ukrainian brides online. I mean that says it all. Or am I being uptight and judgemental?

Well I don't know. Why don't you ask all the people who are in arranged marriages, which are perfectly normal in their culture.

Maybe some men envy him. The majority probably laugh, or pity him, or even despise him.

Some of these men really are pitiful. I watched the Louis Theroux documentary on Thai brides, and there was one man I felt genuinely sorry for. In his case, it wasn’t sex. His wife had left him and he’d had a breakdown. He was desperate for love and for someone to take away the pain.

I doubt many men look at an ugly 65-year-old wandering around Tescos with a pretty young Russian or Thai and envy him. It’s actually kind of depressing. It’s sad that the girl must sell her body for a better life, and it’s sad that the man has convinced himself they’re in love. Think how grim it must be to wake up next to someone you’ve basically bought. No matter how deluded these men are, they must know that the girls haven’t married them for love. Imagine watching TV with her, or walking the dog on the beach, or going out for dinner. What the hell would you talk about? What has a 60-something man from Leeds got in common with a 20-something girl from a Thai village?

I wonder how many of these men do regret their decision? I’d feel ashamed for exploiting the girl. But I’d also feel humiliated. I’d be so embarrassed to walk down the street with her, knowing that everyone was whispering and laughing behind my back. And on top of that, I’d feel lonely. Being with the wrong person really does make you lonelier than being on your own.

Right, but these men are not from those cultures are they? And, obviously not all arranged marriages are respectful. Not even all love marriages are respectful.

Well as someone who used to live in a middle eastern country where I saw many marriages between Asian women and white western men, I of course cannot speak for all of them because I don't know their individual circumstances. But I can say for sure that I saw plenty of marriages of two equals and marriages borne out of love, the same as any other. The fact that the woman in these marriages was often far better off financially as a result of having married a Canadian, and Aussie, a Brit or a German rather than a Filipino or a Thai or a Kazakh man, is not necessarily evidence that either one of them is being exploitative, or that it's nothing more than a cynical financial transaction in exchange for uncomplaining sex and housekeeping services.

I find it quite patronising and a bit 'white savioury' for white women to assume this.

It’s the principle. No doubt some of these women are happy, others sad. Some have the man under their thumb, others are abused. Some of the women grow to love the man, others despise him. And so on. That’s not what people are debating. The question is whether it’s acceptable for a man from a rich country to effectively buy a girl from a poor one. In the vast majority of cases, the men are old, unattractive, and wealthy. (And if not wealthy themselves, they do offer a passport to wealthy country.) The girls, on the other hand, are usually much younger, much more attractive, and much poorer. In principle, is it OK for those men to take advantage of those women? Is it moral? Honourable? Fair? We all know the answer. However you spin it, the men are taking advantage.

@Hartley99

I agree . But these men don't think they are being laughed at . A lot of these girls have learned to speak English at school or later in life with the sole purpose of meeting a wealthy foreigner. Not all but a lot . I can't say I blame them . What's the alternative, ending up in a go go bar ? Living in a shack with no medical care or decent sanitation? Or living with an old man who probably treats you like a princess. I think most of the women know the score .

Never see ‘Thai husbands’ being advertised do you? Mmmm I wonder why?

Perhaps bit of a curveball, but a dynamic I don't think has been discussed yet. The most predatory relationships I have ever witnessed are between American missionary women and African men. Their whole families get in on it, like he's pet that needs to be broken and saved. Most miserable, trapped men I have ever met. (Again, not all blah blah blah)
So it isn't just Asia, and it isn't only men I judge.

I'm not judging the women. I'm judging the men. I said nothing about the women in my post so no idea what you mean by 'white savioury'.

I also used to live in a Middle Eastern country where you find many of these marriages. It was obvious to me that the men in question would never have been able to find an attractive young wife were there not a massive wealth disparity between their countries. None of these men were any sort of prize. Perhaps some of these marriages work out well in the end. I don't doubt that. But the fact remains that these women would never go near those men were it not for the economic incentive.

If these marriages are 'borne out of love', then why are the women always from relatively poor countries? Why aren't these hunks being snapped up by Norwegian or Swiss women?

Even more revolting are the men who think they’re saviours and that they married the girl to give her a better life. You see the same attitude in the scumbags who offer sex for rent. Again, ugly old men exploiting young women (often students). When confronted, they’ll say things like “well, I’m just helping the poor kid out, you know. She’s struggling for money. I’m letting her off the rent.” No you’re not. You’re letting her sleep in your grotty little rathole flat in exchange for her body.

Also a lot of the white western men build their brides houses back in their native countries with a view to retirement where they live very very well on their pensions .A lot of young girls see this happening , see the advantages of marrying a white foreign man and want a slice of the cake for themselves .

And how often do they promise houses when in reality their state pension hardly covers their council rent? Happens all the time I'm sure.

How would they fund their visits to meet their wives if that was the reality?

Or perhaps these.couples have.a more pragmatic view of.what marriage actually is.
I'm the west it's romantic love that is so sought after rather than a sensible approach
which looks for more solid qualities.
Which lasts longer or is more secure for bringing up a family?

