To not want to be wrap around care for my ex

[Missmuffet28]

DS 10 starts secondary school in sept it’s a little further away than the primary and the start/finish times are slightly different by 10-15 mins.
we have a two week arrangement
wk 1 I drop off at school every day he picks up on Tuesday and Thursday and has DS for tea. He only has him for tea because he doesn’t want to eat Into work hours to drop him off at school in the morning
wk2 he picks up Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and has over night which then rolls into his weekend with DS so he’s dropping him to school on Wednesday and Friday.
Ex is now making a fuss and saying he can’t stick to the agreed arrangements and wants me to do all school runs on wk 1 but then pick DS up from me at 4:15 for tea and do his Wed drop off on wk 2 by dropping ds back to me on a Wed morn before school for me to take him to school.

I have a full time job also and I already work flexibly to fulfill my allocation of school runs.
but obviously have to make this time up.

I do however work at home most of the time.

first he claimed it was the times, I sent him link for gov guidelines on flexible working.
then he claimed it was actually because him and his partner only have 1 car.

after many back and forth petty texts about how he was flexible two and a half years ago when I broke my leg 😂😂 (someone should send the guy a medal) I’m left with the below and I just don’t know how to respond.
AIBU to not want to be his wrap around care I don’t want to have to make more hours up at work because he can’t sort his life out.

Ok so on DS overnight week -
Tuesday and Thursday we can pick up DS from school.
NewPartner is going to ask to work from home every other Friday so he can be dropped to breakfast club and picked up from school.

We can’t do the Wednesday morning drop off to school. So DS can be dropped off to you at 07.45 on her way to work.

On the week we have DS Tuesday and Thursday for tea neither of us can do school pickup but one of us can pick him up from yours at 4.15.
But if one or both of our job patterns change it would have to be reviewed .

Why do their job patterns take priority over yours?! Send a message back saying that doesn't work for you as you have meetings on those mornings and send him a link to the school's breakfast/after school club and say you hope he can sort something out.

This is nonsense, the 4:15 bollocks. He was picking up fine when it was 3:15 or whatever it was, suddenly it has to be an hour later, nope. Nothing to do with her or what she can/can't do, it's on him to sort out pickup and drop off on his days. Why are you default parent/au pair for him, ridiculous. He needs to get his head around the idea that he's not doing you a favour, that's just his time when he is the allocated parent, so he needs to sort it.

If he cant do it he will have to drop ds off at breakfast club and after school club and suck up the cost like so many other working parents do.
Its laughable that he thinks he has any rights to pressure you into unequal arrangements because what?
Costs
Convenience
Thinks he can get away with it,?
Not even sure why he thanks tjis is up for discussion.

Yup, 100% just send him the link to breakfast/after school club and say 'do what you would have to do if I went to the moon on the days he wasn't in my care'

Does your DS actually want to go to breakfast club. It sounds really complicated, your DS is going to get a lot more homework in secondary school and this should come first, as his books/resources may be at different house.

It’s usual for kids to make their own way to school in high school. Can’t DS travel independently from September?

The poor new girlfriend being roped in too!

Ex needs to ask to team up with another school parent, hire a childminder or use breakfast and after school clubs on his days (or convince his poor girlfriend to do more or put in his own flexible working request)

I have suggested to ex that it would be wise to remember this will only be short term as in the coming years DS will become more independent but he is not ready not even close to being able to do this at the moment, he has some SEN.

I think secondary is a different beast to primary.

There may be extra curricular stuff after school, but normally there's no wrap around care.

You'll also be surprised at how much DS grows up in Y7. Would it be possible for him to jump the bus? I thought there was no way my DD would cope, but after the first term she happily jumps 2 busses to school and back.

I would politely say to ex that unfortunately you have commitments and that they will need to find an alternative.

Not your responsibility, he has to put his big boy pants on and be a parent. Not just the bits that suit him.

Be strong. You have 5-6 more years of this.

