To not want to be wrap around care for my ex

[Missmuffet28]

DS 10 starts secondary school in sept it’s a little further away than the primary and the start/finish times are slightly different by 10-15 mins.
we have a two week arrangement
wk 1 I drop off at school every day he picks up on Tuesday and Thursday and has DS for tea. He only has him for tea because he doesn’t want to eat Into work hours to drop him off at school in the morning
wk2 he picks up Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and has over night which then rolls into his weekend with DS so he’s dropping him to school on Wednesday and Friday.
Ex is now making a fuss and saying he can’t stick to the agreed arrangements and wants me to do all school runs on wk 1 but then pick DS up from me at 4:15 for tea and do his Wed drop off on wk 2 by dropping ds back to me on a Wed morn before school for me to take him to school.

I have a full time job also and I already work flexibly to fulfill my allocation of school runs.
but obviously have to make this time up.

I do however work at home most of the time.

first he claimed it was the times, I sent him link for gov guidelines on flexible working.
then he claimed it was actually because him and his partner only have 1 car.

after many back and forth petty texts about how he was flexible two and a half years ago when I broke my leg 😂😂 (someone should send the guy a medal) I’m left with the below and I just don’t know how to respond.
AIBU to not want to be his wrap around care I don’t want to have to make more hours up at work because he can’t sort his life out.

Ok so on DS overnight week -
Tuesday and Thursday we can pick up DS from school.
NewPartner is going to ask to work from home every other Friday so he can be dropped to breakfast club and picked up from school.

We can’t do the Wednesday morning drop off to school. So DS can be dropped off to you at 07.45 on her way to work.

On the week we have DS Tuesday and Thursday for tea neither of us can do school pickup but one of us can pick him up from yours at 4.15.
But if one or both of our job patterns change it would have to be reviewed .

This all sounds messy for your son. Why can't he just stay with one parent during the week and see the other parent on weekends like other kids? Why does his schooling have to messed around with just so both of you can pretend you are putting him first when you clearly aren't? I know I sound mean, but you are both going to end up making the poor kid miserable

Good for you OP. You are no longer your ex's support human.

No one should be doing pick up from secondary school and it’s not your problem if he is inconvenienced.

Lots of married men don’t take equal responsibility for their kids either. I don’t think that’s right but divorced parents have to get past their dislike of one another and work together to make sure everything gets covered. Would a married person dig in and tell their co-parent that the child isn’t their responsibility on a certain day?

the parents are prioritising their relationship over their relationship with their child.

The library is usually open after school for kids to do their homework. Surely this would be an option for DS if there wasn’t a football/chess/art club he wanted to do on those evenings. Still not your problem except as you say it affects your son.

The op has explained there are some additional needs involved, which mean he will be getting picked up. When you say no one, you mean no one NT.

Congratulations on a firm NO! and I love the phrase ‘promoted to single’ 😁

Is the primary and secondary school both in walking distance?

I have dc with sen and practise all of last year walking to and from primary so his final year he is doing it himself. I'd start ASAP fostering independent travel.

You're babying your son massively.

YANBU but is there not an option for DS to make his own way to and from school as would be expected at secondary?

Just Say it doesn't work for you. You don't have to give a reason. His time his problem.

@PeachCastle read the op's posts..her child has SEN so can't just suddenly become autonomous to and from school at 11. There is literally no point posting on page 5 of a thread if you can't be bothered to even read the all the OP's posts.

For those saying "if you were married" etc it's irrelevant. One of the hardest things post divorce is accepting that your ex is no longer on your team. Mine pays CMS only and not a penny more and even if a really big unexpected child related expense comes up I get "your budgeting is not my problem". Attempting to co-parent with someone who is actively obstructive is like trying to nail jelly to a wall and it's especially galling when you then get told from the outside that "parents should work together" or "you should both put the child first,". Far too often all that means is the mum ends up doing 95% of everything at the expense of their career, well being and finances.

I would be worrying that this is the start of your ex wanting less to do with your son. I don't have any advice sadly but already you do much more, and this might be the start of a process where he withdraws over time. A clearer 50/50 split might be best especially if you fear that this might be happening.

It's frustrating as it feels like he is saying. "I can't do that. I have to WORK. I am being very accommodating getting my new woman to help out." As if you and the new woman don't have to work too.

See if there are any childminders/school that provide this and split the cost. It sounds way easier than making up hours on both sides.

Can't ds take himself to and from school and to his dad's place? Most kids do for secondary unless there's sn

My dcs secondary had breakfast from 8am and the library stayed open until 4.30 daily. Despite being autistic, dd was taught to use the public bus, a few hiccups at first but she coped fine. The trick is to take buses with them before they start. With public transport it's all about experience, dc used to buses with parents adapt to taking alone easier

Just ask him if he is willing to make up your wages because you will have to reduce your hours to accommodate his arrangements. Alternatively is there another mum you could share the school run with?

Tbh OP you may just have to suck it up or your ex may just stop seeing your son altogether. You can’t force him to be a Father, or a fair one. My DC haven’t seen their Father for almost six years …

Its not your job to make his life easier, he needs to stick to the arrangement in place and sort something out his end. End of.

My ex tried to pull something similar when he decided to increase his work hours.

Stand your group OP men are so used to bullying us over the kids they can't even see when they're being unreasonable.

My daughter also has sen and she would not be safe walking alone.
I am shocked some people can't understand that.

Good idea re the walks to the new school with your DS.

Im amused by your ex’s entitlement. Sounds like you have done lots of flexibility around him and it sounds like you have done more than enough. But it doesn’t mean you’re wrap around care. I’m amused at the idea of your partner buying a car to do what your ex should do.

Just reply saying you work schedule can't be amended any further and between the two of them and available wraparound care at school you're sure he can manage.

I've been in this situation and tightly or wrongly I made changes/sacrifices because I didn't want DC to suffer the consequences.