A plane ticket is cheaper than a house... only have to meet once before the wedding to satisfy UKVI. To be fair, this will reduce now with the new rules.

Still unaffordable if your income barely covers your rent.

But the men are western.

And what do you mean by 'solid qualities'? What is 'sensible' about marrying someone half your age and from a completely different cultural background?

And just because a marriage might last a long time it does not mean it is happy. Especially in a society where women have few rights outside of marriage.

Few hundred quid for a flight vs a house? Really? Not even an argument worth engaging in.

I’m addressing your point! Which is demonstrably rubbish.

perhaps these.couples have.a more pragmatic view of.what marriage

But why does pragmatic never mean a husband and wife around the same age, similar backgrounds and cultures, of roughly equally attrativeness, with roughly equal earning power/family money etc??

How come "pragmatism" it's always relative youth, looks, poverty, lack of earning opportunities, and being from a developing country on the female side ..... And relative old age, lack of looks, being comfortable financially, and being from a developed country on the other.. how come that is always the demonstration of "pragmatic"?

It only exists because of poverty, deprivation, lack of earning opportunities and lack of security on one side .. only because of inequality.

The men are buying youth, beauty and dependence. The women are being forced to sell it.

Call it "pragmatism" if you want ... Doesn't make it right by any definition.

If men truly wanted to help people out in a deprived, developing country - they could contribute to its development, to education, to democracy campaigns etc etc.
Funny how their "contribution' is always linked to getting their dicks wet, getting a woman out of their league as a partner etc.

At worst I think this is a depressing reality and something many women are resigned to, as the least worst option for them. But whereas we like to hand wring over it and imagine them all to be like helpless little Cindarella figures, the women themselves I think are often much more shrewd and pragmatic than we give them credit for.

However, there are many scenarios that are not quite as cynical as this. As a rule, women (even women who are not poor or lacking in options) want men who are successful. Even a financially self-sufficient woman often looks for a man at least as successful as she is, and would prefer it if he were, given the choice. We see it all the time on MN, women complaining that they are the main breadwinner and they've started to resent their DH for not being ambitious enough, happy to coast along, riding on their wives' coat tails. Whereas you rarely see a man say the same about his wife. If she's been at home bringing up the children there is less pressure or expectation for her to jump straight back into the job market and to make sure she is 'pulling her weight' by matching his earnings.

Men care less about that. When most men are on the lookout for a life partner, her being able to offer him financial security and an escape route from a life with few opportunities isn't usually high on his list of priorities. Unless he's Gambian, Egyptian or Tunisian of course.

The difference is that with foreign women from relatively poor backgrounds I think there is a greater chance that they are genuinely seeking a partner they can love and can stay with. For a start, with younger women and older men they are able to have children together.

Whereas, with these men who target lonely middle aged or elderly white women, I think they are far more cynical and predatory than pragmatic. Obviously there can't be any children resulting in those marriages, which is one of the biggest red flags. Once they've got their visa or leave to remain, I doubt very many of them stick around for long.

I know a man in his early 50s married to an Filipina woman of 35. He didn't go down the 'Thai Bride' route to meet her, but nevertheless their relationship does fall slightly into embarrassing cliche territory on his part. He was married to a British woman and that ended in divorce after 20 years. He's normal, intelligent, attractive, very pleasant company, not in any way creepy or exploitative. He could have found a more 'equal' British woman to marry him very easily, I imagine. He has quite a lot of money. But he happened to meet a Filipina and the rest is history. I doubt he deliberately set out to find and marry a Filipina, but I am almost certain that she would have been casting her eye around for white western men to date. It's like a lot of the WAGs who end up with rich footballers, or groupies who target rock stars. It doesn't happen by accident. It happens because those women often make it their life's work to put themselves in the same social spaces as them, in the hope of meeting.

For my friend's wife, she's clearly won all the lotteries at once. No doubt about it. But she genuinely loves him so she's not compromising herself in any way in order to have a taste of the high life. Far from it. She's living the dream in every way, including in the relationship. And he is very, very happy, even though he must know that some people will look at the two of them together and immediately make some unpleasant assumptions.

No idea if it's true but I've heard from some South East Asian women that the men aren't great. Gambling, drinking, domestic abuse etc.

My husband is foreign and older, he jokes about me being a British mail order bride as after we met we were emailing a lot between here and his country. His country is richer than the U.K. We got to be good friends over email, and when I moved there for work and travel, I did look him up and the rest is history. I made him move here though, to raise the DC, because I think the culture here is better.

I think you may be upset that “your” men are not looking to marry women from their own country? Your attitude is very possessive.

Would you say the same about a working class woman marrying an upper class man? Probably not, because she isn’t foreign even though the wealth disparity and often age gap is very similar.

In 30% of U.K. heterosexual marriages, the man is 4 or more years older than the woman. In 7.5% of U.K. heterosexual marriages, the man is 10 or more years older than the woman.