This sounds quite complicated and will get more so as DS manages some of his own journeys. Is there a way of simplifying it e.g alternate weeks which makes it easier to keep track of but also more clear on responsibilities

I don’t think it’s terribly complicated he picks up from school every Tues and Thurs
just that DS stays over alternate weeks on those days so he has to drop off at school the next day.

alternate weeks would work for me too but it seems ex isn’t interested in any additional contact. I should also add in the little gem that I am expected to deal with ALL the holidays and bank holidays or inset days even if it’s a Friday that ex would be responsible for DS.
the last inset day fell on his day see below….
I replied I wasn’t his secretary and he’s the parent with responsibility from 3:20 on Thursday until he drops him back Sunday eve! he gets all the same school emails/access/info as I do!

maybe I made a rod for my own back by being too chilled previously and just going along with whatever he wanted to swap etc.
this feels like taking the p*ss though.
I also secretly want to say I don’t really care how much of a child care hero your partner is 😂 I don’t care who is working where I just want to know you have the care of DS in hand!!!

maybe I made a rod for my own back by being too chilled previously and just going along with whatever he wanted to swap etc.

He's the dick but you definitely have. As long as you don't need a lot of flexibility, being more direct that he has responsibility on his days and you on yours and being firm.

Everyone loves WFH but it does seem to mean that women have even more caring to do.

Yes I guess I’m going to have to stop being so easy going. I always thought that was the best way to be. He’s going to find that hard though!
Thing is I mostly work from home but it’s not a given, I do sometimes have to go into the office and not always out of choice.
i wouldn’t mind the odd time if he was stuck or whatever but his logistics issues aren’t my responsibility for the long term.

Oh god I’m failing at being firm already aren’t I 😂😂

whhhhhy can’t people just do the bits they have to do and go along without being bitter or petty and just have an easy quiet life 🫠

If ds is at secondary he doesn’t need wrap around care?

fairly sure after school/breakfast/childminders don’t take children after 11 or 12.

ds can get the bus. Either to his dads or home. Where he can be picked up.

seems a lot of drama for a child old enough to be travelling to school independently.

I'd just say can't do due to work commitments.

Just play him at his own game.

The child has SEN.

As I previously mentioned DS is not independent enough to deal with this himself currently, we live in a town where you can’t just hop on a bus and get to where you need to go either. Theres a whole world out there with really a sh*t bus service and we are in it.

the school itself has a breakfast club type set up, no clue if it has after school provisions clubs or whatever as don’t need to utilise them so haven’t researched if ex wants to find out then he should go do that I guess.

I agree this shouldn’t be a drama he should just sort his own life out and keep me out of it I have my own life, job and school runs to worry about.

I'd think the whole arrangement needs to be looked at. Especially so as public transport is not an option.

Secondary school is very different to primary. There will be more opportunities for after school activities and a lot more homework. That in itself is a juggle for a year 7 child without factoring in mid week changes in parent duties.

If it were me I'd seriously consider doing alternate full weeks at each. That way everyone gets some quality time and DS has the headspace for school work and hobbies too.

I think I might suggest this. I think I know what he will say but it’s offering another alternative to me being the wraparound and can’t say I haven’t tried. It means though that he goes from doing 5/10 pick ups when he wants to downsize to 3 and 2/10 drop offs when he wants to down size to 1 to 5/10 & 5/10.

The problem is that you're not responsible for managing his childcare arrangements but clearly he thinks that HIS responsibilities are optional. You're the backstop. so of course you're annoyed.

I think saying that no, you can't guarantee you'll do this is reasonable but be prepared for him to fight you on it.

His days, his responsibility.

"Sorry I'm unavailable on those days due to work commitments. Maybe look for a job that allows more flexible working so you can meet your childcare commitments".

Why can't men parent their own children?! My ex is the same I have to fit around him regardless of how this impacts my work. Previously had a court order that completely f**ked my ability to work because I was expected to fit around ex shifts!! Now ex has a new gf and she is doing everything for him and when she can't it's passed back to me.

I'd say stand firm but when I did this with my ex he just reduced contact so I had responsibility for the kids anyway. So be aware of that consequence if you stand firm will he actually prioritise his child?